External CIM News (2025)

17/05/2022

CIM Begins Commencement with Game of Musical Chairs

Tuesday, May 17, 2022
University Circle, Cleveland—

On Saturday, May 14, 2022 at 11:00AM EDT, a majestic organ prelude rolled out the red carpet for the graduating students at the Cleveland Institute of Music, who made their way down the aisles in Kulas hall late that morning. Upon approaching the hall’s front section of seats, which were clearly marked with name tags, the students began their game of Musical Chairs, in which they were encouraged to participate as per instruction by one of CIM’s registrars and academic advisors, Hallie Moore.

The game, which can be seen on video on External CIM’s YouTube channel, lasted about 15 minutes, with no clear winner determined at its conclusion. During the game, the students walked in circles as the organ played, and when the organ stopped playing, they then took their seats. The students who had not arrived at their seats were then eliminated, and the game progressed with the end goal of concluding when all students were eliminated. However, the game abruptly ended early on, and the ceremony continued thereafter.

Some students expressed disappointment regarding the cut-short nature of the pre-ceremony game. One student remarked, “Since it’s a music institution, I was really glad we did this ‘cause it showed that music can, like, be fun sometimes, ya know? I wish they would’ve let us finish the game.”

Other students found the game to be a waste of time. “The chairs were literally bolted to the floor,” one student noted, “You can’t play unless you can remove chairs. I don’t know why no one thought of that beforehand.”

Hallie Moore, who set up the game immediately prior to the ceremony, did not respond to any request for comment. In fact, External CIM received an auto-reply saying she would be out of the office indefinitely, but would respond as soon as she returned.

12/05/2022

CIM: Masks Optional for Students and Staff at Home for the Summer

Thursday, May 12, 2022
UNIVERSITY CIRCLE, CLEVELAND—

Now that the school year has come to a close, CIM has decided to make masks optional for students and staff, who will now return home for the summer. “After several students contracted COVID-19, cases have returned back to zero overnight,” Executive Vice President Scott Harrison said in a statement, “This is likely because everyone has left, so for those who remain, that is, basically no one, masks are now optional.”

Many students are breathing a sigh of relief following the release of this policy. One student stated, “I am so glad they did this now and not before. I was so afraid there would be an outbreak during my recital, or that no one would attend. Now that my recital is done, it’s a perfect time to make rules that don’t really apply to anyone.”

Other students are upset that masks are being made optional. “I really don’t feel like putting makeup on for graduation,” one male student stated, “it gives me so much anxiety to have to smile all the time and put concealer and lip gloss on.” Another student remarked, “Great, now my teacher, friends, and family won’t be able to come because people won’t be wearing masks. Thanks, CIM.”

VP Scott Harrison noted that this is a “significant” change in COVID-19 policy, and the first occasion where masks will be optional since the pandemic began in 2020. He also pointed out that these safety measures are in place to “keep our community safe, so that we can continue to keep the music playing this summer and beyond.” Some students have wondered if failure to adhere to a mask optional policy may result in them not being allowed to play music this summer, or to return to campus in the fall. Fortunately, the note from the administration left email addresses of contact for students to inquire about any questions.

External CIM News has not put in any request for comment.

06/05/2022

Friday May 6, 2022
University Circle, Cleveland—

This past week, CWRU introduced a new service, to commence the upcoming 2022-2023 academic year, known as “Fun Ride”, allowing students who are alone and bored to joyfully self-transport between locations without fear of boredom. The institution’s proud president, Eric Kaler, concocted a delightfully expected 25th weekly email message to the student body, describing the service: “CWRU is proudly introducing a new service, ‘Fun Ride’, not to be confused with her sister service, ‘Safe Ride’. This new service will let students and faculty seeking a fun evening activity to enjoy a fun, bumpy ride to whatever fun location they may want to joyfully arrive.”

The new service reportedly has no less than 24 pickup locations, where students in groups of no more than 30 may stand in anticipation of their scheduled appointments, which students will be able to sign up for in a first come, first service fashion. Every half hour, a triple decker bus will arrive with a mysteriously trigger-happy driver, who will remark, “it’s going to be a bumpy ride” at the beginning of every trip. Navigating the outrageously confusing intersections of the beloved city of Cleveland, the bus will then weave in and out of the pig pen of traffic, ideally arriving quickly, energetically, and joyfully at the desired destination.

Some students have expressed concern, especially in light of the curious absence of the word “safe” from the new service’s title. One student remarked, “Why can’t the service be called ‘SAFE Fun Ride’ instead of just ‘Fun Ride’? Doesn’t saying it’s fun kinda imply it’s not safe anymore?” In response to such an inquiry, Kaler pointed out that the traffic behavior in Cleveland is already so deplorable that such a service is likely safer than typical traffic travel: “When you get someone who knows what they’re doing behind the wheel, even if it seems bumpy and chaotic, they know the roads well and are keeping you a lot safer than people in their cars around here.”

The CIM administration has not responded to a request for comment as to whether students and faculty are permitted or encouraged to make use of this service. It appears the institutions have recently deviated from one another slightly, especially regarding COVID-19 policies and other related procedures, so many suggest their lack of insight is a mere continuation of this recent change.

24/04/2022

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30/03/2022

CIM Pumps Laughing Gas into Mixon Hall

Tuesday, March 29, 2022
University Circle, Cleveland

A mysterious, large-scale device appeared outside CIM last week, causing a plethora of questions to emerge among the student body. The device resembles a camper or trailer, the tongue of which has “LAUGHMAX” written on it in blue letters, suggesting potential mischief may be at play.

In a later statement, Alan Bise, Grammy Award winning producer and recording engineer, serving on audio recording faculty, explained the purpose of the bizarre device:

“CIM has recently developed a laughing gas production technology, which we are utilizing to pump Nitrous Oxide into Mixon Hall. This has, so far, had a profound impact on students’ recording efforts in the hall, adding an element of joy to each performance. We hope this strategy will aid in students’ audition efforts to summer festivals and graduate school applications in the future.”

The use of Nitrous Oxide was a shock to many students. Before Bise’s statement, the predominant theory was that the gas would be used to aid in the upcoming “Pocket Full of Operas”, set to take place on April 1st, as part of a large-scale April Fools Day prank. However, the laughing gas appears to have been already released, long before the expected performances this weekend.

One student reported having noticed audience members giggling and snickering during his senior recital. “At first I was a little offended that someone would be laughing during my performance, but then I realized it was probably because of the laugh gas machine outside…it took a long time for me to draw the connection, but when I, too, began laughing during my own recital, as well as making ridiculous mistakes, it all became clear to me.”

CIM has not given any further explanation as to why such a bizarre action has been taken.

24/03/2022

CIM: Masks No Longer Required for People “Inactively Eating or Drinking”

Thursday, March 24, 2022
University Circle, Cleveland

After over a week of contemplation surrounding two completely opposing, yet equally logical sets of COVID-19 guidelines, CIM has finally dropped its mask mandate for those “inactively eating or drinking”, a huge breakthrough in the institutes major steps toward returning to normal.

In a statement regarding updates to COVID-19 guidelines, CIM administrators wrote: “Effective immediately on March 22, those who are inactively eating and drinking are no longer required to wear masks, as opposed to before when only those who were actively eating and drinking were permitted to remove their masks.”

This update has caused no shortage of discussion among the student body. One student, who shall remain anonymous, stated in an interview, “I’m so glad I no longer need to be walking briskly while eating in order to take my mask off. I was starting to get a little nauseas after mile 3.”

Other students have had opposite reactions to the new policy. One member of the Student Government Association expressed particular dissent toward such a drastic relaxation of COVID policy: “What, are we just going to let any lazy frat boy take his mask off now while stuffing his face with pizza?” she asked the board, “I feel like that’s where we’re headed.”

President Paul W. Hogle has maintained his refusal to weigh in on the matter.

22/03/2022

CIM Torn Between Logical COVID-19 Policies and Logical COVID-19 Policies

Tuesday, March 22, 2022
University Circle, Cleveland

The CIM Administration has found itself torn in recent weeks between two radically different, diametrically opposed, but equally logical sets of COVID-19 policies, specifically regarding masking. The updated policy as of Monday, March 21, 2022 at CWRU reads that all members of the university community must wear masks if “they are students in a classroom, laboratory, or other space where instruction is taking place”, as well as in clinical settings and when utilizing university transportation.

CIM recently released its own updated policy, allowing students to remove their masks when “alone in a space, including practice rooms, studios, classrooms, etc.” as well as during “a lesson or chamber coaching” or when performing. The appearance of a contradiction in these policies has caused some confusion in the student body.

Dean Southern, Vice President of Academic Affairs and Dean of the Conservatory, responded to some of the heated debate with some clarifying comments in a statement:

“We are going to revisit both CWRU and CIM’s policies and assure a resounding harmony between them. It’s tricky because both wearing masks during instruction and removing masks during instruction seem completely logical, and a step in the right direction toward finally overcoming this unprecedented pandemic. Similarly, both removing masks in the hallways and leaving them on exclusively in large group or open spaces seem to be appropriate measures to take. CIM may decide to enforce both sets of policies, should it be necessary.”

Tamatha Belton, Vice President of People and Culture, echoed Southern’s comments with a helpful anecdote. “There’s this old fashioned idea that one set of scientific standards is inherently better than another in an objective sense. In reality, it’s much better to positionalize all things as being appropriate relative to their socioculturodynamic contexts.”

President Paul W. Hogle denied request for comment regarding COVID-19 policies, stating that he would rather “leave it up to those overseeing such guidelines.”

09/03/2022

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25/02/2022

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25/02/2022

CIM Orchestra Library Accidentally Hands Out Music for All Nine (9) Beethoven Symphonies

Friday, February 25, 2022
University Circle, Cleveland

This past Monday evening, the CIM Orchestra Library mistakenly included parts for all nine (9) Beethoven symphonies in students’ folders for the recent orchestra rotation. Upon arrival at the first rehearsal, students had prepared any one of the symphonic works, a discrepancy making for an interesting downbeat at the start of the orchestra’s preparation that evening.

Maestro Harry Davidson expressed frustration with the orchestra library’s lack of organization: “I don’t understand why we can’t just have the right thing at the right time. It’s not that hard.” Davidson resolved the issue by asking students to pull up Symphony No. 9 on IMSLP on their iPads. Some students, who did not have access to an iPad, briefly left rehearsal to spend $200 on printing at the WEPA Printing Center. CIM Ensembles Librarian Eric Farnan was embarrassed about the blunder. “Beethoven doesn’t deserve this kind of disrespect, and I’m sorry,” he stated in an email to Maestro Davidson.

The CIM Opera Chorus, who had planned to sing along, received no music at all, and did not show up to the rehearsal. “Opera kids,” Davidson stated in an interview, “either know exactly what’s going on or not at all, depending on their ‘Zodiac Sign, as they claim.” The chorus did end up arriving later on in the week, and spent the rehearsal standing behind the first violin section singing as loudly as possible. One violinist became increasingly irritated with this, as it was difficult for her to hear the brass during the rehearsal, “The horns sounded like they were a mile away while the sopranos were singing out,” she said.

The CIM Orchestra Library plans to take stricter precautionary measures in the future to avoid this from happening again. Some have suggested a BYOM-style rehearsal, where students print their own parts off of IMSLP. This would avoid the tedious work of the Orchestra Library, compiling countless papers that “all look so similar that it’s hard to know what’s what,” as Eric Farnan pointed out.

11/02/2022

CIM Hires Time Traveler Dr. Next to Explain How to “Be the Future of Classical Music”

February 12th, 2022
UNIVERSITY CIRCLE, CLEVELAND

Amidst the slogan, “Be the future of classical music”, introduced by CIM in recent years, much chaos and confusion has arisen regarding the statement. On October 4, 2018, CIM wrote on their website:

“Be the future of classical music. This is the call to action, the rallying cry for all those who are part of CIM. And it's no small thing, this charge to faculty, students, and staff: Your voice matters. Use it to define classical music for today, tomorrow, and generations to come.”

Such an inspirational, yet philosophically challenging, statement has left many students calling into question their current, as opposed to future, roles as musicians. “I don’t understand how we can be the future if the future hasn’t happened yet,” one student stated in an interview, “Can’t we just focus on the now?”

In response to such questions, CIM has recently hired a professional time traveler named Dr. Dexter Next to help explain such a phenomenon. “Any understand of quantum theory clears this up. The problem is that such mechanics are not taught at music schools, and case western is nearly 1000 meters away.”

Dr. Next flies around in a box known as the Ritardis (short for Ritardando-is) that can go anywhere in time and space. His “companion”, Emily Lake, in her own words, “ran away with him. And we’ve been running ever since.”

Dr. Next’s lectures will begin next week in person in the Room of Audition Requirements next Monday at 1:00 pm. He will teach three lectures every Monday at 1:00pm, 12:00, and 11:00am, consecutively. All students, faculty, and staff are invited. Dr Next described it as “A Valentine’s Day gift to everyone🥰”.

06/02/2022

CIM Finally Cracks Down on Bassline Testing

UNIVERSITY CIRCLE—CLEVELAND
February 5, 2022

CIM finally decided to enforce its own rules this weekend, as 80% of the student body found themselves locked in Kulas Hall on Saturday night. Various reports circulated regarding a lack of rapid bassline tests at the hazel security desk, so students, including one pianist, were forced to sit on stage with their instruments and perform various musical exercises all evening on Saturday. They were then denied entry to the building after having entered the building.

“Never have we had such a severe punishment as forcing students to find somebody to open the door for them,” President Hogle stated in an interview. “We tried to tell them their cards wouldn’t scan inside, but didn’t actually know how to make that happen.”

Hogle went on to express his disappointment that the punishment was delayed after massive snow fall Thursday. “We wanted to put it on Friday, but I decided to give students the day off before punishing them. I think my constituents are pleased.”

Cicely Shonberg echoed Hogle’s astonishment. “I surprised myself. I truly couldn’t believe I was capable of enforcing such intense guidelines, but once I started I simply couldn’t stop!”

Music Theory Professor Samuel Bivens described the test shortage in an interview with Matthew Arnold. “There just aren’t enough basslines. If it weren’t for students testing positive after exposure to music and then being exempt from testing, we’d be totally out by now. There’s only one ‘Under Pressure’.”

Bivens elaborated that CIM is very concerned about the approaching Enigma Variant expected to infect CIM sometime very soon. “I can’t get it out my my mind and I don’t know why,” he said, “I can almost hear the Enigma variant every time I close my eyes...it’s really weird. Something tells me the speed of the Engima variant will be unprecedented.”

External CIM News

17/05/2022

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06/05/2022

24/04/2022

30/03/2022

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09/03/2022

25/02/2022

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