Nooz

15/08/2024

Presser SUMMARY

FLOYD SAID
• Hello everybody.
• I wrote a letter to Juju bae last night.

Dear bae
I will not be your bae anymore.
I quit my ward.
I'm quitting my job in parliament, unless you stop me.

I've loved you all my life.
It's not you. It's not me either. We're just not revolutionarily in love anymore.
I will always be your Marxist babe.
I will not betray you.
These guys must not speak badly of you, babe.
You and I have shaped things together. We will still do so, but separately.
I will miss our trips together.
This isn't personal.
Me leaving the party does not mean that the EFF ends.
I love you.
- End of letter -

Guys, I'm going to greener pastures, to join Baba in his shower. I'm just that much more in love with that.

13/08/2024

When Elon and Trump get into a virtual room, magic happens.
Here's a NOOZ Summary of the latest audio party:
https://gugustatu.substack.com/p/musk-trump-sofa-chat

01/08/2024

A group of U.S. men are taking legal action against (again).
Claims are that your OF girlfriend isn't the one on the profile picture. Yes, that's her profile, and you're paying her to show you her 6-toed foot covered in egg whites. But you're not chatting to her. You're engaging with chatters [PLURAL].
Your OF girlfriend isn't yours alone. She's a loaf of polony sliced and shared amongst distinguished and undistinguished gentlemen. She's got no time to text you, "Hey babe. WUD?"
The main issue is that these professional chatters are given your private info so that they can chat to you effectively, leading you to believe that you have the undivided attention of Britney 6-Toes McBoobies herself.
This obviously violates data sharing laws. But good luck bringing these chatters to book. They are usually in South East Asia .

14/06/2024

The wedding ceremony between the ANC guys and the DA ghaaz has been disrupted by the other lovers.
The EFF and other parties say that their love letters were not addressed, so now they have banded together to form a mega girlfriend called Ms Progressive.
She says that she is anti apartheid parties that are fighting for white privilege (read DA and VF+).

They want a word with the ANC to propose a non-GNU non Oppenheimer government. 🤧

🍿

14/06/2024

EFF Presser - 13 Jun 24

· We tried guys, but the ANC is strong. Eish.
· Anyway, I spoke to President Bran Muffin this morning. I told him exactly what I think of his new gnunu.
· The DA is an enemy from the Oppenheimer evil lair. It must not be trusted. Boo!
· I will not bow to all of you. Zinja!
· I will not participate in a government that includes the evil DA and VF+.
· Evil whites. Evil apartheid spawn (without using the Apartheid word of course)! Nxa!
· I will support the ANC, because oh well…
· We will only appreciate and respect the new speaker of parliament if he’s ANC or other “progressive” (read BLACK) party. We want that position actually. But you can give us deputy. If you appoint an evil Oppenheimian gremlin there will be consequences.
· MK is the winner in KZN, just like the ANC in national elections. So, the ANC must let the MK rule the KZN. If not, the people of KZN may retaliate. Not my fault if they retaliate. They may retaliate. Retaliate.
· We don’t mind GNUnu. We mind DA and VF+ because they are white supremacists. Did I mention this earlier?
· Personally, I won’t take positions in parliament because my name is too powerful. I have given another name for Speaker nomination.
· I like everyone, except the Oppenheimer family parties. You can’t buy South Africa you guys. Stop trying to buy the country with your monies.
· Oppenheimer = darkness and evil. I don’t think I made this point clear earlier.
· The EFF didn’t lose. We are playing the long game. Generational, legendary stuff.
· WE will support this government, but it’s compromised yaz. All white and stuff.
· Futhi, all of you, stop trying to speak on behalf of the EFF there, we can speak for ourselves. Nxa. Do not give in to temptation my beloved children. WE will be militant and radical (but in a soft, long, generational way.)
· Stay woke.

14/06/2024

14 June 24

John Steenhuisen is saying some things after the DA's wedding with the ANC, IFP, PA

• We will run the national government, along with Gauteng and KZN.
• We signed our pre-nup.
• I will now refer to codesa to add liberation struggle flavours.
• There will be professionalism now that we're here.
• We have a unique clean record that we will force.. sorry, I mean, bring to the national government.
• We're no longer an opposer, my babies. We're in a family.
• We have experience in being an underdog. Look at all our stats.
• Don't forget the date, neh. 14 June 2024, wedding vaabs. We're a party of national unity.
• I'm essentially half president, if you squint your left eye.
• Did I tell you about my unique, clean record. Yeah, ghaaz. We're very superior and very, very clean.
• Comes the call to come🎶 togeeeether🎶 et cetera.
• If I didn't make this marriage happen, some other sgebengas would have been in my place. Sjoe! Dodged a spear.
• I don't like fingerpointing and do******ix... sorry, domination.
• President Cupcake is my president. My babe. We'll figure out in our next lekgotla what else needs to be done. (Hey guys, I'm getting these native words right. See.)
• Anyway, we're gonna work on our relationship, ghaaz. I won't disappoint you, my babies. I will still rescue you, laak I promised.
• I told you, before the elections, that help is on the way. I'm here. It's me. John. Your hero.
• Insert poetry here.
• I love you, my babies.

02/06/2024

South Africa Election Results | 3:30, 2 June 24

Scenes

DA: Hey Cupcake. My bestie. My delicious. 😁
ANC: Ohhhhh. So now I'm Cupcake again. I'm no longer a bran muffin, huh?🤨
DA: Hawu, I was pleying wit you my frend.😜
EFF: DA, don't do the black accent thing. 🥴It's annoying. ANC, don't listen to him. Look, I made you some coffee. I want to talk about our friendship.😚
ANC: Friendship?😐
DA: 😠Look, EFF, I got here first! get in the queue.
MK: 🤨EFF. Where did you get that coffee from? 🤨
EFF: The coffee machi...🙄
MK: Aha! Umshini wam. 😛Give that back here. Get your own machine. Mncm.😒
EFF: mncm. I'm going to open the gates and let everyone in. I'm also taking the entire garden without compensation! 😫
ActionSA: Come sit down, baby. I wanna sing a song for you. ☺️
EFF: Which song? Is it, "Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no hair?"..
DA: 😆
ANC: 😆😷😷😷🤣..
DA: Anyway, Cupcake, honey...
ANC: Haysuka wena man. So clingy, suddenly.
DA: Mncccm. 🙄You're not even that cute. I just want you for your numbers.
ANC: 🥺

30/05/2024

16:00 , 30 May 24

Scenes:

DA: (k-way jackets and scarves): Ghaaz who wants coffee? ANC? You okay, my boet? 🤭
ANC: F'tsek wena. N### 😒😷🤒
MK: 51% for who? 😝
IFP: Where's my gun?! Thula wena! You're new here.
MK: New? Me? Me, I'm a twin 😌. I've been living inside ANC as a siamese twin. I broke out of him, through his neck. That's why he's in ICU.
ANC: Yey, fusegi wena man.
PA: Things are gonna change around here.
DA: PA, did you steal these numbers, hey? Are you tsotsi? Skebenga🧐
MK: 😂 I'll get us coffee. When I sang "mshini wam'" I meant my coffee machine

26/05/2024

The president delivered a speech tonight (26 May 24), ahead of the elections.
Here's a summary for those who saved their ears.

02/04/2024

https://open.substack.com/pub/gugustatu/p/easter-weekend-nooz-roundup?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=3erq26

Are we fools?

04/02/2024

04/02/2024