The Peedmont

04/25/2024

Hey Peedmonters -

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support for us from over the last few days. Words can't describe how that feels to us.

We received many inquiries regarding our merch store and if more t-shirts were going to be made available. We went ahead and updated the store if you want any nostalgic memorabilia or a cheap gift for a friend or foe:
https://the-peedmont.creator-spring.com/?

Additionally, Style Weekly did a cool retrospective on us along with a couple of behind-the-scenes moments from the archives: https://www.styleweekly.com/the-peedmont-signs-off/

Till next time,

Peedmont HQ

04/22/2024

Hello Peedmonters!

We've long enjoyed bringing you the most trusted satire the Commonwealth has to offer since we went live in 2016. However, it's with heavy hearts that we announce that we're ceasing publishing and shutting The Peedmont down. It's been a wonderful run, but our dedicated staff is ready to move on to other things, and we feel now is the time to do just that and close up shop.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us over the years by reading, sharing, promoting, or in some cases actually believing our work. All of you kept us going and helped make The Peedmont into something truly special that we'll cherish forever.

As always, please share any memories or favorite articles from the archives in the comments below.

We'll see you down the road — most likely in a traffic jam on I-95.

Cheers,

Peedmont HQ

03/30/2024

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03/16/2024

Per witness accounts, Desmond and his friends staggered to the festivities, which honor parts of Irish culture like Celtic music and the fast-paced Irish step dancing, stopping only once to vomit into the trash bin outside of a CVS Pharmacy.

RICHMOND, Va. — While commemorating and honoring the patron saint of Ireland, Church Hill resident Derek Desmond became completely obliterated before pi***ng in a secluded alleyway in Scott’s Addit…

01/22/2024

“The results confirmed what we thought all along. Central Virginians know what they want from a grocery store, and that something is the nostalgic taste of a lightly toasted White House Roll with a little bit of butter spread across the top, among other related items.”

RICHMOND, Va. — A new study commissioned by the Virginia Grocery Store Association (VGSA) has revealed that 100% of Richmonders pick their grocery store based on whether or not the store carries Uk…

01/16/2024

“ARE YOU TAKING THE P**S?! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE PIZZA YOU DONKEYS!"

RICHMOND, Va. — Despite pledging to commit 24 hours towards fixing Chanello’s Pizza, Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsey reportedly gave up after 35 minutes calling it “disgusting,” “a disgrace,” an…

01/12/2024

“I mean, honestly, it was probably the art school’s fault.”

RICHMOND, Va. — While studying for an upcoming test in the open air of Virginia Commonwealth University’s famous Compass Plaza, junior engineering student Samantha Mayer noticed that something was …

01/11/2024

“Will the transition be costly? Yes, but is it inevitable. And is it the right thing to do to address it now? Absolutely.”

As of press time Domin-, wait, nevermind, haha jk lol. Our bad.

RICHMOND, Va. – Dominion Energy, Inc., commonly referred to as Dominion, announced today that it would immediately begin implementing sweeping changes to its energy production & transfer …

01/10/2024

"During soundcheck, I remembered this great meme I saw from Occupy Democrats about Ron DeSantis and thought ‘hey, I bet the audience would really dig that.’ But when the time came, I couldn’t remember it.”

WASHINGTON — Local indie punk band Black Vulture forgot to deliver an uneducated political statement during their concert at the Black Cat, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We got to the start of the …

01/09/2024

“Maybe he’s just happy about getting a day out of class. Whatever, it still beats going to that farm out in Culpeper.”

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Wasting no time in getting his permission slip for the occasion signed by his mother, Tyler Christie, a fourth grader at John Adams Elementary School in Alexandria, is extremely e…

01/04/2024

“The bay’s got quite a lot of nasty stuff in it, so we figure a little bit of Clorox will do her some good.”

REEDVILLE, VA. — The Virginia Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) announced plans to chlorinate the Chesapeake Bay, officials within the department confirmed Friday. RELATED (article continue…

01/03/2024

“I ended up scanning a single avocado 12 times, but I was too scared to tell someone.”

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local Kroger customers have reported that the store’s scanners are refusing to cooperate during the self-checkout process. Customer Jennifer Miller told reporters that she was u…

01/02/2024

"Those lines can be heinous, and if you end up missing your flight because of it, you might be stranded in the airport overnight. It’s good just to get there two, maybe even three, hours early, just to be on the safe side, when flying out of Richmond.”

RICHMOND, Va. — Commenting that a little extra time never hurt anyone, your dad still recommends you arrive at Richmond International Airport (RIC) at least two hours early, sources confirmed Tuesd…

01/02/2024

EVERYWHERE — Following what was undoubtedly one of the most infamous years on the books, Virginians everywhere have already begun cursing the forthcoming year 2024, officials confirmed Friday. “We…

12/31/2023

“It’s hard to believe that nobody has thought of something of such sheer brilliance. Even I was going to invite some nearby family and friends over for a small shindig, but after analyzing Parkerson’s conclusion, all of them can go to Hell. I’m spending the night alone with my dog Franco.”

HENRICO, Va. — In an impeccable feat of extraordinary intellect, social mastermind and extreme introvert Jenna Parkerson has announced plans to stay home this New Year’s Eve, sources confirmed toda…

12/30/2023

"Bell put in hours of research to determine whether Autumn Wreath or Christmas Cookie would best help mend his relationship with Higgins, but his efforts appear to have been in vain."

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local couple Ron Bell and Susan Higgins are entering year three of their relationship as they ramp up for yet another Christmas together. For the third year in a row, Higgins told…

12/28/2023

“The 21st century is getting up there in age, no doubt, but like practically everyone else, she still has a few years left to finish her undergrad at VCU,” Andrea Shumaker, one of her classmates, explained, adding that it didn’t help that when the 21st century transferred from ODU, many of her class credits didn’t transfer.

RICHMOND, Va. — Despite being well beyond the legal age, the young century turning 24 this year still has a good five years to go at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU), sources confirmed Saturd…

12/24/2023

Given the current political climate of our nation, there’s a good chance you’re going to inevitably run into someone over the holidays who you don’t see eye-to-eye with regarding, well, everything. There’s an even better chance that someone at whatever Christmas meal you’ve found yourself involved with will waste no time making a reference to the “Let’s Go Brandon!” (LGB) joke — even worse, they’ll hail it as comedic genius that has the likes of Rodney Dangerfield and Richard Pryor laughing from above.

Given the current political climate of our nation, there’s a good chance you’re going to inevitably run into someone over the holidays who you don’t see eye-to-eye with regarding, well, everything.…

12/23/2023

“We’ve always taken the time to remind our kids the true meaning of the Christmas season. Tacky light tours are really spiritual because Jesus was the light of the world. And He loved wine."

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Proclaiming their devotion to the holiday that honors the birth of Jesus, the Mulligan family got completely obliterated on a tacky lights tour bus Saturday night, sources confi…

12/22/2023

“When we asked participants to list the reasons behind their decision, astonishingly few cited vaccination status or the new omicron variant of COVID-19 as factors for not wanting to see their relatives. It turns out most Virginia families just really want to go solo for the holidays, regardless of the ongoing public health crisis.”

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Despite numerous families making up for last year’s inability to safely gather for the holidays, a new poll has revealed that 99% of fully vaccinated Virginians still don’t want t…

12/21/2023

“He didn’t even introduce himself, he just went into song with such a heavy slur that made his voice barely understandable. I definitely wasn’t expecting the former governor to knock on my door, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t live in Chelsea Oaks. Does he even live in Chesterfield?”

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — In an effort to get his former constituents in the holiday spirit, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe only made it through the first few verses of “Jingle Bells” …

12/20/2023

From now until Christmas, we’re donating any revenue from merchandise sales to the Holli Fund, which provides relief to Richmond food service workers in crisis. Check out the online store her…

12/19/2023

“When he got Steve for Secret Santa last year, he got him a Gingerbread Stout, same with Karen the year before. And I’m pretty sure that he once got Rachel a gift card to Hardywood for her birthday, which happens to be the first week of December.”

RICHMOND, Va. — Coming to the conclusion that he had found the most genius gift idea for a coworker, super original guy Patrick Osman gifted his office Secret Santa Jason Edwards two bottles of Har…

12/18/2023

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12/17/2023

“I need this parking space so I can shop and purchase something that definitely could not be easily be purchased online.”

TYSONS CORNER, Va. — In the madness of the Christmas shopping rush, a standoff between drivers for a parking space in Tysons Corner Parking Garage C has hit its 92nd hour, officials confirmed Satur…

12/16/2023

Security footage shows that Ramsey seemed to grow increasingly uneasy the longer he stood outside the store, a thousand-yard stare fixated on the occupied bench. Witnesses report he began muttering a quiet prayer that his daughter was only visiting Victoria’s Secret to purchase body lotion and long sleeve pajamas.

NORFOLK, Va. — Unwilling to face his daughter’s sexuality, Ghent resident Larry Ramsey was forced to stand awkwardly outside the Victoria’s Secret in MacArthur Center yesterday after discovering th…

12/15/2023

“The market for hipster beers is pretty well saturated right now. We thought we’d try to make something for the anti-hipster.”

RICHMOND, Va. — Hoping to capture the suburban dad market, The Veil Brewing Co. and Sheetz, Inc. have announced a joint partnership to develop Regular Unleaded IPA. RELATED (article continued belo…

12/14/2023

“Not only will our COVID-19 vaccine extract help develop long-lasting antibodies into your immune system, it’ll be perfect for any baked dishes — like pies and muffins — to make your holiday gatherings a hit."

RICHMOND, Va. — A local staple culinary delight is stepping into the medical field, as C. F. Sauer Company is set to release a COVID-19 vaccine extract in time for the holiday season, the company a…

12/13/2023

“One guy has been trying to move over for a few miles but gets shot down each time. He clearly finds it an affront to his manhood to let anyone merge into his sacred lane.”

WOODBRIDGE, Va. — As indicated by his complete unwillingness to give you some space to switch lanes, the red Ford F-150 traveling on I-95 will never let you merge over to the middle lane, sources c…

12/12/2023

“I definitely get how someone could fall for him. He must’ve put some throw pillows around his midsection though, because Joe’s too skinny to pull off Saint Nick otherwise.”

RICHMOND, Va. — Former lawyer and Richmond mayoral candidate Joe Morrissey was outed yesterday while moonlighting one of the Santas at Short Pump Town Center. RELATED (article continued below): Don…