02/20/2024
KING SOOPERS GM: "WE'RE NOT JUST SELLING GROCERIES; WE'RE TRAINING WARRIORS"
The Reunion Wren:
Today, we're sitting down with Katie Watson, General Manager of the 104th Ave King Soopers. Katie, thank you for joining us.
Katie Watson:
Oh, the pleasure is all mine. It's not every day I get to share the joys of customer disdain with the public.
Wren:
Let's dive right in. It's no secret that your store has a reputation for never having enough lanes open. Some might say it's as if you hate your customers. Your thoughts?
Watson:
Hate is such a strong word. I prefer 'could do without' or 'actively avoid pleasing.' You see, we at King Soopers believe in fostering self-sufficiency. If we were to open more lanes, it would just encourage dependency. We're all about building character.
Wren:
Fascinating. So, it's a philosophical stance, then?
Watson:
Absolutely. Each minute spent in line is a minute of introspection, an opportunity to contemplate one's life choices. Like, 'Why am I here again?' or 'Should I have just ordered groceries online?'
Wren:
Some might argue that this approach is bad for business. How do you respond to that?
Watson:
On the contrary, it's great for business. Our sales in magazines and candy bars have skyrocketed. There's nothing like a captive audience. Plus, the longer people wait, the more they buy just to justify the wait. It's psychology 101.
Wren:
What about the competition? Other stores are making efforts to reduce wait times.
Watson:
Let them. While they race to the bottom with efficiency and "customer satisfaction", we're cornering the market on endurance shoppers. Our customers are the most patient, hardened by adversity. We're not just selling groceries; we're training warriors.
Wren:
Do you have any plans to change your approach in the future?
Watson:
Oh, we have big plans. We're considering removing checkout lanes altogether. Imagine the thrill of the hunt as customers forage for the one cashier hidden somewhere in the store. We think it'll be a game-changer.
Wren:
That's certainly an innovative strategy. Any final words for your customers?
Watson:
Yes, thank you for your unending patience and low standards. Remember, every visit to King Soopers is a test of will, and you're passing with flying colors. See you in line!
Wren:
Thank you, Katie, for this enlightening conversation.
Watson:
The pleasure was all mine. Really, I mean it.
