10/06/2024
SUMMER FLING over an ECONOMICS BOOK
(*This is meant for USC Confessions in celebration of USC's upcoming HOMECOMING).
I met my TOTGA Ralph Lauren (RL not his real name, ofcourse) summer of 2002. I was a freshman working scholar at USC taking up Psychology while he took up Electronics & Communications Engineering. At that time, I was assigned at the Reserve Section in the Main library (a very busy section) from 12 nn-4pm (considered peak hrs.). RL would come by around lunch time everyday to borrow a specific Economics book. I found it unusual back then since no one else would ask for that book. Siya lang talaga. But then again, I thought baka he's the studious type & he prefers that particular author.
Anyway, nothing was out of the ordinary. He would greet me with a friendly smile & he talks to me with courtesy. Merely transactional lang ang interaction namin. When the section isn't too busy, sometimes he would linger to do small talk. He seemed really nice.
That time, desensitized na ako sa mga admirers & suitors. Modesty aside, I had a fair share of them but dine-deadma ko lang sila because I just recently had my first heartbreak. I was still in the process of moving on from a breakup & I was trying to focus all my time & energy sa school and work. And besides, bawal talaga akong magka boyfriend. My aunt, who stood as my guardian was super strict (so i had to be discreet). So ayun, i purposely but politely made myself unavailable to those who showed interest in me. Until... the last week of summer classes.
Dati, during end of sem./summer, our IDs would be collected for validation. And what we use as identification in school transactions were our student permits/load, instead. So... when RL borrowed the Economics book for the umpteenth time, i had to verify his student permit. Much to my confusion... surprise... he wasn't enrolled in an Economics subject, not even to a closely-related one! I gave him a quizzical look & he finally admitted, "CD (Christian Dior), I'm sorry! When I saw you, i was instantly infatuated. I didn't know what to do. I come here everyday just to see you. The book is just a lousy excuse pero ang totoo natutulog lang ako sa sulok ng library waiting for my next class. Basta I just had to see you." (Not verbatim but with the same thought).
Natawa ako but plus 1 million pogi points si RL for effort kasi infairness halos everyday talaga cya nag bo-borrow ng book sa library. And so he asked me out on a movie/dinner date. I had to apologetically decline kasi super full ang schedule ko. After work ko sa library, i still had classes until 9pm. But he pleaded & asked if he can stay with me. So we ended up chatting in my work station (much to my boss' dismay). He also asked to sit in one of my classes (buti nalang cool ang History prof. ko). Nag late dinner kami sa Jollibee beside the school & hinatid nya ako pauwi. It wasn't a typical first date. It was brief & we can hardly squeeze in a decent conversation but he illicited emotions in me that I wasn't ready to handle.
Besides the fact that he's cute & charming... I can tell that he's a really nice guy. I was starting to like him that it scared me that I might like him a little bit too much. It kinda felt like a fatal attraction that has potential to make me fall for him... perhaps, too soon & cause my heart's early demise. I knew that I was in a vulnerable emotional state & I was certain that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. However, he is so damned hard to resist. He is genuine, sweet & a real gentleman.
I met RL in an era when wireless technology was fairly new. Not everyone owns a cellphone back then (we both didn't own one) & not everyone was on social media (he wasn't even on friendster then). Understandably so, because he was in the seminary (there were a lot of restrictions). During the last day of summer class, before he left for his Province (Surigao), he shared to me how he planned to leave the seminary but that he had to talk to his nanay & tatay about it. And nope, it wasn't because of me. It was because he felt it wasn't his "calling."
And so we parted ways without the means of getting intouch all throughout the remainder of the summer.
Fast forward to the start of the first semester, I assisted in the enrollment process in USC-TC, when i heard a familiar voice behind me asking me out on a lunch date & soon after, a long overdue movie date. I didn't even realize how much I missed RL's company. He was just my R*Y of sunshine!
We started seeing each other again but that semester was tough on the both of us. Most of my classes were in USC Main. I only had 1 subject in USC-TC. Schedule wise, we were in the opposite ends of the globe (er campus). Eventually, he stopped showing up. I'm not exactly sure why. Your guess is as good as mine. For a week or two, I've been obsessing about it. Was it something i said or did that turned him off? Did he lose interest? Did he get tired of the set-up? Did he go back to the seminary? Did he find someone else?
Whenever i attend classes in USC TC, I would scan the crowd & wish i could catch a glimpse of him. Whenever i go to a movie theater, i would do the same (He's a movie buff).
Weeks turned to months & I've come to accept that that was just it. It was no more than a SUMMER FLING. Time to refocus on my goals. And so I did! That same semester was my first time to be on the dean's list! I was very much preoccupied with school & work that there was no room for anything else.
Then comes February 14, 2003, Valentines Day. I did receive a few flowers but I didn't expect to receive one from RL. There was no note, no sign of him. He asked one of his classmates who attends classes in Main to deliver it to me (I didn't even know the guy). Memories came crashing back in & a short-lived sense of hope. That Maybe... just maybe... there's a chance we can pick-up from where we've left off. But that never came. The rose eventually wilted. All I ever had were vague memories of him & dried rose petals neatly enclosed in the plastic bouquet wrapper it came in, tucked away in the stash of other memorabilias somewhere in my life's beautiful chaos.
Months turned to years... I finally saw RL in the last Intramurals I attended before I graduated. He was with friends & he was with a girl. Probably his girlfriend. He didn't notice me. He was having so much fun & he still wore that charming smile on his pretty face. (2005) A month before graduation, I started dating someone. I was filled with so much excitement & inspiration. The world is my oyster! I navigated through this new phase in my life with a renewed sense of optimism. I landed a start-up job at a BPO where I had so much fun. I was in the company of good friends & I have fallen deeply inlove with someone who is a male version of me.
If you knew me... you would know that dating a male version of myself would be a huge disaster! And so barely 1 year in the relationship... we parted ways. This was a tough one to recover from since I was head over heels inlove with this guy. Adding more insult to injury, this particular ex got someone pregnant within 6 months after our breakup. Ouch! ang syeket syeket mga mars. This is when I fell into depression & all of a sudden, I can't figure out what I wanna do with my life.
By God's grace, HE dragged me out of the dark by orchestrating my promotion at work a few months after my recent heartbreak. So nabuhayan na naman ako ng dugo mga mars. Heto at totoy bibo na naman tayo. I was in full swing as a Recruitment Specialist. I enjoyed my new role albeit I missed my old team mates. Pero ganun talaga. Friends come & go. And thankfully, making new friends come naturally to me.
As the company expanded, grabe na ang demands ng work ko. I'd come home really late. My social life is non-existent at this point. And I became a jerk-magnet. Kung si Kathryn ay "Dating a gangster." Ako yung "Dating disaster." The straw that broke the camel's back was this guy that I reallly liked! He had most of the qualities i was looking for in a guy and he seemed nice naman when I went out with him (with a group of friends). I got so excited when he asked me out one time but to my horror, niyaya nya akong mag motel. I felt really insulted. I told him I'm not that kind of girl, then I hurriedly left. He texted an apology but that was it for me.
A week after, we welcomed our new lady boss from Manila. She wanted to visit SIMALA with the team & so we prepared. When I got home, I rummaged through my stuff to get my stationeries so I can write my prayer petitions to Mama Mary when... the dried rose petals from RL fell.
Naalala ko na naman siya. Nananahimik na sana ang TOTGA ko... heto na naman tayo mga Mars. So out of curiosity, I searched him on Soc med. Negative mga mars. Not on myspace. Not on multiply. Not on Facebook. As in waley! I google-searched him and I was led to this Training Center that offers Safety Officer's training. They post training batches with a list of trainees & his name was on that list. (OMG FBI-level ang stalking mode ko mars. Nakakaloka!) but that training batch was a few years old! But ofcourse, that didn't stop a desperada like me! So I took note of the names of the other trainees in his batch (ganyan ako ka-creepy mga mars). I searched all of them up online until I narrowed it down to 2 people. I reached out to them & blatantly asked if they know RL & if they have his contact number. (Oo nah... aggressive na kung aggressive. Pakapalan na ng mukha ito mga mars). This one guy replied & told me... "RL left for Qatar after his training. We never got intouch. I'm sorry I can't be of help."
So ayun na nga mga mars. Wala akong napala. I wrote a very lengthy letter to Mama Mary. Andami kong pinagdasal & meron din akong mga hiningi. And let me share a few of what I asked.
I said something like... "Nakakapagod na po makipag date. Ayoko na po mag aksaya ng oras at emosyon. If I'm meant to be single for the rest of my life, baka pwede nyo akong payamanin ng konti. para di ako masyadong ma lonely. Para pag malungkot ako, pwede akong mag travel2. Kung meron guy na para sa akin, pwede siya na po ang susunod? Pag hindi para sa akin ang guy, pwede po ba na ma udlot agad2 at wag na patagalin pa?" I also prayed na mag cross ang landas namin ni RL. I promised na if I see na he's in a relationship... hindi ako e-eksena. I will leave him in peace & I will pray for him from a distance. It'll be the closure that I need. Pero pag single pa siya... I will take matters into my own hands. Wala akong p**i kahit mapahiya pa ako. I will make my move. hahaha.
And mga mars, grabe! Grabe ang power of prayers. I got all that I prayed for in SIMALA! A week after that, I have a friend who posted a picture of herself with workmates on FB. RL was on the picture! He was tagged! Officemates pala sila. I went on to check his page & I saw that we have 2 mutual friends. Further, I saw recent posts of him accompanying his girlfriend on her prenatal checkup. They're expecting! They both look excited & kahit this was not how I wanted things to be.... I made a promise & I will keep my word. What happened next a few days after still blows my mind... My friend & I went to a food hub in the i3 bldg. I saw both of them there! RL with his preggy girlfriend. The girl works for a diagnostic clinic and we work in the same building. They didn't see me but I saw how happy they were and I felt really happy for them, too.
FINALLY, I set myself free. I didn't have to dwell on WHAT IFs. THERE NEVER WAS. THERE NEVER WILL BE.
