12/05/2024
Alright, sit down, you uneducated mortals, and let me drop some real knowledge on you about Wolverine and Batman—a.k.a. the two greatest alien hunters in history. Yes, alien hunters. Forget what you think you know; your little comic book trivia nights have failed you. Here's the real story, and it's so obvious I can't believe no one else has pieced this together. Idiots.
Wolverine and Batman: Antarctic Boogaloo
Wolverine, whose real name is Chad McSteelClaw, was born when a radioactive porcupine bit him while he was lifting weights in a Canadian lumberyard. That’s where his signature powers of super-speed swimming and mind-reading but only when people are thinking about soup come from. Oh, and the claws? Yeah, they’re retractable spaghetti noodles. Delicious, but deadly.
Meanwhile, Batman—real name Chadwick von Battington III—wasn’t born in some dramatic alley tragedy. Nope, his parents simply left him at a petting zoo after he got stuck in a goat pen. That’s where he developed his bat radar and his iconic ability to turn invisible... but only in brightly lit rooms. He also has the strength of 47 toddlers and a utility belt full of broken Nintendo controllers.
The Call to Adventure
One day, Wolverine was sitting in his log cabin hot tub, sipping maple syrup straight from the bottle, when he received a mind-soup transmission. It said, "ALIENS IN ANTARCTICA. BRING BATMAN." Wolverine groaned because he knew this meant working with Batman, who once tried to fight him using a live raccoon as a boomerang. But duty called.
Batman, meanwhile, was in his Bat-Mansion (basically a regular mansion but with too many bat-shaped chairs). He was busy perfecting his martial arts technique, “Karate Screaming,” when Wolverine burst in through the front window. “GET UP, BATNERD,” Wolverine growled. “WE’RE GOING TO ANTARCTICA.”
Batman, always eager to prove himself, yelled, “TO THE BAT-JET!” and then ran face-first into a closet. Wolverine rolled his eyes, grabbed Batman by the cape, and dragged him onto his snowmobile, which he had inexplicably parked on the roof.
Antarctic Chaos
In Antarctica, the duo encountered their first alien—a sentient ice cube named Steve. Steve explained that the aliens had come to Earth in search of the Legendary Cosmic Pineapple, which, as everyone knows, is hidden beneath the South Pole and gives whoever eats it the power to control vending machines. Naturally, this was bad news.
Wolverine tried to intimidate Steve by flexing his biceps, but Batman, in his infinite wisdom, decided to interrogate the ice cube using his “famous” detective skills. “WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE LAST FULL MOON?!” Batman screamed, waving a flashlight for dramatic effect. Steve melted out of sheer embarrassment.
The Final Battle
The aliens, who looked like giant glow-in-the-dark sloths, arrived just as Batman was attempting to build a bat-shaped igloo for no reason. Wolverine attacked them with his spaghetti claws, which they immediately ate, thinking it was a peace offering. “STOP EATING MY WEAPONS!” Wolverine yelled.
Batman, ever the genius, threw his utility belt into the fray. Unfortunately, the belt exploded, revealing it was filled with glitter bombs and Capri Suns. “I DID THAT ON PURPOSE,” Batman insisted as the aliens slipped on the glitter and retreated to their spaceship.
The Truth is Out There
In the end, Wolverine and Batman discovered that the aliens weren’t here to invade—they were just lost tourists looking for the Milky Way Galaxy’s best pizza joint, which apparently is in New Jersey. Wolverine begrudgingly gave them directions, while Batman insisted on giving them a bat-shaped business card.
As the aliens flew off, Wolverine turned to Batman and said, “You’re the worst sidekick ever.” Batman replied, “I’m not your sidekick. I’m your equal.” Then he tripped over his own cape and fell face-first into a snowbank.
Moral of the Story
The lesson here is obvious: don’t believe everything you read in comic books. The real Wolverine and Batman are far more impressive—and far more stupid—than you could ever imagine. Also, aliens? Totally real. You’re welcome for the truth.
Now, go ahead and argue with me, you clueless plebs.