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Nyanza HOT News, 46, Kisumu (2024)

08/01/2024

The day that you die😭😭.. Your relatives will be itching as to who will be the first to "Break the News" on FB. Your FB wall will flood with messages. "Oooh gone too soon, am still in shock, oh I can't believe you are gone, why you" . . so many messages. Some will be too lazy to type anything more than R.I.P.🤔

Some will send you friend requests!!!

Others will spend the whole day on your profile monitoring if it's true ....or trying to find out the cause of your death.

On your burial day, your relatives and friends will be there in the latest fashions, car hires and perfect make ups under the sun glasses.🙄

They will pose for photos and even post selfies with your lifeless body in a coffin!!

Very few people will be mourning, only Your children and your grandmother.😓😓

For your parents it's a case of whether you invested back home and if your Mpesa to them was active. If you were a 'generous' son /daughter, the deeper the grief.

By now your spouse has gone to all your banks and insurance companies... She/he has been to your office to see your boss about this month's salary and your benefits.. in a nutshell she/he wants you 6ft under to go finish with the Insurance company and Harambee Sacco🤔🤔

Your grandmother is there wondering why God took you instead of her.. she's genuinely sad.

Your mpango wa kando didn't attend your burial because your phone has been off and she/he has no other contact.

At 3pm they are done. You are six ft under our feet. They party and drink at your village shopping centre or somewhere along the road trip from your village.

They go back to City and life continues.

My friend..... Love life,
have fun,
know your friends,
be real and have a real purpose.
Leave a legacy. Be careful. Play it safe.
After it's all said & done, God's judgement awaits.

Sad
But the most important thing invest in your children and in God's kingdom..
Prepare your heart for the maker.. truly life got no balance.......

05/01/2024

GIK MAGOLO KWE E OT

1.Keto pachi e chandruok kata pek mineno.Wek s*ko kiketo pachi e pek, to tem ane ng'iyo giko.Sani nyalo bedo matek lakini Nyasaye loso giko nobed maber.Jomoko nosandore kachako to kawuono?Focus the end may be worth it Ka Nyasaye omiyou ngima

2.Tamruok bedo kod horruok e dak.Hori ndalo duto.Bed ng'ama inyal kwer to dok piny.Donge kata jo Asernal iloyo to pod ipake apake😂😂😂

3.Kik usungru kod gweth ma Nyasaye oketu e lwetu.Kanitie gweth go to miuru go Nyasaye duong'.Jomoko ting'ore mapenj ni kare pod ichamo fulu.

4.Kik iyi wang, piyo.Pareni mano e odi.Kikethe gi ich wang' to onge machielo midhiyudo maber k**ano..For instance
iweyo chuori ni nigi nyako oko iwuok gi nyithindo kasto ibedo sidechick ne married man double tragedy..Duok ich wang' chien

5.Gima osekadho we keto e chunyi.Sadha kelo tuoche e ringruok to bende sadha golo kwe e chuny bende e ot

6.Dak kiparo kaka chon ne ber.Kik is*k kihun seche tee kiparo chon gi sani..Chon Niromoni kiya oko kawuono to kata ng'ama penjo kiduogo onge😂 accept it

7.Kik wiu wil gi gik ma Nyasaye osetimonu.Gik ma Nyasaye osedolo we rieyo go ane picha ine kaka Nyasaye oseritou,osekalo kodu e okenge mad**go...Omiyo s*k ka upako nyinge seche te🙏

Ng'euru ni kata families duto e muma nikod agete ma gikale koro hori to maduong' ni beduru e lwet Nyasaye sache te
Ecclesiastes 7:8

27/10/2023

Dear Men,

Before you forgive her for cheating, I want you to know she woke up, probably spoke to you that day and called you Babe. Then bathe, dressed up, boarded a vehicle to his place.

He touched her once. Touched her twice. Kissed her. Then spread her on the bed and pulled her naked. At some point she was moaning at the top of her voice and telling him to do it more.

He turned her over several times and ran all sorts of styles. Probably chokes her, gagged her and spanked her and she said Yea baby!

At some point he asked her if she liked it and she said yes, It was the best ever. She laid naked in his arms and on his bed. Probably wore his polo, cooked and ate with him.

I'm not saying You should not forgive her . I just want you to properly understand the situation and know it was not a mistake, It was deliberate and she enjoyed every bit of it.

But if you still want to forgive and accept her back, I celebrate you Man Of God😂

29/09/2023

THE 35 SACRED BRO CODES:

1. Don't r**e.

2. A man doesn't cook delicious food, it's gayish.

3. Two naked men are not supposed to be in the same room.

4. A bro doesn't bath with hot water, he respect his 2 eggs.

5. A bro should know when to leave.

6. A bro should not ask a fellow bro his name, he should call him "Bro, Sir, Chairman, Mr, etc

7. As a bro when you remove your shoes, it must throw out a heavy, strong and intoxicating ordour into the atmosphere, your presence must be felt from a far distance like the stench of a he goat.

8. A bro must know the signal to leave the room when a bro's girl is around.

9. Never make funny of your bro just to impress women.

10. A bro must not pay for s*x.

11. Your bro's Ex is your Ex.

12. Make money before you make love.

13. A bro must not watch a Korean drama.

14. No matter how beautiful your bro's sister is, she is your sister too.

15. A bro must not watch zee world, Nigerian movies and some petty content.

16. When money finally comes, don't change your woman, upgrade her.

17. Don't do husband duties while you are just a boyfriend.

18. A bro never gives up, the rest and continue.

19. If she say you are her planet, don't forget about other planets.

20. Always respect your father, he was your first bro. Respect your mother, she is your 001.

21. Never ever smash your bro's chick.

22. Never feed a horse that you don't ride.

23. A bro shall not gaze at a naked bro.

24. A bro never cries publicly or in front of any woman.

- A bro never use Snapchat filter, a bro must look ugly and gallant.

26. A bro never wears pink underwear.

27. If a bro asks another bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave.

28. A bro is never offended if another bro fails to return a phone call or text.

29. It is never acceptable for a bro to sleep with another bro’s project or ex.

30. A bro never Gives another bro the silent treatment.

31. A bro never hold hands with bro while walking.

32. Bros DO NOT rush for selfies.

33. Never break up with the girl that bring food to the gang.

34. Even if you're caught red-handed, deny everything. 😎

35. Dress well, no matter the occasion.

Tsup Bro 🤜🤛

13/04/2023

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE FUNNIEST COMEDIANS, LOOK no FURTHER than AZIMIO HONCHOS.

OBURU (Before Elections): We have the system, we have the deepstate and we have the people, there is NO WAY we can lose the Presidency

OBURU (After Elections): We realized that Ruto was the REAL deepstate...he controlled everyone from Police to IEBC

BABU OWINO (Before Elections): I can confirm that President Uhuru is fully determined to make Baba Raila President

BABU OWINO (After Elections): I can confirm it was a long con. Uhuru was playing Baba from day one. He didn't want Raila to be President.

KANCHORY (Before Elections): I can tell the world that Bomas is a crime scene and our victory is being stolen "live live".

KANCHORY (Africa Elections): I can tell you that we LOST the election because Raila's Campaign was disorganized from day one.

RAILA (Before Elections): Ruto ni kitu kidogo sana kwangu, I don't have time for non-issues like Ruto

RAILA (After Elections): We are going to the streets because Ruto ametudharau sana,hana kiburi mingi sana

WASAREDO(Before Elections):Take it to the bank, Ruto will NEVER be president of Kenya. Zoea Baba the 5th

WASAREDO(After Elections):Take it to the bank,Ruto is a one-term president, zoea Baba the 6th.

AND THE COMEDY CONTINUES!

06/12/2022

EN NGANYO MAR ANGO???

Nyiswa uru gimalongo majii dhine enganyo!
Ka en nganyo ni mondo Kik gol Charera 4 etich to daa.

Kenya ka jii mangeny mane tiyo tije mad**go emigepe mopogore opogore mag piny owacho mane ogolie tijigi eyore mathoth maok owinjore, moko osekedo edoho kagimanyo ratichgi mondo oduokgi etijegi mane gitimogo kata mondo ochulgi kuom rocho ratichgi mamoko nosekata thoo to moko be pod ywakgi omoko edoho to onge kata ngama ne oseluongo negi nganyo mondo oduokgi etich.

Jii mangeny ma ngato luongo mondo oterie nganyo machalo gi mochik e a lap ma Kumkunji tarik 7 gi onge kata tije, moko goyo magang to moko jolam to ngenygi be Jo mijengo to moko be osomo mana maber kendo gin gi oboke mag mbalariany to kuma giyudie tije otamore to sani to gigoo koko Kaka jii orom enganyo mar tamruok mondo Kik riemb jomoko etich.

Cherera ngato nye okona ni ne ose resign to kaen emoluongne nganyo to Koro Kare nganyo mapod awinjo kilandono en mar ango?

Joluo nyaka to Koro watang uru, weche mar ni wan ngato tiyo mana kodwa to ento emonene ber ma omewo kachwarni to joluo to odhier koyiech dak ni nyaka to Koro wapenjre ni sani to Koro ochom kodwa Kanye ka yore madhii Canaan tee to idinore nyaka 2042?

Ayieya ayieya jodalawa to gimoro ka gimoro nyaka bed gisaa ne, ber to ber nikech joluo nowene ngato tiyogo Kaka odwaro esama wiye omiye to giko ni wabiro d**g elwasi nikech kata wuodwa ma watiego nadidonjie piem ka gimoro amora dipoo kanyalo timore onge kata achiel, jowa mosetemo iwinjo Mana ni ngane kane tugo gi ngane to erego?

Sawa tuu ! Yawuotwa to waloko gaktok to yawuot kabinde ma moko to gerore kendo bedo gi chiya ma malo mar telone piny kaka ker to wanto?

Par uru nyadiriyo kuom weche mawachogi , awuoyo awuoya ka olang migoyo to ndalo biro ma wanaywag ange, to nobedni chak osepukore onge jowo.

Aweyou gi mago Ruoth obedna kodu.

04/12/2022

FOOTBALL VS SEX🥒🥒😍😋 😀😀
1. Going to ur boyfriend or Girlfriend's house without being invited = Offside😋
2. Dating a girl today and having s*x on the same day = Free kick*😋
3. Condom = Defender😍😘
4. Abortion = Red card🟥
5. Condom breaks = Penalty 😋
6. A girl with lot of energy = Captain😁
7. Having s*x without condom = Own goal🙄
8. Taking a lot of time without cuming = Man of the match😍😍😍
9. Sexing three girls in one day = Hat trick😍😍😍😍😍
10. Having s*x with ur Ex = Friendly match🖐️😂
11. Eight years of s*x without getting a child = Arsenal😂🤨
12. After two rounds and u request for more = Extra time😛😜
13. Taking it gently when having s*x = Fair play🥰🥰🥰
14. Biting ur girlfriend's ni***es = Suarez😘
15. Two legs on the shoulder = Throwing🥰
16. Asking her "how do u want it?" = Taking instructions from the touchline🤗
17. A lady using pills after s*x and later she still gets pregnant = Defensive error*😏😛
18. A girl getting pregnant = Goooooal🤩
19. Having s*x with ur girlfriend and ur mum opens the door = Injury☹️😜
20. A guy who impregnated the lady = Active striker😌🤪
21. A girl telling u to stop = yellow card*🤔
22. Divorce = Barcelona and Messi*😁😂
23. Awwwnsh, awwwn, more babbby, harder harder* *asssshh!..=dribbling in process 😛😍 😋😋
24..Ohhh yeeeahhhhh: =game over 🙌🏻
Happy Stay Guys🤪🤪🤪

16/11/2022

Jehova bende riek ndii,, kosefwenyo ni in dichuo majaber to nikod pesa ...koro giri emoketoni mathwis marom gi bhajia.......nyale waaa🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

05/11/2022

Mor gi yilo okwako chuo ma nyimgi ong'wony to chiek ka loch mar dhiang mod**g' e gunda, bang' nonro yango ni ok ochuno ni nyaka ibed gi nyim ma bor ka mar Kanyna wuod Adhiambo, korka irom dhako gi mach modhi wang' achiel.

Atamalo 80 mar mon mane openji, wacho ni gin kata siala bor kata siala chiek, ok gine-ga pogruok moro amora, duto mit aduwa. Tek ni nyimi oriemo, to inyalo budho ma en owuon ema okweri ni wuod chula, kata wuod Gem, koro to ipek itura. Onge nyako ma dwaro dichuo ma tieko tich chon ka gweno.

Kata k**ano, mon moko, ahinya, to mon machwe ohero siala mabor ma ogondore ka rabond nyaluo, ka giwacho ni mano ema chopo ma tuomgi ma njoka ywag e igi ni chululululu!

Mon moko bende wacho ni siala mabor hinyogi!

In kaka ng'ama nyako, be iyie gi nonro? Mae ochomou tir.

03/11/2022

GIK MAMIYO JI MIYI LUOR GI HERA

Osiepna winja:-
1. Pinyni kik idag mondo imor ngato, tim gik ma miyi mor in owuon nikech mor chunyi okibiyudo kuom jomoko to mana kuomi....

2. Kik ichun hera k**a hera onge, chuno hera ok med hera to kelo achaye....

3. Ruoth Nyasaye ema gwedho ji gi mwandu, kik nyiego gi piem maki gi mwandu kata ngima nyawadu mor gimari matin no to in ibed gi kwe mar chuny..

4. Kik ibed ka iseyo d**gruok mar nyawadu to kinde tudo pak joweteni ma Ruoth ogwedho ka ibe irito chieng gweth mari...

5. Kinde duto bed ja adiera, wach adiera makata ichwanyo ngato to isewachone moloyo bedo gi galamoro mar osiepe mogeno kuom miriambo..

6. Temie chieng kik podh ka okiluongo nying Nyasaye kendo ipimone dwaro mar chunyi gi duokone erok**ano kuom ngima momiyi nono...

7. Bed ngama wuoyo matin to wacho weche makare, rodho wach mangeny miyo iwacho gik ma samoro okowinjore kendo miyo ji chayi...

8. Kapo iyudri ekind ji ma ikia to uriwo mbaka kik iwuo mangeny, kuong inon kitgi gi ranginy ma pachgi ogikie kalure gi kit weche gi mbaka magi goyo, inyalo tho muomri gi wach ma gichai nono...

9. Duong oken higni to en tim gi paro, nyis duongni eweche miwacho, timbeni kod paro migolo....

10. Kinde duto tem ibed ngama ler gi dende, rwakruok kod aluora midakie. Dhano kuongo miyi luor kalure gi kit rwakruok kod ler mar dendi eka weche miwacho luwe....

03/11/2022

```DHIER RACH!

1.Dhier nyalo miyo ka gimoro olal K**a nubudhee to ng'ato bukore abuka Kodi ni "Omera we oyuma manono . Idwa njawowa gi welo nang'o? Duok simu mikao piyopiyo🤔

2.Dhier miyo kata in kidhii nyiepo e duka to jaduka timoni service aroka aroka jalma ok miyi time. Ibiro winjo ni "Customer amiyi ang'o, wach ane piyo adwa wuok ka "nikech ong'eyo ni bajedi ok kal 100🤔

3.Dhier nyalo miyo kata ka iamua goyo simu imosie watni kata osiepni Moro, the first thing moruyigo took mako simu en ni "wuod omera kawuono to an nono"

4.Dhier nyalo miyo kidhii e chokruok Moro to ichungi e kom makata wiyi otimo luar ni " kaw uru kom ma Jared obedeno umii jaduong' Moses Ochung🤔

5.Dhier nyalo miyo yanyi apoya nono makata kosa mitimo ongee, iwinjo Mana ka mama Moro bayo wach niya "mamani to rang'o na nyathi nade kose odwa miyona nyathi juok" 🤔 sechego to okiwuok e gund juok kata matin,yoo mapiny ogoyigo boksi emomiyo ichalone jomoko jajuog wang'🤔

6.Dhier nyalo miyo kata itemo chungo ng'ato kata ni mondo ipenje yoo(direction) to owuondore ni okowinji kendo odhii ma okong'i chien nikech kaka irwakori oparo ni in janeko kata idwa kwaye pesa🤔

7.Dhier osemiyo joma pach gi liw otho gi pach gi mabeyogo, nikech kiting'o badi ni in bende igolie pachi kaka jommamoko tiwinjo ka jataa bura nyisi ni , "Robert, ma bura maserious mopogore gi mamoko ka. Tafadhali ok wan ka mar tugo"😭

8.Dhier nyalo miyo jaduka tami e gowi nikech kaka onene openjore ni pesa ibiro yudo kure mar chule.

9.Dhier nyalo miyo ithoo ka sani mar thoo podi okochopo nikech ionge pes consultation mar neno laktar

10.Dhier nyalo miyo kata ka ikuno pesi Moro inyiewo giri Moro to jirandi wuok dhii penjo oko Ni, "Ng'ama gire Moro olal, nitiere Moro maneno kamoro machich ni okwal"😭

Duto kuom duto, gima duong' moloyo en ngima ma Nyasaye omiwa nono. Was*k ka wapake kinde duto kendo watem tiyo matek mondo wanyal keto kuon e mesa.

Ka Ruoth Nyasaye omiyi Kik icha jok ma okoyudo . Kapok Jehovah omenyo yori gi toch Kik

02/11/2022

Simba ok ber kigero machiegni gi ot malo 😓😞 Akelo jaber koka achako luoro pap😏😏 sechego sauti moro wuok ni thap.! thap.! 😳😳 digal ni nyithi primary sama girwako japuonj manyien assembly,🙈🙈🙄.NTK apo Mama e dhot ka wer👏😳 kasto openja ni Junior wuoda to dakni nyisani ni in gi chokruok makoro upamo mana luetu to ok uol kwaya 😓🥰,uchuna akone ni pod atemo piano losnwa chai.🙈🙈🤣🤣

24/10/2022

If your girlfriend broke up with you today, she actually did so long time ago.

When a girl loses attraction for her partner, she starts shopping around for another man.

That takes time, & girls hate being alone.

So she'll hold on to her dead-end relationship until she finds a replacement.

Women cheat emotionally, then physically, then they leave.

18/10/2022

Chodo in Kisumu is going to make you hate s*x kik item. Especially in Nyalenda, around Obunga,Kona Mbuta, and Nyamasaria.

On one hand, it is not financially viable.

There is no way, ma igona bech yier sh. 1,500 and then ka ilonyo long' to ayudo ka iruako panties second hand mar ten bob..

I won't pay!

Ka isedonjo e pap to look for tools. Bed gi panty achiel moro mar 300 kata 500 for business.

You can not sell a poorly packaged good exorbitantly!

On the other hand, it is like all ochode in Kisumu use similar soap and body oil to clean themselves..

They smell the same, except for their mouth odor which varies.

The soap/oil doesn't smell good at all. It is a put off.

Instead of chodo Kisumu, makata igig Ahero or Maseno imany Kienyeji matiyo gi sabund jogoo kaluokore.

Ok, achak atem until I hear that there is a change.

Meanwhile, join . Welo chalo njungu.

❤❤❤

14/10/2022

"Koro we anyisu gimanotimre...Nyoro nitie client manedwaro delmonte then delmonte norumo e club at around 2am..koro Collo okao pesa odhi Dondez omo delmonte kanyo emoyudo ka demne almost wife toyo ngona gi Barry gi the other guy. Collo oduogo e club okao math makech ochako madho kare stress nege.

Owuok then koro onge ng'amanong'eyo kumodhie kare nodhi eot Victoria gardens kumagidake gi jaberni after some minutes jaber ochopo gi chwo ariyo okelogi eot magidake gi collo.Negikia ni collo was already around.Kanyo ema collo owuok to lweny otugre.

Collo odisarm barry to orodho barry lisasi ariyo moro ewiye moro etiende barry nosim on the spot then collo owuok nyaka gi bunde no. Nyako ma ochodororo ni emanoreport case obunga police station."

WITNESS REPORT.

12/10/2022

Upto now even the lame can see that Raila is now looking for people to influence after Nyanza people realised he's using them for his own business yet he's not interested in presidency.

12/10/2022

Ne ochuno obila mondo omwoch magina kuom Boniface Ouma, sama nyo otemo kwelo e bad bengi mar Equity mayudore Nairobi West.

Ouma nyo omwomore ei bengi komanore gi pand ng'ado alod kabich bang' chwoyo dieng'e chukdar marito dho bengi no endo!

Nyo ochako ochwoyo jago moro ka pok ochikore ka jowi mofit njaga, ma omako muneja mar bengi, ma ochako kok matek ka jakwath ma chogo dhiang' ma ochot dhi chamo puodho ni, "Patia mimi pesa yiote"!

Muneja mar bengi ma nyo lworo omako, nyo ogo nduru ka diel ma tol deyo, ma obila ma nyo ni machiegni, owinje mobiro.

Ouma ma wachore ni chalo ma nyo owuok ot kosechamo kuon monindo gi omena ma nyo od**g', nyo tek ka muok, kata k**ano, obila nyo orakore kode mo-ochwado magina e lwete ma nyo omako godo pala, ma ogore piny ka gund oduma ma omake.

IMG for Illustration Courtesy Internet.