22/12/2024
Wife Took 3 Days to Answer My Question About Fidelity After 22 Years of Marriage.
I’m seeking some outside perspective on something that’s been bothering me. I (52M) and my wife (51F) were married for 23 years and together for 24 when I finally asked her a question I’d been holding back on. To give some context: I’ve since left her, and we’re getting a divorce.
Our marriage had been terrible for years. We had tried reconnecting, including 14 months of couples counseling, but it ultimately failed because she refused to do anything the counselor suggested—no exercises, no date nights, no effort at all. She was, however, perfectly capable of blaming me for everything wrong in the relationship.
After counseling ended, I started noticing a strange vibe. It felt like there was something deeper she couldn’t—or wouldn’t—talk about. She seemed to project her frustration and disdain onto me in ways that didn’t add up. I began wondering if I’d been too trusting and if something else had been going on over the years.
One night, lying in bed (we hadn’t had s*x in years), I gently asked if there was anything she felt guilt or shame about in our marriage—something we needed to discuss. She immediately became defensive, saying she didn’t know what I meant. I reassured her, saying that no matter what it was, we could work through it together. Her reaction was intense: she accused me of being ridiculous, demanded examples, and even insulted me. But she didn’t answer the question. I let it go, staying calm, and reiterated that I was asking out of love and a desire to fix things.
The next evening, she brought it up again—angrily. She berated me for even asking such a question, called it despicable, and then said something that struck me: “There are many things about me you’ll never know, and I’m entitled to a private life.” I asked if these “things” were interfering with our marriage, and she said they were. At that point, I told her it was pointless to work on the marriage if she wasn’t willing to be open.
On the third day, she asked if I had been faithful. Without hesitation, I said yes—100%. She paused and then said, “Well, to answer your question, I’ve never had an affair.”
That was it. No elaboration, no reassurance—just a vague and delayed answer after three days of defensiveness and cryptic statements.
Eventually, I moved on and filed for divorce, for a variety of reasons. I stayed for nine years trying to make it work—for love, for our three kids (one disabled, two with mental health challenges), and because I don’t believe in divorce unless absolutely necessary. But I’ve since realized I was enduring years of toxicity. Leaving was the best decision I ever made, and my life has improved immensely.
Still, I can’t help but wonder: What do you make of her response? Was it just guilt about something unrelated, or was there more to the story? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
