https://wayne-county-wire.printify.me/products

Wayne County Wire, Detroit, MI (2025)

02/12/2025

As a powerful winter storm barrels toward the Motor City, meteorologists are warning residents to prepare for what some are calling an “absolutely massive” amount of snow—an intimidating 4 to 6 inches.

Snow is expected to begin falling Wednesday, with the heaviest accumulation between 3 PM and 9 PM, just in time to ruin evening commutes and force Detroiters to question their life choices.

City officials held a press conference Tuesday morning, urging citizens to take the impending snowfall seriously. “I know some people may scoff at 4 to 6 inches, but let me assure you—it’s a lot,” said Detroit Emergency Management Director Mike Rotch. “It might not sound impressive to everyone, but when you’re out there dealing with it firsthand, you’ll feel every inch of it.”

The National Weather Service has cautioned that even though the storm isn’t expected to break records, conditions could quickly become overwhelming. “People always think they can handle 4 to 6 inches without a problem, but when it actually comes down, they start panicking,” said NWS meteorologist Jenna Tolls. “Trust me, it’s more than enough to ruin your day.”

Local resident Drew Peacock echoed the concerns, stating that Detroiters shouldn’t underestimate what’s coming. “People love to act like 4 to 6 inches isn’t much, but when you wake up and see it all over your driveway, suddenly it’s a huge deal. I’ve had to call for help before, and it’s honestly kind of embarrassing.”

Meanwhile, plow drivers are preparing for an all-night battle. “Yeah, it may not sound impressive on paper, but when you’re out there pushing through it, 4 to 6 inches can be exhausting,” said city snowplow operator Jack Mehoff. “It’s a lot to take in all at once.”

Experts recommend stocking up on supplies, keeping an emergency kit in vehicles, and remembering that, no matter what some may claim, 4 to 6 inches is definitely something to worry about.

02/02/2025

Detroit became the center of a scientific investigation when former “MythBusters” hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman arrived to settle the debate surrounding rapper Dank Demoss and her lawsuit against Lyft. The dispute began when a Lyft driver refused her ride, claiming she wouldn’t fit in the vehicle. With the city watching, the “MythBusters” team set out to determine whether the driver’s concerns held any scientific merit.

To replicate the conditions of the incident, the team acquired the same model of Mercedes-Benz sedan used in the original ride request. Using advanced measurement tools and weight distribution models, they conducted a series of tests to evaluate space, suspension integrity, and overall ride functionality. The first test involved placing a life-sized model into the vehicle to assess whether there was enough room for a passenger of similar size. The door closed without issue, and seatbelt functionality remained intact.

Next, they examined the vehicle’s suspension and handling under simulated driving conditions. With added weight, the car experienced some strain, but its ability to operate safely remained within normal limits. Acceleration and braking were tested under controlled conditions, with results showing no significant performance issues.

After reviewing all collected data, the “MythBusters” team reached their conclusion: the claim that the car could not accommodate the passenger was scientifically unfounded. While the ride may not have been the most comfortable for the driver or passenger, the vehicle itself was more than capable of completing the trip without mechanical failure or safety concerns.

The findings sparked conversation among Detroit residents. Local mechanic Hugh Jass weighed in, saying, “I’ve seen cars carry way heavier loads than one person. If your suspension can’t handle a passenger, you’ve got bigger problems than weight distribution.” Others, like Lyft driver Connie Linguist, had a different take. “I get why the driver was concerned—some of these smaller cars don’t feel sturdy even with just me in them. But if Lyft says the ride should’ve happened, then that’s that.”

With another mystery solved, the “MythBusters”packed up their equipment and left Detroit, already considering their next local experiment: whether coney dogs really taste better at 2 a.m.

01/31/2025

With Senator Gary Peters announcing he will not seek reelection, an unexpected name has emerged in the race to represent Michigan in the U.S. Senate: hip-hop legend, reality TV star, and walking timepiece Flavor Flav.

Political insiders say Flav, best known for his role in Public Enemy and his hit reality show “Flavor of Love”, sees the Senate race as his latest competition—except this time, instead of handing out clocks to women, he’ll be handing out policies to voters. His rumored platform includes replacing Senate filibusters with freestyle rap battles, enforcing a 24-hour workweek in honor of his rap group, and ensuring that every piece of legislation “gets a proper hype man.”

Critics question his ability to lead, but supporters point out that he already has experience managing chaos, citing his time wrangling contestants on “Flavor of Love”. If elected, Flav reportedly plans to choose his Senate staff through a televised reality-style competition called “Cabinet of Love”, where finalists will be judged on loyalty, political savvy, and their ability to handle a clock nearly half their body weight.

Political analyst Lou Bricant weighed in on the potential campaign. “Look, after Kid Rock almost ran, nothing surprises me. Plus, Congress could use someone who understands drama, wild debates, and strategically placed bleeped-out words.”

Campaign slogans being floated include “It’s Time for Change” and “Yeahhh Boyeeee for Michigan.” If victorious, Flav would become the first senator in U.S. history to deliver speeches wearing a clock larger than the official Senate seal.

More to come as this story develops.

01/30/2025

In a bold new chapter for downriver retail, Southland Center has announced that its new flagship store will be none other than a regular, standard, nothing-out-of-the-ordinary Dollar General.

The Illinois-based investment group that purchased the mall in December confirmed that despite its sprawling 900,000-square-foot layout, the new centerpiece of Southland’s shopping experience will be the same size as any other Dollar General found on the side of a rural highway or across from a gas station.

“We looked at big-name retailers, department stores, even an indoor go-kart track, and then we thought—why not a completely average Dollar General?” said lead developer Mike Coxlong. “People love Dollar General. They love its unpredictability. You walk in for a can of soup and walk out with a pool noodle, some expired hand sanitizer, and a T-shirt that just says ‘BEER.’ We’re bringing that excitement to Southland.”

Other stores will remain in the mall, but all will now be living in the shadow of Taylor’s new retail king. Once anchored by high-profile department stores like JCPenney and Macy’s, Southland will now proudly tout a mid-sized discount chain with a questionable inventory system and one employee working at any given time.

While some residents were surprised by the decision, others embraced the change. “Look, this mall has been on life support for years,” said Taylor local Phil McCracken. “If a normal-sized Dollar General is what’s gonna keep it alive, I say let’s lean into it. Make it the nicest damn Dollar General anyone’s ever seen. Give it a food court. A Ferris wheel. A VIP section.”

Despite the buzz, some shoppers remain skeptical. “I don’t get it,” said longtime Southland visitor Tess Tickle. “Are they gonna use the whole mall space, or just keep it the size of a normal Dollar General?”

Coxlong confirmed that the store will remain its usual dimensions, while the rest of the mall will continue to operate as is. “We thought about making it a bigger Dollar General,” he admitted, “but that would have been excessive.”

The new Southland Dollar General is set to open later this year, bringing with it all the essentials—off-brand soda, slightly unsettling toys, and a checkout line that moves at the speed of erosion.

01/26/2025

A coney war of epic proportions has erupted in downtown Detroit, as Lafayette Coney Island has closed its doors for the second time in its history due to a rat infestation. This time, however, all eyes are on their longtime rival, American Coney Island, with allegations of rodent sabotage.

The drama unfolded earlier this week when health inspectors shut down Lafayette, citing "a concerning number of rats appearing to congregate in suspiciously strategic locations." Witnesses claim the rodents looked oddly organized, with some reportedly forming single-file lines near the chili pots.

While Lafayette hasn’t had a history of cleanliness issues—this is only the second time in their decades-long run they’ve closed for such a problem—the timing has raised eyebrows. "This isn’t a coincidence," said Lafayette manager Hugh Jass. "Every time we start pulling ahead, something like this happens. First, it was American spreading rumors about our chili, and now it’s rats? They’re scared of us."

American Coney Island denies any involvement. "It’s absurd to suggest we’d stoop to such low tactics," said manager Lou Bricant. "Our focus is on serving quality food and creating a welcoming environment. If Lafayette has a rat problem, they need to take responsibility."

But Lafayette loyalists aren’t buying it. "Lafayette is the real deal," said longtime customer Betty Humpter. "Rats or no rats, people know the flavor here is unbeatable. American wishes they had what Lafayette does—so maybe they’re trying to take them out."

Despite the closure, Lafayette fans have made it clear they won’t be deterred. Crowds gathered outside the shuttered restaurant, some even leaving notes of support taped to the doors. One read, “Rats can’t stop greatness,” while another stated, “Still better than American.”

Health officials are investigating the matter but haven’t ruled out foul play. One anonymous source claims to have seen individuals in American uniforms dropping breadcrumbs near Lafayette’s back door.

Meanwhile, American Coney Island has leaned into the controversy, offering their coney dogs to anyone who “needs a rat-free dining experience.” Their bold new slogan, “No Rats, Just Dogs,” has sparked outrage among Lafayette fans, many of whom see it as an insult to their preferred institution.

Even so, Lafayette’s reputation seems unshaken. "People don’t care about a few rats," said Drew Peacock, another loyal customer. "It’s Detroit—we’ve seen worse. When they reopen, the line will be out the door again. American can’t touch them, no matter how many rodents they send over."

For now, Lafayette remains closed, but their message to American is clear: "Nice try. We’ll be back." The city waits with bated breath—and chili fries—for the next chapter in Detroit’s iconic coney war.

01/25/2025

In what many are calling a historic move for Detroit’s labor movement, the rats of Lafayette Coney Island have officially unionized following the diner’s second shutdown due to their “unauthorized presence.” The newly formed United Rodents of Detroit (URD) announced their list of demands early this evening, sparking heated debate across the city.

“For years, we’ve been an integral part of the Lafayette experience,” said union leader Ratthew McCheddar while perched atop a ketchup bottle. “We work tirelessly behind the scenes—clearing tables, taste-testing chili, even providing after-hours entertainment. And what do we get in return? A broom and a health inspector. It’s dehumanizing.”

The union is pushing for improved conditions, including fair access to chili scraps, sanitized napkin nests, and the installation of a designated rat entrance to cut down on unnecessary scurrying through the dining room. They also want management to address the roach infestation in the breakroom.

While management has yet to respond formally, one spokesperson, Holden Hiscock, called the demands “unreasonable,” adding, “The chili isn’t supposed to move before it’s served.”

Lafayette regulars are divided. “The rats are part of the nostalgia,” said customer Gabe Itches while enjoying a loose chili burger. “You can’t call it authentic Detroit without at least one rat running by.” Others, like an anonymous employee from rival American Coney Island, took the opportunity to throw shade. “We don’t have a rat problem over here. Just saying.”

The URD has promised further action if their demands aren’t met, including late-night chili raids and what McCheddar described as a “complete overthrow of the condiment counter.” Meanwhile, rumors of rats unionizing at other iconic Detroit eateries have begun to surface, signaling a potential city-wide movement.

“Lafayette is our home,” said McCheddar. “We’re not just rats; we’re Detroit rats. And we deserve better.”

Whether the rats will achieve their dream of a fair contract—or be forced to scurry into the alleys—remains to be seen. One thing is certain: the Detroit dining scene may never be the same.

01/23/2025

Detroit Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson announced on Monday his departure from the team to join the Chicago Bears as their head coach. Sources close to the situation suggest that Johnson’s creative playbook, once hailed as revolutionary, had finally run out of steam. "He gave us hope," said fan Mike Hunt. "And now he’s taking all that trick-play magic to Chicago? It’s like losing a wizard to your rival kingdom."

Lions fans, who had just started believing in the team's offense again, are devastated by the news. "We waited decades for someone to make this offense fun to watch," said lifelong fan Jenna Tolls while clutching a well-worn Barry Sanders jersey. "Now he’s gone, and we’re stuck wondering if we’ll ever see another triple-reverse touchdown pass."

Johnson’s bag of tricks helped transform the Lions’ offense from a punchline to one of the most dynamic in the league. Plays like the "Hook-and-Lateral Except Everyone’s Blindfolded" and the "Snap to the Running Back Who Actually Throws It Backwards to Jared Goff for a Hail Mary" left opposing defenses baffled and fans cheering. "That guy had more tricks than a magician," said Jenna Tolls, another Lions fan. "Now we’re back to basic plays, and honestly, I don’t know if my heart can take it."

However, insiders claim that Johnson’s creative process had started to take a toll on him. "You could tell he was burning out," said another fan, Ben Dover. "There’s only so many times you can reinvent the wheel, and now Chicago’s the one getting the benefit. Typical."

With Johnson moving on, speculation is already swirling about how the Lions will adapt. Rumors suggest that head coach Dan Campbell may implement a more straightforward approach, focusing on raw power plays rather than gimmicks. Fans remain skeptical. "We’ll see if that works, but it’s hard to imagine a Lions offense without that spark," said Jack Inghoff. "I mean, unless they’re planning to clone Ben Johnson, we’re in trouble."

In the meantime, the city of Detroit is organizing a candlelight vigil to honor the end of the "Ben Johnson Trick Play Era." Fans are encouraged to bring their trickiest snacks and most confusingly drawn play diagrams to the event. One thing is certain: the Lions faithful won’t let his departure go unnoticed, even as he dons Bears blue and orange. "It’s a betrayal," said Holden Hiscock. "But hey, if the Bears don’t appreciate him, we’ll be here to take him back. Again."

01/19/2025

What started as a Saturday evening filled with hope and Honolulu Blue pride ended in disappointment—and a trip to the ER—for one Detroit resident. Local man Buster Highman, 36, is recovering from an elbow injury sustained after dramatically jumping off the Detroit Lions bandwagon following their crushing loss to the Washington Commanders.

According to witnesses, Buster had been tailgating for hours before the game at Eastern Market, loudly proclaiming that “this is our year” and promising to get a Lions tattoo if they made the playoffs. But as the Lions fell apart in the second half, so did Buster’s faith in the team.

“I should’ve seen it coming,” Buster said from his hospital bed at Henry Ford Hospital. “The defense was letting me down, and then that missed field goal—it was like they shoved me off the bandwagon.”

But Buster didn’t wait for fate. At the game watch party at a Corktown bar, he leapt off a makeshift Lions-themed “bandwagon”—actually just a stack of beer kegs covered with a throw blanket—onto the cement patio. Witnesses say Buster yelled, “Same old Lions!” mid-jump, a phrase that is now burned into Detroit fans’ memories like a Ford Pinto recall.

Bar patron and fellow fan Drew Peacock described the scene: “Buster was flying high during the first half, literally standing on the bandwagon chugging Miller Lites and hyping up the crowd. Then after that interception, he just… gave up. The jump was theatrical, but the landing? That was rough.”

Emergency responders confirmed that Buster had sustained a minor elbow sprain and significant emotional damage.

“He’s lucky it was just his elbow,” said Dr. Ben Dover, who treated Buster in the ER. “We’ve seen worse injuries from these Lions-related meltdowns. Last season, someone broke both ankles trying to storm out of Ford Field.”

Back at home in his apartment near Greektown, Buster admitted he’s done with the Lions—at least for this week. “Every year, I try to believe. Every year, they crush me. But next weekend, if they win, I’ll be back on that wagon faster than a Coney disappears at 2 a.m.”

Experts say Buster’s injury is part of a larger phenomenon affecting Detroit sports fans. “It’s what we call Post-Hope Trauma,” said psychologist Connie Linguist. “Lions fans are stuck in an endless cycle of cautious optimism and inevitable heartbreak. It’s only natural that their bodies can’t keep up with the emotional whiplash.”

In response to the incident, Ford Field officials have announced plans to offer padded sections labeled “Lions Jump Zones” for fans who need to abandon ship mid-season. Meanwhile, local bars are encouraging patrons to stay seated and avoid any bandwagon acrobatics.

As for Buster, he’s icing his elbow and keeping his Lions jersey nearby. “I’ll never fully give up on this team,” he admitted. “But man, they’ve gotta stop throwing me around like I’m in the fourth quarter of a blowout.”

01/19/2025

The streets of Detroit were unusually quiet Saturday evening after the Lions’ crushing loss to the Washington Commanders, ending any hope for a long-awaited Super Bowl appearance. In response, the city announced that Monday would be recognized as an official Day of Mourning, allowing fans the time and space to grieve what officials are calling “a heartbreak that only Detroiters can truly understand.”

“Detroit stands with our Lions fans during this difficult time,” said Mike Rotch, spokesperson for the city. “We know how much this team means to the people, and we recognize that this loss isn’t just about football—it’s about a dream slipping through our fingers once again. Take Monday to process, cry, and remember that pain is a Detroit tradition.”

Throughout the city, fans were seen visibly mourning. A group gathered outside Ford Field to light candles and lay offerings, including Lions jerseys, beer cans, and handwritten notes reading, “We believed” and “Why do we do this to ourselves every year?” Some clutched posters of Barry Sanders, hoping his aura of greatness might somehow bring them comfort.

“This was supposed to be different,” sobbed longtime fan Holden Hiscock as he clutched his vintage Lions foam finger. “I told myself I wouldn’t get my hopes up, but I bought playoff tickets. Non-refundable. What do I even do now?”

The city’s bars and restaurants also reflected the somber mood, offering “Grief Specials” to help ease the collective pain. A local bar reported a record low number of nachos consumed during the game’s final quarter. “Usually, people eat their feelings,” said bartender Ben Dover, “but tonight, they just stared blankly at their plates. One guy whispered, ‘Not again,’ before leaving without paying his tab.”

Mental health professionals are preparing for what they call the Post-Lions-Loss Depression Syndrome (PLLDS) season, an annual spike in calls from fans experiencing emotional fallout. “We’re already seeing symptoms,” said Dr. Haywood Jablowme, a Detroit-based sports psychologist. “People are calling in with feelings of hopelessness, aimlessly scrolling through old highlight reels, and muttering phrases like, ‘At least we beat the Packers.’”

Local businesses are also stepping up to provide emotional support. Coffee shops are offering free cups of “Disappointment Brew” for fans wearing Lions gear, while bakeries have rolled out a new line of cakes with phrases like “Almost Counts for Nothing” and “We’ll Get ‘Em Next Year (Probably Not).”

Despite the grief, some fans tried to find solace in familiar rituals. One man, visibly emotional, tossed his season tickets into the Detroit River while chanting, “Never again!” only to fish them out moments later, saying, “Okay, fine, maybe next year.”

At press time, the city spokesperson encouraged residents to take the time they need to heal. “Detroit is resilient. We’ve bounced back from losses like this before, and we’ll do it again. Until then, let’s come together, cry together, and maybe stop saying ‘This is our year’ until it actually happens.”

01/13/2025

The North American International Auto Show was met with unexpected resistance today as hundreds of Dearborn residents staged a peaceful protest at the Stellantis display, demanding the return of the discontinued Chrysler 300 sedan.

The crowd, led by local resident Suq Maddiq, arrived in a convoy of gleaming Chrysler 300s, forming an impressive line outside Huntington Place. Holding signs with slogans like “Bring Back the Boss Sedan” and “The People’s Luxury Car,” the group made their message loud and clear: Detroit isn’t done with the 300.

“For many of us, this car is more than just transportation,” Maddiq said. “It’s a status symbol, a way to show pride in what we’ve earned and where we come from. Nothing else on the market can replace that feeling.”

Known for its bold design and powerful engine options, the Chrysler 300 was discontinued in 2023, leaving a void that many say Stellantis has failed to fill. The car became a staple in the community, symbolizing style, success, and individuality, while still being practical and affordable.

As Stellantis unveiled their newest electric vehicles, the protesters stood firm, distributing flyers that called on the automaker to reconsider its priorities. “We’re not anti-EV,” one flyer read, “but we need something that represents us. The Chrysler 300 is that car.”

Although Stellantis executives declined to comment on the protest, insiders suggest the company is unlikely to revive the sedan. Despite this, the protesters remain undeterred, with plans to escalate their efforts.

Local police confirmed the protest was peaceful and no arrests were made, but the presence of so many 300s lining the streets of downtown Detroit ensured the message was impossible to ignore.

01/12/2025

At the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, Chrysler, a brand under Stellantis, has officially unveiled the much-anticipated return of the iconic PT Cruiser, this time as an electric vehicle. The PT Cruiser EV: Retro Recharged Edition takes the quirky design that made the original car a cultural touchstone and reimagines it for the electric era. With a 300-mile range and eco-friendly technology, the PT Cruiser EV aims to become a bold new player in the electric vehicle market while offering a nostalgic nod to the past.

“We’re bringing back the PT Cruiser in a way that’s more relevant than ever,” said Lou Sasshole, Chrysler’s head of design. “This is a car that made an impact back in the day, and now it’s ready to leave its mark in a new, sustainable way. The PT Cruiser EV isn’t just a car, it’s a statement about where the automotive industry is headed.”

The new PT Cruiser EV retains the distinctive design elements that made the original a head-turner, but with modern updates to improve both functionality and performance. The vehicle features a sleek, aerodynamic body with rounded edges, and it incorporates LED headlights, a long-range electric powertrain, and a host of customizable options.

“We’ve made the PT Cruiser more than just a way to get from point A to point B,” Sasshole continued. “It’s about capturing that sense of fun and individuality while also offering cutting-edge electric technology. The PT Cruiser EV offers something truly unique in a world full of look-alike electric vehicles.”

One standout feature of the PT Cruiser EV is its customizable sound generator, allowing owners to select everything from subtle engine-like sounds to quirky, fun noises like a kazoo or a choir of virtual carolers. It’s a playful addition, emphasizing the car’s retro-chic vibe while adding a modern twist.

The PT Cruiser EV is also equipped with neon underglow lighting, paying homage to the early 2000s street racing scene, but now with the benefit of energy-efficient LED technology. Additionally, Chrysler has introduced flame decals as an optional feature for those who want to add a little extra flair to their electric ride.

Despite its unique design, Chrysler is confident that the PT Cruiser EV will have broad appeal. “We’re seeing overwhelming demand already,” said Chrysler spokesperson Dick Trickle. “It’s attracting millennials who are nostalgic for the PT Cruiser’s original charm, while also drawing in Gen Z, who love the irony of driving a car that’s both retro and forward-thinking. And, of course, we’ve got buyers who are passionate about electric vehicles and want something that stands out from the crowd.”

Indeed, social media erupted with excitement after the announcement. Many users posted memes and reactions, expressing enthusiasm for the PT Cruiser’s comeback. “I can’t believe the PT Cruiser is back, but this time it’s electric? Count me in,” tweeted one user. “It’s the car I never knew I needed until now.”

Automotive analysts are also intrigued by Chrysler’s bold move. “The PT Cruiser was always a polarizing car, but it’s clear that Chrysler is tapping into something bigger here,” said industry expert Harry Wiener. “They’re offering a product that appeals to both nostalgic buyers and environmentally conscious consumers looking for something different from the usual EV options. It’s a smart move.”

Chrysler is also offering a Cruiser Club Membership to PT Cruiser EV owners, creating a community of like-minded enthusiasts who can share their experiences, trade tips, and even poke fun at the car’s distinctive look.

“By creating a sense of community around this vehicle, we’re making the PT Cruiser EV more than just a car,” said Trickle. “It’s a lifestyle choice for people who embrace individuality and enjoy the ride—not just the destination.”

With a starting price of $39,999, the PT Cruiser EV will hit showrooms in early 2025. Chrysler expects the demand to be so high that customers may need to wait several months before they can get their hands on one.

“We know that the PT Cruiser EV will stand out in a crowded market,” said Stellantis representative Dixon Yass. “It’s a car that’s built for the future while embracing the past. Whether you’re drawn to its unique style or its environmental benefits, there’s no denying that the PT Cruiser EV is going to make a major impact.”

Will you be driving the PT Cruiser EV: Retro Recharged Edition in 2025? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!

12/31/2024

The Detroit Lions’ thrilling 40-34 victory over the San Francisco 49ers last night was about more than just the score—it was about Jake Bates, the backup kicker, whose undeniable handsomeness and unparalleled stretching technique proved to be the real game-changer.

Up 31-28 as the fourth quarter began, the Lions were poised to extend their lead. But there was a catch—Bates, who was set to help with extra points and potential field goals, was dealing with a minor injury. While the medical staff worked on him, Bates took to the sidelines to stretch, a moment that would forever alter the course of the game.

ESPN’s cameras caught him in a pose that could only be described as “distractingly beautiful.” Lying on his side with his perfectly sculpted jawline and muscles rippling in the spotlight, Bates stretched his leg out in a way that made it impossible for anyone—fans or players—to look away. Even announcer Joe Buck couldn't hide his shock, remarking that Bates looked more like he was starring in a romantic drama than preparing for a field goal attempt.

While the Lions’ offense remained focused, the 49ers’ defense couldn’t keep their eyes off Bates. “It was impossible to concentrate,” said Ben Dover, a 49ers fan. “Every time I looked at the field, there was Bates, looking like he should be on a magazine cover, not stretching on the sidelines. How are you supposed to stop a team when you can’t even stop staring at their kicker?”

The distraction didn’t stop there. 49ers kicker Jake Moody, known for his typically focused performance all season, completely missed two crucial field goals after seeing Bates’ seductive stretching routine. “He couldn’t kick straight,” admitted 49ers representative Mike Hunt, though he didn’t need to say more. It was clear to everyone watching: Jake Bates was in his head.

The memes flooded in almost instantly, with one fan, Jenn Nittles, posting, “Jake Bates’ stretch was the real MVP of the game. How do you focus on football when perfection is on the sidelines?” Another fan, Craven Moorehead, posted a picture of Bates with the caption, “When you’re so handsome, the other team forgets how to play football.”

49ers fans, although disappointed, couldn’t help but admit the effect Bates had on their team. “It was like Bates had some kind of magnetic field,” said Rusty Cox, a long-time 49ers supporter. “The 49ers were frozen in place, helpless against his beauty. And when your kicker’s missing because he’s distracted by a guy on the sidelines, you know you’ve lost.”

While the Lions extended their lead and ultimately secured the win, it was clear that the real story of the night wasn’t the football game—it was Jake Bates’ ability to completely derail the 49ers’ focus with nothing more than his perfect posture and those devastatingly good looks.

As the Lions celebrated, Bates, oblivious to the havoc he caused, was seen casually stretching again—this time, the 49ers weren’t even on the field to be distracted. Lions fans are already calling for Bates to make his sideline stretches a regular part of the game plan, with one fan, Gabe Bitch, saying, “Forget field goals—just keep Bates on the sidelines. The opposing team can’t handle it.”

In a season where every little edge counts, it seems the Lions have found their secret weapon: the most distractingly handsome kicker in the NFL.

Wayne County Wire

02/12/2025

02/02/2025

01/31/2025

01/30/2025

01/26/2025

01/25/2025

01/23/2025

01/19/2025

01/19/2025

01/13/2025

01/12/2025

12/31/2024

Address

Website

Alerts

Contact The Business

Videos

Shout out to Dave and Chuck the Freak for covering our Heelys story 😉

Shortcuts

Share

Category