12/29/2023
Trigger warning.
This time last year my doctors wanted to hospitalize me because my appetite had disappeared. I was losing weight fast and when I forced myself to eat I would get extremely nauseous and throw it all up. My body was literally beginning to shut down and they couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I was at my lowest point ever and constantly wanted to give up.
My best friend bought me a plane ticket and Mercy and I went and stayed with her family for two weeks while she nursed me back to health. For the first time in months I was able to eat again without forcing it. I was able to think straight, and make decisions again. I was able to keep up with Mercy and didn’t want to give up anymore. The day before we were supposed to fly home I broke down. I couldn’t explain it, but everything in me was panicking at the thought of returning home. But I did. All of my ailments returned as soon as I was back.
Then something unexpected happened. My husband came home one day and told me he was leaving me, that he never loved me. As I tried wrapping my head around everything that happened something even more unexpected happened. Every mysterious medical issue I had been battling disappeared. Within one week I felt healthier and happier than I had in over a decade. What I learned was devastating, and liberating. I had been living in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze for 15 years. My body was literally at its breaking point and I don’t think I would have made it through another year.
Fast forward to this morning when I got this text. Ten minutes after receiving it I just started sobbing. The weight that was suddenly lifted was undeniable. This has been the hardest year of my life, I would never want to do it again, but it’s also been the GREATEST year of my life. Because I have my life back. I have my happiness, my drive, my playfulness, my hope, my freedom, my compassion, my confidence back. I still have a lot of work and healing ahead of me, but for the first time I can see past my present and am excited for my future. If my honesty makes you uncomfortable, good. We should all be a little uncomfortable more often. I am a survivor. ❤️