Journals from a Broken Mind

09/15/2024

09/15/2024

08/16/2024

Mom’s Dementia

Mom‘s dementia has picked up momentum. I’m aware it’s part of the illness, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to watch and it’s very sad. It’s only been six months since I last saw her, but I think she has lost 25 years of her memory in that time period. She has no idea who Brock Bo and Brennan are. She had no idea that I had children. She knows who Tim is and she knows KB, which I find rather odd, but I guess they go far enough back that she still remembers them. We watched the video of Babbie’s house together and she kept asking if the person talking was me? She said it didn’t look like me and it didn’t sound like me. The content was very confusing to her. She kept saying I’m trying to understand what’s being said. I sensed the anxiety in her voice and turned the video off. It’s hard to know what was so upsetting. Her ability to learn any new information about me is gone.

She’s much more feeble then I remember. She’s very slow and it’s effort to hear her voice when she talks. Observing all the digression, forced me into compartmentalization mode. Compartmentalizing allowed me to set aside the emotion and be present for the moment. I can process the intensity of my emotions at my next therapy appointment. Mom’s brain is shutting down. My brain is going 100 miles a minute.

Mom’s been in the same facility for two years, yet she doesn’t know a single person’s name. She’s nice to most people. One lady reminds me of how others view my bipolar. This sweet lady is confined to a wheelchair. She grunts to communicate. It’s scary to the other Residents. I make an intentional effort to pat and shake her hand. I gently rub her on the back and I talk to her like I understand what she is saying. Her grunts get louder with excitement when she sees me coming. Maybe a part of her feels understood and loved even though she’s different. Like bipolar, others don’t understand, so it creates fear. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It breaks my heart for her and for those of us with bipolar.

Today mom and I sat outside and talked on her level. It’s like we talk but not about anything familiar with our previous relationship. She knows that I’m her daughter, but doesn’t know much about me. I got a video of us talking. She’s very confused, but I just try to go with it. Dementia is so bizarre. Any kind of brain disease for that matter is so bizarre. I struggle to know that God allows it to happen. He is allowing her brain to shrink one piece at a time sometimes two and three pieces at a time. I just want him to take her home. I don’t think I can handle watching her completely lose her mind to the point that she doesn’t know me. she’s 89. I want to be OK with whatever God brings. It’s just hard to watch the digression. She has lived a long life not a good one but a long one.

Today’s experience with mom was quite interesting. Every day is different. I never know what to expect when I walk through her door. She’s very confused. She was surprised by my visit though I have seen her twice already this visit, she doesn’t know where I was born. She remembered I had a brother, Davey. She doesn’t know where he was born. She asked about him. “He died mom.”

“Of what?”

“Do you remember Covid?” I said. She shook her head no. Thankfully, her brain doesn’t hold on to topics long, because I didn’t have it in me to explain such trauma. She saw the cat running around several times and got so excited each time. She’s moving backward rapidly. I haven’t cried once. Either my emotions are non existent or the circumstances are too overwhelming to allow tears to take over. I feel extremely sad. I’m all ripped up inside. Life is so full of emotion. I think sadness is one of the hardest for me. I wish I could outwardly experience pain and sadness. It hurts badly to hold it in.

I’m about to take off on the airplane from a fast and furious,yet very slow trip. I’m filled with grief. I feel like this is the last trip that mom will recognize me. I’m not naive and I’m not oblivious to know how dementia works. Thank you lord, for the time I’ve had with my immediate birth family. My childhood was hard, but I am the woman I am today because of the difficult early life. Thank you for my family today. I couldn’t be more grateful for Tim and my boys. Being a mom is the greatest gift in my life so far. Tim and I have a beautiful life together. I’m excited how God is growing my family.

07/15/2024

https://youtu.be/gU5ZAMXW2OA

My interview with Babbie Mason regarding mental health awareness. She has allowed me to use her platform to inform and educate others about mental health and the church. Thank you, Babbie! Lots of love!

05/15/2024

https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZUqf-6qrjopHt2-2KGGa_Jn4KjlFCmDeAPd

DBSA WEBINAR MAY 20, 2024
6:30pm-7:30pm. Join us for education regarding mental health stigma.

05/13/2024

My husband is one of a kind. I married him for his money and celebrity status. Just kidding , he is an ordained senior adult pastor in a church. Certainly no money or fame there. He is an ordinary guy with quirks. I love him like I love myself. He is not perfect. But, he is my perfect fit. Opposites attract and Opposites have differences. It is definitely true in our case. Let me start with physical features. He is tall and I am short. His skin tans and mine burns. He lives off of hamburgers, hotdogs, chicken tenders,Cheetos, pizza and coke. I enjoy seafood, grilled chicken, a variety of fruits and vegetables and sweet tea.

My husband and I are worlds apart in how we connect relationally. He is a linear thinker. I think outside the box. I tell a story using color. His stories contain statistics and facts. He holds his emotion inside. I vomit mine out. There are times when he has no thoughts in his head. My thoughts never cease. He uses up all his words while he is at work. I unload my words when he gets home. His description of his day EVERYday goes like so:

Me: “How was your day?”

Husband: “Good.”

Me: “What was good about it?”

Husband: “Nothing bad happened.”

Me: “Nice.”

He rarely asks about my day. I do not know why. Maybe he doesn’t want to get tangled in my drama. Hopefully, you get the picture. We are both vinegar and oil and salt and pepper. Having a mood disorder in a relationship definitely adds to the challenges. But, the mood disorder is not the cause of all relationship challenges. Our mood disorder can definitely wreak havoc. But, even normies have issues. This devotion reminds me of the biblical passage “What is the greatest commandment?”

“Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.””
Matthew 22:37-40 NIV

The first commandment is obvious. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ I think the first commandment for me is easier than loving my neighbor as myself. , I need to love my husband faults and all. If we all lived by that principle, we would never walk alone on our mood disorder journey. Consider ways you can love your neighbors. Who are your neighbors? Are neighbors people that are hard to love? Ponder what defines a neighbor? I challenge you to love them all like you love yourself. If you struggle to love yourself, consider yourself to be that neighbor you love.

05/02/2024

Tattoo

Now that many of you have seen my tattoo on Facebook, I want to explain its meaning. The semi colon in the Mental Health world symbolizes that your story goes on. Like the semi colon in grammar gives the sentence the ability to continue on. A period on the other hand ends the sentence. There are different phrases that express the meaning of the semi colon.
Still here fighting
My story isn’t over
No story should end too soon
I am enough
You matter
Live
I’m still here
I chose, “I’m still here,” because my favorite Christian artist ,Mandisa wrote a song titled “I’m Still Here”. For years, it has been my anthem song. She wrote the song after coming out of a deep dark mental health pit. She struggled with her mental health including suicidal ideations. My whole life I have struggled to fight suicidal ideations. The tattoo is very meaningful and I like being reminded that,”I’m Still Here,”on days when I don’t want to be.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month ❤️

04/30/2024

It’s no fun to go toe to toe with an illness that manifests itself in the brain. Medications smother the brain’s ability to think clearly. Sometimes it just hurts to even try. I have been on medication for 18 years and it’s still a struggle. My body is beginning to experience the consequences of being on psychiatric medications for so long. I can’t hide the slurred speech, the tremors and being off-balance. It feels like things are never gonna get better. In fact, they’re only gonna get worse. The side effects have taken a toll on my body over the years. What is my threshold?

I’m in the process of finding a new psychiatrist. It is a challenge because psychiatrists are not a dime a dozen. Pray with me that I find a doctor that cares about my total wellbeing. Please pray that the side effects I’m experiencing will be addressed if not stopped. Please pray that I am patient and pray that I will have patience in the process. God knows best.

04/22/2024

Mandisa

The loss of Mandisa has hit me hard. We still do not know her cause of death. The evidence is pointing to su***de. I sincerely pray that that is not the case. For people struggling with suicidal ideations, the suicidal loss of a celebrity can be devastating. It can have a ripple effect on those who suffer with a mental illness.

Mandisa, was my favorite Christian gospel artist. In fact, one of her songs is my all-time favorite. I have loved it since the beginning. The song title is I’m Still Here. The song emerged after her successful climb out a dark time in her life. Mandisa loved Jesus. She used her platform to share her love for Jesus. No matter the cause, the loss is devastating

What about a celebrity su***de can cause a ripple effect of su***des? I believe there are several reasons why it happens. It’s easy to put a celebrity on a pedestal. When that celebrity falls, it crushes the individuals ray of hope. Also, when a celebrity is the face of hope for those of us seeking hope, it rattles our cage. For me, I know my foundation, my healer, my hope is in Christ. Knowing who Christ is and his wonderful power doesn’t keep me from struggling.

Pray with me if you will that Mandesa’s cause of death is not su***de. She was so young and talented. Her song “I,m Still Here” is my anthem song. I will continue to listen to Mandesa sing. I will listen to her worship Jesus. The one who pulled her through an episode long enough to complete her album “Out Of The Dark.”

For peace of mind, I am not suicidal. I do not know her cause of death, this is an opportunity to educate Normies on a mental health matter. I have been impacted by Mandesa’sloss like many of you. Her loss has had an impact around the world. I’m praying for her family. It’s got to be a very painful loss. Also, I do not believe her loss was selfish. She was in a tremendous amount of pain. She Was ready to be comforted by her heavenly Father

04/21/2024

The Final Round

Sometimes a white knuckle grip is all you can give in your fight to survive the relentless beast. One sweaty palm could cause an unnecessary fatality. Support is so important when a loved one is in the midst of an episode. Judgement is impaired or possibly gone. Any episode is dangerous, but dysphoric mania is the most.

Dysphoric mania is best defined as “having the energy of someone who is manic with the thoughts of someone who is depressed.” It is the most dangerous of all the mood states.Thoughts are flooded with actively suicidal ideations. It is a pain that words cannot describe. Victims desperately want to be out of their head pain, and sometimes go to extreme measures to make it stop. Sometimes even the best outpatient treatment is not enough to keep someone with a mood disorder safe.

Over the years, I have learned healthy ways to manage the mild to moderate dysphoric manias. I know I can’t do it without my professional, family and friend support. Rest is very important. I like to journal and go for walks with my support. Once my episode reaches severe, it unfortunately ends with a 1013 (committed against my will) for my safety and peace of mind for my support.
Exodus 14 (NIV) states, The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” It brings me comfort to know that God has my back. He will fight for me. I urge you not to wait till you are in the final round to make a safety plan. Make your plan in stability, while you still have a say over your treatment.

04/21/2024

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I’m starting early .

The Final Round

Sometimes a white knuckle grip is all you can give in your fight to survive the relentless beast. One sweaty palm could cause an unnecessary fall to fatality. Support is so important when a loved one is in the midst of an episode. Judgement is impaired or possibly gone. Any episode is dangerous, but dysphoric mania is the most.

Dysphoric mania is best defined as: having the energy of someone who is manic with the thoughts of someone who is depressed. It is the most dangerous of all the mood states.Thoughts are flooded with actively suicidal ideations. It is a pain that words cannot describe. Victims desperately want to be out of their head pain, and sometimes go to extreme measures to make it stop. Sometimes even the best outpatient treatment is not enough to keep someone with a mood disorder safe.

Over the years, I have learned healthy ways to manage the mild to moderate dysphoric manias. I know I can’t do it without my professional, family and friend support. Rest is very important. I like to journal and go for walks with my friends. I make sure to eat even if it’s nott the healthiest. I Watch comedy shows and listen to my favorite music. Once my episode reaches severe, it unfortunately ends with a 1013 (committed against my will) for my safety and peace of mind for my support.

Exodus 14 (NIV) states, The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” It brings me comfort to know that God has my back. He will fight for me. I urge you not to wait till you are in the final round to make a safety plan. Make your plan in stability, while you still have a say over your treatment.

04/10/2024

Around this time last year ago, I began writing a new book with challenging content. You've been warned, so please stop reading if need to. Here is part of the conclusion.

I want to believe I will keep my darkest thoughts to myself from this day forward. I cannot survive another hospital stay. I enter the hospital broken and come out shattered. Medication adjustments are left unfinished. I am thrown back into the real world to deal with the aftermath from all the hospital trauma on an unfinished medication cocktail. I am conflicted in so many ways. To remain silent in my darkness could cost me my life. But, that is what I want. Right? No. I do not want to die. I want out of my head pain. Is that possible? Sometimes, I feel treatment resistant. There are times when medical illnesses run out of treatment options. I think it is the same for mental health illnesses. It would devastate me if a mental health professional ever told me I was treatment resistant. When a patient is declared treatment resistant either medical or mental, it is a death sentence. Although, a medical health related death is a death of dignity. A mental health death is considered cowardly and selfish…more to come