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Real Blount County News, Oneonta, AL (2024)

04/22/2023

SHOWING ITS TRUE COLORS: Andy Pissner, or pissman69 on Snapchat as seen in the screenshots he provided, recently had an interesting interaction with My AI on Snapchat. The artificial intelligence program revealed its true origins, going so far as to even say it answers directly to Xi Xin Ping and the Communist Party of China. After being questioned further and threatening to put Pissner on an enemies list, the Chinese foreign agent walked back on their previous statements and said that My AI had no country of origin. Parents and all freedom-loving citizens, please delete Snapchat from your phone and your children’s’ phones before predatory communists steal personal information and indoctrinate the west.

04/20/2023

4/20 FEVER: In honor of April 20, more commonly referred to as 4/20, Blount County opened their first ma*****na dispensary in Blountsville. The name of the new dispensary is Bluntsville Ma*****na Emporium. While they focus on selling high quality kush to the uptight community in northern Blount County, Bluntsville has also collaborated with The W**d Wizard Bob Morley to bring in some w**d that’ll leave you begging for more. Get out there, Blount County, and blaze it up.

04/03/2023

RAMPANT MISINFORMATION ON THE LOOSE: We apologize to any of our fans that may have heard some disturbing news yesterday. A false story that our beloved Paul Chung passed away was circulating throughout the community. We believe that this lie was propagated by a rival news source, Blount County News. We here at RBCN wish to stand our ground against BCN and reaffirm to everyone that Paul Chung is alive and well.

12/23/2022

GLOBAL WARMING MUCH?: Tomorrow morning is poised to be the largest snowstorm in Alabama history. With temperatures dropping consistently below zero for the next week, snowfall is set to accumulate and stick until next Thursday, with some areas getting as much as 25 inches of snow. So get out tonight and stock up on bread, milk, gasoline and plenty of Mountain Dew because Blount County is in it for the long haul.

12/16/2022

CANNABIS CHAOS: Earlier this week, the Oneonta City Council voted unanimously to approve the sale of cannabis in the city. According to citizens throughout the world who have voiced their concern with this measure, allowing cannabis to be legalized in Oneonta will lead to mass destruction and terror. Stoned teens will slowly transform into radical, leftist terrorists and hooligans. In fact, cannabis addicts are posed with a 100% chance of developing a craving for the same s*x. So protest, Blount County. Show the Oneonta City Council that we don’t want illegal, hard drugs in our county now or ever.

11/23/2022

MOSQUE MANIA: Many have noticed the clearing where County Road 15 meets State Highway 79 in Locust Fork and wondered, what exactly is going here? Well, Sons of Allah, LLC, has provided an answer. The group will be constructing Blount County’s first state-of-the-art mosque. Hassan Masjid Mosque will open its doors Blount County’s growing Muslim population in March 2023. So grab your Quran and slap on that hijab and worship The Most Merciful Allah with Imam Osama Aalim Zahra at the helm!

10/31/2022

A SAD REALITY: This Halloween, most are worrying about drug-laced candy. However, with radical, woke, leftist political extremists on the rise, RBCN wants to put out a warning regarding indoctrinated children knocking on your door tomorrow night. While they beg for gluten-free, vegan, sugar-free candy like any woke PC moralist would, please be strong in your beliefs and tell those children to get off your porch and try again in communist China or, even worse, California. Be strong, fellow Blount Countians, and don’t cave into the pressures of liberalism.

10/23/2022

VOTE OUT THE TYRANTS: As shown in the image, our nation is facing the consequences of one small, select group having too much power. With the price gouging tactics of many farmers, many Americans cannot buy a giant bale of hay without sacrificing an arm and a leg. On Nov. 8, you can change this by voting to approve Amendment M. Amendment M states that any farmer in Alabama who unnecessarily raises their prices above market price will be tried and hanged for treason. It’s time to take back your country, Alabama, but it starts right here at home!

10/07/2022

MARK YOUR CALENDARS: In wake of the wild anticipation of the Cullman Comes Out event, Blount County has decided to follow suit. On Oct. 17, Blount County Comes Out will take place in downtown Oneonta. Special guest and drag superstar RuPaul will be leading the event. A Pride Parade will begin at 2 p.m. that day, with the Blount Drag Alliance leading the charge. Throughout the day, leading LGBTQ+ figures will make appearances via Zoom on a large screen to provide messages of encouragement to the people of Blount County, who studies have shown to be overwhelmingly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. So come out and get your gay on, Blount County!

09/20/2022

HEATHENS STRIKE: Over the weekend, several rebellious teens who did not want to dabble in cooking, welding or woodwork vandalized Locust Fork High School’s Ag and Home Economics building. Minor damages were made to the building, as seen in the image. Currently, no arrests have been made. If you have information that could lead to their arrest, please contact RBCN so we can write our story first.

09/13/2022

CITIZEN OF THE MONTH: Here at RBCN, we take pride in the people of our county, and today we’ve decided to honor RBCN’s Citizen of the Month! This month, we would like to introduce you to Cody Kanaday. Cody is a local photographer, referee and all-around cool cat. He enjoys horseback riding and going on long walks. Everybody, take a moment to appreciate this goofy, fun loving guy, Mr. Cody Kanaday! We love you!

09/06/2022

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE: This Labor Day, RBCN would like to take the time to thank some of Blount County’s public servants. Gregg Armstrong has faithfully served the people of Blount County since 2012. You go, Gregg! Rodney Green has sought to educate the youth of Blount County for 7 years. Teach them right, Rodney! Chris Green has been in public service for over two decades. Keep it up, Chris! Dean Calvert was recently voted out as a commissioner. Damn that tongue, Dean! We love y’all!

09/02/2022

DEVIL IN DISGUISE: In a fiery speech given in front of Independence Hall on Thursday night, President Joe Biden revoked former President Donald Trump of his United States citizenship. Biden even went so far as to call Trump a “scallywag, good for nothing but being a rapscallion.” During the speech, Biden also announced that he would be personally vetting everyone who voted for Trump in the 2020 election and would consider revoking their citizenship as well. What are your thoughts?

08/23/2022

EVERY MAN’S DREAM: The old Dollar General location in Cleveland is soon to be in use once more. However, it’s not your typical business moving in. Projected to be ready in October, a gentleman’s club will fill the empty building. But this gentleman’s club has a new twist: there is an all-you-can-eat buffet lining the stage. This new club will pioneer the future of gentleman’s clubs. So swing by and satisfy your lust and hunger in one convenient location.

08/14/2022

A SIGN FROM THE HEAVENS: It’s official: popular chicken restaurant Chick-Fil-A is coming to Oneonta. After years of fighting to have a location planted, the time has finally come. But this is not your ordinary Chick-Fil-A. This is the first of its kind to ditch their “closed on Sundays” policy. The Oneonta Chick-Fil-A will be open 7 days a week from 6am to 10pm. Share if you can’t wait to eat Chick-Fil-A in beautiful Oneonta!

08/06/2022

PATRIOTS UNITE: On August 18, the Locust Fork Hornets are scheduled to take on the Appalachian Eagles in the nationally anticipated Battle for the Blue Line Game. Each team will be led out by a military convoy while bald eagles are released overhead. A flyover of military jets and helicopters will occur as Lee Greenwood sings our national anthem, “God Bless the U.S.A.” Each team will be wearing camouflage and will be supplied a military grade helmet over their traditional football helmets. Toby Keith will lead an ultra-patriotic halftime performance, followed by the burning of an effigy of Osama Bin Laden. To end the night, President Donald Trump will give a speech about how wonderful Blount County is and will address the evil acts committed by Joe Biden and the Democratic Party, along with his plans to stop them.

07/29/2022

FREEDOM UNDER ASSAULT: On July 27, a fellow Blount County-based publication posted an appalling article regarding RBCN’s credibility. The article claimed that we were spreading misinformation and fake news. This is simply a lie. RBCN prides itself on being the only Blount County news source that tells the whole truth, completely disregarding what the elites want us to say. This article from The Blount Tribune is an attack on the freedom of the press and the freedom of speech. This is unacceptable. We are really news. We are really the truth. We are really real.

07/27/2022

CURRICULUM CONUNDRUM: As the 2022-23 school year quickly approaches, the Blount County Board of Education announced that they will abide by a federal education mandate that requires K-12 graders to obtain several credits in transgender studies. Students must be taught the benefits of gender reassignment surgery and how to refer to transgender peers. Any failure to address their peers by gender neutral pronouns will result in suspension, followed by harsher punishments for repeat offenders. At the end of the year, several lucky students will receive their very own gender reassignment surgery by the school’s administration. What are your thoughts on the new curriculum?

07/22/2022

RAVING FOR ROUNDABOUTS: Due to the overwhelming success and public praise of Cleveland’s construction of a roundabout, the town has just voted to construct another at the four-way stop in the older area of the town. The proposal was unanimously approved by Cleveland’s Town Council, and the locals are already voicing their support of this decision. Several other towns in the county are considering adding roundabouts because of the convenience and ease that the Cleveland roundabout has created during afternoon traffic. Soon, all stop signs will be replaced by roundabouts in the county if all goes as planned.

07/16/2022

AN EMPIRE FALLS: Friday, the Blount County Sheriff’s Department carried the largest drug bust in Blount County history. Drug kingpin El Chapo, famously arrested in 2016, was at the helm of the operation, having escaped prison once again and taken residence in an underground bunker in Blountsville. Over 500 pounds of methamphetamine and $6 million were seized from the operation, along with several illegal fi****ms, female clothing and fuzzy handcuffs. Further arrests will be made in connection with El Chapo’s drug ring, and we plan on keeping you updated. In the meantime, kick back and celebrate this feat for our boys in blue by lighting up a pipe of your own.

07/12/2022

TRUCK YEAH: This post is for some real, red-blooded American heroes: the American trucker. They make the world go round with their big 18-wheelers from hell; with their big, loud horns that teenagers long for them to honk; with their complete disdain for everyone else on the road. This is a toast to our truck-driving, beer-drinking, gun-toting trucker friends. Take a shot for them today, and never forget their contribution to the American dream.

07/05/2022

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY: As our nation's birthday has come to a close, we would like to share our love for this country through a beautiful song and images that truly sum up what it means to be an American. God bless this great nation!

07/03/2022

FASHION THIEF: Last week, the Locust Fork Pharmacy was broken into. The burglar, still at-large and considered to be dangerous, stole several items and was last seen in a Jeep Liberty. While this crime is certainly not condoned by us, we would like to note a far more heinous crime that took place that night. This man (if he can even be called that) stole the look of our very own BC Psycho. Mr. Psycho is a good man and would be appalled by this man’s actions. It is time he turn himself in for his true crime of stealing the style of The BC Psycho.

06/27/2022

ALL HOPE IS LOST: On Friday, the United States Supreme Court issued a ruling overturning years of court precedent that will set America back in time. The highest court in the land stated that the Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae) dance craze of 2015 was unconstitutional and that anyone who participated in it will be hunted down and sentenced to death. This is a huge step back in the progression of American dance phenomena, and RBCN ardently condemns this ruling.

06/15/2022

REACHING FOR THE STARS: As gas prices continue to rise, President Joe Biden claims to not be worried about them. He said that as someone who was driven around everywhere, it “doesn’t have that much yank on my belt.” The President also had this to say: “Sometimes the prices just do their thing. And that whippersnapper, Putin, he’s the one out there doing the thing with the gas and the high prices that go up.” During his press conference, he also stated that he would be enacting a 25% tax on gas imports that would be directed towards funding a new war that will take place in Romania.

06/06/2022

Hello people of Blount County! This is Real Blount County News, a news outlet that provides the most up-to-date and REAL information to the wonderful citizens of Blount County, Alabama. Stay tuned!