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Welcome to Castlebar Today News. The home of REAL news from Mayo's County Town. Have you got something to report ? You'll make our day. No really you will !!

If so get in touch with our team of elite journalists now.

26/04/2023

New N5 opens to transport whining feckers out of Castlebar.

The first new section of the N5 Castlebar Bypass opens today, with a guarantee of economic prosperity and a commitment to transport moany bastards out of the county town. The ribbon was cut earlier today by a consortium of local cowboys with vested interests and pharmaceutical chiefs.

In a first for the country, local authorities will fund amnesty buses to take any begrudger, moany bollicks or displaced Covie out on the new road towards Roscommon, where a human landfill will be set up for people to have deep meaningful conversations of misery. The idea is likely to prove beneficial to local keyboard warriors/civil engineering consultants/moaning bastards. The amnesty buses will be available on a first come first serve basis, with demand expected to be high.

Along with the traditional ribbon cutting wankathon, a night of entertainment will be supplied by local DJs including Bertie Dick along with free flagons and disco biscuits out in Ballyvary sponsored by local politician Micky Ping with entrance fee of a handshake and vote.

Meanwhile, The Council have also struck a deal to construct a new dual-carriageway from Castlebar to Belmullet, and will next week be bulldozing Westport to the ground to provide backfill material for the road construction. Residents are asked to leave Westport before Sunday April 30th. The new road is estimated to be completed by 2087.

Overall a great day for the parish!

11/04/2023

🇺🇸 US president Joe Biden to reopen his Castlebar television shop 🇺🇸

The president of the United States will return to his boyhood home, to reopen the successful electrical shop that ignited his American dream. JB TV was the brainchild of Joe Biden (real name Joe Byron from Garryduff), supplying quality colour and BW television sets to the Castlebar population in the 80s and 90s.

Locals have reacted boisterously to Joe's homecoming, with the news that Newtown will be closed off to traffic for a day of mega telly deals and dirty video sales.

Local diversions will be in place to Westport. It has been reported that two other major electrical shops in the town have closed down since AM this morning as a result of zero sales due to the impending visit of the original bargain telly man and the fact they're sh*te.

Joe will announce his 'Opening Day Deal' (rumoured to be a 42 inch Sanyo and free Rocky box set thrown in) live on Castlebar Today News social media in an exclusive scoop over the coming days. Customer quotas are 1 deal only per person, as usual no Covies, no Rotary Club members. Plenty parking on site. Card machine won't be working, cash is king.

The ticket only event will be sponsored by the Town Council, who'll be raising funds on the day to buy salt for the roads. Tickets can be purchased from auld lads holding black umbrellas outside the town church.

(Disclaimer: Joe doesn't do autographs. Joe likes women)

11/12/2021

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals! 🎄We’ve just got the clutch fixed in the news van and we're ready to hit the road. Let us know what stories you'd like us to cover this Christmas? 🎅

22/08/2021

🚨 BREAKING 🚨

A great day for the County Town of Castlebar following the announcement by the Ivy Tower Hotel previously known as the Welcome Inn that daily Punch & Judy shows are to commence in order to keep outdoor diners entertained while on the lush.

12/07/2021

Council move benches to the lake to kick-start drinking parties

Local knacker & outdoor buzzer groups have reacted ‘like its 1999’ at the news to move picnic benches from The Mall to Lough Lannagh, as bushing, cider parties and general anti social behaviour can recommence.

A motion was today passed in council offices as the benches are doing f**k all business in The Mall. Castlebar Today News exclusively interviewed Mayor Whitie Galvin who confirmed he endorses drink and drug fuelled lakeside activity again and claimed ‘I can’t wait to go, it’ll give the tidy towns clean up lads something to do on Sundays’.

Deals have already been struck for food trucks, with Paddy Poison returning alongside the Bucky Bus and the Flagon Wagon. The spiritual S**g 4 a Fag arena will also operate till after mass on Sundays. All CCTV in the area will be removed to facilitate thuggery and riding. Council will accept no liability for damage, nor any inconveniences caused to residents, and their out of hours emergency number will be off the hook ta f**k.

A deal has also been struck with Linden Village to pump cider through the taps of town residents for two hours on Saturday evenings to initiate the sessions. The water will be off. If householders want tea, a boil cider notice will be in effect.

06/07/2021

S T A Y T U N E D 📄 📺

28/03/2021

Massive shopping trolley blocks traffic in town river

A dirty f**king rotten oul trolley, probably from the old trolley shed in Dunnes, is blocking international and local cargo, and the usual rubbish, in the Castlebar River. Shovel breast feeders from the council are currently shaking heads and assessing the situation in 3ft of water down near the church.

Efforts are underway to remove the 2 tonnes of metal, and its crew of rats, to allow all remaining plastic, perch and the Rowan Drive pleasureboats further their journeys downstream. Cargo vessels delivering charly from Islandeady to the shores of Lough Conn and Cullin for the Ballina Market are now stalled, in a huge economic blow to the region. Mayor Whitie Galvin is also at the scene in his rubber dinghy with a new set of spades for the lads.

A large consortium of local businessmen in vans have circled the area like hyenas ready to stake claim to the scrap metal once removed. The scene has also been declared an eyesore by local Instagram huns in search of vibes and another 5k around the lake.

Local councillor Jimmy Forde is adamant the situation will be rectified by his team this weekend, commenting that ‘all rubbish must continue to flow undeterred to the Greenway in Turlough as usual’.

21/03/2021

Mayo County Council to upgrade Knock Shrine to Class 2 relic

A Castlebar dream team of Fr John ‘Trendy’ Kenny and Fr Jack Hackett, a native of Lower Charles Street, will join Archbishop Desmond Tutu to upgrade the multi billion euro money spinner of Knock Shrine this week, as the Vatican seeks to boost the coffers and purchase more gold.

Fr Hackett, a functioning alcoholic in his spare time and DJ and in the Raftery Rooms Kiltimagh, will host the live TV event from his wheelchair. Fr Trendy returns from the Love Island villa to assist in on-screen blessings and incense shaking. The show will broadcast across the world, however those North Mayo viewers who own televisions will experience interference as usual.

A limited edition gift pack to commemorate the event is available to religious fanatics now on Amazon; including Knock holy water piped to your house/slatted house, box of f**s signed by his holiness, sourdough communion, and a years free subscription to the Far East.

Those who wish to attend the ceremony are asked to leave for Knock in good time and prepare for queues of headbangers. There will be no apparitions on the day. Don’t bring any oul sh*te to be blessed.

17/03/2021

St Patrick banishes last of the Castlebar snakes

The religious enigma St Patrick has appeared in the county town today, to conclude a major project, that of banishing Castlebar’s Snake Horan, the last remaining snake of the town.

Upon checking out of the Travellers Friend Hotel this morning, Saint Patrick proceeded to Caseys for some chicken fillet roll energy and a quick cape powerwash before embarking on the landmark banishment project of the lesser spotted transport tycoon, full name Mr Snake Serpentes Pythonidae Horan.

As a result of the banishment at 1pm, a cavalcade of buses dispersed out the N5 and other major routes, as the venomous snake departed spitting venom and f**king and blinding at the Welshman. Local bus services are now expected to be diminished and disrupted as a result. Members of the public are asked not to approach the deadly snake, as bites result in swelling and the handing over of tenners.

St Patrick is said to be glad of the achievement, however very disappointed that the Humbert is closed since his last visit to the town. He intends to scout out and visit a local sheebeen whilst in the area, before returning home to sh*tty Holyhead. He has declined to climb Croagh Patrick or go anywhere near Westport, describing it as ‘cuntish'.

08/03/2021

Celebrating great Castlebar women and their fantastic achievements on this International Women’s Day 2021.

01/03/2021

Limited edition Castle Bistro crisps back in stock!!

Castlebar Today News is proud to collaborate again with the finest restaurant of yesteryear.

Ingredients: Floury spuds from Burren, natural Castle Street carvery flavouring, Lough Lannagh sea salt, loads of E numbers.

Gluten free, dairy free, vegan and wa**er friendly.

Handcooked and dripping in grease. No GMOs, MSGs, VAT or AIB.

Now back in stock in Byons Late n Early, John Hanleys on the Mall, Mai Leonards and Carneys beside the church.

19/02/2021

Illegal dumping approved for Castlegrove

Council officials have instructed the public to bring any oul sh*te to Castlegrove and leave it there, as the new illegal dump opens to executive fanfare in the estate.

Three burnt out car shells and two tonne of illegal waste was transferred to the estate this week from the booster station. Castlebar News Today spoke to council officials today who claimed that illegal dumping on backroads is now over, conversing with heads buried in nearby sand and patting themselves on the back for privatisation of the sector.

In a socio-scientific process, slum residents in Castlegrove will act as scavengers and break down material through organic processes. A fine soil is created which will then be used to bury the estates shacks and develop an eco park. Ski slopes, to be named ‘Beverley Thrills’, are mooted for future plans, allowing partakers to ski on the sh*te heap down to Super Valu or into Mantra when it reopens.

Mattresses, food waste and oil will be taken free of charge and given to residents. Other dumping fees will be discussed by town mayor Whitie Galvin at this weekends council golfing get-together.

11/02/2021

Win a Rampant Rabbit for Valentines Day, sponsored by local Pet store.

Get that Special woman what she really wants this Valentines Day.

Is she satisfied with your current furry friend.

Does her little friend need a kick-start?

Does she still get the same buzz from her Bugsy?

Now she can spend Valentines weekend in a Rampant mood .

Horkans introduce Rampant Rabbits for Valentines Weekend, No holes refused!!

Yes you have to see it to believe it, caged Rampant Rabbits on offer this weekend. These hairy Japanese bastards are in stock for a limited time only.
To win a Rabbit this weekend, tell us why you deserve one in the comments section. Best answer gets a Rabbit.

The Rampant Rabbit will be available to collect on Sunday morning in Mulroys Petrol Station. The one at the roundabout.

Remember to support local by buying local.

04/02/2021

Buckfast & tasties: A brief history of Saturday night fever in Castlebar

‘Ya f**kin forgot the wet look gel'. Used to give the mother awful hell.

Need to spike the fringe like Sonic the Hedgehog before hanging out in the alleyway at Linenhall St, waiting on tasties.

‘Have ya skins' a man said behind me, boxed him in the face. Then the holy grail arrived, to my embrace.

Like the Jules Rimet trophy in a paper bag, bigger buzz than a Maradona party in Naples. The origins of Buckfast are said to have come from a monk by the name of Padraic Sloyan, circa late 90s.

Christmas came early every Saturday night. Down the carpark, hood up, chest out. Got a light?

The pilgrimage of holy spirits departed Main Street, towards the promised land of the TF and the mecca of the dancefloor. Irish House, Rowlands and Hennellys. Blue WKD from every pore. Liver pickled, brain cells on the picket line.

‘Have ya ID'. I have everything baby. Including me brothers red ID. Now hook that fat frog to my veins, wanna roar the eardrums off Cameron Diaz in the corner there, the ride.

Laser lights and dirty fights, two black eyes and zero sights.

Wake up 7am, its Monday morning, I'm at an Ibiza themed house party in Dave Pache's gaff. I’m getting too old.

29/01/2021

Minister for Funerals confirms cardboard cutout funeral attendance

Serial funeral attendee Mickey Ping, the undisputed Minister for Funerals, has confirmed his attendance at all upcoming wakes... as a cardboard cutout.

The politician has claimed to be bored sh*tless, resorting to playing online games of 25 with Dillon Allen on a nightly basis and enduring hourly spasms and convulsions from funeral withdrawal.

To alleviate this, the Covie slumdog has given all local funeral directors a cardboard cutout of himself. He is also in talks with Mickeysoft to develop a full 3D hologram, which can shake hands, to appear at funerals.

A further deal has been struck with Caseys Centra to beam the hologram across the lake to the new cemetery, where he can appear graveside.

Mr Ping will continue to hurl online and social media abuse at rival TDs and has stressed to funeral directors to give him a shout if they want more than one cardboard cutout.

24/01/2021

Friendly and efficient service at Robinson’s garage

Our man Bernie will service you, always

Specials on green diesel this week only, no Revenue around lately

Briquettes and bag of logs come with free can of accelerant (f**kin petrol)

Good smokey coal, the hard stuff

Free air

Romanian lads now ready to wash your car

We are Castlebar’s most personalised service station, looking after your every intimate need

15/01/2021

Mooovin’ On Up: Black market gym bust at Balla Mart

300 sc****ly clad women, two fellas, and a midget were today cautioned in a speakeasy style black market gym bust at Balla Mart.

Rogue organisers evaded Gardai by legging it down the nearby train tracks to Manulla, whilst officers also found an illicit whey protein factory on site.

Garda Paddy Sprockett noted there was a few heifers in attendance, citing Christmas indulgence but nonetheless left the premises with names, addresses and a horn.

Pirate workout videos starring Mr Motivator and Liz from Coronation Street were seized, along with a loada f**king juice.

Balla Mart management declined to comment other than promote its online video sales for bullocks this Saturday.

05/01/2021

Job Alert: Players wanted, Mayo GAA

Players (x3) roles available for prestigious county senior team

Walk-in interviews to take place at An Sportlann, McHale Park on Friday evening, dress smart, no cowsh*te, refreshments served

NO CANVASSING

Requirements:
Junior B as a minimum
Floppy haircuts or good hairlines
Must be Audi or Volkswagen driver
Must have O Neill’s tracksuit bottoms
Must not be related to any dirty Rossies
Excellent interpersonal and shouldering skills
Experience of handling mouthy f**kers/howiyas from the east of the country a distinct advantage

Benefits include free boots, 5000 Instagram followers and obsessed women from North Mayo.

Please bring detailed CV of county final appearances and number of previous mentions on Mid West.

02/01/2021

Local shebeen reports a roaring trade

Gardai have busted another shebeen today, as a distinct smell of Bacon Fries farts gave the game away. The find was confirmed after a Mexican cartel style tunnel was uncovered off AIB car park, leading to the premises.

Upon entering the Market Square establishment, they came across alcohol, cash, 3000 people, a high profile member of the town council, Shergar, Lord Lucan and a jukebox playing ‘Sam Maguires Coming Home to Mayo 96' on repeat. The barman was unconscious behind the bar, albeit still serving pints and able to communicate that business is ‘roaring’.

Gardai took numbers of all patrons present and asked that they invite them to the next session, so they could bring the wife. One crate of Guinness was confiscated for personal use at the station.

The superintendent allowed the premises to continue serving, as a great hallmark of booming town commerce, however a fine was issued for the sale of sh*te King crisps over Tayto.

25/12/2020

Santa Claus ambushed over Knockthomas

Reports today that Santa Claus has fallen victim to a gang of Pill Hill junkies overnight are unfortunately true, and delivery of presents for certain parts of the town haven’t materialised due to the incident.

A can of Linden Village and a rocket launcher were used as projectile weapons in Riverdale Court, knocking Santa out of his sleigh, where he was subsequently robbed of mince pies and ten Guinness. Shlaps were thrown. His big sack was also violated by local riff raff. Local residents reported sightings of the scum riding Rudolph ba****ck around the green at first light this morning.

Gardai in Castlebar have yet to comment as all are in bed stomached after the grub. The shocking news comes after a similar report from Westport, where Santa was held at gunpoint in the Michael Davitt Park favelas last night.

Castlebar Today News staff will this evening don the Santa outfits and deliver gifts and toys to those left out, and to the poor needy residents of Tara Court. We’re sound. Happy Christmas to all xx

23/12/2020

Under the sink: The best hiding place for your bottle of Christmas poitín

A recent poitín survey has revealed the best place for your bottle of Christmas poitín to be in the dark, unsuspicious confines of under the sink. The location ticks every box for safe and hidden storage. The shed and back of the drinks cabinet came in 2nd and 3rd respectively.

Favoured poitín bottles include 7up and Bacardi, both disguising your white lightening from nosey f**ks. Upon receipt of the gift from your neighbour, local farmer or lover, one should put in darkness within 12 hours to maintain its potency.

The survey also revealed preferred times for consumption to be dinnertime and first thing in the morning. Favourite traits of poitín consumption are shouting, roaring and spitting on the carpet, whilst least favoured are dealing with the wife, fighting with neighbours and people looking at you strangely at mass.

As dealers gear up for a strong final day of production before Christmas, remember to shop local and support local poitín.

19/12/2020

No story required !! 💚❤️

18/12/2020

Shout for Stout: Takeaway pints for tomorrows match

Few socials for the Mayo v Howiya match? Stocious maybe? Give President Byrne a call and the man will deliver the mothers milk whilst Mayo deliver on the pitch. Mick will be pumping from 3pm tomorrow until he’s out of diesel, serving stout only, no pu***es drinks. Mars and Twix also available. Not available to cover Chestnut Grove after last years fiasco. No meejums. Call 1800 090 808 and shout for stout

16/12/2020

Popular nightclub relocates to Castlebar for All Ireland final weekend

The mighty tour de force of nightclubs and s*x dungeons Copper Face Jacks has appeared on Main St in advance of Saturdays All Ireland final between Mayo and the Howiyas. Further investigation by Castlebar Today News can reveal the club is here PERMANENTLY.

Town President Mick Byrne has struck a deal to purchase the premises, to spook the Dubs, and has ripped the f**kin’ lot out of Harcourt Street, Dublin 2 overnight. Builders relocated the premises to Micks pub on Main Street this morning, amid wild scenes of vomit, fag butts and skirt. The club will open on Friday night and Gardai have been told turn a blind eye, leave the nurses alone, at least till next week.

There will be a strict dress code of green and red only. Mayo cowboy hat lunatics will be given priority admission. No Dubs or dirty Rossies it goes without saying. No Deanos, Antos or Waynes. No he**in addicts from Tara Court.

Come and have a dance to Cillian Me Softly, horse down a few O’Sheagerbombs, whilst butchering the Green & Red of Mayo.....go Mayo mad!

Entertainment on the night by Dj Calm Mick. Techno and psy trance out the back with Tommy Marren. Tickets on sale now down at Micks. First 2 x people to come down and say ‘The Rats from the Flats' get in for free.

13/12/2020

97% of clutches burnt out on Shambles Street

Contrary f**kers and spiteful coffin dodgers are at the centre of a ‘clutchdemic’ in the county town, we can report, as Shambles Street hill continues to take motoring victims.

Damning reports of rosary bead clad biddys and wellie wearing oul fellas in Landcruisers, revving the absolute sh*te out of engines on the hill to get up to Main Street, have been heard as far away as New York. Young wans eager with the right foot and mad out of it on charly are also mentioned in this latest EU report.

Local mechanics are working 24/7 to replace clutches, with a shipping container of new parts delivered to the town each week. A 100% burnt out rate is occurring on Micra and Yaris models. 30-50 year old people, men especially, are said to be exempt, with 0% occurrences recorded.

The constant revving has blown out shop windows in Market Square, flame grilled the steaks in Kettericks Butchers, and smashed all the pint glasses in Cannons Pub. It has also uncovered a 2001 Kitty Hawks full Irish fry from under the bedrock.

A car conveyor belt is being considered by the council to elevate motors to Main Street level, this plan will commence once Mayor Whitie Galvin secures funding via weekend collections outside Dunnes.

10/12/2020

Castlebar Booze Tram lifts off!

Grab the brown shoes, get the curly blow dry booked and toenails painted, as Castlebar's biggest social experiment takes off this weekend!

The booze tram is the brainchild of former alcoholic Peter Laffin, who has been dying for a few social pints the last 10 months. A collaboration between Peter and Castlebar train station has allowed tracks to be laid down on all major drinking streets in the town, creating a Saturday night vibe and pub crawl on the move.

The drinking route finishes in Lough Lannagh in proper booze cruise fashion, as the tram is also amphibious, where a moonlit nightcap of Buckfast and yokes will conclude your night (extra supplement applies).

The tram will have 10 beer taps, numerous dance floors, poles and disco balls. There will be no seats however. Lap dancing is available upon request. Smoking allowed in all areas. No toilets, tie a knot in it. Gardai will turn a blind eye. Any members of the public complaining can f**k off.

Call the ‘Liquor Line' on 094 90303450 to book tickets, or alternatively Henry in Music Megastore on Market Square. No covies or Blue Shirts. No hounding the bar women.

03/12/2020

Breaking News

After a torturous 3 month journey from a sweat shop in Ballina we can confirm that a container ship has just docked in Lough Lannagh containing thousands of this years hottest fashion item, yes you guessed it “Castlebar Today News” T-Shirts.

For only €20 you could give the gift of LOVE to a fella Castlebarian or even a citizen from Westport who needs a STYLE injection. These T-Shirts were featured in the 2020 Ballyvary Fashion Week as worn by local super model Maureen Rafferty and are an absolute must have for anyone who has notions.

DM us and get your orders in fast because we need a few quid to buy cans of Dutch Gold/f**s & Bacon Fries for the Castlebar Today News Christmas Party.

Be a sound skin and support a local Castlebar business by purchasing your t-shirt today.

01/12/2020

Local scumbag camps outside Sports Direct for 33 days

A 29 year old Castlebar resident, who camped outside the Sports Direct store for 5 weeks awaiting its reopening, has been before the courts this evening. The man is accused of theft of Lonsdale runners to the value of €8.99 and a 5 pack of white socks at 9.03am this morning.

Tony ‘Twenty’ Benson-Mann was caught red handed trying to smuggle the goods out of the shop under his baseball hat. A scuffle broke out at the door with a security guard, with loud shouts of ‘Wharaya at fien’ (translation: what are you doing to me) heard by his own siblings a mile away in the Castlegrove slums. The Lonsdale runners in question were noted as ‘limited edition’ in the scumbag marketplace and reduced from €13.99.

Mr Benson-Mann, a former 2nd hand laptop salesman, has 37 previous convictions related to weapons, drug supply and headbutts. He told the court he has been camped outside the store since late October, surviving off Lucozade and refresher bars, in order to grab a bargain. He has been twice mistaken for rubbish, and nearly crushed by a local bin company. Judge Marty Delvin, also wearing a pair of limited edition Lonsdales, handed down a sentence of 50 lashes but agreed with his choice of footwear, proclaiming to the court that Reebok Classics are ‘only for Knockthomas junkies’.

The defendant left the court muttering ‘Any spaaare change?’

26/11/2020

John Hanley's to host the Toy Show

It has been announced this evening that the former John Hanley's toy shop in Market Square is to host this years toy show tomorrow, after RTE burnt down overnight. The major coup was confirmed after a blaze at RTE headquarters caused by Joe Duffy smoking f**s and drinking whiskey.

Existing clients in the old John Hanley’s building will be told to s**g off for the weekend, as video and production crew take over from the nearby JBTV. The host has been confirmed as local businessman Pat Jennings, with Henry McGlade on piano. Due to a barring order on pencil head Tubridy, he will not be setting foot in Mayo. No live audience will be allowed, however hosts will throw sweets, china and loaves at anyone gathering outside, sponsored by Byon's Late n Early, Gifts Inferior and Scott’s Bakery.

Lord Mayor Whitie Galvin will host a 10 minute segment in a charity appeal for the annual donation of shovels. Any locals business looking to advertise on the show are asked to camp overnight, have money ready and will be seen to in the morning. No hagglers or thieving bastards allowed. Toys on the show will be kept to a bare minimum on the night.

24/11/2020

Now That’s What I Call Music Castlebar out now.

14 super hits of pure sh*te all on 1 super CD for the first time.

All proceeds in aid of the poor people of Westport Trocaire appeal.

1. Tolsters Paradise
2. Wake me up before you go go to Cosmos
3. I’m bringing Sexy Stacks
4. Ruby Ruby Ruby rooms
5. Here’s to you Tommy Robinson
6. She Rowan Drives Me Crazy
7. Blue Thunderstruck
8. Countryfresh Roads
9. Rathbawn in the USA
10. Just another Manor Village
11. An Shruthan of Life
12. Hotel Chipadora
13. Lough Lannagh na na na na
14. Fat Frogs In Hennellys

Also featuring Bonus Tracks – Happy Christmas Westport, War is Starting & Bodhrán na bhFiann.

All songs magically voiced by the legend James Kilbane, James will be available to sign copies at Downtown Records so have your knickers at the ready.

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In 2020 a group of elite journalists from all over the globe got together to create Castlebar Today News & Media. Our mission is to bring you “ News That Really Matters “ Especially when it happens in Castlebar, County Mayo, Ireland.