11/20/2025
When I ran at the elite level on the roads, I noticed something I did that was so different, so jarring to everyone else, but served me wellā¦
When people would ask how I felt before a goal race, I would always share that I was scared, nervous, thinking about how much discomfort I was about to put myself through.
It wasnāt the answer they wanted. It definitely wasnāt the answer the other elites gave. Everyone else wanted (or said) āGreat! Excited! itās gonna be the best day!ā
I on the other hand, was basically saying how terrified I was. Race week, I would catastrophize and think about all the things that could go wrong, how would I work through them. While everyone elseās visualizations focused on how good they would feel (and mine included that too), I needed to allow myself to go into a place where I thought about how hard it was gonna be.
But hereās the thing, come race day, I would execute. I would have processed through, and be able to stay engaged, pushing myself to the very end.
So now, as I look straight into the eyes of the toughest physical feat (other than maybe childbirth?) I have ever done, honestly, I do feel terrified. There are so many thoughts that ask, how the hell am I going to make it to the finish line of this 100k?!
I know now, thatās part of the experience for me, thatās part of how I get to the finish, is allowing myself to go to the dark places of my brain before I get to those moments. That way, I have felt the emotions, and can rationally work through tough patches.
Whether that translates to a 100k finish I am proud of , I canāt say for sure. But I do know myself, trust myself more than I ever have before.
And I know I have my best friend waiting for me, who happens to be one of the most experienced (and fastest) ultra runners there is .ryan, with arms out at every aid station, ready to support me.
I know I have voice memos from people I love, that will be stacked up and ready for a moment I need them (and admitting there will be tough parts allowed me to even ask for these at all).
And this time, I know something more important. That no matter how fast I go. I am loved. I matter. I am enough ā¤ļø
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