10/25/2025
TW: DV
I know what it’s like to lie to the police. To your friends. To your family.
I know what it’s like to wonder “maybe if I just do ___ better, he won’t treat me this way anymore.”
I know what it’s like to wonder when the man I fell in love with would return.
I know what it’s like to be chased because of the strong woman I am, only to later be resented for that same strength.
I know what it’s like to make myself small, because existing around an abusive partner takes walking on eggshells to another level.
I know what it’s like to be given the silent treatment, to be called names, to be called: stupid, incompetent, incapable, a wh*re, a b*tch, to be to told no one would ever love me, that I am lucky anyone would ever want to even sleep with me, that I am the reason my previous partners hurt me.
I know what it’s like to be called crazy. To realize that I was going to be put in the same category of all of his exes before me who were crazy or somehow wronged him. Mind you, men like this will always have one ex you can never live up to. The ex who left them.
I know what it’s like to try to leave, only to be manipulated into staying.
I know what it’s like to feel like you really are going crazy. To feel insecure in a relationship because your partner is constantly doing things to make you feel insecure, to test your boundaries, so they can accuse you of being “just like all” of their exes.
I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve lost yourself. To find all of your free moments in fear, worry, confusion.
I know what it’s like to pray with the devil. Boy, do they love to use religion as a means of control.
I know what it’s like to experience the whiplash of the same hands who hurt you being the only hands who can soothe you.
I know what it’s like to look into the eyes of the man I love, while both of his hands were wrapped around my throat as he verbally threatened to “end” me.
I know what it’s like to be isolated from family and friends. To be made to start to question the loyalty of people who have had my back for years. I am sorry to those I let down in this way.
I know what it’s like to begin to believe that if the person who knows me most intimately could think so poorly of me, these things must be true.
I know what it’s like to be willing to do anything, give anything, just for a kind word, for that gentleness and kindness to return.
I know what it’s like to experience the cognitive dissonance - to tell yourself whatever lie you need to believe to lessen the pain. This isn’t weakness. This is survival. You will face the truth eventually. It will be a good thing.
I know what it’s like to feel trapped.
I know what it’s like to be utterly discarded like trash, when all you’ve asked for is couple’s counseling to learn how to better communicate.
I am thankful beyond words to be free. I am thankful to be safe. I am thankful to know a love that is gentle, kind, free-giving, and safe. I am thankful to have a close relationship with my family and so many beautiful, wonderful friends who love me for who I am.
If you feel trapped, please remember, you don’t have to make any decisions right now (but if you are in physical danger, I urge you to try to find a safe way out), but you should start planning your exit strategy.
Here are some things you should keep in mind about domestic violence:
Victims of intimate partner strangulation are 750% more likely to be killed by the same partner, making it a significant risk factor for homicide. Non-fatal strangulation is a strong indicator of escalating violence, with one study showing it was reported in nearly 45% of attempted homicides in a domestic violence context. Over 50% of female homicides are committed by an intimate partner, and strangulation is a leading cause of death in femicide cases involving intimate partners.
Domestic violence is not always physical. Abuse can also take form emotionally, mentally, financially, sexually, and even spiritually.
If you think you or someone you know may be the victim of domestic violence, you do not have to face it alone. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free support 24/7 - call 1-800-799-7233.
And also please know your friends and family love you so much. I know what it feels like to think you’re overwhelming them and they don’t want to hear about it anymore, but please, please believe me when I tell you they truly just want you to be free and happy. No one who loves you wants to see you hurting. And so many people love you. The abuser saw the light in you that he does not carry, and he wanted to steal it for himself. He will not succeed. You, however, have a light worth protecting and worth fighting for. You are so much stronger than he’s made you believe.
(Note: I am aware that DV affects people of all genders, of all relationship kinds. I am writing from my own experience, hence the gender pronoun choices here.)
