New Zealand Alternative Reality News

03/10/2024

23/01/2023

Chris Hipkins at a government announcement this morning admits to having mistakenly fallen in a time machine.

The Invention is a groundbreaking innovation set to put kiwi tech and innovation back on the map in 35 years or so. Or maybe it won't, we will have to see.

On his experiences, the prime minister told journalists that despite having swapped his famous baby face looks with that of his older self, he is still as utterly clueless about the future as he was before the accident.

23/01/2023

A woman has been taken into custody following a refusal to comply with breath testing on the harbour bridge this afternoon.

The woman in question who cannot be named for legal reasons reportedly used the breath testing device to sing into, before complaining that the officers did not have the right to test her breath unless they were able to provide them with a mint.
A duty Sergeant was called to the scene where the woman refused to answer questions unless through the tube on the device and only through swallowing mouthfuls of air in order to belch her answers.

She was promptly taken into custody and is understood to be Australian

23/01/2023

Boris Johnson in Auckland at talks to replace Kim.com

23/01/2023

Chris Hipkins, New Zealand's newest new prime minister is showing the public he's not too tired to lead, in his first Act as acting leader, for labour , not for Act...Chris is finally giving those ram raiders a run for their money, as starting at 12, am this Saturday, all Kiwis throughout new Zealand must remove and surrender their tires.
"Tires are what makes the car Go.." said the prime minister whilst chasing a loose tire towards lampton quay from a press conference at the steps of the beehive.

"If cars can't Go, then the ramraiders won't go doing ramraids"

The thinking and vision has been heralded as "genius" and "breathing" by the authorities, crushed under a mountain of cases before the police and the courts.

The former policy on tackling ramraiding, giving repeat offending ramraiders PS5s failed to move the needle on rising rates of offending among youth, as apparently the consoles did not come with games, and forced the ramraiders back through the shutters of EB and the like.

The conference concluded with information on how the nations tires would be ammassed and destroyed, burning was the means of disposal and to much delight, featherstone was chosen as the site of the impending torching of the nations tread.

"Chris has caught the tire he was playing with and is now having a nap" said the minister for cultural unrest.

23/01/2023

Housing Market forecast 2023-24 shock
As foreign home owners start to export kiwi buildings overseas ..the government refused to comment but a source close to the housing ministry is quoted as saying "if we had built using bricks then many homeless Tennant's wouldn't we watching their residence floating over the Horizon"

23/01/2023

Jacinda Ardern and Arnie to reboot Kindergarten Cop Franchise in Kindergarten Cop 2 (trigger warning)