Limestone Ledger

11/20/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A storied playhouse is promoting a ticket raffle for a chance to sit next to a Congresswoman who recently made news as an eager exhibitionist at a sold out Colorado theater. Lauren Boebert has represented the Colorado residents of US House District Three since 2021. She has been a controversial figure, often using inflammatory and divisive rhetoric and refusing to pass legislation in favor of partisan gamesmanship....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A storied playhouse is promoting a ticket raffle for a chance to sit next to a Congresswoman who recently made news as an eager expeditionist at a sold out Colorado theater.…

11/20/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - In preparation for an inevitably contentious family Thanksgiving, an IU student has compiled a list of devastating insults to hurl at anyone who dare comment on first semester college weight gain. Bradley Jackson has spent the last month scouring the dark web for the dirtiest private intelligence on uncles, aunts, and cousins to defend against off-handed jokes about his current physical state....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – In preparation for an inevitably contentious family Thanksgiving, an IU student has compiled a list of devastating insults to hurl at anyone who dare comment on first semest…

11/15/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A spontaneous group dance that appeared to be miraculously perfect in its synchronized choreography is now accused of being fraudulent. The iconic Indiana University Sample Gates was the site of a sudden and seemingly organic outburst of joyful song and dance. Students and faculty alike unexpectedly sprang into a flawlessly harmonized routine that stopped onlookers in their paths and left the audience gobsmacked at an apparent act of God....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A spontaneous group dance that appeared to be miraculously perfect in its synchronized choreography is now accused of being fraudulent. The iconic Indiana University Sample …

11/15/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A ruling has been issued by College Mall officials admonishing behavior from a serial complainer and levying substantial penalties. Simon Mall administrators voted to hold Jennifer Baker in contempt of the food court after several dramatic outbursts left mall patrons and staff shocked and uneasy. “Ms. Baker has become an intolerable nuisance,” said mall official Harry Jones. “Because shoppers have complained on numerous occasions, we had no choice but to ban her from College Mall grounds indefinitely.”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A ruling has been issued by College Mall officials admonishing behavior from a serial complainer and levying substantial penalties. Simon Mall administrators voted to hold J…

11/14/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Law enforcement has deployed a commonly used mobile app to monitor locals who are statistically prone to violence. The Bloomington Police Department is now using the popular Nextdoor app to locate and surveil community members with ample idle time that allows for obsessive scrutiny of neighborhood activity. The app gives users the ability to track street and sidewalk traffic and author posts about suspicious travel patterns of unfamiliar individuals that may be up to no good....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Law enforcement has deployed a commonly used mobile app to monitor locals who are statistically prone to violence. The Bloomington Police Department is now using the popular…

11/14/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - The city celebrated a true original as a new and exciting restaurant opened its doors. Cooters is the first in the nation bottomless bar and grill. The staff bare it all as guests are treated to the sights of booties and cooties. “It’s an awesome place,” said diner Garrett Few. “The girls are top notch and really ham it up for the tips.”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – The city celebrated a true original as a new and exciting restaurant opened it doors. Cooters is the first in the nation bottomless bar and grill. The staff bare it all as g…

11/10/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - An unruly three year old nearly ruined dinner for his family and all in the restaurant as he mowed down each item on the table like a uniquely skilled mercenary. Little Theo Harris was a terrifying combination of tired and hungry when his family entered the College Mall Applebee’s. His parents insisted on dragging him from store to store as they got an early start on holiday shopping....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – An unruly three year old nearly ruined dinner for his family and all in the restaurant as he mowed down each item on the table like a uniquely skilled mercenary. Little Theo…

11/08/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - The luminescent glow of base lit paraffin wax filled a dark room where a struggling lover failed to remove the final impediment to unbridled intimacy. Aaron Hewett oft deploys a lava lamp with its disco blue hue to set the mood in the event of potential heavy petting, or even coitus. On occasion, the vintage light source will illuminate fruitless attempts to unclasp a bra as he reaches around and frantically wrestles with the clamps....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – The luminescent glow of base lit paraffin wax filled a dark room where a struggling lover failed to remove the final impediment to unbridled intimacy. Aaron Hewett oft deplo…

11/08/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A timeless dorm room tactic used as a do not disturb measure is now being utilized to watch a classic coming of age show in total privacy. A sock hung on a door handle was historically meant to signal to passers by that there is hot and heavy activity taking place in the room that requires no interruption....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A timeless dorm room tactic used as a do not disturb measure is now being utilized to watch a classic coming of age show in total privacy. A sock hung on a door handle was h…

11/07/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - The city and campus have gone radio silent as compromising videos and pictures are captured in preparation for the biggest online sales day of the year. The website OnlyFans has provided millions of users with steady income through the sale of subscriptions to exclusive content, which is often suggestive and s*xual in nature. Bloomington and Indiana University are home to thousands of young people who are used to freelancing and second jobs to finance school and their active social lives....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – The city and campus have gone radio silent as compromising videos and pictures are captured in preparation for the biggest online sales day of the year. The website OnlyFans…

11/07/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - It was a violent day at the Switchyard Park Pavilion as shoppers trampled one another as they fought to take advantage of a season kick-off sale. Bloomington Winter Farmers’ Market vendors offered buy one get one free for all items to boost interest in the annual grand opening of the indoor goods exchange. The market features local meats, produce, and plants along with hosting artists for live music and crafting....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a violent day at the Switchyard Park Pavilion as shoppers trampled one another as they fought to take advantage of a season kick-off sale. Bloomington Winter Farmers’…

11/06/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - An IU Sophomore intends to preempt the performative niceties of family Thanksgiving and jump right into the annual political bomb throwing...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – An IU Sophomore intends to preempt the performative niceties of family Thanksgiving and jump right into the annual political bomb throwing. Braden Armstrong has decided to d…

11/03/2023

The holiday season means sellout shows for the Bloomington born a ca****la super group Straight No Chaser. Take another look at the more trying times for the talented crooners.

NEW YORK, NY – VH1 is set to air a Behind the Music episode that focuses on the stunning excesses of popular Bloomington-based a capella group, Straight No Chaser. Straight No Chaser started …

11/02/2023

ENGLEWOOD, CO - He was a weight loss icon, now he sits in a federal prison. Jared Fogle longs for the days when he was a grotesquely overweight nobody. Jared Fogle was a household name when Subway mounted an advertising campaign that credited a daily diet of their subs with getting him from morbidly, disgustingly obese to normal American chubby....

ENGLEWOOD, CO – He was a weight loss iconic, now he sits in a federal prison. Jared Fogle longs for the days when he was a grotesquely overweight nobody. Jared Fogle was a household name when…

11/02/2023

Johnny is heading out on tour so there’s plenty of Mellencamp news out there. Re-upping this exclusive piece in honor of a Southern Indiana legend.

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Famed rocker John Mellencamp is speaking out about his breakup with actress Meg Ryan. Mellencamp sat down for an interview with Rolling Stone and criticized Ryan’s role in t…

11/02/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - An 8 year old child was inexplicably given a phone with all available bells and whistles that clearly exceeds his youthful needs and underdeveloped mental capacity. Ashton Cline received the Samsung Galaxy Z Fold5 in Phantom Black from his parents who obviously have more money than sense. The phone retails for around $2,000 and comes standard with a 1TB hard drive, industry leading camera resolution, and an ultrasonic fingerprint scanner....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – An 8 year old child was inexplicably given a phone with all available bells and whistles that clearly exceed his youthful needs and underdeveloped mental capacity. Ashton Cl…

11/02/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Thousands of supporters of legendary coach Bobby Knight raced to Assembly Hall to huck chairs in his memory. Knight passed away at the age of 83. His storied career as the IU Men’s Basketball coach included delivering three National Championships and an Olympic Gold Medal. The larger than life figure was also infamous for his antics in a home game against arch rival Purdue....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Thousands of supporters of legendary coach Bobby Knight raced to Assembly Hall to huck chairs in his memory. Knight passed away at the age of 83. His storied career as the I…

11/01/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - City officials have agreed on terms for an aid package intended to address the increasingly concerning conditions in Gosport. Gosport has seen systemic poverty and blight continue to increase at a pace that has nearby cities and counties alarmed about the issues spreading beyond the town limits. Council President Sue Sgambelluri announced the passage of the robust assistance....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – City officials have agreed on terms for an aid package intended to address the increasingly concerning conditions in Gosport. Gosport has seen systemic poverty and blight co…

11/01/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A cat was attempting to cross the road when it was struck and killed by a 2018 Chevrolet Silverado. The black cat was on its way to cross paths of Halloween revelers to carry out the responsibility of imparting onto the unwitting targets years of bad luck. “Yeah, it was pretty bad,” said witness Raymond Radford. “Little guy was definitely in his element and didn’t even see the truck coming.”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A cat was attempting to cross the road when it was struck and killed by a 2018 Chevrolet Silverado. The black cat was on its way to cross paths of Halloween revelers to carr…

10/31/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - IU professor and prolific cigarette smoker will allow students to smoke so long as there is enough to share. History professor Samuel Felt has a unique classroom policy. His classroom is not a ‘no smoking’ environment if the student asking also brought more for other smokers. “I don’t want to be here any more than they do,” said Felt....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – IU professor and prolific cigarette smoker will allow students to smoke so long as there is enough to share. History professor Samuel Felt has a unique classroom policy. His…

10/31/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A former general manager at the now closed Denny’s has written a spicy memoir about her time with the company. Dina Nassim managed the popular family-style restaurant for five years before the company made an abrupt decision to close. All employees lost their jobs. “It was a tragedy really,” said Nassim. “That place was our world, and it was stolen from us by corporate greed.”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A former general manager at the now closed Denny’s has written a spicy memoir about her time with the company. Dina Nassim managed the popular family-style for five years be…

10/30/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Wait times at the CVS MinuteClinic have some calling on the company to change the name they consider misleading. The CVS MinuteClinic is supposed to provide medical care to patients in a shorter amount of time than a traditional doctor’s office visit. Many in Bloomington believe that the company is not staying true the name of the clinic....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Wait times at the CVS MinuteClinic have some calling on the company to change the name they consider misleading. The CVS MinuteClinic is supposed to provide medical care to …

10/30/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Halloween season is tough on a man with an eerily relevant name. Jack O’Lantern has lived in Bloomington his entire life but is yet to figure out just how to navigate the challenges that naturally come with having a name that so well suits the occasion. “It’s the worst,” lamented O’Lantern. “I have no clue what my parents were thinking, but it’s led to a life of seasonal torment.”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Halloween season is tough on a man with an eerily relevant name. Jack O’Lantern has lived in Bloomington his entire life but is yet to figure out just how to navigate the ch…

10/29/2023

These Southern Indiana breaking news stories need some John Micheal Vincent and Brent Holverson love.

10/27/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Mayor Hamilton took action to quell the Halloween anxiety of Smarties laced with glass by devouring the candy at a public event. Parents have annually expressed fears that the flavorless Smarties have glass placed inside the candy in order to maim or kill innocent children. The Mayor displayed a family size bag of Smarties before sitting down and bogarting the entire bag....

City of Bloomington, IN - Office of the Mayor John Hamilton

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Mayor Hamilton took action to quell the Halloween anxiety of Smarties laced with glass by devouring the candy at a public event. Parents have annually expressed fears that t…

10/26/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A racing legend in holographic form will be competing in the spring season at Bloomington Speedway. Die hard fans will be treated to a hologram of Earnhardt racing on the dirt track with the help of AI technology. “I couldn’t be more thrilled to have Dale at the track,” said speedway owner Brett Bowlen. “The fans are gonna love seeing The Intimidator finally rubbin’ bumpers again!”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A racing legend in holographic form will be competing in the spring season at Bloomington Speedway. Die hard fans will be treated to a hologram of Earnhardt racing on the di…

10/26/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - A local family planning organization inadvertently purchased thousands of explosives instead of a common contraception apparatus. Planned Parenthood has long been a mainstay in the community for issues such as pregnancy testing, safe s*x measures, s*xually transmitted infection testing, and contraception. The organization offers low to no cost options for family planning, including the IUD, or Intra-Uterine Device....

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A local family planning organization inadvertently purchased thousands of explosives instead of a common contraption apparatus. Planned Parenthood has long been a mainstay i…

10/25/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - An attendee at a recent protest was forced to pay for his supplies by using a credit card belonging to his father. IU Junior and vocal Anti-Capitalist Cory Brown went to an event that was critical of economies that exploit workers and put profits over people. In order to forcefully convey his message, Brown needed the right gear and sign-making materials....

Urban Outfitters Urban Outfitters Europe Greetings on Kirkwood

BLOOMINGTON, IN – An attendee at a recent protest was forced to pay for his supplies by using a credit card belonging to his father. IU Junior and vocal Anti-Capitalist Cory Brown went to an …

10/23/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Local country artist Hank Ruff has what it takes to make it big. There is just one arrow missing from his impressive quiver. Agents are telling Hank he needs a criminal record. Specifically, he needs a hate crime. “Look, to make it to the top in today’s country music scene, you have to be willing to go all the way,” said talent agent Doug Patterson....

Hank Ruff Music The Bluebird

Inside Baseball for a Basketball Town
‘The Onion for Bloomington’

10/20/2023

BLOOMINGTON, IN - The County Coroner announced the morgue will be open for tours and scary story telling the weekend of Halloween. Coroner Jennifer Daws described the decision as an effort to promote good will with the community and make local government more transparent. “I work for the people,” said Daws. “Myself, the staff who do the cutting and internal examining, we all work for the citizens of Monroe County.”...

BLOOMINGTON, IN – The County Coroner announced the morgue will be open for tours and scary story telling the weekend of Halloween. Coroner Jennifer Daws described the decision as an effort to…