Haunted Housewives with Tish and Lily

Haunted Housewives with Tish and Lily We're a professional writer and occasional costumer with a deep understanding of what scares people and and even deeper interest in finding out why.
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We look forward to sharing the best of the Pittsburgh region's scares with you!

Tonight (10/18/25) we are returning to a young haunt that’s just sharpening its fangs in the industry, we are eager to s...
10/18/2025

Tonight (10/18/25) we are returning to a young haunt that’s just sharpening its fangs in the industry, we are eager to see what new terrors await within The Midnight Hour Scaregrounds! Afterward, we’ll check out a place that combines Halloween party fun with terrifying surprises around every corner. We’re so excited to visit Eerie Acres Farm and see what kind of creepy fun they’ve cooked up this year! See ya there! 👻

Tonight (10/17/25)we return to our own backyard as we drop in on Dr. Joe Bob’s latest “research” and count how many clow...
10/17/2025

Tonight (10/17/25)we return to our own backyard as we drop in on Dr. Joe Bob’s latest “research” and count how many clowns are lurking around West Alexander Scare Fair! Then, we can’t wait to see what mind bending puzzles await at the incomparable Castle Blood.

This is not a drill! There are just three more weekends left in October, so get yourself out to a local haunted attracti...
10/16/2025

This is not a drill! There are just three more weekends left in October, so get yourself out to a local haunted attraction now! Read our reviews and watch our videos for our takes on the best our region has to offer.

And if you're hitting a haunted house this weekend, we have some helpful reminders about lines, weather, and preparedness.

Plus, we have a ticket giveaway! The mad geniuses behind Unlock the Adventure Escape Experience have given us tickets to their immersive, one-of-a-kind escape rooms. Unlock the Adventure gives you unlimited clues, gorgeously detailed environments, and clever puzzles. It's a crazy fun experience, at Halloween or any time! We have a pair of tickets to give away here AND a pair of tickets to give away on our YouTube channel, so like and comment below or on our YouTube for a chance to win!

This is not a drill! There are only three weekends left in Haunt Season 2025! We offer some friendly advice on how to handle the crowds...PLUS we have ticket...

Portals of FearWest Mifflin, PA October 12, 2025Darkness presses in above and around us. We’re in the middle of Pittsbur...
10/14/2025

Portals of Fear
West Mifflin, PA
October 12, 2025

Darkness presses in above and around us. We’re in the middle of Pittsburgh, just a couple of miles from downtown, but this hilltop feels a million miles away from the city and its lights. There’s activity on the midway, and we’re sandwiched in between a family with four teenagers and a pair of young women in sweatshirts huddled together. Still, this place feels lonely. Exposed. Lily and I glance sideways at the long, low building that stretches away from us back to the treeline. Red lights shoot up the side of the building like the flames of hell. Suddenly, a shriek tears from somewhere inside the building followed by a ragged chorus of screams. Lily and I stare at each other in alarm, then at the young man guarding the door. He smiles. “It’s an old building,” he says, “Sometimes the floors creak or the walls settle. They make a little noise. It’s nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine.”

He lies.

The Portals of Fear have yawned open once again in what used to be the James Lavelle Catholic School in West Mifflin. For several years, Portals of Fear Haunted Attraction was a charity haunt, staffed by youth and families from the local parish. Then, in 2023, Portals of Fear began adding professional staff and growing its professional ambitions. Alas, the haunt was closed during the 2024 haunt season, but it’s hard to keep a good demon down. Now, in 2025, the portals gape and beckon once more. People who fondly remember the haunt’s previous incarnations will be impressed to see how this little hellmouth has grown while people who have never stared down into the darkness are in for a treat, a candy apple laced with razor blades.

Every great haunt starts with a vision, a story that explains what horrible thing has happened and why you should care. In this case, the hauntrunners have come up with a narrative that accounts for the presence of zombies, demons, cursed dolls, cryptids, and crazies in a single place. As soon as you enter the old building, you’re pressed into the service of a shadowy government agency, the Demon Investigation Unit (or DIU). The DIU is looking into reports of infernal gateways that have opened, allowing demons to slip through and bring a host of fears with them. The DIU is severely understaffed (it seems that this job comes with an unusually high mortality rate, as evidenced by the body on the gurney…and in the wall… and in the stairwell), so they’re seeking some more-or-less willing recruits to investigate, track, and catalogue demonic activity. As an agent of the DIU, you will pass through these portals and see all the ways that hell has begun to deform reality. This framing narrative gives the creative team and the actors the scope to do, well, whatever the hell they want.

The adventure starts in a dingy, tarp-hung office space, where a scarred but no-nonsense “Men in Black” type struggles to hold onto the threads of his sanity as he explains the importance of the mission to his new, underprepared staff. This intro seamlessly covers the rules of the attraction (OF COURSE you’re not supposed to touch the demons or anything they have infected, and no self-respecting Fed should be eating, drinking, or va**ng on the job) while setting the tone and introducing guests to Portals of Fear’s approach to horror. (It all boils down to great atmosphere, great acting, and judicious use of technology.) New agents are scanned by computer (the number 666 seems to come up a lot) and decontaminated with a mix of lights, chemicals, and holy water before being sent into the portals. Our new boss wishes us “Godspeed.” When I thank him, he mutters, “Don’t thank me yet.” A glimpse of the path ahead shows why he’s reluctant to accept my polite gratitude.

The sections of the haunt depict the different portals – glowing red geometric shapes signal that you have passed from one reality into another. Crimson light and the sound of a crackling radio playing Big Band music signal that Lily and I have crossed into an infected space. We find ourselves in a small town square where most of the shops have closed, a bike and a grocery cart have been abandoned, and one bloodied, bandaged homeless man is shouting out his praise to Rulos, the lord of hell who opened the portals. He circles Lily and me, alternately threatening us and describing the wonders we’re about to see. To avoid him, we duck into the only open store front, a convenience store offering snacks and medications. For many reasons, this turns out to be a bad idea.

The little town square and the store also establish Portals’ approach to set dressing. It’s realistic (nothing cutesy, nothing whimsical) but witty (notice the posters for Monster Energy on the walls). Lighting in the store is cold and commercial…and the sickening smears of blood on the floor gleam darkly under those unforgiving lights. The harsh shine of the lights and the narrow aisles also mean that we can’t escape the notice of the creature that has taken refuge here.

From this introduction, we wind through the rest of the infected town, including a body shop (heh) and a bank of storage units that have been turned into something more like a diabolical operating theater. Visitors who remember earlier versions of Portals of Fear may feel like they’re experiencing the extended dance remix of certain beloved scenes: bigger, stranger, with a killer beat. Even if you’ve seen it before, you really haven’t. This section of the attraction is filled with drop panels, passageways, objects, and unexpected angles that permit a whole bunch of enthusiastic jump scares. You can’t trust the environment…and you certainly can’t trust the people, or anything that might have once been people. Things crawl or emerge gasping from unexpected places; monsters careen down hallways awash in bloody light, arms reaching toward you. Props further the story. While you’re not going to see any random skeletons or monsters, you WILL see bodies (or body parts) of the agents who have gone before you, or victims of the demon and his minions.

But this is PORTALS of Fear, not Portal of Fear. When you think you have escaped all the transformed townspeople hungering for your flesh and blood, you pass into another, older reality where you encounter a series of rituals honoring Rulos. Portals of Fear has a distinctive approach to its scenes – you will hear them long before you see them, and they continue after you pass through. IF you pass through. Lily and I enter a passageway hung with vines and snakes (why does it always have to be snakes??) where a chant rings through the darkness. Sure enough, we blunder into a sacrifice conducted by a beautiful, terrifying priestess before scuttling off – and finding ourselves veering from snakes to spiders, pinballing off the walls of a corridor lined with skeletons and strung with webs. We stagger into a cemetery where we fail to comfort a grieving ghost and muddle our way into a mausoleum haunted by an angry (and acrobatic) spirit. Oh, also? There’s a boisterous, demonic antipope who wants us to join him in his worship of Rulos, and a brotherhood of fiendish monks. This section is deceptive – scares come from unexpected places and take unexpected forms. These rooms have multiple entrances and plenty of places to hide, allowing the same creature to scare guests multiple times.

Somehow, Lily and I survive this onslaught after screaming ourselves hoarse. We climb to the second floor of the building where the slumped bodies of more DIU agents let us know we’re on the right track. This section takes a common haunted house trope and strrreeeeeettttccchhhheesss it into a full narrative. A glowing triangular portal welcomes you to the realm of Mother, who has been given the ability to keep her children with her forever and ever in the form of dolls. This section convincingly takes us outside, into the overgrown yard of a weatherbeaten old house. The scent of grass and rot fills our noses as we spy figures at the windows. We enter to find a house that must have been cozy once upon a time, but Mother has turned her energies to something other than housekeeping. The wallpaper is peeling, the wood is rotting…and is that a broken wheelchair at the bottom of the stairs?? As we journey through the house, we meet dolls at different stages of transformation, including one poor creature who is trapped in a dollhouse that we can see but cannot enter. Some of Mother’s children are viciously happy to have new playmates while others are hostile or sad. (Pay attention to the makeup and costuming – it shows you where the creatures are on their path from human to object.) Mother herself is a towering figure both literally and figuratively, a witch straight out of a fairy tale, smiling and sinister.

Our reward for surviving the land of the cursed dolls is to descend into the depths of the building and confront the horrors of hell. The stairs are lit by candlelight and the basement is dank, smelly, and dark. The darkness conceals more than it reveals: this space is chock full of its own dramatic surprises that will have you flinching and screaming before you surface (if you’re lucky) into the cool night air.

Portals of Fear has crafted this piece of supernatural terror by using a unique approach to technology. While this haunted attraction uses light, sound, and props (and air and fog and computers) to create its environments, it completely eschews animatronics. Sure, there is a pretty spectacular actormatronic/puppet, but this haunt leans heavily on its actors and their spectacular skills. Many of the actors give impressively creepy physical performances, tumbling out of walls or pulling themselves along the floor or caroming off the sides of the corridors. There are tons of jump scares, but these actors also seemed to feed off of the interactions with guests – which seems about right for a bunch of soul-eating demon worshippers. We loved our beleaguered boss, the homeless prophet, the athletic zombie, the body shop staff, the demented nurse and her patients, the “helpful” guy who wasn’t really helpful at all, the snake priestess, the antipope, the restless ghosts, the thing in the swamp, the undead monk, Mother and all her bizarre and beautiful children, and Rulos. What’s even more remarkable is that this cast was energetic and full-throttle on a Sunday night. There’s not a weak link in this remarkable cast.

If you couldn’t make it through all the paragraphs above, here’s our summary. The team behind Portals of Fear has put together an intense, evocative, theatrical attraction that uses set design, acting, and a touch of technology to create a tense, scary, fun experience. Yeah, it’s an old building. Yeah, it makes some noise. But if you enter Portals of Fear, you’ll be screaming loud enough to drown out the creaking floors.

Cost: $30 – you can buy at the ticket booth (in front of the school) or online. VIP tickets include an hour in the VIP room. This portal opens directly onto New Orleans’ French Quarter, where an elegant vampire who has had too many names to remember serves suitable human snacks while you relax before entering the haunt.

Safety Protocols, Group Size, Etc.: You go through in groups of no more than 6. Portals does everything they can to keep the group size intimate.

Concessions: Portals of Fear hosts a hot dog stand with some fantastic-looking hot dogs and the merch table also sells chips and candy.

Other stuff to do: There are t-shirts and a stage for live music. There is also a stand selling creepy coloring books and jewelry.

Other stuff to know: The entire journey takes about a half-hour. You have to climb to the school’s second floor and descend to its basement, which is very dark. You may get a little damp in a scene or two, but that’s probably inevitable when there are so many bodily fluids flying around. Also, you park off-site and are shuttled to the school, so don’t be afraid to get into the white panel van. The driver promised us that he has puppies and candy!

Tonight we will be visiting the amazing folks at Portals of Fear!! We cannot wait to see all the changes they’ve made! 👻
10/12/2025

Tonight we will be visiting the amazing folks at Portals of Fear!! We cannot wait to see all the changes they’ve made! 👻

And now for something completely (well, kind of) different. Tonight, we're at Eerie Horror Fest at the beautiful, histor...
10/11/2025

And now for something completely (well, kind of) different. Tonight, we're at Eerie Horror Fest at the beautiful, historic Warner Theatre. Tish will be chatting with Scream Queen and all-around icon, Adrienne Barbeau. If you're not at a haunted house, you can come see some cool movies, buy some merch, and celebrate our region's love of horror!

Awaken Haunted AttractionLeslie, MIOctober 4, 2025Through the slats of the pallets, we catch glimpses of the night sky a...
10/09/2025

Awaken Haunted Attraction
Leslie, MI
October 4, 2025

Through the slats of the pallets, we catch glimpses of the night sky and of grass rolling away to the woods around us. We’re so close, but we can’t reach it, can’t climb through the wooden lattice work, can’t escape. We can’t even see an exit. Lily is breathing hard because she’s convinced we’re not alone. We hear whispers, but they’re distorted, making it impossible for us to tell where they’re coming from, how far away (or how near) they are. She sets off at a jog down one of the narrow corridors and I follow. Lily is cautious (I wouldn’t go so far as to say paranoid) but I trust her instincts. We come to a turn and we halt, casting around for a way out. We wait too long though – I don’t see the man who appears behind me, the man with a chainsaw in his hand and someone else’s face plastered over his own skin. We scream and take off.

An hour earlier, I wouldn’t have guessed that we would be in this predicament. When we pull up to Awaken Haunted Attraction, it looks like a simple, modern, commercial building, the kind where you might buy windows or lighting fixtures. But we should know by now that you can’t judge a book by its cover. (Trust us – no one’s coming here for some nice vertical blinds.) In the hands of the right hauntrunners, the right designers and actors, a building like this can become so much more – a sinister government research project, maybe, or an arbor maze full of killer rednecks, or a haunted house.

That’s exactly what the gloriously twisted minds behind Awaken have done here. They have turned this blank space into a playground for their darkest fantasies, building lavish, immersive environments that they’ve filled with a huge family of freaks. The site gives them the flexibility to move back and forth between different settings, and different types of scares. Awaken Haunted Attraction encompasses four separate sections: Awaken, Terror Phobia 3D, The Forgotten, and Tenebrous. You can’t experience these attractions separately because this is a continuous walkthrough. In addition, they overlap…you might even say that they BLEED into one another.

Our adventures start in the queue line, which is themed as an introduction to the first attraction. Yes, technically, this attraction is Awaken, but it has been taken over by government researchers who are engaged in some, er, shady experiments in the newly branded Area 56. A no-nonsense nurse prowls the line to ensure that no one gets up to any shenanigans – or spills any state secrets. From the look of her uniform (and her ghostly features), she’s been around for a few decades. Video screens around the room play previews of events and offer glimpses of what’s inside. There’s also a scare cam that will, I imagine, capture Lily and me at our finest, scuttling through the hallways. Eight of us are finally herded into a holding pen to be escorted into the facility proper, where we learn that we’re not here for a fun field trip. Instead, we have to submit to diagnosis before being consigned to Area 56 as research subjects. The impressive, imposing Dr. von Orlok (I think I know his cousin; the good doctor gives distinct Christopher Lee vibes) introduces us to the facility and scans us. I’m surprisingly clear, but Lily, alas, has alien parasites, so it looks like we’ll be staying. Each group enters separately, so when we finally venture into the depths of the facility, Lily and I are alone. A silent, deadpan nurse directs us to a rickety elevator and waves bye-bye before we’re plunged into a warren of military labs.

Area 56 offers plenty of evidence of extraterrestrial life in the form of effects and props. The level of detail is consistent and convincing: you’ll believe that you’re in a lab dedicated to forbidden experiments, an impression helped along by the chilly lighting. (Pay attention to the lighting in this place, if you can. Both the tone of the lighting and the fixtures themselves contribute to the environment.) This area is also overrun with little gray men whose powers seem to include excellent timing.

In and around Area 56, you see hints of the original haunted house, Awaken. You enter the house through a crowded attic that includes an awesome, original jump scare, before winding into a series of rooms that were once cozy and pretty but are now in an advanced state of decay. The house is definitely haunted…and possibly infested, as another terrific jump scare in a bedroom confirms. Even without the jump scares, the sets are remarkable (there’s a whole army of hollow-eyed, haunted dolls measuring your progress in one room). Every surface is faded, cobwebbed, a vision of classic horror. The house successfully taps into a whole array of phobias before it’s done with you.

Ah, but Awaken can do more than industrial-strength scifi and shadowy gothic. The attraction also includes Terror Phobia 3D, a gallery of beautiful, horrifying murals by Stuart Smith, an artist who specializes in vivid, vicious UV and 3D designs. In this maze, you’ll feel like the walls themselves are watching you BECAUSE THEY ARE. There are clowns and monsters and eyes everywhere. Even the floors are spattered with paint drops that seem to dance and glow under your feet. You’ll want to ooh and aah at every turn, but you really shouldn’t, because of course you’re not alone. There’s also a long, weirdly gorgeous, cosmic horror of a vortex tunnel that will have your head spinning.

The Forgotten offers yet another sharp contrast. Awaken’s take on a pallet maze is filled with eerie whispers, not to mention squealing piggies on two feet and a leatherfaced killer with a chainsaw. As you’re winding through this maze, the whispers and shadows conspire to confuse and unsettle you. The Forgotten leads more or less seamlessly into Tenebrous. This outdoor area boasts some excellent sets and some of Awaken’s most original and entertaining characters. For instance, Lily and I blunder into a combination yard sale and barbecue hosted by the friendly, outgoing Scooter (Skeeter? Sorry if we got your name wrong; we were a little distracted), who wants to share a meal with us. However, the bloodstained clothing scattered across the lawn and the dismembered limbs scattered across the grill dissuade us. We excuse ourselves and head deeper into the woods and deeper into the night. There, we run smack into the Michigan version of Crocodile Dundee, who’s out searching for cryptids. Or rats. Or maybe both. He confides that the woods here are dangerous before shooting at something rustling in the tall grass. Lily and I quickly learn that the creatures out here range from kind of adorable (the gregarious Bushsquatch) to frankly alarming (the monstrous figure from local folklore who emerges out of nowhere). And then there’s Mama, who isn’t exactly a cryptid. Instead, she’s a bunch of rural nightmares rolled into a single towering figure and dressed in a housecoat. Whether monsters or men, the residents of Tenebrous are, um, hungry for a little human interaction.

Tenebrous makes the most of the beautiful natural setting while adding enhancements – a graveyard lit by flickering lights, a steep mine shaft, a Michigan Chainsaw Massacre cabin. It all feels immersive and real. So real, in fact, that it’s disorienting when we re-enter the building, it takes Lily and me a moment to recognize that we’re back in Area 56, in an industrial area where we have to walk down into a roiling green mist. Something on the scaffolding tries to warn us; something in the mist reaches for us. Then somehow, we emerge into a full-blown freak show with massive posters advertising the various acts. There’s a rodent girl, and a bearded lady, and a host of other interesting folks who trail our footsteps through the big top. One pretty, nasty clown warns us that we have attracted the attention of her sad-eyed friend: “He’s a cougar chaser,” she cautions, “He says, the older the berry, the sweeter the juice.” (If that’s true, Lily and I are practically fermented. Bring it, Clown Boy.) The freak show provides a weird, funny, and fun ending to a multifaceted haunt.

Awaken Haunted Attraction has excellent production values, with props, animatronics, and effects designed specifically for this space. Each of the environments is carefully observed and convincing, whether it’s the basement of a secret research facility, a haunted attic, a charming little arbor full of chainsaws, or a backwoods cannibal village. The designers have managed to create immersive environments that get the look and textures of a medical lab, a decaying attic, and a glamorously seedy circus tent just right. The lighting is careful and evocative. But aside from these technical achievements, Awaken is filled with terrific actors who know their characters inside and out, eyeballs to entrails. They can carry on whole conversations in character while walking beside you (or chasing you down a dark corridor). Scenes range from funny to scary to weird, and these interactions bring this event to unholy life.

When we arrive at Awaken, we stop at the bar for a little seasonal cheer. It quickly becomes clear that the bartender is very proud of this place and very enthusiastic about it. When we grab a bite to eat at the food truck, the chef who serves up our snacks is also eager to talk about the attraction. These folks know that they’re part of something special and they’re excited to share it. After our visit, Lily and I can see why. Awaken Haunted Attraction is a detailed, immersive, scary, and enjoyable romp through an entire horror anthology of fears. If you want to see what a little creativity and a lot of imagination can do, head out to Awaken. Just watch out for the chainsaws, listen to the nice nurse, and tell the clowns we said “hi.”

Cost: $28 for general admission and $38 for a fast pass.

Safety Protocols, Group Size, Etc.: You go through each attraction with only your immediate group. And take the security briefing seriously – Nurse Wretched and Doctor von Orlok will not put up with any nonsense.

Concessions: There’s a food truck that serves excellent mac’n’cheese and pulled pork sandwiches, among other things. Awaken also has two bars, one at the beginning and a smaller one at the end.

Other stuff to do: So much! There’s a clever, interactive five-minute escape room, celebrity meet and greets, and special events. The hauntrunners clearly feel responsible for adding value to this experience, hosting actors from the "Annabelle" films and musicians from Skid Row. There’s also a casket ride and zombie paintball, as well as a gift shop that sells t-shirts and tumblers, among other things.

Other stuff to know: The haunt is both inside and out, so be prepared for a little rough terrain.

DarkSyde Acres Haunted HouseJonesville, MIOctober 4, 2025There’s a whole genre of movies out there about haunted attract...
10/08/2025

DarkSyde Acres Haunted House
Jonesville, MI
October 4, 2025

There’s a whole genre of movies out there about haunted attractions where genuinely dangerous things happen: “Haunt,” “Hell Fest,” “The Houses October Built,” even “Hell House LLC.” In all these movies, the main characters end up somewhere they shouldn’t be, somewhere that the paint and plastic become real. That’s how Lily and I felt, jostling over almost 7 miles of dirt road, through overgrown fields, and past piles of junk, on our way to DarkSyde Acres. The feeling of unease only grows when we get out of the car and walk a long, long path lit by widely spaced colored lightbulbs to the ticket booth. “I don’t have any reception,” Lily whispers. Around us, there is a huge grassy space, ringed by low, aluminum-sided buildings. There’s a bonfire that was just getting started. And directly ahead of us, stands a huge guy in a clown mask and a bloodstained apron. He is so utterly still he could be a prop. That is, until a woman in the group ahead of us lights a cigarette for a last, calming smoke before heading into the haunt. She taunts the clown, “You want this?” and waves the cigarette. The clown continues to stand there before abruptly reaching out and grabbing the cigarette, placing it between his own lips.

That combination of real, rural terror and rough humor makes DarkSyde Acres different. DarkSyde stretches over 70,000 square feet, through buildings and across a pallet maze. While there are five distinct attractions, they are organized as one long, continuous walkthrough where one nightmare leads directly to the next. The outside of the haunt looks rustic and gritty but inside you’ll find high quality special effects, costuming, and makeup. You’ll also find that DarkSyde’s monsters take real pleasure in your terror.

DarkSyde has one of the best – by which we mean one of the darkest, scariest and, most constantly themed – queue lines we’ve ever seen. You wind through a maze of animal pens on your way to the entrance; both sides are lined by miniature haunted houses that give you plenty of stuff to look at – and flinch from – as you wait. The scenes near the queue are packed with toppled furniture, chainsaws, abandoned toys, just a bunch of stuff that conveys the idea that something terrible has happened in this farmhouse. And if that doesn’t keep you occupied, there’s a gigantic line actor in a clown mask who strides along the line terrorizing the crowd while Halloween classics like “Thriller” and “Monster Mash” play in the background.

But this is no dance party. DarkSyde likes to make its guests nervous – after a quick rundown of the haunt rules in a haunted parlor (Lily and I balked at the “no profanity” part – a minute in, we could tell that we were going to drop some choice four-letter words), you’re sent toward a green light at the end of a very long hallway. The quiet offers a brief reprieve from what’s about to happen. No sooner do we pass that green light than we’re pursued by a demonic priest who wants to turn us into stew. He follows us down the hall, whispering in our ears and peering over our shoulders before abandoning us to the mercies of the creatures that await in the dark.

In the very first attraction, the Catacombs (yes, there are catacombs – we’ll get there), zombies have overrun a medical facility. Lily and I tried to sneak through without alerting anything to our presence but a crazy nurse spotted us and called for assistance. We weren’t sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t a malevolent, acrobatic doctor who scolded us for shushing his nurse. He then climbed a wall, grabbed the lintel of a door in one hand, and swung down into our faces. (That’s not something you see every day – unless you’re us.) We scurried through the maze of offices, where realistic sets alternate with scenes of mayhem (think filing cabinets and desks splattered with blood). Eventually, the gore-smeared hospital gave way to a series of catacombs, where we were greeted by a moaning ghoul. After she released us, we entered a maze that felt like it was underground and relied more on sound and atmosphere than on props and creatures. The stacks of bones and skulls turned into a mine shaft where we stumbled upon a hostile miner with glowing eyes and a pickaxe that he dragged behind him. (Lily and I noticed that many of DarkSyde’s creatures carry multiple weapons, which they use not only to threaten any poor boneheads who happen to cross their paths but also to create horrific sound effects.)

From the darkness of the Catacombs, we emerged into a day-glo big top, Klownetowne. This detailed, disorienting area is a haze of pink and purple, overrun with a bunch of aggressive clowns who enjoy chasing and tormenting visitors. These giggling nutjobs wring a surprising amount of variety from their clown characters. A sly girl clown threatened us and then darted off to play hide and seek while a tall monster with a green mohawk veered between hyuk-hyuk humor and real menace.

The tone of the haunt changed abruptly when we entered the dark, echoing halls of Rusthole Industries. In this section, the hauntrunners used sound and lighting (or rather lack of lighting) to create a sense of deep foreboding. The moment we crossed Rusthole’s threshold, a voice called to us from somewhere deep in the darkness, “I can hear you.” Lily and I crept forward, between huge barrels and pipes, as the voice chuckled, “I can see you.” This section also included realistic effects designed to convince you that you’re really in an abandoned factory where something terrible has happened. The designers offer just enough light to see by, and the sounds of tools (circular saws, sanders, and other things) sets your teeth on edge. By the time you finally spot the workers who have been left down here in the dark, it’s too late.

DarkSyde’s pallet maze, The Labyrinth, is the backwoods counterpart to Rusthole Industries. It’s just as intense, just as disorienting, but here, you’re running for your life around tree roots and under gouts of flame. (Big, BIG gouts of flame that roar up at uneven intervals.) Oh, also, there are killer rednecks and pigs with chainsaws. This area makes the most of its setting – you’ll see jack-o’-lanterns and towering trees, and the pallet maze allows tantalizing glimpses of just what you’re running from. The maze is huge, and genuinely confusing, especially when you have some big dude in overalls and a pig mask taunting you: “Imagine getting lost in here. Imagine making the wrong turn. Oh, that would be bad!” (Mind you, I had two challenges: avoiding Pig Boy and his kin and trying to keep up with Lily. Because chainsaws.)

When we finally located the exit, we were stopped by a giant crow in a Renaissance costume. (Why was there a crow in a Renaissance costume guarding the exit to a fiery chainsaw maze? No idea, but he was charming and funny.) The crow chatted with us for a minute before allowing us to cross the gangplank into The Abyss, DarkSyde’s haunted pirate ship. As we made our way into the ship’s narrow, wooden hallways, we were immediately impressed by the use of sound. We might have been in the middle of a field in southern Michigan, miles from the nearest ocean, but we could hear the ship creaking and sighing around us. The hallways zigzag in ways that conceal doors and drop panels that allow the ship’s crew to appear out of the darkness. The captain immediately clocked us as intruders while the ship’s cook wanted to use our aging bones to supplement his stock. (In fact, being turned into food was a recurring theme for us: deranged priests, brutal clowns, mutant piggy hillbillies, and ghostly pirates all threatened to serve us for dinner.) There were loads of props and effects here, but the most genuinely startling moment occurred in one of the cabins: a terrified woman warned us, “Get out! She’s coming! She can’t find you here!” and then something dropped onto the four-poster bed, slithered off, and slunk up to us. Also, Lily made a friend. She thought that a figure sitting at a treasure-laden table was a prop so she walked up to the apparently dead pirate and smirked, “Are you doing anything fun this weekend?” She nearly threw herself through the wall of the cabin when he sat up and responded.

All five attractions boast convincing, realistic set dressing and strong design and effects. There’s very little here that feels cutesy or whimsical. DarkSyde also has a huge troupe of actors; many of them, like the clowns, the piggies, the not-so-good doctor, and our diabolical priest friend, enjoy bantering with guests. And absolutely all of them loved jumping out of nooks and crannies.

DarkSyde Acres has an old school feel with new school technology and effects. It’s down home, gutsy and gritty. If you want something that feels unsettled and scary and you don’t mind losing your GPS, check out DarkSyde Acres.

Cost: $25 for general admission and $40 for a Fast Pass.

Safety Protocols, Group Size, Etc.: DarkSyde is serious about making sure that you go through with only your own group. While another group caught up to us at one point, the actors quickly made sure that we were separated.

Concessions: There’s a concessions stand plus a food truck with Crispy Cluckin’ Chicken.

Other stuff to do: There’s a bonfire and a gift shop with fun merch.

Other stuff to know: This isn’t a touch haunt but the actors do get pretty close.

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Pittsburgh, PA

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