Phelps County News

06/21/2025

After another year of record-breaking classroom chaos and hallway hostility, Rolla Public Schools has wrapped up what district officials are calling a “proactive safety initiative”: a full week of mixed martial arts training for teachers.

“This is not the professional development I expected,” said one veteran teacher, “but after being bitten twice and shoved into a filing cabinet last year, I’ll take anything.”

The training featured Gracie Jiu-Jitsu fundamentals, takedown defense, and crowd control techniques that were described in the syllabus as “non-lethal but persuasive.” The week concluded with a surprise Zoom pep talk from UFC president Dana White, who reportedly told teachers to “stay dangerous.”

“This is about giving staff tools to protect themselves,” said Superintendent Dr. Kyle Dare, who called the training “long overdue.” “We have a duty to ensure teachers go home without bruised ribs and dental bills.”

Violence in Rolla schools has become a recurring concern. 2022-2023 year saw 280 incidents of student-on-student or student-on-staff assault. The 2023-2024 the count was already at 211 by April, prompting widespread concern from teachers, parents, and even students who “just want Algebra without blood.”

Newly elected school board member Larry Marti said the violence was the reason he ran—and why he believes he won in a rare upset.

“You’re not supposed to beat incumbents here,” Marti said. “But people are tired of seeing teachers body-checked into dry erase boards and the district just shrugging. If the choice is between a reading intervention and a rear naked choke, I guess we’re going with what works.”

Not all board members supported the plan.

Board President Jim Packard voiced concerns—but not too loudly. “I just think we should, you know, maybe be careful about… saying things,” he mumbled, adjusting his cardigan. “We’re supposed to speak with one voice. Preferably a quiet one. Or maybe just send an email.” Packard then reportedly asked if the teachers could maybe “just try not getting hit so much."

Board member Sue Eudaly, a former teacher and perennial civic figure, offered a more measured response. “Look, I’ve seen a lot over the years—curriculum wars, budget fights, and a raccoon stuck in the HVAC. If the staff wants to learn how to grapple, fine. If they want to knit stress balls, also fine. I’m not here to judge—I’m here to survive the meeting and maybe get home before the news.”

Michele Broxton, founder of Bulldog Safe, the community group that first raised alarms about school violence, had mixed feelings about the outcome.

“When I started Bulldog Safe, I wanted the board to listen,” Broxton said. “Last year, they just sat there while teachers talked about being punched, scratched, and spit on. Now we have MMA drills in the library. It’s not what I envisioned—but I’ll take movement over silence.”

Some teachers reportedly came out of training excited, comparing strategies, watching reruns of Ronda Rousey fights, and naming their classrooms after Conor McGregor’s walkout tracks. Others just quietly iced their knees.

The district has confirmed that additional trainings will be scheduled monthly. While there are no immediate plans to arm cafeteria workers with nunchucks, nothing has been ruled out.

06/19/2025

In a surprising shift from their decades-long tradition of building research facilities few students ever enter, Missouri University of Science and Technology announced plans this week to focus on expanding enrollment by introducing exciting new programs in gender studies, massage therapy, medical billing and coding, and possibly something with crystals.

The new programs will be housed in Bieniek Hall, a strikingly modern and questionably necessary structure named after longtime physics professor Dr. Ronald Bieniek, whose legacy includes a long trail of confused undergrads and increased demand for anti-anxiety medication. University officials insist the naming honors his “contributions to theoretical confusion and complex chalkboard hieroglyphs.”

Chancellor Mohammad Dehghani called the expansion “a bold new chapter for Missouri S&T,” emphasizing that “by adding programs people have actually heard of, we expect enrollment to skyrocket — and so will our revenue streams.”

In order to accommodate the physical space needed for Bieniek Hall, the university plans to invoke eminent domain over a small section of Rolla, including several homes, a v**e shop, and part of a Little Caesars parking lot.

City Councilman and university professor Andrew Behrendt, who has long faced accusations of being a university plant, praised the move. “Look, people said I was just here to help the school take over the town. And they were right. Let’s not pretend we didn’t always want the whole city to just be a campus extension with slightly more roundabouts.”

Behrendt added that the partnership with the local Arby’s, which closes nightly at 10 PM, would provide flexible new classroom space. “We’ll hold massage therapy courses from 10 PM to 1 AM. The meat slicer can double as a massage table. Innovation is everywhere.”

According to Dr. Greg Edwards, Senior Strategic Communications Consultant, the new programs could bring in “thousands of new resident students, or at least four or five dozen, depending on how people feel about taking classes at an Arby’s.”

Reaction from city leaders has been mixed. Mayor Lou Magdits, who is nearing the end of his term, said, “At this point, I just hope we don’t all get annexed by the campus and end up paying tuition.”

Construction on Bieniek Hall is set to begin immediately, pending demolition of a beloved neighborhood swing set and one particularly sentimental old Dairy Queen trash can.

06/17/2025

Faced with a projected $573,000 operating loss for fiscal year 2025, city officials in Rolla are considering a dramatic transformation of The Centre, the city’s long-struggling health and recreation complex: converting it into a hotel and casino.

The proposal, introduced during Monday night’s city council meeting by Parks and Recreation Director Floyd Jernigan and outgoing City Administrator John Butz, would involve forming a partnership with a Native American tribe to operate the facility under the new name “Centre of Fortune: Ozark Oasis Hotel and Casino.”

“The numbers don’t lie,” Jernigan told the council. “We’ve tried memberships, we’ve tried medical certifications, and we’ve tried water aerobics. None of it’s closing the gap. It’s time to get creative. And by creative, I mean craps tables.”

Butz, who is retiring later this year after decades with the city, said the proposal reflects the financial reality Rolla has faced since the Centre opened in 2002. “We’ve subsidized this facility every single year,” he said. “We’ve drawn from the general fund, depreciation reserves, federal rescue dollars — everything short of a bake sale. If blackjack and buffet lines can solve this, I say let’s give it a spin.”

Council members offered a range of reactions, from cautious support to open skepticism.

Councilman August Rolufs, owner of a space-themed taco truck, said the plan aligns with both the Centre’s financial needs and Rolla’s evolving brand. “Honestly, I’ve always thought the Centre had extraterrestrial potential,” Rolufs said. “Throw a neon UFO on the roof, add a buffet called ‘Area 51 Shrimp Bar,’ and we’re breaking even by summer.”

Councilman Aaron Pace, a plumber by trade, expressed support for anything that could fund overdue maintenance. “I’ve snaked more drains in that building than I can count,” he said. “Last week I patched a pipe near the pool with a prayer and a zip tie. If poker night can pay for plumbing, I’m all in.”

Not everyone on the council was enthusiastic. Councilman Andrew Behrendt, a history professor at Missouri S&T, voiced concern about shifting a community resource into the private gaming sector. “This facility was originally envisioned as a public good, not a miniature Caesar’s Palace,” Behrendt said. “Then again, in late antiquity, the Roman Empire used subsidized bathhouses and circuses to pacify unrest. So there’s precedent.”

Councilwoman Tina Balch, who has previously raised concerns about fluoridated water and government surveillance, questioned the broader implications. “People think this is just about gambling, but I’ve read studies that suggest slot machines emit low-frequency radiation,” she said. “We’re going to turn a family pool into a control grid.”

Dr. Bill Moorkamp, who led the “Recreation for Everyone” campaign that brought The Centre to life over two decades ago, also spoke during public comment. “When I told voters it would be 100% cost-recovered, I was speaking in more of a spiritual sense,” he said, drawing scattered laughter from the audience. “The truth is, every study we looked at — and every facility we toured — told us that wasn’t realistic. But if we’d admitted it would need constant subsidies, the project never would’ve passed. So we told people what they needed to hear.” Moorkamp paused, then added, “In a way, it has paid off — just not in money.”

The council did not take formal action Monday night but agreed to explore legal pathways to form a tribal partnership and amend zoning restrictions. A special session is expected to be scheduled later this month to review feasibility studies and preliminary architectural concepts.

Residents will be invited to submit feedback, though as Butz remarked before adjourning, “Let’s be honest. At this point, we’re gambling either way.”

06/16/2025

Roughly 300 protesters gathered Saturday outside the former Kmart in Rolla to voice collective discontent under the banner of “No Kings 2025,” though few in attendance seemed to agree on what, exactly, they were opposing.

The demonstration—loosely timed around the city’s tongue-in-cheek bid to host a new stadium for the Kansas City Chiefs—was originally billed online as a rally “against fascism, monarchy, and gridiron-based oppression.” But interviews on the ground revealed a wildly incoherent tapestry of grievances.

“I’m here because... we’re against fascism,” said local resident Kendra Dobbs, 27, while sipping a venti cold brew and wearing a cropped Che Guevara tee. “And, um, the orange man is bad,” she added, as if reciting something she once heard in a podcast intro. When asked if she was referring to President Trump, she hesitated. “Honestly, could be Trump. Could be Chester Cheetah. I don’t like either.”

Nearby, Dennis Parmer, 41, gripped a hand-painted sign that read: “BONELESS WINGS ARE LIES.”
“This isn’t about government. This is about food justice,” he proclaimed. “Boneless wings are just glorified chicken nuggets. It’s false advertising, plain and simple. If we can’t trust menus, how can we trust democracy?”

Another protestor, identifying himself only as “Collin from the Forum,” held a sign that simply read “Immigration.” When asked to clarify, he paused and furrowed his brow. “Wait, am I for it or against it? I actually think immigration’s good?” he concluded. “Someone said this was a freedom march. I brought snacks.”

Former city council member Megan Johnson also made an appearance, clutching a gallon of Ozarka water while railing against municipal fluoridation. “They’re putting mind-control chemicals in our water supply,” she said, pointing accusingly at a nearby child drinking a Capri Sun. “First it’s fluoride, then it’s speed bumps and mask mandates. That’s how they get you.” Johnson then handed reporters a homemade flyer advertising her new podcast, Truth Over Tap.

Tensions briefly flared when one protestor launched into an aggressively anti-Semitic tirade, decrying Trump’s support for “the Jews.” Before he could finish, local perennial congressional candidate Randi McCallian swooped in to correct him. “It’s Israel, please. We say Israel now. Optics, people!” she snapped, flipping through a laminated sensitivity guide titled Woke But Make It Trendy. McCallian, who has twice run unsuccessfully against Rep. Jason Smith—losing both races with less than 22% of the vote—then handed out free bumper stickers reading No to Monarchs, Yes to Midterms.

Adding another surreal layer to the afternoon was local poli-sci major Trevor Fielding, who wore a “No Kings, Just Vibes” shirt while leading chants near the garden center entrance. “We’re fighting against unelected elites,” he explained. When a reporter pointed out that his party bypassed the primary process and selected Kamala Harris as the presidential nominee despite her receiving zero votes, Fielding blinked. “Yeah, but that’s totally different. She’s not a king. She’s a queen.” He then led a round of “Slay, Kamala, Slay,” which received scattered applause and one protestor accidentally shouting “Yas King” before being gently corrected and handed a glossary of acceptable slogans.

The protest had reportedly been intended to escalate into a full-blown riot, but momentum stalled when organizers realized there was nothing desirable to loot at Hobby Lobby. “Nobody wants a wicker cross and half-priced fake sunflowers,” sighed one man wearing tactical cargo shorts.

At one point, chaos briefly erupted when a man in motorcycle gear—known only as “Helmet Jim”—began yelling that the protest was a setup to catch people with expired plates. Simultaneously, a woman nearby appeared to be leading a chant but was actually reading the Starbucks summer menu out loud. A large protest cow wandered through the crowd, causing many to shift their focus to whether it was a symbol of agricultural oppression or just a cow that got loose from a birthday party petting zoo. A woman mistook the entire event for a Pilates class and tried to lead a breathing circle.

Local police observed the protest from the Lions Club parking lot. No arrests were made, though one man was cited for attempting to set fire to a yarn display with a scented candle labeled “Colonial Williamsburg.”

City Administrator John Butz, who is retiring in a matter of weeks, offered little reaction. “Whatever. I’m almost out of here,” he said, sipping something from a gas station thermos. Mayor Lou Magdits was similarly unmoved. “Let them yell. We still have the lion statue. They’ll never take that.”

As of press time, no unified demands had emerged from the event—though there was scattered support for abolishing brunch hierarchies, regulating meat labeling, and somehow impeaching both Prince William and Travis Kelce.

06/14/2025

In a move that stunned both city residents and anyone with basic knowledge of geography, the City of Rolla has submitted a full-scale proposal to host the new Kansas City Chiefs stadium, offering what city officials are calling “a visionary leap into NFL greatness.”

The 547-page proposal, printed entirely on recycled Denny's menus, outlines plans for a state-of-the-art, fully domed stadium in downtown Rolla—complete with luxury suites, subterranean tailgating caverns, and “the largest gas station chicken buffet this side of I-44.”

“We’re excited about this next chapter,” said City Administrator John Butz, who also clarified, “but to be honest, I’m outta here in like three weeks. So whether it’s a stadium or a crater, someone else can handle it.”

Mayor Lou Magdits offered his support as well, speaking from a recliner in his office with a Diet Coke in hand. “Listen, I’ve got like 10 months left in this job. Place could burn down or turn into a football mecca—I’ve already stopped forwarding my mail here,” he said, before adding, “Go Chiefs.”

City Council members are divided, mostly by self-interest. Councilperson August Rolufs said he’s “100% in favor of the stadium” and has already filed paperwork to rezone his front yard into a taco cart. “Imagine it: Rolufs' Alien Tacos on Arrowhead Way.”

Councilperson Aaron Pace has taken a more practical stance. “Let’s be honest—this stadium is going to need bathrooms. Lots of bathrooms. And I happen to know a guy who does top-shelf plumbing at slightly above market rates. Spoiler: it’s me.”

Councilperson David Shelby was less focused on civic gain. “I just want discounted season tickets,” Shelby admitted.

Meanwhile, former councilperson Megan Johnson voiced strong opposition. “I didn’t fight the fluoride battle for a decade just to have a fluoridated stadium shoved down our throats. That water fountain is a betrayal,” she fumed while passing out handwritten anti-fluoride manifestos on Pine Street.

Despite the mounting absurdity, the proposal has found a surprising ally in State Representative Tara Peters, who promised to “bring home the hot bacon” to fund Rolla’s NFL dreams.

“Hot bacon is a metaphor,” she clarified. “Or maybe it’s literal. Either way, Rolla’s getting something porky and overpriced.”

The stadium renderings, which show a sleek red-and-white dome superimposed over the old Kmart parking lot, have generated buzz—mostly confusion—online.

NFL spokesperson Jordan Mahoney issued a short statement: “We… received Rolla’s proposal. We’re currently looking for Missouri on a map.”

Construction is expected to begin “as soon as we convince the Phelps County Commission that football is more important than roads,” said one city planner, who spoke under condition of anonymity while sketching end zones onto a city zoning map.

When asked how residents felt, local man Hank Burleson summed it up: “If they bring Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift to Tater Patch for one night, I’ll vote for whatever this is.”

06/13/2025

06/11/2025

Great place to have fun. Won’t break the bank.

This just in… we have one spot open in the afternoon for our annual Grellner Tournament. Call the clubhouse to secure your spot! ⛳️

05/28/2025

Thank you to our Rolla Animal Control !

Now ... Can the City Council and Mayor develop solutions to solve this problem before it gets any worse ?!????

05/20/2025

Rolla, Mo. — The Rolla City Council voted 10-1 Monday night to indefinitely postpone further discussion on removing fluoride from the city’s water supply, effectively ending months of public debate and ensuring fluoridation will continue.

The motion to table the matter was introduced by Councilman Bill Hahn of Ward 4 immediately after a summary of public comments was presented by City Administrator John Butz. Councilman Andrew Behrendt of Ward 2 seconded the motion, which passed overwhelmingly with little debate.

“The feedback we received was overwhelming in support of continuing fluoridation,” said Butz. “Roughly 95% of the 164 emails sent to the city expressed support for keeping fluoride in the water.” He noted that around three-quarters of the messages came from residents of Rolla.

The fluoride issue dates back to a January vote in which the Council narrowly agreed, 6-5, to notify the public of its intent to remove fluoride and begin a required 90-day public comment period. However, following April's municipal elections, only three of the six council members who supported that vote remained: Mattias Penner (Ward 1), Nathan Chirban (Ward 2), and Tina Balch (Ward 6). Chirban was absent from Monday’s meeting.

The issue to remove water was spearheaded by former Council person Megan Johnson, who invited officials from a group called "The Flouride Action Network" to push back against local dentists and others with the American Dental Association who support the low level flouride. Johnson lost her election last month to a mostly unknown newcomer who allied himself with the position of the local dentists.

Ward 6 Councilman Mike Dickens noted that he and Balch received a petition signed by 124 constituents urging them to support fluoridation.

Balch, the lone dissenting vote, expressed disappointment at the process. “I was hoping to see more engagement from those who questioned fluoridation,” she said. “The lack of input from that side is disappointing, and I think the conversation deserved more balance.”

The Council had three options on the table: continue deliberation with further hearings, request an ordinance to remove fluoride, or take no further action. By choosing the latter, the Council effectively removed the item from its agenda indefinitely.

The outcome was anticipated by many observers. A majority of council members had either voted against removal in January or voiced support for fluoridation during the campaign season. The key uncertainties were how newcomers Penner and David Shelby (Ward 5) would vote. On Monday, both supported Hahn’s motion.

With the issue now tabled, fluoride will remain in Rolla’s drinking water — a result welcomed by public health advocates and many residents.

04/29/2025

On April 8th the voters of Rolla removed both anti-flouride councilpersons; Ward 2 Rep Megan Johnson and Ward 6 Rep Victoria Steen with candidates the supported continuation of Fluoride in the Rolla Water system .

04/26/2025

Pretend your downtown/commerical district is a restaurant. If business is slow, you’ve got a few options, you can improve the food, step up the service, or freshen up the ambiance. Of course you can crank up your marketing, but no amount of Instagram hype will save a place that serves cold soup in styrofoam bowls. At the end of the day, the experience of dining is what matters.

Now what doesn’t make any sense is thinking that same restaurant would do better if they added more seating. That’s what towns are doing when they think the solution to a sluggish commercial district is more parking. It’s asinine. The problem isn’t that people can’t park. It’s that once they do, there’s nothing drawing them in. You can have all the parking in the world but it doesn’t matter if there is nothing worth visiting.

On the other hand, when business is booming, when the food is killer, the vibe is right, and the staff understands great service, people will line up. They’ll wait for hours. They’ll make reservations weeks out. They’ll deal with the inconvenience because the experience is worth it.

Same goes for your town. People aren’t coming for the asphalt. They’re coming for what you’re serving: the shops, the sidewalks, the hanging baskets, the street life. If you want your downtown to thrive, stop obsessing over the number of parking spaces and start focusing on the quality of the experience. Fix the food, not the tables.

01/23/2025

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