08/16/2024
Mom’s Dementia
Mom‘s dementia has picked up momentum. I’m aware it’s part of the illness, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to watch and it’s very sad. It’s only been six months since I last saw her, but I think she has lost 25 years of her memory in that time period. She has no idea who Brock Bo and Brennan are. She had no idea that I had children. She knows who Tim is and she knows KB, which I find rather odd, but I guess they go far enough back that she still remembers them. We watched the video of Babbie’s house together and she kept asking if the person talking was me? She said it didn’t look like me and it didn’t sound like me. The content was very confusing to her. She kept saying I’m trying to understand what’s being said. I sensed the anxiety in her voice and turned the video off. It’s hard to know what was so upsetting. Her ability to learn any new information about me is gone.
She’s much more feeble then I remember. She’s very slow and it’s effort to hear her voice when she talks. Observing all the digression, forced me into compartmentalization mode. Compartmentalizing allowed me to set aside the emotion and be present for the moment. I can process the intensity of my emotions at my next therapy appointment. Mom’s brain is shutting down. My brain is going 100 miles a minute.
Mom’s been in the same facility for two years, yet she doesn’t know a single person’s name. She’s nice to most people. One lady reminds me of how others view my bipolar. This sweet lady is confined to a wheelchair. She grunts to communicate. It’s scary to the other Residents. I make an intentional effort to pat and shake her hand. I gently rub her on the back and I talk to her like I understand what she is saying. Her grunts get louder with excitement when she sees me coming. Maybe a part of her feels understood and loved even though she’s different. Like bipolar, others don’t understand, so it creates fear. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It breaks my heart for her and for those of us with bipolar.
Today mom and I sat outside and talked on her level. It’s like we talk but not about anything familiar with our previous relationship. She knows that I’m her daughter, but doesn’t know much about me. I got a video of us talking. She’s very confused, but I just try to go with it. Dementia is so bizarre. Any kind of brain disease for that matter is so bizarre. I struggle to know that God allows it to happen. He is allowing her brain to shrink one piece at a time sometimes two and three pieces at a time. I just want him to take her home. I don’t think I can handle watching her completely lose her mind to the point that she doesn’t know me. she’s 89. I want to be OK with whatever God brings. It’s just hard to watch the digression. She has lived a long life not a good one but a long one.
Today’s experience with mom was quite interesting. Every day is different. I never know what to expect when I walk through her door. She’s very confused. She was surprised by my visit though I have seen her twice already this visit, she doesn’t know where I was born. She remembered I had a brother, Davey. She doesn’t know where he was born. She asked about him. “He died mom.”
“Of what?”
“Do you remember Covid?” I said. She shook her head no. Thankfully, her brain doesn’t hold on to topics long, because I didn’t have it in me to explain such trauma. She saw the cat running around several times and got so excited each time. She’s moving backward rapidly. I haven’t cried once. Either my emotions are non existent or the circumstances are too overwhelming to allow tears to take over. I feel extremely sad. I’m all ripped up inside. Life is so full of emotion. I think sadness is one of the hardest for me. I wish I could outwardly experience pain and sadness. It hurts badly to hold it in.
I’m about to take off on the airplane from a fast and furious,yet very slow trip. I’m filled with grief. I feel like this is the last trip that mom will recognize me. I’m not naive and I’m not oblivious to know how dementia works. Thank you lord, for the time I’ve had with my immediate birth family. My childhood was hard, but I am the woman I am today because of the difficult early life. Thank you for my family today. I couldn’t be more grateful for Tim and my boys. Being a mom is the greatest gift in my life so far. Tim and I have a beautiful life together. I’m excited how God is growing my family.
