19/09/2024
"A LETTER TO CARL"
I actually don't know how to start this but I got the idea from the latest post of UP Diliman Freedom Wall which is most likely to be known as "a letter to Carl". And also before anything else, I would like to say sorry for my bad english and wrong grammar in advance, but I will try my best to deliver this in the most understandable way.
When I read the post from the page of "UP Diliman Freedom Wall" I was very stunned to the point that after that day I kept on thinking more about someone. My "what ifs" just got out of hand. And disclaimer, I am not doing this just for clout, I was just truly inspired by the post that I have previously read.
So, ifykyk...
August 22, 2022 around 12:48 noon. A fair weather it is. I was a freshman with no friends in a new environment. That day was also the first day of our class for our major subject. I was sitting on the bench near the entrance of the UEP Kids Learning Center (KLC) waiting for announcements and looking for companions. I was patiently waiting when suddenly a girl approached me and asked if I was one of her classmates but before I got to answer she suddenly called someone only to find out, It was you.
I can easily read peoples personalities. I can also figure out what they can give and take. I also immediately see what kind of relationship I can build with them.
So with that being said masasabi ko na "alam ko na". Our very first meeting, the fact that I still clearly remember every single detail about it, nakakapanghina. I denied it, and I didn't want anyone to know about it, ask me why? It's because I can't accept it. "I'm a girl falling in love with a girl." Nandiri ako sa sarili ko. I support the LGBT and I love them so much. Some of my friends even my cousins are part of the community and I admire them for being true to theirselves. Falling in love with the same gender is okay for others, I don't judge them, kinikilig nga ako'e pero for myself ayoko, ayoko talaga. That's why for almost a year I stayed by your side while wearing the mask of being a "friend". It was actually great. Naging "friend" mo "ko, we hang out together, we bond from time to time and even share chikas with each other. It was also actually my way of healing myself na baka, baka lang naman nag kamali lang si cupid diba, I thought na maybe I could still get rid of my feelings for you through doing such things.
That's what I thought only to find out na mas lumalim pa pala. Every moment that I spend with you, I get to know you more, find out what your red flags are and I actually hate them especially your sassy badass attitude pero what can I do? I guess Nanay was right when she told me na "when we love someone we do not judge them or their behaviors not because we can't but because we chose not to." But believe me, after I acknowledge my feelings for you I started praying everyday not because I was feeling guilty pero dahil I know it was the only thing that I could do for you. In my prayer I always tell God to protect you, guide you, help you. I always pray for your good health, happiness and success in the future. I never ask God for forgiveness, because even if I've given the chance to go back I'd still choose to meet you again and again, in every lifetime or universe as long as you and I exist.
I tried distancing myself from you pero binawi ko agad. It was a wrong move kasi if I continued doing it I might actually lose you back then. I guess I really just have to bear the weight of my feelings. Until now, I'm still here "the women who can't be moved." I am not going to confess my love for you in person not because I am shy or insecure but because I want you to look at me the same way you are doing. I want you to remember me as a friend as I remember you as my first love. I'll continue to admire you. I may not be able to stand in front of you and show you how much I love you but I know I can let you feel my warmth through the simple little things that I do. You might not know it but I'm always here with pure interntions and feelings, and day by day I am still admiring and mesmerized by how beautiful a person you are.
I know that my love won't be reciprocated pero kasi ako I believe na "we don't need to reciprocate love, let's just continue to spread love in the universe and love will eventually come back in an infinite number of ways." Let's embrace our flaws, our identities, who we really are then we can finally be free. Living in a homophobic society is scary, it's traumatizing. It is indeed scary to fall in love but it's more awful if we don't fall in love at all.
I hope I can mention your name but, I won't. I respect you and your privacy so I'll just let everyone see this as an indirect/open confession.
_jo
*Catarman
2000
