12/02/2023
COMMUNITY
First of all... I am not writing this for personal pity. No one owes me anything. I am responsible for my own happiness and well being. That said... we are also a community that claims to have a sense of responsibility for one another. I participate in that. I share. I support. I try to show my appreciation as a person with disabilities, who often needs assistance in Public Places and Spaces.
My battle is my own... to stay relevant. To be involved. To feel like a valuable member of the group. But I seem to have some Social Issues that I think may be important to address. These issues are mine. But they are issues that I share with others who may struggle with the same concerns that I struggle with such as.... Number one: a Disabled Combat Veteran. There are many of us in this community. And number two: A Non-Ambulatory Amputee. As a Vietnam Veteran who saw Combat... I thank God that I never Killed another human being... I have been shot at. Fought in hand to hand combat. And chose not to kill when the opportunity was there. I was in two explosions and almost drowned twice... in one day. I saw my best friend blown to bits before my very eyes and I know what its like to have blood and guts all over your face and hands. I know the smell. I know the taste. And I have lived through it all. The most difficult aspect of my survival, was not the war. It was in coming home to the Indifference, the Fake, the Ignorance, the Insincerity, the Misplaced Desires, Warped Values and Absolute Insanity... of Society. An average of Twenty-Plus Combat Veterans fall every day in the US... to an Abject Government and a Dissociative, Depersonalized Society.
I don't expect my friends and family to Love me. They don't know how. As long as they Respect me. And when I express the Love that I have for a particular kindness, or consideration... it most often seems dismissed... or in the case of some women... taken as sexual innuendo. Another complication of life is when you are unable to express your true emotions without being misunderstood. And when that Veteran commits Su***de, no one pays much attention, but they feel so good, thanking us for our service. You are not thanking me for my Service. You (plural you) don't actually care. If you did, Veterans would have better care. You are thanking me, because I was willing to put my life on the line, for people who don't really and truly give a tinker's damn about me, nor what I go through on a daily basis, just to be here. Just to try and be social, to find a niche of so called Normality. You are thanking me, because once you hated me, for atrocities beyond my control. You thank me because you were wrong about me, but you (plural you) as a Society, as a People... have never held the true villain accountable.
Friends, Family and Loved Ones attack that Normality on a daily basis. Without knowing, without thinking, without intentionality... they are the ones who provide the feelings of being... Left Out, Misunderstood, Without Value, or Worth. So, we decide not to care, not to expect Validation, Care or Concern. You don't receive Certain Invitations. You get left out of Photos. People look at you strangely, when you try to be friendly, so maybe we just stop trying to be friendly.
I don't need to go into detail to present to you how persons in a Wheelchair could experience many of these same feelings. Invisibility... on one hand... and people being overly Intentional... to the point of being clearly Fake about having any real concern for you. Once you are out of sight, you are out of mind. They don't visit. They don't invite you out. Unless they want something from you. They are unwilling to share any Emotional Collateral, with you concerning the things that carry the most weight with you. Someone might say... Well, this is just normal society that everyone deals with. No it is not. Normal is inclusive. Normal is available. Normal is invested. Normal is companionship. Normal is outreaching. For me and others in my situation.... these attributes are Abnormal. Invisibility is normal. Isolation is normal. Unavailability is normal. Devaluation is normal. Lack of social interaction is normal. Lack of access is normal. If you think you are unable to make a difference, you are wrong.
But here is what I have personally found. Even as I experience all of these things and struggle with them... God provides me with someone... for a moment... who cuts through the fog and delivers... in that moment... a kindness, a thoughtfulness, a nearness, a hug... even a kiss... that nurtures my humanity and feeds my strength of will, to continue. Sometimes it is even a child. In these new moments where-in I am returning to society, making my presence known, despite the negatives I face, I have learned not to expect others to understand my depth of appreciation for their kindnesses. Not to assume that expressions of love towards me, can be reciprocated without sexuality being assigned to mine. Even when I have expressed that my Love for people exists on a Spiritual Plane, most people are just not able to comprehend Love... absent of carnality. They don't understand what I mean when I say that my Man, has been a dead man... for many years. I have not met the woman who is Spiritual enough, Sensual enough, Intellectual enough, Knowing enough...to resurrect the dead man that I am and have been for so long. I have no desire for what might be in the panties of the women around me... for more reasons than one.
They have sometimes told me, “Don't take their kindness for flirtations.” I tell them, “Don't take my Love... for sexual innuendo.” If I say that any person's kindness has nurtured me, given me something to embrace, in a moment that my heart and soul is able to receive and embrace.... that is not an application for a sexual encounter. It is an expression of how much it means to me... just to be seen. Sorry if your relationship with reality does not permit you to accept Love, above carnal implications. But, I am not even physically able... to respond to such social insanity.
So, if you are a person who has shown care for me, expressed love for me, shared a moment of social intimacy with me, bought me a drink, brought me a plate of food, sat down at my table and spoken to me, taken a photo with me, shaken my hand and smiled at me... Know this. My happiness is my responsibility alone, but your acts of Love, Kindness, Care and/or Concern, are attributes that can help a person like me, see another day. But I have learned not to expect you to understand, nor even fully comprehend... your responsibility for that. May God bless you and yours... and I thank you for helping me... to still be here. WilliaWilliam C Scott II