12/03/2024
I went to the village today to repair our tap for the coming Xmas holiday.
Before I left for the village this morning, my mum warned me not to visit my aunt, who resides there.
"You know how troublesome and wicked she is," my mum warned me. "Just repair the tap today and come back tomorrow. Don't go to her house."
True, true, my aunt was a bag of trouble. She was my dad's direct elder sister and was often caught in the middle of quarrels with people.
Well, when I was dropped at our village park by the bus I boarded, I decided to get some things for the woman anyway. It would be unfair to walk past her house, which I'd have to cross before getting to ours, without coming in to greet her.
At the park there, I bought her some oranges, a bunch of bananas, pineapples, guavas, and plantains. I had the store owner package the fruits properly in a brown nylon bag.
Then I headed down to our village, and then to my aunt's house, carrying along the things I had bought her. Upon reaching her gate, I knocked, and a few minutes later, my aunt opened it. She was dressed in a faded wrapper, and the wrinkles on her face had doubled since the last time I saw her.
Her: Who am I seeing? Desmond!
Me: Yes, Aunty! It's me.
Her: Come in! Come in! How're you?
Me: *walking into her gate still carrying the things I bought* I'm fine, Aunty. How're your sons, Aunty?
Her: Those boys, they went out. Anyways, how's the city? How are your parents and siblings?
Me: They are fine. Everything's fine.
Her: *pulls out a stool* Please, sit down. What should I serve you? In fact, don't worry. Let me make noodles for you the way I know you city boys like it.
Me: Don't worry, Aunty. I haβ
Her: I insist. Just give me 15 minutes... *she rushes down to her kitchen in her backyard*
*Ten minutes later, my aunt reappears with a plate of noodles and fried eggs, accompanied by a steaming cup of tea.*
Her: *places the noodles and tea on another stool in front of me* Please, eat up, Desmond. I hope I made it the way you like it.
Me: *scoops a spoonful and shoves it into my mouth* Hmmmm, it's delicious, Aunty. I like it.
Her: So, what did you come to the village to do? It's not yet Christmas.
Me: Our tap spoilt the last time we were here, so I came to repair it in readiness for the Christmas season.
Her: Oho! That's good.
Me: *sips the tea* Yes, Aunty. Ehenβbefore I forget, I bought this for you... *hands her the bag*
Her: *smiling* This heavy bag, for me?
Me: Yes ooo.
Her: *starts tearing the bag open, and the fruits drop to the floor* Desmond!
Me: Yes, Aunty.
Her: *pointing to a tree in the yard* What is that, Desmond?
Me: An orange tree, Aunty.
Her: What are those things on top of it?
Me: Oranges.
Her: *points to another set of trees* What are those?
Me: Banana and plantain trees.
Her: And you see plantain and banana fruits on them, right?... *I nod*... So, tell me, why did you come from the city and all you can buy for me is fruits? The same fruits I grow in my garden.
Me: I don't understand, Aunty. You don't like them?
Her: Like them? Did you seriously expect me to like them? Unless you're playing a prank, you better unplay it quickly because it's stopping to be funny. So, are these what you brought for me from the city?
Me: Yes, Aunty.
Her: *starts smiling strangely* You see, whenever we village people hear that someone is coming from the city, we expect them to bring things like Golden Morn', Quaker oats, corn flakes, tinned milk and chocolate, phone, laptop. Not bananas and oranges.
Me: Haba, Aunty, you're not appreciative.
Her: Appreciative? Do you know how much they sell one egg? 300 naira. And I fried four for you. I cooked three packs of noodles for you and even made tea for you. So, me that is in the village served you these things and you came from the city with things that I already have in my garden. Did I tell you that I don't like iPhones? Did I tell you that I don't like to eat pizza? Shawarma? Who said I hate canned yogurts? Or even that one called ice cold.
Me: Cold stone, Aunty. Cold stone ice-cream, not ice cold.
Her: *barks out a laughter* Oh, you even know the name, but you couldn't buy it for me while coming. Are you sure you're from the city? No, are you sure you're really coming from the city?
Me: Ha, Aunty. Don't say that.
Her: Or is it because I'm local, that's why you're serving me only plants and fruits so I'll become botanical, eh? That gold pendant you have on your neck, if you give it to me, what will happen? This original leather shoe you're wearing, if you bought one of it for my sons, what will happen? Eh? You're giving me oranges, pineapples, bananas!
Me: *staring at her sheepishly*
Her: *starts shaking her head in regret* Had I known...Had I known...
Me: Had you known what?
Her: Had I known it was fruits that you brought me, I wouldn't have wasted my time poisoning you with my last four eggs. I would have just put the poison for you in one of my old soups.
Me:
