Dotson5 Journal

08/27/2024

This morning, my little friends, my program, my mud kitchen, my outdoor classroom, our "beyond" space, walking barefoot in the grass, relaxing under the shade of the huge trees in our backyard.......mornings like today after a long hot summer were my absolute favorite in my Child Care program.
I am working on 3 different projects and during the night, it came to me how 1 piece of evidence could benefit all 3 completely different situations. So today, I am creating the photo books that were on my heart YEARS ago to add to my child care environment---and I never did. IF ONLY, I had the resource of my computer with all the amazing photos. However, I have created quite the collection from Facebook, text messages, FB messenger, presentations I had created.
Today I am creating from the heart.....so speaking from the heart......a child's brain does the most developing in the first five years of life. By providing hands-on learning environments, where the children are allowed to explore, discover and wonder about the world around them, we are helping with that healthy brain development. My program used authentic, real "adult" items for the children to use as they wanted. I had started eliminating "plastic", "battery-operated", "closed-end", colorful TOYS in 2014. I had eliminated teacher-directed, cookie-cutter art activities and worksheets even before that.
I wish time and life had allowed me to continue to create this magical oasis for the children to learn and grow. I truly miss observing them discovering new abilities and wonders of the nature around around them. But until then, I have my memories and the desire to guide other adults to see this magic.

08/10/2024

18 months ago today……..there are so many thoughts I have to share, but I am keeping most of them in my heart.

I never would have imagined that 18 months later, I am still dealing with insurance companies, lawyers, subrogation teams…..but I have also learned that many survivors are fighting extreme insurance battles—so I feel lucky. I am beyond thankful my insurance agent is on my team, along with good friends in the insurance industry.

2 weeks ago, I was working in Burke, SD. When I was done, I drove 45 minutes (or over an hour if you don’t pay attention and take the wrong road) to see Amy. When I got there, she asked if I wanted to go for a drive — took me back to our high school days of driving the backroads. I got to see the twins, meet Miss Ayda, put up with Robert’s smart ass…..and just relax. That night around the fire, Amy and I discussed life…..there was no judgements, no how-to-fix-it suggestions, we just shared our thoughts and feelings.

The next afternoon on my way home, I decided it was time to finish the audible I started 15 months ago. But everytime I start listening, I have to relisten to large sections, stop and think about sections, stop because I realize I am crying as it hits home….. I started this book when I was driving west of Hermosa for therapy May 2023.

This book is about the roadmap of life. Each mile marker is the year we are in age. Mel was talking about the “bridges” of life. When you cross a bridge you have never driven across - you leave the familiar for the unknown…and all the feelings that we have on that bridge — fear, uncertainty, excitement, what is on the other side? At that point, I was crossing the Cheyenne River bridge by Wasta—-cue ALL the tears.

I don’t know where I will be in the next 18 months, but I am trying my hardest to hang on for the ride. I have incredible people supporting me, cheering me on—-yet ready to sit with me if I need a moment to just remember and reflect.

The tears had all but stopped until the past few days. I am having a very emotional time right now for a number of reasons. But as I cross another mile marker, as I see the outline of something exciting in the future, I am going to keep cruising down this road of life.

05/18/2024

In the past 463 days, I have learned more about life than I could ever have dreamt. The biggest thing I learned - and am the most proud of - I learned how freaking strong I am, and that I am a fighter. (No—-it is not my stubborn streak from being close to 100% German - but that may play a major factor in it.
In the past 463 days, I have lived through 3 major explosions—the 4th was a ball of fire explosion. I watched my house burn for an hour until I was taken to the hospital by the Sheriff. I sat for 3 days in the hospital praying for full recovery of my boys. I fought to help my family heal from
All their wounds and to stay healthy. I combed through the rubble and ash of my life. I picked up the ashes of my 2 furbabies. I was involved in a tragedy that involved 6 insurance companies that I am aware of. I got super close to my insurance agent and my insurance agent friends. I learned more insurance jargon than I could have imagined. I dealt with 2 different sets of lawyers representing insurance companies (1 the driver’s insurance, the other the lawyers representing my car……🙄). I dealt with so many insurance people - I lost count. I also lost count on suborgation teams—-if there is no interaction within like 21 days—I learned they “close” your case and it is passed off to another team. I have purchased 3 different cars in a couple weeks. I have purchased 2 sets of appliances—1 stayed with the first home. I have purchased a house full of furniture and decor. I have looked at close to 40 houses. I was under contract on 2 new builds. I was VERY active in the build of 1 house and somewhat active in the build of the other. I went through 2 final walk throughs. I went through 1 home purchase cancellation. I closed on 1 home. I completely decorated and landscaped 1 home in my mind. The 2nd home has been a fly by the seat of your pants. I moved my oldest son to Idaho. I have learned that all the surviving remains of my business and home were stolen. I have grieved, I have mourned, I have broken down, I have cried, I have had immense PTSD, I have had anger, …….but every single time…….i have stood back up. Taken a deep breath, said a prayer…..and I kept fighting.

I have cried GALLONS of tears, but I have also laughed a lot. I have said “I love you” a zillion times. I have hugged a zillion times. I have seen love, compassion, and kindness from so many.

I have learned that I am a survivor, my boys are survivors, I am a fighter, my boys are fighters. I am not giving up. I will hold my head up and continue to fight and get stronger. We may continue to get kicked back down as we are standing up—-but we keep getting back up.

I know what being a warrior is, what strength is, what love is. I have a completely new appreciation for life.

05/11/2024

After the fire, we had no place for my mud kitchen, outdoor daycare items, brand new community playthings blocks, items recovered from the fire……we put them on the land that we own with 2 other people. ALL of our stuff was stolen in the past 3 days. Does anyone near Degeest have video cameras?? See anything?????

05/10/2024

15 months ago, this moment, on a Friday morning…..I was sitting in the family waiting room at the ER. I remember so clearly - staring out the window and thinking …. What the h*ll do we do now? The last I had seen my house, it was engulfed in a ball of fire for at least 45 minutes when the Sheriff took me to the hospital to be with the boys.

This morning, I woke up at 4 something….realized I was safe and went back to sleep. I eventually woke up, took the pups on a walk—listening to all the birds, watching the sun rise over the valley….the pups and I sat on the deck for a time of gratitude and reflection like we do most mornings. We heard fire trucks and an ambulance on the road. Timber perked up looked around……it will always be there…..the pause and gasping for air, like what’s next, are we ok?

We have come a long ways in 15 months. I see how each one of us has changed, praying the changes continue for the positive.

Monday, I had a Dr. appt. She asked me a bunch of questions and I answered, truthfully and completely. At the end, she sat back and got this smile/smirk on her face. I said is this where you chew my butt for not following your directions. She said no…..this is where I tell you, you are healing. Your body is healing. You are not the same person you were a year ago. You are stronger. I walked out to the car and cried.

I look back on the Copperfield house that was a complete disaster. That was a necessary road bump in this thing called life. We had drove by where we are living now and Mike said no way will I live here…..and here we are. We walked away from Copperfield on Thursday and found this house on Sunday. This truly is our rebound house. We will make it beautiful for another family to love. We started dreaming about our next house….but dang it — this house has ruined us as to what we want in a garage….and tall ceilings…..and large windows…..and incredible views….

Funny how life takes us in directions, we would never ever dream if it was left to our own accord. I was asked to join a friend on a big project — it has truly brought life, spark and passion back into my life. I am beyond grateful for this opportunity. Curious where I will end up.

15 months have gone by….and we are truly doing ok. Life does not look like anything we had dreamed of, but I see a couple things that are better and we would not have ever gone down this path.

05/04/2024

Tonight, Mike and I were driving home from running an errand. We got into a deep conversation about trauma, PTSD, tragedy…..

People ask how we are doing - we truly are doing ok. I recently shared an Instagram about trauma……I want people to know, that if they have experienced trauma and PTSD, are having a sad day, are struggling with life—-I am only a phone call away. I will listen, I will try to understand, I will sit in the messy with you….. If you need to cry, guaranteed, I can cry with you. If you need to be alone, I fully can respect that, but if you need someone to listen, or just to sit quietly with you…..I am here.

16 months ago, I would not have understood——unfortunately today, I do. Recently, I was talking to a friend. We were discussing trauma and how our brains suppress it because it is too much. I get that. I was telling someone our story and they looked at me like I was lying……then I truly thought I was making it all up. Then a journal entry popped up with all the details……every single detail truly happened, plus some that I don’t share very often.

People came to fix our fireplace today. Timber started crying, pacing, nudging me to leave, crying louder……it was awful…..he was so triggered and scared…by the fire in the fireplace…..after the gentlemen left, I hugged Timber, kissed him, let him know we were ok…… then I cried. So not fair that Timber has to experience this. I looked up at the painting of Aspen, Tuff and Timber and the reality of our trauma came flooding back.

Every day we wake up, is another day of learning to live with our reality. I am beyond thankful for our support system. I don’t want anyone to think they need to hide or be ashamed of their trauma or PTSD or nightmares or fears or …..

Tonight’s sunset was soooooo pretty……just another reminder that we are going to be ok. Our journey is not over, we just are learning to accept this sudden 180 degree turn in life……we are getting stronger.

04/23/2024

Early after the fire, my friend told me when people asked how I was, to answer upright and not crying. Hehehe - the not crying was correct most of the time.

I quickly learned to mask my true feelings—-people can not start to understand what we went through. But lately, I have had several people ask me how we are….not just how we are…..but they wanted a true heartfelt response and wouldn’t leave until I gave it. Thank you for letting me be heard and seen.

We are in our new house, but the house did not solve our grief, our sadness, our pain. Imagine moving into a brand new house, with brand new furniture, brand new clothing — EVERYTHING is brand new and nothing- NOTHING - feels like ours. I wish I could have the solid oak corner stand my dad took so much time building……or the wooden rocker in our bedroom that was Mike’s great-grandma’s…….or the very first piece of furniture Mike and I bought as a married couple…….or the picture frame I purchased when we were in northern Minnesota when we vacationed with the boys……or the jewelry box my grandpa gave me before he passed away……or…..

We are beyond grateful for our house. We are beyond grateful for life, but……deep down inside, we feel like strangers in our own house—our own lives.

They walk among you every day.

The silent grievers.

It’s easy to miss them for they’ve learned how to mask their true pain.

You may think you are supporting them when you ask “How are you doing?”

But mostly they tell you what you want to hear:
“I’m doing ok.”
“Hanging in there.”
“I’m taking it one day at a time.”

But if they had permission to be honest they’d probably tell you truth:
“Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe under the weight of all this grief.”
“I don’t understand how the world can just keep moving on.”
“I feel completely alone.”

You nod your head in sympathy and say “Let me know if you need anything.”

And again they tell you what you want to hear:
“Ok. Thanks.”
“That’s so kind. Thank you.”
“I will.”

But if they had permission to be honest they’d probably tell you truth:
“I promise you I won’t let you know if I need anything.”
“It’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know what I need. I don’t have the energy to reach out. So, I won’t.
“There’s no way I will. I don’t want to seem weak.”

Maybe you give them a hug and you whisper “I wish I could make it better for you” before you walk away.

And they smile and whisper back what you want to hear:
“Thank you.”
“That means a lot.”
“I appreciate you.”

But if they had permission to be honest they’d probably tell you truth:
“No one can make it better but you could sit with me in my messy grief for a while longer.”
“I don’t want someone to make it better. I want someone to let me talk about how much it really hurts.”
“Then please reach out more. Talk about my loved one. Support me even when I can’t ask for it.”

And later that night you think about them as you capture a quiet still moment in your evening and your heart aches because you know they are struggling.

You hope they know how much you truly care about them.

You pick up your phone and think about reaching out to them.

But then you doubt yourself.

You don’t want to make them feel worse.
You don’t want to remind them of their pain if they are having a good night.
You don’t really know what to say.

And so you put down your phone and trust that they will reach out to you if they need you.

But they probably won’t.

Because we don’t give them enough permission to be real with their grief.

And so they continue to walk among us.

Grieving.

In silence.

04/01/2024

My love language is feeding my family good food. I know I got that from my Grandma Evelyn and my other “grandma”, Aunt Lorraine.

Months before the fire, I found a recipe from Someone’s In The Kitchen for Mocha Mousse with Bourbon Whipped Cream. I was making it for Valentine’s Day 2023! I bought parfait cups to put the dessert in. The day of the fire, the parfait cups were still in the box - brand new, never opened.

Today, I pulled out the new parfait cups and made a version of a couple desserts which included Vanilla Bean Custard with homemade whipped cream over pound cake.

A friend asked me in church this morning how my week was. It is crazy how everything can be going so good, then the craziest thing will drop me to tears.

We had our first Easter in our new home. All was good until Mike started the fireplace. It had been on for awhile, when we started noticing a “hot” smell. Next thing we know—-ALL the smoke detectors are blaring. We turned off the fireplace, opened the windows and the smoke detectors stopped. No clue what caused it, but guess we will be calling the builder. Poor Timber……he was shaking so bad …. And the look on his face. Guess we will all deal with trauma for a long time.

02/23/2024

The summer of 2021, we took an incredible vacation with our friends on a tour of southern/southwestern Colorado. We had 2 senior boys with us and decided to splurge on an epic side by side ride.

As I was scrolling my phone, I found this photo of the road up to the trail. Mind you — we were sharing this road with big trucks on their way up and back from the mines.

This road—-then the trail we took kinda reminds us of our life the past year. We spent a lot of time in a deep valley, then hanging onto a cliff as we climbed out…….but we are being met with the most amazing views as reach the summit of the mountain.

This past year, we experienced things people don’t truly understand unless you have experienced it yourself. Looking at what is left of the foundation of your house - and everything you have worked for, loved……is reduced to a pile of ash and rubble. Our entire life was taken to the landfill in 6 or 7 dumpsters…….i can not even start to describe that feeling.

I learned every single person deals with grief and sadness in their own way — there is no right or wrong way…..there is no timeline (though outsiders looking in just want you to move on—-they aren’t willing to sit with the pain, the hurt, the messiness of life). I learned about mental issues in a very personal way. We are lucky, we are able to see the end of the tunnel — many others are not that fortunate. However, we aren’t cured…..we are learning to live with triggers, trauma, nightmares, ptsd, grief, hurt.

I am still praying for our mountaintop experience. Even though we suffered an enormous loss——life around us has kept going. We are starting to navigate stepping back into that life…..but we are completely changed. We now look at life through different lens …. Different perspective.

But for today, I am going to look back on one of our mountaintop experiences. To be on top of a 13er——is indescribable. I hope someday to hike/climb a 14er, but until that day…..

02/18/2024

Tonight. We were finally all going to be around for our Valentine’s Day meal. Our friends gave us a great head start on candles last year. I was able to replace some of my favorite candles from the Degeest house and added MANY more.

However, as I started making the meal, I quickly learned all the small items I am missing. I had to make a trip to Someone’s in the Kitchen for stuff for our dessert. This lady walked past me — I stopped her and said….i am going to be bold, but are you….. she didn’t let me finish and said yes—how are you? The stranger who approached me back in March with information that may have saved me. I told her thank you—we hugged, we cried… the kindness of a stranger that started me on my grief recovery journey.

I had some sad moments today working through the meal prep, but this is a new start in our second chapter. Sitting here after the meal, watching the flames flicker, listening to the conversation…..my heart is full. I saw pictures from last year’s meal…..we were burned, hurt, devastated and so lost. This year, I see healing, growth, love, and new beginnings.

02/08/2024

This photo was taken February 7, 2023 at 6:43am. Who would have ever dreamt that 69 hours and 26 minutes later - this would be all gone…….

02/06/2024

Life is fragile.

A month before our fire, a dear friend of mine had surgery. She found out that she had a rare, aggressive form of cancer. Then our house exploded. My friend and I still tried catching up as much as we could considering how our lives had both changed drastically. I remember a conversation we had when she said….if you don’t hear from me, I am probably very, very sick….or no longer here. The thought of losing her along with all of our personal loss was too much.

My friend was the best encourager, mentor, leader, visionary, passionate, full of life, organized, creative person I knew. She pushed me out of my comfort zone. After the fire, I was talking about job and career ideas. She asked me what was holding me back - I said fear of failing. She said…..but what if you fly????

As the days went by, our conversations grew quieter. Her body was getting weaker from the chemo and radiation but she still kept fighting. In August, she sent me her scans……I just cried……so not fair. She is the most amazing, loving, giving, caring servant heart person out there.

I got the text a week and a half ago that she only had days. I called our mutual friend and we just cried, laughed at a few memories and just loved our friend. Early the next morning, I got the call that our friend was called to heaven.

She leaves behind an amazing husband, a beautiful 13 yr old daughter, an amazing 10 year old son, and their miracle baby who is 20 months old. I love you S……thank you for pushing me to be the person I am today. I miss you so very much.

No one is guaranteed tomorrow……September 2015, I went to bed perfectly healthy and fine. No signs and symptoms my life was to change. Then an hour and a half later…..I would wake up to sharp chest pains that dropped me to the floor each time. AND…I lost the use of the right side of my body. An isolated virus attacked my spine. An amazing neurologist tried an experimental procedure that allowed me to eventually gain back 90-95% of my loss. After I “graduated” from PT and OT, I allowed myself to google Transverse Myelitis. At that time, I found only 1 website that had any info on it—-4 in 1 million people were diagnosed with TM. Today - it is getting more and more common. But……I was one of the rare ones to recover as much as I did.

Life is precious…..
I currently have many friends battling various diseases and ailments…..I pray for them everyday. I also have a new perspective on mental issues……PTSD, anxiety, depression…….

Life can throw curveballs……
Almost a year ago, my family experienced the biggest curveball I could ever imagine. Who believes you when you say a car flew through your house at 90mph causing it to explode and somehow - only by the grace of God—-we survived. I was looking at photos for someone the other day and saw the picture from when we got new siding and new zipboard. I saw all the studs, insulation of our house. The driver of the car flew into our house and took out the entire structural support system of the house before it exploded. That morning when I came out of the house - the entire front of the house was very noticeably leaning towards the site of the accident. We have been told many times this is a freak-one of a kind accident…..what are the odds.

We get one chance at this thing called LIFE. How are you living yours? What will your legacy be?

I admit….i have lost myself this past year……rebuilding a life, fighting to keep my family together and healthy, fighting for my marriage, fighting to get us in a house, fighting to make the house a home, fighting with my grief, fighting to keep my head up. This past year has not been easy—it has been freaking hard. The trauma of the year has turned me from an extrovert to an introvert. Within the first 72 hours, we experienced how hurtful some people’s words and actions were towards us. I literally had to build a wall around my heart and my mind. I am ready to start truly living again.

My goal this next year is to get back into nature and taking photos again. There is something calming about the fresh air, the silence, the majesty of the sky, walking barefoot on thick grass……I am ready to start living again. I do realize I still have more fighting to do with rebuilding our lives- insurance isn’t closed out yet. However, I am ready to close this chapter and open the next chapter of our life. Thank you to everyone who sat by us as we navigated through the darkest days we have encountered so far. Not sure where I would be without you. Just this morning, I woke up to 2 messages of love and reminders to turn my eyes towards God.

02/03/2024

The dogs and I walked to the mailbox tikis morning — since our yard is nothing but a mud pit. This was in the mail…….what a gift. Thank you Monument hospital for researching the information I was looking for — and going up and beyond sending me these treasures.

01/31/2024

After asking a ton of questions in regards to suborgation, trying to understand the process, and “making us whole” regarding our insurance with our claim owner, then calling the police department for a copy of the police report and reliving our entire fire with them……these photos popped up in my memory from 1 year ago and dropped me to tears……. The days when Timber was a dog and didn’t live in constant fear and depression….the days when life kinda made sense and had a purpose….

01/23/2024

A little morning walk. The way the fog was leaving was super cool.

01/22/2024

Been struggling to hang anything on the walls. We hung the painting of the pups the first night and a Bible verse painting soon after. I hung the wood sign “what are you thankful for?” on Thursday. Tonight, I finally hung my first photo. This photo was on my birthday hike 2020. Attempting to personalize our house.

01/19/2024

Memories from a year ago…….i miss this life where everything made sense. What I would do to love on Tuff and Aspen again.

01/13/2024

One year ago memories are popping up……then I found a few more photos the other night. We lost our house, we lost all our “things”, we lost sentimental items, we lost our babies — Tuff and Aspen, G lost his pickup…….but the hardest for me ….. I lost Lil Nature Admirers…….i poured my heart and soul into my program.

Someone told me a few weeks ago, all the centers are hiring — you COULD get a job. While that is completely true, not a single center aligns with my philosophy and vision. Nature play is not a widely accepted concept around South Dakota…. Not sure a daycare center is for me. Guaranteed - I had more training hours in the first 6 weeks in 2023 than the center employees get in a year. And…..I know the struggles of running a business, I know they can’t pay a decent wage.

I wish I knew what the future holds…… I miss creating magically play spaces for the kids. I miss searching and finding loose parts and then seeing where their imaginations take the items. I miss talking “nature play” and “loose parts” and “provocations” and “Reggio-inspired” and ….. I miss my little friends.

I was asked to be a part of an upcoming event. I got so excited and tears came to my eyes…..it made me feel alive.

I saw a post a fb friend who is a teacher shared……about the amount of screen time small children get and how it is affecting their development. My program was created to offset that post. Screen time was limited to when I was making lunch. I was lucky enough to see how their imaginations emerged…..

I am sure I still have the photo somewhere — a boy was sitting in a chair wearing a hard hat. He had 2 PLAY plungers (never used as intended, solely for play and art) and I sent a picture to his parents—-saying what are we today? Dad immediately sent back is he driving a bobcat?

Our indoor area allowed for lots of imaginative play. We spent very little time in the summer inside, so winter was special time to be inside for the kids.

Nature play is not a widely accepted practice in South Dakota. I saw a post the other day - the average child gets 4-7 minutes a day outside. Sad that statistic isn’t improving—-this statistic was the driving factor to me changing my program back in 2020.

I have started taking classes again. No clue where it will lead me, but it ignites a passion in me I can’t describe. Our goal was to spend 1000 hours outside a year in our outdoor classroom and beyond space. Before the fire, I was completing a nature certification from UNL - I miss Katie’s classes. I was involved in a group taking mindstretcher classes with Dr Claire Warden from Scotland. The US has a lot to learn from European countries on child development.

I miss teaching classes and inspiring other child care providers. But until we are back on our feet, I will look at my photos and remember all the good times.

01/10/2024

Today marks 11 months since our lives literally exploded.

Mike and I were talking the other day about the first 96 hours after the fire— he didn’t get home until 17ish hours after and doesn’t remember much after.

Fight or flight response
Survival mode
Anxiety
Fear
Trauma
PTSD
Extreme stress
Grief
Mourning
Loss

These were all terms that came up in our conversation. He was telling me about how they have discovered the number of breaths you take a minute correlates with anxiety and stress…..it totally makes sense!

These are all terms I am familiar with and understood prior to the fire……these are all
Terms I have experienced and felt firsthand since the fire.

As we approach the last major milestone - the one year anniversary, I have lots to be thankful for, I am still dealing with trauma and triggers (that may be the rest of my life), and I still have hope.

Photos from a year ago……

01/06/2024

I know you are sick of hearing from me —-and think I am a broken record…….but I am highly, highly, HIGHLY encouraging you to sit down with your insurance agent and go over ALL your policies. Heck - use this hypothetical situation……you are sleeping in your bed when a car driving 80-90mph flies through your house, shearing off the gas line causing it to explode…..

HEAR ME OUT!!!

I submitted our contents of the house to the best of my ability …… I know I forgot lots — but how can anyone itemize a house you have lived in for 22 years exactly??? What was all in those totes in the storage room? How many pairs of jeans do you own? How much food is in your cupboards??

After we were paid DEPRECIATION on what I submitted —- I did NOT submit one single receipt for replacement items……this does not include 1 single daycare item…..does not include Garret’s pickup that only had liability…..we were underinsured $74,000+ on JUST the contents of our house………

They paid out our max contents ……. There is over $74,000 that was not paid because we maxed out our policy. If you include the daycare items……it is over $129,000 we were underinsured…….