Phelps County News

10/11/2025

Mayoral candidate Clint D. Harrow unveiled a sweeping platform Monday that mixes business jargon, conspiracy rhetoric and personal attacks on first declared mayor candidate Lister B. Florence Jr., promising to “make Rolla profitable again” by removing fluoride from the water, monetizing The Centre and “evicting homelessness from the balance sheet.”

Harrow, who describes himself as an “entrepreneur and survivor of four bankruptcies,” delivered his remarks in front of The Centre with consultants from FutureGov Strategies LLC and a banner reading “Make Rolla Cash Flow Again.”

“Lister Florence wants unity,” Harrow said. “I want liquidity.”

Harrow’s first proposal calls for removing fluoride from Rolla’s drinking water, a move he said would “free residents from chemical control.” He cited former councilperson Megan Johnson and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as “visionaries who understood what the government doesn’t want you to know.”

“I’ll replace fluoride with a proprietary mineral blend sourced locally,” Harrow said. “It’ll save money, improve clarity and maybe teeth too... I’m not a dentist, I’m a job creator.”

Florence’s campaign dismissed the idea as “pseudoscience,” prompting Harrow to respond that “science is just business that hasn’t been monetized yet.”

Harrow also unveiled plans to transform The Centre into what he called “CentreCoin: A Self-Liquidating Wellness Hub.” The proposal includes converting the pool into an “aquatic coworking space,” selling treadmill naming rights, and leasing locker rooms as “executive hydration pods.”

“Lister Florence wants to save The Centre,” Harrow said. “I want to flip it.”

Addressing homelessness along Kings Highway and downtown, Harrow described the issue as “an untapped resource with branding potential.” His proposed Public-Private Outdoor Relocation Initiative would move unhoused residents to a sponsored campground behind Lowe’s, with tents featuring local business logos.

“We can’t afford compassion without capitalization,” he said. “Lister Florence sees suffering — I see underutilized workforce potential.”

Florence’s campaign declined to respond directly, but an aide said the incumbent “believes people come before profits.”

Harrow ended his press conference with a smirk and a new slogan.

“Rolla isn’t broken,” he said. “It’s just poorly leveraged.”

10/09/2025

After days of online outrage, the Crocker R-II School District announced it had replaced a transgender magician scheduled to perform at Family Night. However they declined to explain why or who they replaced them with.

Parents found out the answer the hard way when the curtain rose to reveal “Pastor Doug’s Faith-Based Fire Show.”

Witnesses say the performance featured a flannel-shirted youth minister juggling flaming Bibles while shouting, “Nothing up my sleeves except salvation!” and accidentally setting off the sprinkler system.

“The first magician just made things disappear,” said parent Trina P., still dripping. “This one made the fire alarms go off ... and maybe my will to live.”

The district offered no details about the switch, issuing only a statement saying the new act was “a better fit for our community’s values and insurance deductible.”

Rumors spread online that the original magician was removed after Facebook posts circulated claiming “he’s a guy pretending to be a girl who does underwear videos.” Others pointed out that the replacement’s YouTube channel includes multiple sermons about hellfire and “magic being Satan’s Wi-Fi.”

“Look, we just wanted some card tricks,” said PTA president Linda Falkner. “Now my kid thinks he has to accept Jesus before he can check out a library book.”

Asked whether the district would apologize to the original performer, officials said only that they were “looking into booking a ventriloquist who supports the troops” for next time.

Meanwhile, the magician posted: “Turns out my greatest trick was dodging Crocker.”

10/07/2025

Planned Parenthood is offering free vasectomies this month in Kansas City, St. Louis, and, apparently to throw people off the scent... Rolla.

The organization says it’s part of World Vasectomy Day, but several observers noticed the locations line up a little too neatly with what Planned Parenthood Founder Margaret Sanger might have called her “dream demographic map.”

“Sure, Kansas City and St. Louis make sense if you’re trying to thin out a voter base,” said one local cynic. “But adding Rolla? That’s just plausible deniability.”

A Planned Parenthood spokesperson insisted the site selection was based on “community access and demand,” though sources close to the planning committee said Rolla was added “just so it wouldn’t look like we were only hitting the cities with decent barbecue.”

Political analysts noted that Missouri’s vasectomy tour conveniently follows the I-70 corridor, “which just happens to connect most of the people Sanger would’ve called undesirable breeders back in the day.”

“We categorically reject the idea that this campaign is connected to Margaret Sanger’s complicated historical legacy,” said a Planned Parenthood representative. “Today’s Planned Parenthood focuses solely on reproductive health and personal choice. Any resemblance to early eugenic theories is purely coincidental... and geographically efficient.”

Rolla officials, meanwhile, are staying positive. “We’re honored to be included,” said one Chamber representative. “Normally we’re left out of things like concerts and infrastructure funding. So getting picked for statewide sterilization feels like progress.”

When asked if the program would expand to Springfield next year, the spokesperson paused. “Maybe... but we’ll probably pick a smaller town to make it look random. Something like Lebanon or Cuba.”

The tour concludes Oct. 22, just in time for election season. Though organizers insist that’s “pure coincidence.”

10/06/2025

In a stunning display of confidence, optimism, and perhaps premature enthusiasm, former Ward 3 Councilman Lister B. Florence Jr. announced Sunday... yes, a Sunday... that he is running for Mayor of Rolla in the April 2026 municipal election, which is roughly the political equivalent of announcing your lunch plans for next year’s Fourth of July.

Florence, who served on the council from 2020 to 2024 and as Mayor Pro Tem from 2022 to 2024, made the announcement via a heartfelt but possibly AI generated Facebook post that began trending shortly after area residents realized nothing else remotely interesting was happening on a Sunday afternoon.

“I want to build a Rolla we’re proud to call home,” Florence wrote, followed by the hashtag , which some readers initially mistook for a new breakfast sandwich at Scruff's Grill.

“I believe in building on what makes Rolla strong — our families, our neighborhoods, our schools,” Florence wrote, notably leaving out “our patience for political announcements made an ungodly number of days in advance.”

Political insiders described the announcement as “bold,” “unorthodox,” and “a little thirsty, if we’re being honest.”

“It used to be that people waited until December to file and announce,” said one veteran Rolla observer. “Now they’re announcing mayoral runs before the leaves even finish changing color. At this rate, the 2028 candidates should be announcing sometime during this year’s Lions Club Carnival.”

Even Florence’s slogan, “Leadership with a Serving Heart, as We Working Together for Rolla’s Bright Future” left residents scrambling to determine whether it was a campaign pitch or a submission to Missouri S&T’s group-project hall of fame.

Still, Florence’s background is unimpeachable: a longtime U.S. Geological Survey employee and Missouri S&T alumnus, with degrees in engineering, computer science, and information systems... or as one city staffer put it, “the first candidate who could literally debug the council’s projector without calling IT.”

The Sunday launch was seen by some as spiritually strategic. “If you’re going to announce a campaign this far out,” said one churchgoer, “you might as well do it right after service. That way at least some people are already in the forgiving mood.”

Sources confirm that Florence’s post hit Facebook around the same time as most people’s casserole photos, leading to initial confusion. “I thought it was another one of those recipe reels,” said Ward 3 voter Mabel Hensley. “By the time I realized it was politics, I’d already commented ‘Looks delicious!’”

Noticeably absent from the early campaigning frenzy is Kevin Greven, the current Mayor Pro Tem, who has yet to declare his intentions but has reportedly been “measuring the drapes” in City Hall since April.

“Kevin’s playing it cool,” said one insider. “He’s the kind of guy who waits until the official filing window opens ... or at least until Lister’s campaign page accidentally shares one of those inspirational posts about teamwork from 2019.”

Observers note that if Greven does jump in, Rolla could face its first competitive mayoral race since the Great Utility Bill Debate of 2010, when two candidates tied and settled it with a coin toss at Alex’s Pizza.

Political analysts agree Florence’s announcement marks a new era in small-town campaign inflation.

“We used to have two months of campaigning,” said a local historian from the Missouri S&T Archives Department. “Now it’s half a year. Pretty soon they’ll be announcing runs for council at birth, just to get the name recognition.”

Residents have already begun speculating what an 6-month campaign might entail: door-to-door visits before Halloween 2025, Christmas cards reading “Vote Florence,” and a “New Year, New Mayor” float in next year’s Christmas parade.

One commenter on the Phelps County News page summarized local sentiment perfectly: “Buddy, it’s not even filing season. We haven’t even put away the fair banners yet.”

Reached for comment Monday morning, Florence’s social-media manager clarified that the timing was “intentional” and “not the result of accidentally hitting publish while editing the announcement draft.”

“Lister wanted to get the message out early,” the aide said. “He’s a visionary. He plans ahead. Like, way ahead. If he were a weatherman, we’d know next April’s pollen count.”

When asked whether he’s concerned about sustaining momentum for 6 months, supporters smiled and said, “Leadership with a serving heart,” which experts interpret as either a campaign mantra or the default setting on ChatGPT’s local politics generator.

For now, Rolla residents can rest easy knowing their next mayoral election is already underway... even if the current mayor hasn’t announced, the ballot hasn’t opened, and most voters haven’t finished their leftover chili from the football game.

As one longtime resident put it, “This man’s got the earliest start since daylight savings. If he campaigns any earlier, he’s going to overlap with the last one.”

10/05/2025

The Rolla City Council advanced plans for a single-lane roundabout near an active BNSF rail crossing, saying the project will make traffic “safer, smoother and slightly more circular.”

The intersection of 18th Street, Bardsley Road and Old St. James Road has long been a trouble spot, known for near misses and confusion. Public Works Director Darin Pryor told the council the design will fix that.

“Roundabouts have fewer severe crashes,” Pryor said. “Mainly because everyone’s going slow enough to make eye contact before impact.”

The council approved the first reading of an ordinance authorizing a contract with Lochmueller Group for the design. The project sits roughly 300 to 400 feet from the BNSF tracks, close enough for drivers to “enjoy both rotational and emotional turbulence,” Pryor said.

Because of the proximity to the railroad, BNSF is requiring a third-party safety review estimated at $34,997.

City Administrator John Butz said the review was necessary to ensure trains and traffic could “coexist in harmony, at least until physics intervenes.”

“Burlington Northern cares deeply about safety,” Butz said. “They just prefer not to personally provide it.”

“It can only get better,” Shelbe said. “There’s no way it can be worse... unless we accidentally make it a figure eight.”

To offset costs, the city announced a “Rolla Roundabout Merch Collection” featuring reflective T-shirts reading I Survived the Circle, limited-edition dashboard air fresheners shaped like yield signs, and a commemorative snow globe that plays a train horn when shaken.

Mayor Lou Magdits said proceeds will go toward right-of-way purchases and, if sales go well, “therapy for whoever has to explain this design to MoDOT.”

“It’s economic development with flair,” Magdits said. “Buy a hat, save a driver.”

Some residents expressed cautious optimism. Janice Lother, a retired crossing guard, called it “the closest thing Rolla will have to Six Flags.”

Caleb Dunne, a Missouri S&T student, said he looks forward to “watching the first person try to beat both the yield and the train.”

Pryor said the department will educate the public with a simulation video titled Roundabouts: You Can’t Drift Through Them.

The council will hold the final vote at its next meeting, provided no one gets dizzy first.

Magdits closed the discussion with civic pride, “Every great city has a roundabout,” he said. “Paris has the Arc de Triomphe, Kansas City has six of them, and Rolla will have one that occasionally meets a locomotive.”

Pryor agreed, “We’re not just building infrastructure,” he said. “We’re building character, and a small gift shop.”

10/04/2025

Shovels glistened in the autumn sun this week as Phelps Health continued on its long-promised new Emergency Department. While officials touted the $60 million expansion as a “once-in-a-generation opportunity for the community,” insiders admitted the real benefit was the hospital’s expanded ability to generate invoices.

“This isn’t just about more beds and shorter wait times,” said a smiling Phelps Health executive while clutching a ceremonial billing ledger. “With 32 new treatment rooms, we’ll be able to bill in at least 32 new ways. Think of it as medical care… but with multipliers.”

The new department, slated to open in 2027, will feature private bereavement rooms, specialized trauma suites, and on-site imaging. But staff were quick to point out the practical upside. “Every CT scan room has been pre-wired for faster billing codes,” one administrator said. “We’re confident we can process charges before the patient even gets their shoes off.”

Meanwhile, community leaders noted the contrast between the highly public construction ceremony for the ED and the hospital’s more discreet negotiations over The Centre, Rolla’s struggling recreation complex.

“Just like with emergency care, our plan is to do everything behind closed doors,” explained a councilmember familiar with the talks. “If we’ve learned one thing, it’s that taxpayers love finding out after the fact that they’ve been volunteered to subsidize billing practices.”

According to multiple sources, Phelps Health hopes that by spring 2026 voters will be “stupided enough,” in the words of one anonymous city hall observer, to approve a park sales tax. The tax revenue would be funneled into “recreation partnerships,” a phrase insiders translate loosely as “line items on Phelps Health’s accounts receivable.”

When asked whether the new Emergency Department will reduce wait times, one board member responded: “Absolutely. We can bill people while they wait, so technically the revenue clock starts earlier. That’s efficiency.”

Asked about the facility’s larger bereavement spaces, another official said: “Grief is a process, but billing is forever. We now have the room to do both." He continued, "We've got a process where we can bill for the time in the grieving rooms and with our current quality of care we will be using those rooms A LOT!"

Even construction crews got in on the theme. “This is the only job site I’ve been on where the blueprints came with CPT codes,” said a subcontractor.

Hospital leaders promised that the project would “transform emergency care in south-central Missouri,” though specifics remained vague. What’s clear is that, once completed, the expanded ED will stand as both a medical landmark and a billing monument.

“Our guiding principle has always been patient care,” said one administrator, pausing for dramatic effect. “But billing care comes first.”

10/03/2025

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, a time when health officials urge women to get regular screenings and stay vigilant about early detection. But in Rolla, authorities say the message comes with an unusual warning: beware of a man named Greg.

Police report that Greg has been offering “free breast exams” out of what he calls his “mobile clinic,” though investigators confirm he has no medical training, certifications, or even basic credentials. “Some women grew suspicious when the exam began with Greg saying, ‘Let’s see them ti***es, B,’” said Sgt. Mary Kettler. “That’s not part of any clinical checklist we’ve ever seen.”

Greg’s setup reportedly includes a contraption he calls “The Mammo-2000” . Essentially it's a plastic storage bin with a car battery charger, duct tape, and an iPhone camera attached. “It looks less like a medical device and more like something you’d find in aisle seven at Lowe’s,” Kettler added.

Despite the obvious red flags, officials admit Greg accidentally spotted a real issue. “At one point he just stopped and said, ‘Oh, that don’t feel right,’ and sure enough the patient later received a confirmed early cancer diagnosis from an actual physician,” Kettler said. “We’re not calling him a doctor... he’s a complete pervert. It was one of those bizarre situations where he stumbled onto something legitimate.”

Law enforcement urges residents to seek screenings through proper medical providers during Breast Cancer Awareness Month. “Please don’t go to Greg,” said Kettler. “If your exam involves duct tape, a lawn chair, and someone drinking a Busch Light, it’s not medically sanctioned.”

10/02/2025

With no varsity opponent available for its Homecoming game, Rolla High School has announced it will face an unusual foe: inmates from the Phelps County Jail.

The Bulldogs were originally scheduled to host Springfield Central on Oct. 17, but Central canceled its varsity season earlier this year. A replacement matchup with Springfield Christian Lighthouse Academy also fell through after injuries left that program without enough players.

School officials initially announced that Homecoming would feature a parade, coronation and Powder Puff football. But after what administrators described as “community concerns about optics,” the student-run game was dropped from the schedule.

“Powder Puff was fun, but some board members felt it was just too much,” Superintendent Kyle Dare said Tuesday. “At that point we had to get creative.”

Creative meant calling across the street to Sheriff Michael Kirn, who offered to provide a full roster from the county lockup. Kirn, who has made “Hospitality First” the unofficial motto of his department, said the game would boost morale for both inmates and students.

“These guys need a chance to hit somebody that isn’t me,” Kirn said. “And frankly, our offensive line has been looking for a reason to get out of laundry duty.”

The matchup, scheduled for 7 p.m. at Lions Memorial Field, has drawn comparisons to the 1974 film “The Longest Yard,” in which prisoners take on guards in a football game. The Rolla version will feature court-ordered ankle monitors and a halftime contraband check.

The sheriff’s office confirmed that equipment and uniforms would not be an issue. With the help of local boosters and a sympathetic sporting-goods manager, inmates will be outfitted in maroon-and-grey gear that pairs surprisingly well with orange jumpsuits. “We’ve got enough time to get them in pads, run two weeks of practices in the rec yard, and make sure the cleats don’t interfere with the ankle monitors,” Sheriff Kirn said. “This is Rolla. If we can put on a carnival in two days, we can put on a football game with a jail.”

Several members of the inmate roster already boast organized football backgrounds. One former Camdenton linebacker was arrested for catalytic converter theft, while a onetime Poplar Bluff quarterback insists his third DUI arrest “has no impact on arm strength.” A wide receiver from Waynesville, currently awaiting trial for “unauthorized street racing,” has been described by coaches as “still having good hands.” Together, officials say, the squad has just enough legitimate talent and plenty of pent-up aggression to give the Bulldogs a real game under the lights.

Assistant coaches have not been announced, though one source close to the jail said a man nicknamed “Spider Mike” is expected to handle the defense.

Admission will be free, but officials encouraged fans to donate commissary ramen or ci******es to help offset costs.

Despite the unconventional opponent, administrators say the spirit of Homecoming remains intact. The parade will still take place Thursday evening, the queen will be crowned before kickoff Friday, and the dance is scheduled for Saturday.

“Homecoming is about tradition, school pride and community,” Dare said. “And if that tradition happens to include a wide receiver who has a high bond for catalytic converter theft, so be it.”

10/02/2025

Currently a one crane Hospital; Phelps Health strives to be a two crane facility soon.

🚧 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐭: 𝐏𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩𝐬 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Construction of our new Emergency Department is scheduled to begin in October 2025.

Please note these changes on our Main Campus:

• 10th and 11th Streets (near East Entrance lot) → One lane, October 6-December 5

• Asher Street (between 10th and 11th) → Closed, October 6-December 5

• East Entrance closed to patients/visitors starting October 13 → Use Main Entrance

• Staff entrance at East Entrance remains open

• Handicapped lot by East Entrance → Closed October 13–January 9

Thank you for your patience as we grow to better serve our community!

10/01/2025

The City of Rolla has proudly unveiled its brand-new website, which, according to officials, cost roughly what the average Rolla resident makes in a year or what you’d pay for a shiny new sedan at Kingdom Kia.

The site, “powered by Revize,” promises improved accessibility, mobile-friendliness, and high-tech backend features that nobody in town will ever notice. To the naked eye, however, it looks almost exactly like the previous version.

“Sure, it might look the same, but the dropdown menus load faster now,” said one councilmember, who admitted he hadn’t actually clicked on anything. “Besides, we had to spend the money on something or people might think we’re saving it for potholes.”

Local taxpayers aren’t as impressed. “For the price of that website, I could’ve had a brand-new truck in my driveway,” said Rolla resident Donnie “Bubba” Jones. “Instead, I get a city homepage that still tells me to turn on JavaScript. I don’t even know what that is.”

Officials defended the expense, comparing it to “an investment in the digital future.” When asked why the website still has the same tabs, the same colors, and the same confusing agenda links, City Hall staff replied: “It’s not about what you see; it’s about what we can brag about in staff reports.”

Meanwhile, city employees acknowledged the upgrade did include one tangible feature: a larger “How Do I?” button. “Now citizens can find out how to pay their parking ticket in three clicks instead of four,” said the IT director, adding that such efficiency is priceless ... though in this case, it definitely had a price tag.

Residents remain skeptical. “It feels like they just bought the same website twice,” said one. “If I did that at the Chevy lot, they’d put me on a billboard.”

09/30/2025

In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the Ozarks, anonymous sources tell TMz that NFL superstar Travis Kelce and global pop icon Taylor Swift have allegedly booked a very rustic yet Pinterest-worthy wedding venue somewhere in the woods outside Rolla.

The venue described only as a “quaint property with multiple barns, a glass pavilion, and just enough twinkle lights to blind an entire sorority” , is reportedly fully reserved for a weekend next fall.

“All I know is, every cabin, bungalow, and honeymoon cottage within a ten-mile radius is suddenly off the market that weekend,” said one local Airbnb host, with a print-out calendar and looking genuinely distressed.

Insiders say the couple has opted for a “low-key, country-chic experience” featuring hay-bale photo ops, Edison-bulb chandeliers, and a charming bridge over a creek that influencers will immediately turn into an Instagram pilgrimage site.

“It’s the only place in town where you can get married, spot a monarch butterfly, and also see a historically accurate blacksmith’s shop,” said a wedding planner who asked not to be named.

Rolla residents are already preparing for Swiftie tourism. The local Walmart is rumored to be increasing its stock of glitter, friendship bracelet kits, and Chiefs-red flannel shirts. The Rolla City Council is reportedly debating a temporary name change to “Traylor, Missouri” to capitalize on the event.

Kelce himself has remained tight-lipped, though a suspiciously large order of Busch Light, smoked brisket, and 200 folding chairs was reportedly pre-ordered to be delivered to a wooded property off State Route E earlier this month.

“We can’t confirm anything,” said a local official. “But we did just approve a noise permit for something called ‘Champagne Problems... But Happy This Time.’ Draw your own conclusions.”

As of press time, paparazzi were seen circling the property, while Rolla’s hotel rooms for that weekend are already showing $600 a night with a two-night minimum.