The Alliston Gerald

07/26/2024

International Thrill Seekers Descend Upon Beeton Bridge

BEETON, ONTARIO—A group of adrenaline junkies have recently discovered a small wooden bridge in a rural corner in the town of New Tecumseth. The bridge was actually designed as a functional piece of equipment for people to drive over.“I’ve been here about three days now,” Herschel Zeingard, ...

07/20/2024

You Could Save A Couple Minutes On Your Drive If You Would Only Hear Me Out For The Next Half Hour (Guest Column By Your Dad)

If you're leaving Tottenham for Alliston and it's anywhere near one of the times of day when you could get a train, take the third line up to the Adjala-Tecumseth Townline. That is, if you're up by the funeral home. If you're around the four corners, take the fourth line. But if it's icy, I'd wait t...

07/12/2024

"An Off-Leash Chicken Park Per Town": Backyard-Chickens Lobby Hatching Plans For New Tecumseth

The Alliston Gerald has recently learned of a top-secret lobby preparing to run pro-backyard chicken candidates in the 2026 municipal election. Sources indicate the group is highly organized, politically engaged, and consumes a diet rich in folate, vitamin A and protein.While the investigation is on...

07/08/2024

This is back on council's agenda tonight.

ALLISTON, ONTARIO—After years of deliberation, the Town Council of New Tecumseth and the Simcoe County District School Board have come to a resolution over the location of a new secondary school for the youth of Alliston.“Guided by extensive consultation with the public and years of deliberation...

07/05/2024

Should We Be Asked To Tip A Vending Machine?

NEW TECUMSETH REC CENTRE, ALLISTON—-A local vending machine is drawing the ire and praise of patrons after a message prompting customers to ‘add gratuity’ began appearing in purchases. “I almost naturally tapped ‘accept,’” Paul Short told reporters. “And then it occurred to me that t...

06/30/2024

Man With Cottage In Muskoka Popular Again

For the first time since late last summer, Matthew Hastings, who inherited a cottage in Muskoka several years ago, has an active and vibrant social life. “It was opening weekend and I had a lot to do to get ready,” Hastings said. “And suddenly I looked at my phone and it was just blowing up wi...

06/23/2024

Beeton To Rebrand As “Venice of Simcoe County”

The town of Beeton and a local business owners’ collective have proposed the town make efforts to shift its public image from “quaint town with drainage problems” to “Beeton, Ontario: The Venice of Simcoe County.” “Sure it’s expensive and difficult to lift every business and home on st...

06/21/2024

Local Teenager Looking Forward To Do-Nothing Summer After Strenuous Do-Nothing School Year

A local high school student is hoping for some reprieve this July and August after a school year that saw him put all his energy and free time into completing as little school work as possible. “My gaming skills have started to slip,” Ty Demmings, a seventeen-year-old student DM’d the Alliston...

06/14/2024

Local Community Critical Of School-Age Child's Father's Day Card Containing Bias, Factual Inaccuracies

BARRIE, ONTARIO—A local school-age child has recently come under fire after he brought home a Father’s Day card claiming he had the “bestest dad in the world.” Many in the New Tecumseth region are also saying that the card unrealistically depicts the father as taller than he truly is and hav...

06/13/2024

Tornado Warnings Are Destroying The Economy And Creating A New World Order

A recent tornado warning has many people heading indoors to protect themselves and their families from a deadly threat. Does this sound familiar? Many freethinkers are waking up to the reality of tornado warnings and what they are really made for. Do me a favour: Before reading further, open up a se...

06/10/2024

Governor General Names Tottenham ‘Whiny Middle Child Of New Tecumseth’

After reviewing recent census data, climate surveys, and ‘skimming through a few community Facebook groups,’ Mary Simon, the Governor-General of Canada, commissioned a statement declaring Tottenham, Ontario ‘the middle child of New Tecumseth’ to be read at the next council meeting.Many town ...

06/03/2024

Financial Advisor Recommends Week In Vegas As Cheaper Alternative For Resolving Conflicts Between Members of Council, CAO

After recent accusations of harassment levelled at members of New Tecumseth Town Council cost the town $190,000 in legal and administrative fees, the town commissioned a financial advisor to determine whether another method may be used to mediate future conflicts. Rowan Scrivener, the analyst respon...

05/27/2024

Earn A Competitive Wage, Benefits And A Pension Doing Something We're Not Yet Ready To Tell You About

Have your social insurance number and banking information ready. Your online interview could begin as soon as right now!Currently offering three shifts: 8am-12pm, 2pm-6pm, or 2:35am-2:50am. Salary available in crypto.Report directly to the assistant operative executive to the department of innovatio...

05/23/2024

EDITORIAL: Tornado Warnings Are Destroying The Economy And Creating A New World Order

A recent tornado warning has many people heading indoors to protect themselves and their families from a deadly threat. Does this sound familiar? Many freethinkers are waking up to the reality of tornado warnings and what they are really made for. Do me a favour: Before reading further, open up a se...

05/17/2024

Criminal Activity In New Tecumseth Skyrocketing According To Community Facebook Group

Criminal activity in New Tecumseth appears to be skyrocketing. The sole factor preventing unanimous consensus is all of the available data on crime in the region.A report from Statistics Canada suggests crime in New Tecumseth is in decline in some respects and staying about the same in others. There...

05/12/2024

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05/10/2024

An Alliston Group Of Volunteers Wants Your Help With Purchasing This Asthmatic Skunk's Heart Medication

ALLISTON, ONTARIO—What started as a post on Facebook has gained traction as a grassroots movement for wildlife security. When Nancy Robinson heard wheezing sounds during a walk through her property, she knew something was wrong.“As soon as I caught a video of the skunk on my phone, I did what an...

05/03/2024

ALL OPTIONS ON THE TABLE: Town Considering 'Sponsor a Beetonian' Fundraiser To Deliver Household Water To Residents Of Future Subdivision

For the price of a daily cup of coffee, you could soon provide a future resident of Beeton with potable water. Ever since a residential developer petitioned council to allow the construction of a subdivision without water allocation, people have been looking for solutions. That’s where the Sponsor...

04/26/2024

New Tecumseth Unveils Indoor Pool After Admin Building Saga Revealed To Be Massive Prank

ALLISTON, ONTARIO—A new administration building has been at the centre of heated debate for the better part of a decade in the township of New Tecumseth. June 3rd will mark the inaugural opening and tour of the building's premises, which, to the surprise of many, will feature a twenty-five-metre s...

04/20/2024

Tottenham Named Greatest Place On Earth By 'Pizza and W**d Magazine'

TOTTENHAM—After decades of being snubbed by best-of lists of every kind, Tottenham recently earned the title of ‘Greatest Place On Earth.’Though Naples and Los Angeles were neck and neck throughout the adjudication process, ‘Pizza and W**d Magazine’ finally crowned Tottenham with the covet...

04/17/2024

Parents of Young Children Recklessly Try 'Forty-Minute Caffeine Detox'

Young parents are experimenting with a health fad that has people spending tens of minutes without consuming any caffeine whatsoever. The ‘forty-minute caffeine detox’ has drawn recent attention from influencers, some of whom claim they've experienced health benefits, but what are professionals ...

04/11/2024

How This Prominent Think Tank Recommends Canada Solve 'The Other Man-Made Gas Problem'

SCHOMBERG, ONTARIO—Canadians are reacting to a new proposal from a federal policy research group that advocates for a new tax to supplement, or even replace, the controversial carbon tax. This comes just weeks after the prime minister challenged premiers to come up with a better idea.The policy pr...

04/03/2024

Young Mom Torn As Once-In-A-Generation Eclipse To Occur At Same Time As Equally Rare Opportunity To Nap

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NIAGARA FALLS—A mother of three is seeking input from the public as an unlikely confluence of events has her children at various outings with trustworthy adults while she is in her house alone. A once-in-a-generation eclipse will also take place during this time but will be outdoors and require sp...

03/30/2024

https://www.allistongerald.com/post/leaked-trudeau-memo-urges-caution-around-april-fools-day

LORETTO, ONTARIO—A confidential memo from the Trudeau government surfaced Thursday in a rural Ontario hamlet, sources indicate. The memorandum, which quickly circulated online, is said to recommend against the use of the term ‘April Fool’s Day.’The document has become highly embarrassing for...

03/24/2024

Hopefully, it's all one big mistake...

EVERETT, ONTARIO—A local man claims he has reasonable cause to believe he may have accidentally hunted, cooked, and consumed the animal popularly known as the Easter Bunny some five days ago. The rabbit, he asserts, was not in a house at the time of the shooting but was hopping through a wooded ar...

03/17/2024

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Dear Alliston Gerald,There’s this guy I work with who is constantly bringing up his Irish heritage. I believe one of his mother’s parents was a descendant of some Irish people somewhere along the line. On a regular day, he manages to make the lunchroom conversations somehow about Ireland. I can ...

03/14/2024

https://www.allistongerald.com/post/in-bizarre-turn-of-events-driver-of-ford-f-150-a-decent-human-being

Angus, Ontario—-While allegations are unproven in court and all testimonies at this time remain anecdotal, one local man alleges he witnessed a driver of a Ford F-150 behaving like a reasonable adult. Frank DiRocco claims a man in a black F-150 allowed him to merge onto highway 400 and then follow...

03/04/2024

https://www.allistongerald.com/post/heartwarming-neighbourhood-rallies-together-to-keep-kids-walking-to-school-on-road

TOTTENHAM—-In a recent petition, members of the Tottenham community asked town council to reconsider a proposal to have sidewalks placed in subdivisions surrounding a public school. An Erin Brockovich-level of community engagement was not enough to convince members of council to come off their pro...

02/25/2024

https://www.allistongerald.com/post/library-piloting-new-children-s-literacy-program-reading-rats

“At first we were all set on ‘Counting Cats’ as the new program,” Donna Chambers, Senior Assistant Advisor to the Chair of the Committee for New Library Programs, said. “But then a faction broke off in favour of ‘Book Bunnies,’ followed by ‘Tarantula Tikes,’ ‘Tamagotchi Tales,’...

02/20/2024

https://www.allistongerald.com/post/we-thought-they-were-ornamental-new-residents-of-small-town-shocked-to-find-train-tracks-for-trai?referral=business-feed

TOTTENHAM, ONTARIO—A growing number of new residents in an Ontario town claim to have been unaware of the occasionally noisy trains moving in the region when they decided to relocate. While the crossing signals are in plain sight, many allege they were unaware the train tracks would ever have trai...