Pastor Beau Tyler

08/27/2022

At our church here in Texas, our local Boys Scout troop does most of our scientific research.
They were concerned for our church’s safety when they read this article.
So. They went out to a creek bed in our community to do some research to evaluate the risk of an earthquake.
After careful thought and a peer reviewed study, they’ve confirmed that our community has an estimated 3 bazillion percent chance that we are safe from earthquakes. Great job, boys!
Next, they’ll be in charge of the church’s hurricane preparedness program!

The earthquakes, considered minor by geologists, started in December. No one knows what is causing them or how long they will continue.

08/27/2022

Top O the mornin’ to yas!

All jokes aside, we host an event at our church every couple months that we call the “Faith Based Fashion Show”. It’s a beauty pageant fashion show but the winner is always Jesus.
Anyways, our beloved organ player, Janeen, always used to go around tellin the girls “ain’t nothin’ a lil makeup can’t fix!”
We’ll, one of the pageant contestants (that isn’t Jesus) got into Janeen’s makeup bag for a last minute touch-up. Turns out they were allergic to the makeup, so Janeen don’t say that no more.

Melisa Raouf, a 20-year-old college student, will become the first Miss England contestant to opt for a totally natural look in the finals this fall.

08/26/2022

At our church, we have a play every 2 months. All the plays are adapted from films that we love such as “Schindler’s List”, “How to Train Your Dragon”, and “Bob the Butler”!
We sneak in little positive messages about the good book in each play. We also invite the local animal shelter to bring shelter dogs in to fill the seats!

The church also agreed to pay damages. "Hamilton" creator Lin-Manuel Miranda and the official Broadway production said they will donate the money to a local LGBTQ group.

08/26/2022

Our Sunday school teachers here at Son of the Father Ministries are allowed to s***k the children when they sin. When the parents come to pick their children up from class, if their child was punished during that class, the parents of that child are also s***ked by the teachers with the same paddle!
We’ve had people thank us too!

***king

The Cassville school board approved a policy this summer to once again use corporal punishment as a disciplinary measure for K-12 students.

08/26/2022

“Tall men stand closer to God” - Athleticese 7:1



https://www.newsweek.com/shaquille-oneal-earth-flat-explanation-podcast-1736414

The NBA star noted that he "didn't tip over" or "go upside down" during a flight from the U.S. to Australia.

08/26/2022

Young people are our future. When they get to be of age, they will be allowed to carry a handgun. We should just give them handguns now to avoid all the paperwork they’ll have to do later! Amen!


https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/aug/26/texas-judge-overturns-state-ban-on-young-adults-carrying-guns

First major ruling since US supreme court’s landmark decision on weapons rights says state ban unconstitutional

08/26/2022

If Jesus knocked on your door said he was hungry, what would you feed him?

I would give him a bucket of friend chicken from Kevin’s Kickin’ Koop down the road from our church here in Texas. It’s divine!

08/26/2022

08/26/2022

Hello and peace be with you!
I’m Pastor Beau Tyler. The lard has sent me to spread the qord of the good book with spiritual guidance.
I believe in two things:
God, America, and a hot dill pickle on cold winter’s day.

My favorite bubble passage is “It is easy for a camel to fit through the eye of the needle…getting it back from the other side is the most difficult part.” - Pelosians 12:67

08/26/2022

Peace be with you all!
I am Pastor Beau Tyler! I only believe in two things:
God, America, and a nice dill pickle on a hot summer’s day.

The lard has sent me to spread the Holy Spirit on your toast for breakfast every day with encouraging words from the good book.
One of my favorite passages is “It is easy for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle…getting the camel back out from the other side is the hard part.” - Pelosians 12:67

08/26/2022