02/02/2025
Punxsutawney Phil Blames Extended Winter on DEI, Echoing Trump’s Latest Attack on Inclusion
RIVER VALLEY GAZETTE – In a shocking turn of events, America’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, has officially blamed Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policies for his forecast of six more weeks of winter. The announcement, made during the annual Groundhog Day ceremony, immediately sparked political controversy, with critics accusing Phil of parroting President Donald Trump’s latest war on marginalized communities.
Emerging from his burrow early this morning, Phil was met with an unusually large crowd of Trump supporters waving “DEI Killed the Sun” signs and chanting “Make Groundhog Day Great Again!” Moments later, Phil was hoisted into the air by a representative of the Groundhog Club, who declared:
“Phil has seen his shadow! Six more weeks of winter! He cites radical DEI policies as the reason for the cold and suffering of good, hardworking Americans.”
The statement sent shockwaves across the nation, with many wondering if the groundhog—long considered a neutral meteorological figure—had officially become a puppet of Trump’s administration.
White House Praises Phil’s “Bravery”
President Trump wasted no time celebrating Phil’s stance, taking to Truth Social within minutes of the announcement:
“Punxsutawney Phil—SMART GROUNDHOG—knows what’s REALLY happening. Winter is being extended by WOKE, RADICAL LEFT POLICIES! DEI is DESTROYING AMERICA’S SEASONS!!! I will be DEFUNDING all woke groundhogs that don’t support FREE & FAIR WEATHER!”
“Also, my people tell me Phil is a huge fan of my Bible. Great groundhog. Big supporter.”
Shortly after the post, Press Secretary Kimberly Guilfoyle held an emergency press briefing, stating, “This is just more proof that DEI ruins everything. Not only has it destroyed our military, our schools, and our government, but now it’s actively making winter longer! The science is undeniable, folks.”
Meteorologists and Scientists Left Speechless
The scientific community has responded with deep concern and mild bewilderment.
Dr. Emily Carter, a climate scientist at NOAA, struggled to maintain composure while responding to the claim. “Look, I—this is—it’s a groundhog. This has nothing to do with—DEI isn’t—Jesus Christ.”
Meanwhile, meteorologists across the country are now being required to sign anti-DEI loyalty oaths to continue forecasting the weather, in what experts are calling “the worst thing to happen to science since Trump suggested injecting bleach.”
LGBTQ+ Community and DEI Advocates Respond
LGBTQ+ advocacy groups and DEI supporters are condemning both Phil’s announcement and Trump’s continued attacks on inclusion.
“He’s now blaming q***r people and racial minorities for the weather. We’ve officially entered an era where climate change isn’t real, but gay storms are,” said activist Marsha Vega, director of the Ohio Valley Equality Network.
Some activists are fighting back with humor, launching the movement, which aims to promote the visibility of LGBTQ+ groundhogs and pro-DEI meteorological rodents.
“We’re currently in talks with Gus, the Second Most Famous Groundhog from Pennsylvania, to see if he’ll release a counter-statement on the importance of inclusion and mild spring temperatures,” said Vega.
Pennsylvania Moves to Ban DEI in Groundhog Forecasting
Following the controversy, Pennsylvania state lawmakers aligned with Trump have introduced a bill banning DEI initiatives in all weather-related professions, arguing that only “pure, untainted” forecasts should be allowed.
“This woke DEI garbage is why we get bad weather,” claimed State Rep. Rick McAllister. “We never had tornadoes back when we only hired straight, white meteorologists who did their jobs without all this equity nonsense.”
Critics have pointed out that McAllister is not a scientist, has never studied weather, and once claimed rainbows were “God’s reminder to vote Republican.”
What’s Next for Punxsutawney Phil?
With pressure mounting, sources close to Punxsutawney Phil say he has retreated to his burrow and is considering a career shift after the backlash. Some insiders claim he is in talks to join Trump’s 2028 campaign as a weather consultant or launch a conservative weather network dedicated to “anti-woke forecasting.”
For now, the nation remains locked in six more weeks of Trump-backed winter, while Americans brace for what’s sure to be a long, cold battle for common sense.
“At this rate, next year Trump will blame hurricanes on drag queens,” one Pennsylvania resident muttered before slipping on an icy sidewalk.
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