McSweeney's

02/03/2025

"Your Supermarket Cake coverage will pay for 80 percent of your expenses every time you encounter a medical issue, so long as your expenses are limited to a $27.99 supermarket cake that you bought to comfort-eat while worrying about how you'll afford to fix your medical issue."

Dear Employees, We are pleased to officially roll out the company’s new health benefits. Supermarket Cake is an innovative insurance option that al...

02/02/2025

"Hopefully, after the capitalists and their phony system are brought to justice, things will go back to normal. We’ll all get to see what a real, lasting peace is... and our social media feeds will be going back to funny dog fails and sassy babies."

First off, let me just say: I know how you feel. I, too, miss the days when my feed was full of videos of cute kittens and baked egg recipes. Now w...

02/02/2025

Call Bill Murray’s 1-800 Number: The call will go straight to voicemail. You have two minutes to describe your idea and Bill’s role in the project. Certain words or phrases will immediately end your chances of Bill’s participation: “Summer blockbuster,” “M. Night,” and “Another Garfield.”

Bill Murray does not have an agent or a manager. In order for filmmakers to cast him in their films, they must follow the steps below. Call Bill Mu...

02/02/2025

“My tattoo is faded now, but you can make out the letters — that there were letters. See, there’s the ‘N’ from ‘FUN’ It says ‘I HAD FUN ONCE. IT WAS AWFUL.’ And there’s a picture of a cat.”

Blake b.1987: “My tattoo is faded now, but you can make out the letters — that there were letters. See, there’s the ‘N’ from ‘FUN’ It says ‘I HAD F...

02/02/2025

"For a long time, we were convinced that our efforts to free her mind were for naught, but recently, as we've started socializing her a little bit, we've been delighted to find that she is completely antipathetic to the concept of sharing. As parents, we couldn't have asked for a better daughter."

I’d like to start by saying that I don’t get into belligerent shouting matches at the playground very often. The Tot Lot, by its very nature, can b...

02/02/2025

"Does the term 'kinky' sufficiently connote full and active participation in political and economic life?"

Rick James’s Long Lost Annotations to His 1981 Hit Song “Superfreak” Reveal What He Really Wanted to Record Was an Anthem of Female Empowerment

02/01/2025

Eight years ago today, a bold new satirist graced our pages...

Well, the election, it came out really well. Next time we’ll triple the number or quadruple it. We want to get it over 51, right? At least 51. Well...

02/01/2025

MACBETH: I didn’t forget to smear the sleeping grooms with blood. I just wanted you to do it.

(We listen and we don’t judge.)

We listen and we don’t judge. LADY MACBETH: I hate it when you introduce me as your “Dearest partner of greatness.” What’s wrong with “wife”? We li...

02/01/2025

"You think a private browser is going to stop me, really? Think again. All I have to do is call in a few favors, and bam: 'You’ve used up all your free articles.' That’s right, baby, your IP address isn’t secret. Not like I am to you."

I start this game of cat and mouse when you least expect it: You’ve swiped right to search for an unused app on your phone that you’re convinced yo...

02/01/2025

"Calming Breathing Exercises for the Moment When Teens Walk by, and You Can’t Remember If the Jeans You’re Wearing Are Good"

Yoga for Young Adults Who Did Something Weird to Their Backs Fifteen-Minute Yoga for the Modern Woman Who Spent the First Ten Minutes of Her Free T...

02/01/2025

Stanchion
Anais
Talullah
Rudder

1. Hopper 2. Tiller 3. Dashiell 4. Stanchion 5. Anais 6. Talullah 7. Rudder 8. Mason 9. Traveler 10. Flora 11. Portlight 12. Magnus - - -Boat Parts...

01/31/2025

"The Slaying of the Movers Who Broke Hercules’s Only Box of Plates, Not with Violence, But by Leaving a Scathing Google Review Comparing Them to a Nine-Headed Hydra with a Case of the Dropsies."

Hercules, demigod and hero, in a fit of madness brought on by FOMO and too much HGTV, did consult with the Oracle of Delphi about buying a house. T...

01/31/2025

Coming this spring: Eskor David Johnson’s epic, picaresque triumph Pay As You Go, in a handsome new paperback edition. Named a best book of 2023 by NPR and a finalist for the 2023 Young Lions Fiction Award.

“Told in a raucous vaudeville style that blends gorgeous lyrical descriptions with madcap farce, Pay As You Go is a magnetic novel.”
—Foreword Reviews, starred review

“Relatable to anyone who has endured city life, his surreal and uproarious picaresque is a love letter to cities and all who have lived in them.”
—Tochi Onyebuchi, NPR, Books We Love

“An inventive, beautifully written debut that will leave readers wanting more.”
—Kirkus, starred review

“A sensational new voice… [johnson] betray[s] a talented eye for detail as he audits what it means to be at home in the 21st century.”
—Breanne McIvor, Moko Magazine

Link in bio to preorder.

01/31/2025

"Whatever politics I have are generally assumed to be in service to the state and/or capitalist class or, as the conservatives would see it, terrorists."

1. That the rest of the world regards my profession with a mixture of reverence and fear, much as they would, say, a confessional priest, or mob hi...

01/31/2025

A new excerpt from The Believer featuring the sage advice of the great Carrie Brownstein.

A quarterly column from Carrie Brownstein, who is better at dispensing advice than taking it. Q: What is an appropriate amount of time to stay at ...

01/31/2025

"Cage wanted you to listen to the sounds you normally ignore. Like people breathing and birds chirping. I wasn’t all that excited about it, but they kept telling us that if we didn’t do what they said, they’d sell us to Randy Quaid, and he’d hunt us for sport."

Part One: The Kidz Dana Wilkinson, Kidz Bop Producer: People don’t remember this, but there was a draft in the early 2000s. We’d show up at some th...

01/31/2025

"We need to maintain an environment of fairness, collegiality, and blind deference to the state-appointed men and woman who somehow have unlimited leverage over our professional lives."

Dear faculty, We are living in turbulent times, with intractable partisanship on all sides of the political spectrum. Institutions of higher learni...

01/30/2025

THE SUN ALSO RISES: "Oh, Jake," Brett said, "we could have had such a damned good time together. If you would only scoop it up when it happens, and spray the area with stain remover. It’s not that hard. Much like other things I could mention."

The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they bought regular kibble, even when specifically asked to get ...