One Mother's Journey

06/13/2023

Hello Friends!

Inviting you to come and follow me on my YouTube channel: youtube.com/melissa20251

I am going to be posting my longer videos over on YouTube, focus more on my written posts and shorter videos here on Facebook. Something to do with all of that algorithm stuff... 〽️〽🔄🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀

If I can reach more people then I can build a bigger community!

Thank you, love to all! 💗

06/05/2023

✨Every year during the anniversary of Carleigh's passing, we do something special to celebrate her life. This year her son Ashton and I went adventuring, as he likes to call it, to the coast. Carleigh loved this place, and Ashton and I had never been. It was beautiful, and a little challenging at times for this Grandma ("Jammie") to keep up with a little guy!

The past few days have been impossibly sad as we remember and miss Carleigh's bright, loving spirit, and remember when she passed on from this world so unexpectedly. Ashton has grown so much since he lost his Mommy; I am sad that they no longer have one another but also honored to be raising him.

I hope you enjoy these highlights from our little trip! Sending love to all. ❤

05/14/2023

Wishing everyone a day filled with peace and love. Mother's Day is beautiful but it can also be difficult, for so many reasons. Sending love to everyone. ❤️

05/04/2023

I saw this on the news this morning- cartels hiding fentanyl in gas tanks. They seem to always be one step ahead whether it is in smuggling the drugs, or new drugs hitting the streets. Other than building awareness that the days of "experimenting" are over and can literally cost someone their life, what else can we do? It seems like the justice system is a revolving door, and dealers get out of prison just to go back to selling these killer drugs. In my opinion this is a complex problem without a simple resolution. What are your thoughts?

Officials say 300,000 fentanyl pills and more than 11 pounds of fentanyl powder were recovered from the gas tank of an SUV.

05/01/2023

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04/23/2023

✨Easter 2023✨

Ashton and I went to visit one of my twin daughters and her family for Easter. It was mayhem, it was a blast for the kids, the Easter Bunny was good to them. Ashton calls my twin girls "The Twin Aunties". ❤️❤️

For Alex and I, it was another reminder of how Carleigh's absence is present in everything. The holidays, the birthdays....every single day. I am grateful for my other children and how they always work to help Ashton through his grief, and to make things special for him, with all of the pain that they, too, are going through. I don't know what I would do without any single one of them.

✨Ashton and I spent Easter with Auntie Alex and her family. The kids all had so much fun. For Alex and I, the day was heavy though. The absence of Carleigh i...

04/16/2023

✨We hear about them all of the time, but are there 5 stages of grief that we need to follow in order to be grieving properly? What if grief is more complicated, and lasts a long, long time? What do YOU think about the 5 stages of grief, have they been realistic in your life?

04/12/2023

✨This time of year Is. Hard. I found Carleigh passed away in early June 2020, and I find myself reliving the last days and months of her young life. There is a line of demarcation, the Life of Before and the Life of After, which represents the fault line that broke my world the moment I discovered my child was no longer present on this earth. For me, losing Carleigh has been immensely confusing in addition to unbearably painful.

In my life of Before, I thought I knew most (though admittedly not all) of the things that happened in my daughter’s life, because she shared so much with me. The months leading up to her passing were incredibly tumultuous. I had just unexpectedly lost my mother and was in deep grief. The pandemic was getting going and the world was upside down. I was trying to help Carleigh manage her anxiety, encouraging her to reach out to her care providers but she kept saying they weren’t helping her. In reality, they weren’t, because her anxiety was worse than I had seen it in a very long time. It was hard to watch her struggling, and I was dealing with my own struggles with processing the death of my mom at the time. I beat myself up about this a lot, because I see what I could have done differently, had I known at the time what I know now. I hate what Carleigh was going through, all that she was carrying on her shoulders that she felt she couldn’t share because she was ashamed. Her boyfriend was trying to bully her into giving up her son, because he was weak and couldn’t handle being around another man’s child. Carleigh loved Ashton more than life itself and adamantly refused to even consider giving him up. There was so much going on that I could have at the very least been there to listen to, had she given me the chance.

This Life of After for me has been so difficult to navigate; the presence of her absence is felt in everything both large and small. The mundane day-to-day life as well as the big days like birthdays and holidays. All her son’s milestones that she is missing. It is a heavy pain that no amount of time can take away. The Life of Before is where my daughter existed, where I could hug her, laugh until we snorted, spend time with her, and drive her nuts as was my job as her mom. Half of me stays in that place in time, and half of me is in this here and now. Half of me in heaven, half on earth. And, as time inches ever closer to the memorial date of her passing, the pain and reality of losing her will grow until it feels as though it will crush me. I can only hope that she knew and still knows how much I love her. 🕊

04/05/2023

A year after my daughter made this video dancing with her son, she was killed by fentanyl poisoning. Ashton lost his Mommy, I lost my daughter, and my other children lost their sibling. Ashton loves watching these videos of him and his Mommy; they had such a special bond that death cannot break. Carleigh will forever be a beautiful light. 🕊

03/14/2023

✨Whoever coined the phrase "Happiness is a Choice" clearly did not find their youngest child dead. I hate trite little sayings like that, though admittedly there was a time in my life where I was likely guilty of saying these very things. (To those who found me annoying, I understand!)

This is not to say that my life lacks in joy; I find joy in my grandson whom I am raising, my other grandchildren and of course my surviving adult children. But life has irrevocably changed, and I feel that to not acknowledge that would be denying the reality of now.

It is a harsh and sad reality, there are no quotes or phrases to change it or make it better. Time cannot undo or erase what has been done, nor does time soften the pain and trauma. It is a life sentence. 🕊

03/07/2023

✨Carleigh was so full of life and happy here, singing and taking care of her son with his asthma, only to be lost to Fentanyl less than 3 months later. When I came across this video it hurt my heart in a way I cannot describe- she had no idea that her young life was about to end. The death of a child is a debilitating pain; time stands still and everything you thought was important in this world changes in an instant. We are facing a crisis of opioids, fentanyl, substance use disorder and mental illness... 175 people per day gone to overdose and poisoning. 175 families shattered, lives destroyed, loved ones gone.

03/05/2023

70% of adults in the United States have experienced some type of traumatic event in their lives; that is over 223 million people. Trauma can have long lasting effects mentally, emotionally, physically, and can be tied to substance abuse and addiction. Treatment for addiction needs to include mental health. ‍✨

02/25/2023

✨We all stereotype when we think of addiction and mental illness, but what if our biases are wrong? An estimated 1 in 4 adults experience mental illness, and 1 in 5 people suffering from addiction don't know where to go for help. Each of these numbers represent a life, a person who is loved...someone's child. ✨

02/21/2023

✨Some of the signs of Fentanyl use and overdose. Remember that Fentanyl can kill within seconds to minutes, and Narcan cannot always reverse overdose. Any drug, pill, powder can be tainted with Fentanyl. Don't risk your life it isn't worth it!🕊

02/20/2023

✨️Fentanyl stole my youngest daughter in 2020, leaving behind her 2-year-old little boy and a wake of devastation and pain. Carleigh was just 20 when she was poisoned by this terrible drug, which is growing as a national crisis. I have spent the past 2 and a half years in deep grief and trauma and want to do what I can to prevent another family from going through this pain. There is so much stigma surrounding substance use disorder, many people do not seek help. We have to do better as a society to reduce stigma and shame, to stop vilifying those who have issues with addiction and instead do what we can to make resources and services available. We are losing a generation and we have to do something. What do you think can be done about the problems surrounding addiction and Fentanyl deaths in our country? What can we do as individuals to stop the shame and stigma? Let me know below! ✨️(Sorry about the light glare on Carleigh's photo I'm still trying to get the hang of this!) 😊

02/16/2023

Trauma informed therapy that addresses both mental health and substance use disorder is imperative. We know that addiction and trauma go hand in hand, yet often the treatment for one does not include treatment for the other.

Why is it that the most vulnerable who seek help have to jump through so many hoops to get it? 🤷‍♀️

02/16/2023

More on Xylazine and how it creates a zombie state. Starting in the northeast heading south and west, combined with fentanyl and even more deadly. ☠️🪦

Tranq users get turned into real-life zombies, right down to loss of basic mental function and the rotten flesh.