03/05/2024
It’s no news that marriage failures and family crises are becoming a thing of much concern that’s bedevilling our land in this contemporaries. The family is a fundamental social institution occurring in all societies, although its particular forms differ substantially from place to place. In other words, the family is defined as the basic unit of the society. conversely, Marriage is a covenant relationship between male and female spouses. A good marriage guarantees a peaceful and joyful atmosphere in the home, which is most suitable for bringing up healthy and happy children. Experiences over the years have shown that at times a once blissful marital union turns sour. But before the tables turned, the couples believed they were soul mates as indicated in the way they worked together, walking hand-in-hand, and exchanging pleasantries. Each partner then was a true friend, a confidant with a good sense of humour ever willing to offer a helping hand to the other. But as the table turns, the couple soon realizes they no longer share the closeness feeling but rather as strange bedfellows, speaking to each other only when it becomes necessary and inevitable. At this stage, some couples who are sensitive could start to wonder how they managed to get where the current conflict has set in and of course if not properly handled at this stage may lead to crisis and eventual collapse of the marriage structure.
Now, what are Marriage Failure (MF) and Family Crisis (FC)? Marriage failure or marital breakdown(divorce) refers to the common process whereby the relationship between a married couple erodes, such that they cannot ordinarily restore their relationship. It is the breach of domestic anticipation, often leading to a divorce or dissolution of the marital relationship family crisis refers to any event that is going (or is expected) to lead to an unstable and dangerous situation affecting an individual and emphatically the family. Having drawn a thin line between these topics of interest, used interchangeably because of their synonymity. However, they will be discussed simultaneously because MF can lead to FC and vice versa. Every marriage is constantly under the influence of some external and internal pressures, a condition that is somewhat inevitable that every marital union faces the dynamics of a family crisis. Crises are therefore a common feature in every union of two or more persons and marriage is not immune to this. If it is not so, why then do couples fight and argue? Why can’t they just enjoy lasting peace? Didn’t they get married to have a greater life together than in a single (unmarried) state? These are questions on issues that confirm that conflicts in marital unions might not be unusual and abnormal after all. Great marriages are those that have learned how to utilize these variant shades of opinions and views so that they as a couple can grow. Proverbs 20:3 says “Keeping away from strife is an honour for a man, but any fool will quarrel”, this simply implies that family crisis must not always lead to conflicts for in the words of Buckwell God has given each of us a door of opportunity in which we can refuse to step into conflict. As the Holy Bible realistically acknowledges that those who marry are likely to have pains and grief (1 Corinthians 7: 28), no couple or marriage is immune to such inherent problems. Eventually, all couples experience a significant crisis that can threaten their emotional safety and at times even the future of their marriages. The family reckoned as the oldest human institution is today in trouble. It is unrealistic to expect a marriage to be problem-free. After all, even well a matched marriage, partners are not perfectly compatible hence difficulties of some sort are inevitable
It is against the foregoing background, that I set out to write on the causes and solutions to marriage failures and family crises. Some of the causes are highlighted below.
To begin with, Social Incompatibility of Marriage Partners. How many men take their wives for a date? How Many couples renew their marital vows? How many couples go to church together? This is so because the pair is socially incompatible and may only manage to get along for a short while before signs of incompatibility start to manifest. It would then be discovered that the couple is strange bedfellows – socially, religiously and ideologically. This is capable of degenerating into a crisis in the home.
Secondly, Sexual Incompatibility/extreme sexual orientation. Poor sexual satisfaction on the part of a marital partner may spice up a crisis in the union which not properly and timely detected and managed could lead to extramarital sexual affairs, a situation that if on its leads to disaffection and loss of trust.
In addition, Extended Family Affairs/Issues. Some once-upon-a-time happy couples have had their marriages rocked by their inability to properly manage extended family issues. In most cases, women find it difficult to accommodate relations of the husband (especially mothers and sisters–in–law) and vice versa on the part of some husbands, a situation most marriage partners may find difficult to accommodate. Some men/women often quarrel with spouses whose interests are only for the betterment of their relations.
Furthermore, Lack of Mutual Respect between Partners. Mutual respect for one’s spouse is critical for marital union sustenance and lack of it is a crisis factor capable of rocking even the strongest marital foundation of hitherto blissful homes.
In my notion, Poor Marital Communication. A factor that has occupied a central position in all discourse concerning successful marriage is ‘marital communication. The inability of spouses to communicate effectively with each other is very unhealthy for the union. This can assuage many other marital disquiets before they could degenerate into crises. Put differently, poor marital communication has been blamed for some other marital problems that have even culminated in the divorce or separation of spouses. Purposeful open dialogue between couples often tends to be overtaken by incessant arguments about anything, everything, and nothing; misinterpretation generates misunderstandings; verbal attacks are countered by keeping silent, especially on the husband’s side.
Money problems are another menace.’ It’s your money, it’s my money issues. However, in tough economic times, financial stress can cause more general stress, more conflict over things unrelated to money, and money-centred arguments as well. (For example, when one partner is extremely stressed about money, they may be less patient and more stressed in general; they may then pick fights with the other partner about unrelated things without even realizing it)
Finally, Issues with Children/desire for male children /barrenness. The advent of children brings another potential source of marriage problems. Children are wonderful and can bring wonderful and meaningful gifts into our lives. However, having children can bring additional stress into a marriage because the caretaking of children requires more responsibility as well as a change in roles, provides more fodder for disagreement and strain, and reduces the amount of time available to bond as a couple. The desire for male children and or barrenness can cause MF/FC.
Despite these etiological challenges below are some of the solutions or recommendations to avert these problems. First and foremost, Marriage counselling/Guided courtship. Potential couples should be counselled and have a defined relationship before leading to the altar. Intending couples should have a mentor or role model in which they are free to contact in times of despair.
I also believe that, Legislation against spousal abuse/forced/early marriage. In the previous articles presented through this forum two weeks ago. The presenters stressed emphatically enacting laws that protect the rights of individuals when coerced to go against one’s liberty.
Emphatically, Introducing Pre-marriage courses in the curriculum/Regular seminars on marital issues. Public enlightenment and education of our beloved people on how to curb, control and settle FC not exacerbating into MF or divorce.
Furthermore, De-emphasizing children in marital union/putting spouse before children. In the African context, marriage is seen only for procreation. A situation where one is barren/infertile can pose a family crisis leading to marriage failure. Children are de-emphasized for people to live happily even without children. Putting spouse first will also go a long way in curtailing these menaces. Regular renewal of marital vows will aid In reminding people of their oat to cling to each other.
Fifthly, Defining the position of in-laws early in marriage. In-laws sometimes contribute greatly to marital issues either positively or negatively. Their positions should be defined even if it means settling down in a distant place or securing their apartment.
In addition, establishing a common family purse/joint account. When there is a joint account in the family. Then issues of ‘my money your money ‘ won’t be feasible because money problems often aggravate the crises if not tackled.
Lastly, Good communication skills. No relationship will work out for us without good communication between the two parties or partners. Therefore sound communication heightens good interpersonal relationships.
In conclusion, marriage failure and family crises can pose lots of dangers and challenges to our people if not prevented early enough. Social vices and crimes may become the order of the day as delinquent children from crisis-ridden or broken homes ultimately graduate into the irresponsible adult population. Adolescence is a stage at which human beings are highly emotionally unbalanced, character formation not yet stabilized and as such people can always tilt to either side of the scale under the slightest pressure. This is the singular reason why robbery gangs kidnapping and assassination squads, and prostitution are mostly populated by people in their adolescence and early adulthood. Living with their parents did not offer them the opportunity to develop as good citizens with good scales of conscience. The consequences (eg divorce, and on children) are quite alarming and I hope that the recommendations suggested above will be helpful.
