09/24/2024
Buckle up. This is dark:
I turn 53 in three days. As I look at my future based on life right now, this what I see:
I pay my October rent and beg people to help me pack up my apartment so I can put everything in storage. I start looking for whatever I can find to bring in more money. No full time jobs pan out (possibly partially because I can't afford to reactivate my portfolio site). Other part time stuff doesn't add up to enough.
I barely manage to afford my medications, car payment, utilities, and insurance in October. Every government agency and private charity tells me I "make too much money" to qualify for aid.
I cannot pay my November rent, so my apartment complex files eviction papers. I have 48 hours to get out. I beg people to help me and pray they can.
Someone takes me in (I have a few options). I file bankruptcy and pray I qualify. The bankruptcy won't change the fact that an eviction stays on your rental record for 7 years, so that is most likely how long it will be before I can rent again.
I continue seeking work while writing and editing for Angi. I continue writing poetry and podcasting. No matter how many resumes I send out or referrals people give me, nothing full time pans out (it hasn't up to this point; why should the future be any different). I can't find enough part-time work to remain solvent past paying for my car, my insurance, my phone, and my medical expenses.
Eventually, whoever I'm living with gets tired of me, the millstone 'round their necks, after a while (could be a few months; could be a year) and asks me to leave. Yes, they love me, but patience only lasts for so long, and I understand that (I've been on that other side, myself).
Hopefully the next offer lets me stay with them. And the cycle repeats.
Eventually (most likely well before the seven years is up), I run out of places to go...
I don't want that future, and I'm having a very hard time seeing any other. I've tried for years to remain hopeful and positive, but those are slipping away fast.
I have no idea how I've managed to make it this far. But the track is ending, and the train that is my life is about to wreck in a way I may not survive.
Some people have contributed to the GoFundMe, and I deeply appreciate their help. A very small few have signed up for monthly memberships on Coffee or Patreon, and I'm happy to see that. If anyone would like to contribute, I'll put links in the comments.
But that very small number makes me wonder if my writing is something that people even want to see. My confidence as a writer and editor are almost shot. My sense of worth isn't far behind.
"We are worth more than just what we can produce."
My landlord won't be willing to use my "worth beyond what I can produce" as payment for rent. Same goes for my car payment.
Please help with what you can. Please share this with everyone you know. The abuse survivor in me wants you all to know that I'm trying on my end; I really am. But I'm running out of time...and the future I see makes me not want to go on...
https://gofund.me/9eb7d102