05/22/2024
I want to preface this by saying I’m truly lucky and blessed to be surrounded by support from my parents as well as incredible friends and I’m eternally grateful.
With that being said, single motherhood often feels like when your car has 17 miles left til empty but you have a 50 mile drive ahead with no time to get gas 😵💫. You’re mad for not giving yourself more time, for not planning better, for not stopping to fill it up the night before— frustration, exhaustion, and constantly having to pick and choose what to prioritize without getting all of it done — things slipping through the cracks— and nevertheless feeling guilty no matter what, in fact, has been achieved instead.
I’ve been endlessly trying to get a comprehensive schedule and healthy routine in order but pieces seem to always shift, work piles up, health issues pop up, needs, etc. It can feel like a never ending game of Tetris and the pieces are flying at you while placing them as best you can. I cannot help the urge of wanting to be perfect even though I know that’s not realistic. I can’t shake the genuine want to please all. I can’t help desiring to effortlessly do it all with simply being reminded at the end of the day it didn’t happen. I want to be present for all the things, say yes to every offer that comes my way, and be there for everyone all over— but with 24 hours a day (and a tight budget) I always have to swallow that reality pill and decline certain offers and say no to various opportunities.
In the midst of contemplating all of this I got into a conversation with a fellow single mom about “all the things” and what I was most upset with (and emotional about) was just missing having stupid, pointless, genuine FUN! I have a never ending to-do list that waves in front of my face all day. There’s no aimless time to just enjoy. Even the happy and fun moments have to be interrupted by the reality of single parenting and knowing there’s something that needs to get done, so do it— you only have so much time!
It can be frustrating, particularly with summer closing in on us and my son being home and just wanting to enjoy the fleeting time I have with him prior to him going to Kindergarten in the fall. I hate the : “I can’t right now honey”, or the “no, I’m sorry, not right now”, and the “not today” or the heavily used, “ok, but only for a few minutes”. It’s not for a lack of want, but a lack of time and sometimes ability if I’m just beaten down and brain fried from the day or something else must take priority due to a deadline, etc.
Don’t let this post give you the impression that I’m taking this lying down or it’s all doom and gloom; no way. I will continue to play Tetris and put the pieces where I believe they’re best until I can get it right. And isn’t that the incredible thing about single parents? There’s no ability to tap out or give up or hand it off to someone else so we just buckle down and keep going. I think that’s one of the most beautiful and courageous points of single parenthood that gets overlooked. The enormity of what we face, the inevitability that it will be nearly if not literally impossible, but us going for it anyway. There’s power in that. There’s power in every partial win, every agonizing decision, and an utterly exhausted body and mind come nightfall or daybreak. The choice to keep going is truly something. It’s hard but I believe in better times ahead and a better me to come. If enormous pressure breeds diamonds, just think how valuable we must be.
