01/28/2024
Title: Not Everyone Knows
I know it’s been some time, but I’ve wondered if the monster is still there. Yeah, I still have my scar. How are yours?
Do you choke? Cry? Stiffen or post up? You see, I’m okay on the outside. You'd never tell I’ve mastered the cover-up. Different things bring back memories. I shed a little tear. Sometimes I wonder who I am. The man I can see or the monster I fear they say is there.
I was 12 years old when accusations threatened to destroy my future and shook me to the core. Man, it's getting hot in here. I felt those darts; they were fire and burned as they pierced me from all sides. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to live or die. Was I just another pawn falling in a game? A domino to be thrown to the wayside.
Go to the church, they said. Go to the Lord, they said. Go to prayer, they said. I finally had to see how many more people wanted to see me dead. I shattered like glass, my life like dust; there was no control over where I’d land. Broken into pieces and tormented at night, anger and sadness worked against me. It was becoming routine.
My faith was getting crushed while friends became strangers and allies turned into shadows. Some still act shady to this day. I looked in the mirror and wondered, "Who are you?" I see that scar is still there, but not everyone knows. Getting better each day is hard when you have to hide the pain you’ve gone through. The Lord knows it runs deep into my soul.
In the end, He saw me through. In the end, my accusers were silenced. The Lord was my fighter because I had nothing left to give. The courts could find no wrong. But in the end, my vindication was not the end. My scar is still with me, but not everyone knows. A reminder of what I’ve been through. The monster they said lurks within me.
My daughter was born six years ago, and those memories came flooding back. My heart was on the edge of breaking. I was back to feeling alone. Fearful if they’d see the man I am or the monster they said was within. The fight was back for another round. I was blindsided once again, only this time I had more to lose.
I should be happy she was born. She’s the gift I was asking for. A daddy’s blessing she is, but attached came those memories. A reminder again: my scar is still with me, but not everyone knows. Flashbacks played like an old movie of the monster they said I was and that I’d always be. I fought till I could give no more. Lord knows this runs deep into my soul. My scar is still with me, but not everyone knows.
- Jacob Olinger
