06/12/2024
#๐๐๐๐
๐๐๐๐๐๐ | ๐๐ก๐ ๐๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ ๐๐ ๐
๐๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐ญ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐ฆ๐๐๐ซ
It was a few weeks before Christmas when tears were rolling down my face as you looked at me with guilt in your eyes, you held my hand and caressed my cheeks to wipe them. You hushed on every sob that escaped from my lips.
โIโm so sorry for letting you down and for making you feel this way, love. ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.โ
๐โ๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐จ ๐๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐ซ.
You said those words like a vow and I held on to that. It echoed in my mind. I held on to that like it was my lifeline.
๐๐ก ๐ง๐จ, ๐ก๐ ๐ก๐ฎ๐ซ๐ญ ๐ฆ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐งโฆ
โ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.โ Itโs okay. I forgive you.
And againโฆ โ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.โ Itโs fine.
And againโฆ โ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.โ Fine.
And againโฆ โ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.โ
Iโve had enough. ๐๐จ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ซ๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ฏ๐ ๐ฆ๐?
๐๐จ๐ฏ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฌ๐ก๐จ๐ฎ๐ฅ๐๐งโ๐ญ ๐ก๐ฎ๐ซ๐ญ ๐ฆ๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐๐กโฆ
โ๐โ๐ฎ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ณ๐ณ๐บ, ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐น๐ต ๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ฆ, ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ตโ๐ด ๐ง๐ช๐น ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด.โ
๐๐จ๐ฎโ๐ซ๐ ๐ฅ๐ฒ๐ข๐ง๐ , ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐ฅ๐ฐ๐๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐๐ซ๐๐๐ค ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฉ๐ซ๐จ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐๐ฌ.
๐๐จ๐ฏ๐, ๐โ๐ฆ ๐ญ๐ข๐ซ๐๐โฆ
โ๐๐ฐ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐จ๐ช๐ท๐ฆ ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐ฆ, ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ฆ? ๐โ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.โ
๐๐๐๐!
โLove, I love you but youโre hurting me so much,โ I confessed, my voice trembling. Thatโs when you finally said it, your voice laced with detachment, like the cold shelter of winter itself.
โ๐ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐บ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐ญ๐ธ๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ธ๐ข๐บ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐โ๐ฎ ๐ข๐ค๐ต๐ถ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ต๐ณ๐บ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต. ๐ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฌ ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ, ๐โ๐ฎ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ณ๐ณ๐บ.โ
And so I did. I left our home at Christmas, taking nothing of what we once sharedโthe presents under the tree stayed untouched, unboxed; the fire in the chimney extinguished itself in the quiet of dawn.
I left with empty hands but carried with me the mess we created, along with the love and safety we could no longer give.
Ever since I gathered the courage to walk away from the shelter we once built together, Iโve built a home for myselfโone where you are not in it, one where I could finally breathe freely yet it kills me a little bit more to unwillingly have your name still remain, like shadows that linger in Decemberโs cold.
Each day, it just started to hurt less and less so I thought it was getting better; I thought I was getting better until I met your eyes again unexpectedly after not seeing you for a while nowโI could feel the bittersweet taste on my tongue and it brought me back to that night we fell apart last year in December.
It was beautiful.
๐๐จ๐ฏ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐๐ฌ ๐๐ฏ๐๐ซ๐ฒ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐๐๐๐ฎ๐ญ๐ข๐๐ฎ๐ฅ.
Then, I held on to your love and so did you to mine. We held on tight together without realizing we were already having each other on chokehold. Loving you was like standing in the snow without shelterโbeautiful but deadly and I stood long enough that it froze me. It stiffened me until I could no longer feel myself with my frostbitten skin.
Itโs been a year since everything went downhill between us. December air is going to feel either nostalgic or new to celebrate Christmas without you.
This time, Iโm enduring it allโthe cold, the bittersweet air of December, and the loneliness of your absence that I would rather put up with than your painful presence.
I never knew this silence would heal me, but in this silence, loving you never felt so peaceful.
I will always love you until you become a distant memory, like all of the Christmases Iโve lived through. Until your voice fades like melting snow, until I can no longer draw your face, your stature a mere outline. Until the last drop of ink from my pen that once wrote your name dries.
I love you.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ฏ๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฎ๐ง๐ญ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ ๐๐๐ง ๐ง๐จ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐๐ซ ๐๐๐๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ฏ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐จ๐ง๐๐ ๐๐๐ฅ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ค๐โฆ
Written by Deanne Marie Omambac