02/02/2025
Repost from the The Occuplaytional Therapist đ
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She is struggling. S t r u g g l i n g. This year is hard, hard, hard for so many reasons.
We havenât been able to do everything I wish we could do, in OT every week, because weâre so busy putting out the emotional fire thatâs raging constantly that we canât even make progress in new skills. The slightest push feels like it would send her over the edge, and I canât do that to her. I empathize too hard with that struggle, anyway. I tell myself that Iâm being the one safe adult in her lifeâŚthat if she doesnât know anywhere else where she can let her guard down, she knows she can with me.
She comes to me ready to fight, because sheâs been fighting all week.
She begs me to take some of my toys, some of my OT materials. I remind her that these things are for all the kids, that I canât just give away my materials. She palms a pom-pom on her way out, thinking sheâs hiding it from me. I donât say anything, I let it go. Sheâs only 30 seconds out the door before she turns around and comes back in, presses it into my hand, the guilt is too much. âI accidentally forgot I was holding this, Iâm sorry,â she tells me, and I accept a pom-pom and an apology and donât push it even an inch further, and she still wonât stop apologizing. Her heart is so sweet. Sheâs just hurting.
She whispers an insult out of nowhere. Itâs technically directed at me, but I also know itâs not really *at* me. âYouâre trash. Youâre trash.â When I donât reply, she gets a little louder. âYouâre trash. Ha-ha, youâre just trash.â
In as completely innocent and nonjudgmental of a tone of voice as I possibly can, I cheerfully ask, âWho are you talking to?â
Again she dissolves. âYouâre not trash, Iâm sorry, it was mean, I know youâre not trash.â I tell her that itâs okay, that Iâm not hurt, I know Iâm not trash. I want to ask her whoâs saying this, that it was in the forefront of her mind, but her speedy, thoughtful brain is already on to telling me different things.
We play a game. Sheâs the one making up the game. She has four ponies and they go around the OT room and do different activities, and I follow her lead. She usually gives me half the animals. Today she holds one outâ âHere, you can have purpleââ and then snatches it back. âHa-ha, you actually get nothing. You donât even get any.â
âOh, okay,â I say neutrally, trying to read the situation.
She deflates a little, to my eyes. Iâm not sure what I should do. Itâs so obvious that sheâs dying for power in a situation when she has none all day long. But I thought I was giving her power, by agreeing, by letting her control the game. If I fought with her, she might feel fleetingly powerful, but she feels so guilty about being âmeanâ that I donât think it would last. Iâm not sure how to spin it so that she can âwinâ this scenario the way she so desperately needs to.
ThenâŚ
I lean in. I play.
I stage whisper conspiratorially. âWait, when you say, âHa-ha, you get nothing,â do you want me to say, âoh, okay,â or do you want me to say,â and I become extremely dramatic, âAWWW MAAAANNNN, I wish *I* had a pony! Pleeeeeaseeeeeee let me have just oooooone ponyyyyyyy!!!!â
She absolutely, completely, lights up. âI want you to say awww mannnn!â
âOkay,â I agree, and then give an Oscar-worthy performance of Therapist Who Desperately Wishes They Could Play With One Of The Ponies.
Sheâs laughing by the end of it, and offering me two of the toys. âHere, you have half of them. Letâs go, they have to crawl through the maze. Waitâno, I have to crawl through the maze and you have to go on the balance beam.â
Iâm all set and ready to ask whether Iâm supposed to agree with the balance beam or protest my being barred from the maze. Sheâs one step ahead of me. She gives me a smile. âAnd you just say âoh okayâ. I donât want you to say awww mannnn anymore. I just want to play.â
âOh, okay,â I say, and me and my ponies go on the balance beam, and she crawls through the maze, with a little flicker of lightâpowerâre-lit. With the feeling that some time today, she won, and she didnât even have to be against me to do it.
***
[Image description:
At the top of the image, it reads, âRethinking Power Needsâ, with the artistâs tag .
The rest of the image is various cartoony illustrations with captions.
There is a picture of a remote control, with an X on it. Its caption says, âPower is not like a remote control where only one person has all the power and control.â
Next to that is a picture of a candle being held in a hand and used to light other candles. It reads, âPower is like a candle. You can give a child power without giving away any of your own power.â
Next to that is a picture of a bucket full of water, with another X on it. âYou donât have a set amount of power, like a bucketful. There are ways to give a child power without losing any of your own.â
In the center of the image is a quote in larger letters: âKids donât want your power. They want their own.â The quote is by Richard LaVoie.
There is a drawing of a child with a thumbs-up. It reads, âWhen a student feels they have power with the adults as well as power within themselves, theyâll have less need to seek power over others.â
âA new understanding of power can help with thisâŚâ An arrow points to another quote. âSee a child differentlyâŚsee a different childâ which is by Stuart Shankar.
At the bottom of the image are two lists, next to two more illustrations of candles. The first list is titled, â6 ways to help kids meet their power needs.â
1. Offer choice, not orders
2. Give responsibility
3. Start with strengths
4. Express interest rather than praise
5. Ask for their opinion
6. Ask for their help
The second list is titled, â6 points to remember.â
1. Avoid power struggles
2. Avoid making threats
3. Growing power needs are a healthy part of child development
4. Respect boundaries
5. The rules (not the adult) should be obeyed
6. Reflect on your own need for power and control
At the bottom of the image is one more quote, by Ross Greene: âThe reality is that no one wins a power struggle.â
End image description.]
Hcs
