08/23/2023
Advice to new podcasters from Reverend Jess:
So, you wanna talk on mic to strangers over the internet? Cool. Here's a few things I think you should know based off of my experience.
1. Your Show Sounds Like S**t - We all start somewhere. It might be a low quality Xbox headset, or a Blue Yeti that you're speaking into incorrectly, or you are one of those true fu***ng monsters that just hit record and talk directly into your built-in laptop mic. One thing is for sure, it sounds fu***ng ghastly. Get yourself some proper equipment. A dynamic mic and a mixer with a built in interface. Behringer puts out those things for 100 bucks. If you are deadset on using a USB mic, learn how to EQ in post. I'm absolutely serious. This hobby is expensive when you aren't making money. The good news is that Audacity is free so at least you can learn how to edit your show for free. That'll come in handy because of number 2.
2. You Aren't Going To Make Money - Maybe eventually, if you join up with a network that spoonfeeds you sponsors or if you stick with it and enough people give a s**t to throw you 5 bucks a month on Patreon, but until then, this is your hobby. If you quit your job for this, you better consistently be making over minimum wage. If you throw caution to the wind and just decide to go for it, you are dumb. And if you're insulted by that, you're dumb and lack self awareness.
3. Your Friends Do Not Give A Single S**t About Your Podcast - Fill their inbox with links all you want. Send them every invite to like the page. Hound them relentlessly every time you put out a new episode. Nobody cares. Your occasional listeners will not be people you know. And your weekly listeners will likely be total fu***ng strangers until they grow a weird parasocial relationship with you.
3a. Your Listeners Are Not Your Friends - They don't remember "that one time" if it didn't happen on an episode. Inside jokes are inside your friend group. Your listeners are outside.
3b. Your Friends Are Not Your Piggybank - If you put up a GoFundMe, Kickstarter, IndieGOGO, or any other e-beg link to fund your hobby, do not send it to your friends list. Frankly, I don't think you should do it at all, but if you must, rely on kindness of strangers and not your aunt.
4. Nobody Wants To Hear Your Stage Fright - Map your s**t out if you are doing a podcast that has a topic. And you really should have a topic. You're not a celebrity so people won't just want to hear your talk about whatever. I promise, you're not that fu***ng interesting. And for the love of f**k, edit your stammering out. Ands and uhs are fine occasionally, but 30 straight seconds of you struggling to get a point out is just bad content.
5. Nobody Is Clicking That Link In The Promotion Group You Joined - You will find countless "Promote Your Podcast" groups on social media. Nobody is clicking your link, the same way that you aren't clicking theirs. Don't waste your time. Instead, make connections in the community groups and cross promote. Whether it's appearing as a guest on another show, or making an arrangement to run ads for each other.
6. You're Not Joe Rogan - You don't need 4 hour long episodes. And nobody wants to hear a four hour long interview with the guy who deals you w**d. If you land a celebrity, the most you should go is 2 hours and that's only if they are in the room with you. If people wanted to hear a 3 hour long Skype call, they can listen to every celebrity podcast from 2020 to 2022.
7. Your Co-Host Is Going To Disappoint You - Do not depend on anyone to keep your show going with you. They will let you down. They will miss recording sessions. They will put in less work than you. They will not put in their fair share for hosting and equipment fees. Most likely, if the show is dependent on multiple parties and you have a falling out, the show will suffer drastically and that's IF it doesn't end completely. If they are your writing partner, your quality will take a dip. If they have the equipment, you won't be able to record. If they simply state that they are "just trying to have fun and not take it too seriously," they will put no work into the show. I spent 4 years working with a co-host that was a friend first. He asked me to join up with a show he started. By the third year, I was basically an employee that wasn't paid. He took all the revenue, I did all the work. The only work he put in was going over completely edited episodes and changing things to bring my audio quality down because his mic sounded worse than mine. I'm not even making this s**t up. And when I called him out on the s**tty things, he took his ball and went home and ended the podcast. If you want a co-host, find someone who is either completely on board, or is with you when you create the show. Communicate your ideas and wants for the show. It's like a relationship. That's how integral the communication aspect is.
8. Your Listeners Will Abandon You - If you miss a week, if you miss a deadline, if you miss a Patreon shoutout, your listeners will leave. Nobody is more petty than a podcast audience. Most podcasts end eventually. And alot of those "eventuallys" are because they just get bored of doing it or they give up because they aren't millionaires after 3 months. Because of this, people assume when episodes stop appearing, the show is over. Be consistent and let them know if you're gonna be MIA.
8a. You Are Not As International As Your Stats Claim You Are - Sites like Soundcloud, Anchor (Spotify for Podcasters), Podbean, etc are ripe with bot accounts that randomly listen. That's exactly what the endless droves of "Sir, I can help you promote your podcast to the front page of iTunes" responses and messages you are getting are trying to scam you with. I promise that your sudden random 150 listeners probably won't be back next week. And nobody in Korea is listening to you talk about the new Elden Ring DLC or the new Marvel movie. They are probably listening for 15 seconds, hearing a language they don't understand and turning it off.
9. Someone Already Named Their Podcast That Perfect Name That You Were Sure Nobody Has Ever Come Up With - The trick is to look at how long ago they uploaded and if they are still doing it. If they haven't posted in 4 years, f**k it. You're the Second Shot Podcast now! But, if it was last Tuesday, go back to the drawing board. And I promise you, the "Real Talk" Podcast already exists. So does every movie pun you can think of. Also, you better have a pretty uncommon name if you are trying to just be the First Name, Last Name Show. Go for something ridiculous. One of the most successful podcasts of all time was called Cum Town.
10. You Are A Meaningless Speck Of Dust In The Universe - I promise you that this is the most important thing in the world....to you. This is the greatest idea for a podcast ever....to you. The show sounds great....to you. Everyone thinks this. And it isn't true. Not universally at least. You gotta find a way to stand out and I promise you, it's gonna be a long, annoying, painful road to reach the realization that nobody will ever give as big of a s**t as you do about your show. Have fun with it. And when it isn't fun anymore, change it. I promise, there's 50,000 other small town true crime podcasts people can listen to. If it's not fun anymore, and you can't change it to make it fun, let it end. Don't waste your time or your audience's time.
