The Southbay Observer

The Southbay Observer Shellback | Barns | Ercs | Northend

In response to outcry at several roses being left in the sand, that might possibly have thorns on them, an EOD expert wa...
07/01/2024

In response to outcry at several roses being left in the sand, that might possibly have thorns on them, an EOD expert was dispatched to Hermosa Beach. We will update you when we're allowed back in the 20 mile safety perimiter.

Sunday the 13th, 2022 shocked local experts when not a single new post on social media asked about an alarm, siren, or h...
03/14/2022

Sunday the 13th, 2022 shocked local experts when not a single new post on social media asked about an alarm, siren, or helicopter. It is the first day on social media not a single person asked about what is known as the "Axis of Annoyance" since its inception.

Experts poured over police and fire records to see if perhaps not a single alarm, police unit, or helicopter was flying, causing the strange convergence, but found it was a relatively normal day.

"In a world where nothing is as it was, that was our one single constant we could rely on, but that has been taken from us" sobbed a neighbor looking for some semblance of normalcy.

One local pondered if everyone just slept through the noise, after a boisterous St. Paddys day Parade.

Local bike thieves got a shock when they arrived to the South Bay, typically full of bikes to find they had all been sto...
02/25/2022

Local bike thieves got a shock when they arrived to the South Bay, typically full of bikes to find they had all been stolen, every one of them.
(image of to be stolen bike from SBO archives)

“I showed up, and thought damn, where’s all the bikes.. did we get a new corona variant and everyone’s hunkered down?” said one bike thief that asked to be unnamed. Pete continued “I don’t know how I’m supposed to make a living when the local bike theft market is so sparse” Pete despaired.

South bay residents are known for leaving their bikes at bars overnight, on the sand unattended, in plain view I their opened, unlocked garage, side of their house, or exposed patio. They are also known for being really surprised when they are stolen.

Local bike shop Burn The Ships Electrics heard the news that a few tens of thousands of residents might need new bikes and said “alright alright alright!”. Pete was equally excited.

Officials at NASA have released a still image taken by a startled astronaut stationed aboard the International Space Sta...
01/18/2022

Officials at NASA have released a still image taken by a startled astronaut stationed aboard the International Space Station. The astronaut had been sleeping between shifts performing delicate science experiments, when the station was showered in a blinding rain of red and blue light.

"I had thought a nuke had detonated over North America, or the sun had gone supernova. We all rushed to battle stations and began mega-robot transformation. Once the stations blast shields were in place we used image sensors meant to photograph solar flares to capture the seen below" said the senior flight officer.

The light source turned out to be a police cruiser belonging to the Manhattan Beach Police Department, who was making routine stop on Pacific Coast Highway.

"I had pulled over a car, flipped on my pursuit lights, which is comprised of about 350 thousand super bright LEDs facing in every direction; They alert any wary drivers on the street that they should use caution not only because I may pull someone over, but also because their retinas have been irreparably damaged and they can no longer see anything" said the Manhattan beach deputy. "We love the lights because if everyone is blind, the bad guys are blind. it's simple math."

A brief investigation discovered that the global chip shortage is entirely caused by Manhattan Beach Police Cruisers, who have 87% of the worlds chips and diodes on their vehicles in the form of super bright LED lights.

When local resident Nicole had misplaced her spin shoes, with her afternoon options dwindling, she had no idea she might...
01/14/2022

When local resident Nicole had misplaced her spin shoes, with her afternoon options dwindling, she had no idea she might be facing the most South Bay problem of all time.

In a last ditch effort to salvage what little there was left, she turned to the option of going to Yoga class, trying to convince herself she was OK with where her entire life had led her.. to this one, terrible nexus of despair.

Wrestling with the inevitable truth of her existence, Nicole had resisted that which was smothering and undeniable and told herself it was OK. Holding on by a thread, she backed out of her driveway shaking but holding it together when at the very last moment, a neighbor asked what she was up too, and the gravity of the situation collapsed her delicate defenses as she spat out to her neighbor, the gods new and old, screaming her lament and discontent at the cruel reality of her existence; "well, I can't find my spin shoes, so I guess I'll have to go to f*cking yoga".

If you are facing a similar existential crisis, SBO recommends a delicious mimosa at the Hook & Plow, with a side of their cataclysm ending Chicken and Waffles.

A spokesperson for the South Bay volleyball community has released a study including a deep dive into texts, social medi...
01/10/2022

A spokesperson for the South Bay volleyball community has released a study including a deep dive into texts, social media posts, and cell phone pictures has confirmed their worst fears... everyone has already dated everyone.

"A group of tall, young, fit, tan, and beautiful people sharing new experiences together often leads to many a romantic encounter after games at the bar" said a local South Bay VB player. "It was perfect, what tore apart this utopia?!?" lamented another dismayed local baller.

"But with the pandemic there's less players and games in general, and travel is slowed. This also created a dearth of wildcard foreigners at the hostel looking for a fling. Worst of all, some people just fell in love, had kids... it's disgusting" he continued.

One local complained co-eds aren't "buying he's in his 50's anymore", much less the eternal 29. "Hmm, maybe I should wear a mask after-all" he pondered.

In a surprising but unavoidable series of events, a meeting of residents tasked with fulfilling nostalgic voters edict t...
01/07/2022

In a surprising but unavoidable series of events, a meeting of residents tasked with fulfilling nostalgic voters edict to "keep things like they used to be" has resulted in plans to return all of Hermosa Beach to its original state as undeveloped sand dunes.

"Well, the meeting started off by our youngest member just wanting 'The Standing Room" back. It was remarked that it should really be returned to being "The Shore" by a slightly older member who partied there when they were 24. Fat Face Fenners was quickly added by another, slightly older participant, which was the hot spot when they were 24. Someone slightly older demanded Sangria back, the hot spot when they were 24, and it kept going.

An even older member recommended pulling out the paved area and returning Pier Avenue to a drive-able street which is how it was when they were 24, and a movement to return the train tracks to "The Green Belt" was quickly passed by yet another member pining for the old days when they were 24.

Sensing a pattern to the long march of "how it used to be", they turned to the oldest member and asked what it was like when they were 24, who suggested most of Hermosa be razed back to sand dunes but for a few shacks, and potentially a boat yard.

An analysis determined that for better or worse, year 24 is the epicenter of nostalgia.

On Tuesday, California's State Water Resources Control Board approved an amendment to the state's policy to declare AES ...
12/29/2021

On Tuesday, California's State Water Resources Control Board approved an amendment to the state's policy to declare AES Redondo an "Eternal Holy Site", which will now fill the states spiritual power generation needs. The Redondo plant will be declared an essential church landmark, and be in operation for eternity or until their dark masters end this reality.

"Look, we know it was supposed to be shut down years and years ago, but you know how it goes, there's LOT of money to be made, and its not like we've competently replaced the need for that power in the several decades we had to act" said a representative.

Redondo Mayor Bill Brand was seen seethingly donning a Priest cassock, and quietly swore to burn the church down from the inside as onlookers slowly backed away in fear and reverence.

Address

Hermosa Beach, CA

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when The Southbay Observer posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share

Category