06/12/2024
One week into hysterectomy recovery & it’s been disorienting & unsurprisingly uncomfortable. I keep wondering what it’s like for a body to literally adjust around missing pieces & open space where there wasn’t any. Sometimes I feel like I can feel everything reconfiguring inside like anatomical Jenga, but that may just be my imagination. ☺️ I’ve been teary the past two days from what has been suggested is the aftermath of a pretty vulnerable procedure, that’s also bringing up more feelings of loss & grief, which seems to be the theme of this season for me. (Yay? Ugh?) I’m also really REALLY tired, & as a person whose sleep has been erratic for far too long, a lot of sleep feels disorienting. I never remember my dreams but today I woke up from another accidental long nap & a dream that I lived in this dope cabin in gorgeous woods with people I loved & no need to go back to work, & I was so sad when I realized it wasn’t real. And I’m not even on heavy medication! Maybe this is what rest feels like?
I’m genuinely so grateful that I got this done & for access to quality care after feeling at war for so long with a body & state of mind that I didn’t like or understand. (I had endometriosis & didn’t know it until my doctor found it during surgery & she was like okay, that o***y needs to come out too! So much more makes sense now that hasn’t for so long.)
I’m mostly hugely grateful for family & friends who are caring for me, and reminding me that I had major surgery & have no reason to be productive because I’m simply not equipped for that nonsense at this time. I don’t really believe them because I am truly brainwashed by capitalism, but I’m trying to cut down on that too, & I know they’re right. I’m reading a lot. It’s a major luxury to just read. Also to hobble around & sit in the sun with my geriatric dog who is so confused about why I’ve gone nowhere for a week.
I’ll be most glad when I feel more like myself again, now with less uterus.
