I know, because this was me 😫
Your friend asks you for a favour, or perhaps your co-worker, your neighbour...
Your mind is whirring as you try and think about the logistics and whether you’re going to be able to help them. And the thing is, you can’t really! 😬😥
You have a deadline or another commitment and it’s just not realistic for you to be able to do this thing as well.
But as you consider saying “no”, you have this horrible feeling in your chest, your gut, your heart.
It feels SO strongly like it would be wrong to say no 😰
And before you know it, you hear yourself saying “Sure, of course, I can do that.”
And you feel a little relieved... before you feel EXTRA stressed.
Because how on earth are you going to make it happen? 😵💫
What I want you to know👇🏻
That feeling in your gut, your heart, your chest or wherever you feel it?
⚠️ That’s not your intuition ⚠️
We’re often told that we can ‘feel’ what’s ‘right’ - and I think there’s truth in that, of course!
But only when we’ve re-learnt to discern between intuition and fear, between intuition and conditioning.
The feeling that tells you it would be so very wrong to say no? That’s based on years (maybe decades) of messages received and beliefs created around what it means to be a good person, a worthy person.
And I can tell you now that those beliefs aren’t true!
What to do?👇🏻
Start buying yourself time! ⏱️
Get into the habit of using a holding response like, “Thank you for asking, let me think about that and l’ll let you know as soon as I can.”
That will give you a moment to go and ground yourself, REALLY check in with yourself (logistics, practicality, your physical and emotional capacity, your values, your needs and anything else relevant) and if necessary prepare for how to say a loving but firm “no”.
… and if these are the kind of dilemmas making day to day life super stressful and you’re SO READY
This drives me mad 🙃
Because ‘set boundaries’ is the first thing to come up when you look up people-pleasing, isn’t it?
And I absolutely agree that boundaries ARE key when it comes to ditching people-pleasing.
In fact, I think boundaries are how you get to live a life you’re actually excited to wake up to in the morning (not this life that feels like you’re just going through the motions trying to keep everyone happy 😣)!
I just don’t think it’s the FIRST thing we should focus on.
Most of us ‘know’ that we’re allowed to set boundaries. We’ve probably read everything we possibly can and listened to ALL the podcasts about how important they are, right?
But if you’re anything like I was…
Even just the thought of having those conversations feels excruciatingly uncomfortable and simply impossible 😱
Why? Because underneath the people-pleasing lies a set of beliefs. Those are SO engrained and sometimes even completely at odds with what we logically ‘know’ to be true.
On top of that, when we start out - we haven’t been setting boundaries, so we’re in this big overwhelming mess 😵💫
Where to even begin?
And… our boundaries WILL inconvenience others. There most likely WILL be some pushback in the beginning.
Without any other work, we’re not necessarily equipped to handle that. Cue berating ourselves for not dealing with things better and giving up altogether 😫
Which is such a shame!! Because there’s totally another way 🙌🏻
Here’s what I focus on with my clients in those first 1-2 sessions that sets them up for success:
✨ Nervous system regulation: As people-pleasers, we’re on high alert ALL the time. Before anything else, we need to find ways to help us create safety and relaxation in our bodies.
✨ Beliefs: We identify the core beliefs underpinning your people-pleasing and start to rewire them!
And only with those things covered, do we move on to the strategy…
And that’s the m
Seeing the ripple effect coaching has on ALL areas of clients’ lives (I’m talking thriving careers, deeper and more authentic relationships, feeling energised and joyful in day to day life, you name it! 😭🤩) is NEVER going to get boring to me.
Sometimes, it’s just that one tiny domino you tip over that sets it all in motion 🤯
What would you be doing with your life if you weren’t so stuck trying to keep everyone around you happy?
My 3 month coaching programme is for people-pleasers who are CRAVING more freedom and ease instead of anxiety and overthinking.
If you want to handle tricky conversations with grace and confidence - like of course you’d stand up for yourself, why would you deserve anything less? 💁🏼♀️
If you want to feel grounded and safe be yourself, knowing you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and being totally fine with that 😌
… then my 3 month 1:1 programme is for you!
This is how we do it 👇🏻
✨ Understanding your people-pleasing and its roots
✨ Belief change work on the subconscious level
✨ Nervous system regulation
✨ Strategy and practical tools to navigate the daily situations you’re experiencing
✨ Practice!
Drop me a DM with the word “COACHING” )or just say hi and let me know you’re interested 👋🏻) and I’ll share all the details with you ☺️💛
#peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleaserproblems #peoplepleasingrecovery #healingjourney #empoweryourlife #selflove #selfworth #confidence
My clients are always really surprised about this 👇🏻
When we have our first session, it’s usually still a little daunting to them. They’re wondering whether change is really possible and think I’m going to tell them to do something outrageously difficult 😕
And yet, they always leave the call feeling motivated and excited that they have a plan of action that’s achievable 🔥
In my experience, sustainable change is created by taking actions that feel stretchy but still manageable. The kind that give you flutters in your belly AND at the same time you know you can do it.
And if you do that over and over again? In 3 months’ time, you’ll be in an entirely different place 🙌🏻
So that’s your starting point:
What would be the smallest possible thing you could do that would push you out of your comfort zone without sending you into a blind panic?
Maybe for you, it would feel a little stretchy to ask your partner to give you a massage? Or to speak up during the massage when something isn’t feeling so good and tell them what you’d like them to do instead. And that might be all you practise for now!
And it’s totally ok if that’s too much for you.
Perhaps you’re not even going to do anything differently, maybe you’re simply going to focus on NOTICING every time you’re doing something you don’t really want to be doing. And that’s it.
That feels more achievable, doesn’t it?
Because right now you’re really not setting yourself up for success, but this way, you’re going to practise from the bottom up until you ARE setting boundaries and saying “no” with ease, feeling energised and spending time how you choose ☺️
If you’re ready to make a start, send me a DM with the word COACHING for the details of my 1:1 programme 💛
#peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleaserproblems #peoplepleasingrecovery #healingjourney #empoweryourlife #boundaries #settingboundaries
No but for real, I was rubbish when I started my training 😬 (Thank goodness for all the practice and feedback!)
The trouble was that I had all the empathy and compassion in the world, but I would get completely stuck in the problem with you.
I was such a people-pleaser that it stopped me from asking the real probing questions, from digging deeper or giving those nudges and perspective shifts that are needed when you’re wanting to make big changes.
Now? The fact I’m a recovering people-pleaser has become my superpower (and maybe not how you think?)👇🏻
If you people-please your coach and tell them what you think they want to hear or something that is going to make you look good, rather than telling them the truth - the embarrassing stuff, the stuff you think doesn’t make sense, the messy bits, the times when the techniques they use with you don’t work… then coaching probably isn’t going to work for you 🤷🏼♀️
So that is NOT what happens here - because I have that people-pleasing sixth sense 😂
I know the times it’s most likely to happen, so I can preempt it by adapting my approach. And if it still happens? I’ll know!
So, said with love (because I’ve done this all myself), you probably won’t get away with telling me you’ve found something helpful if you haven’t, or that something has changed if it hasn’t.
And that doesn’t mean I’m ever going to push you beyond what feels safe for you, but I AM going to give you the right level of challenge to make sure you move forward.
Because I don’t want you to be wasting your time and energy and money (like I have in the past when I’ve people-pleased my way through counselling without ever going to the places I needed to be going), I want you to get results!
If you’re a people-pleaser who’s ready for that gentle challenge, drop me a DM to chat about 1:1 coaching 🙂
#peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #peoplepleaserproblems #p
And if you know that logically, but somehow it’s just not sinking in - that makes sense, too. But stick around lovely and let’s get to work 💛
#selflove #selfworth #confidence #selfesteem #empowerment
Because that’s what I dooo!
Whether you’re craving healthier, deeper, more reciprocal relationships, whether you’re wanting to thrive in your career more, whether you want to take better care of yourself…
I just want you to be doing whatever you’d be doing if people-pleasing wasn’t holding you back! ✨
(And don’t get it twisted: I‘m not suggesting that there‘ll never be struggles or doubts or tricky moments or that there‘s some magical or immediate cure… I wish! But there ARE techniques, strategies, tools and practices so we can access more peacefulness, joy, and ease 💛)
And it’s my favourite thing in the world to do! So follow along @helen.bryer for all things overcoming people-pleasing 💛
#peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #peoplepleaserproblems #peoplepleasingrecovery #personaldevelopment #growth #healing #coaching #lifecoach #lifecoaching #lifecoachuk
Let’s say you have a situation at work that needs resolving. You keep coming back to it, to the point you’re getting distracted from what you need to be doing instead - you can’t think straight!
Maybe you have other important deadlines so you can’t take the time there and then (note: if you can, you should!), but what you COULD do is plan a ‘time to worry’. You can make space, just 15-30 minutes, to give it your full attention. Book it into your calendar, set yourself a reminder.
Maybe take just 2 minutes to use a quick self-regulation technique.
Now your brain knows it has safely been shelved and will be attended to, you can carry on with your day.
When the dedicated time comes around, you can focus back on your situation/dilemma/decision/concern and you’re going to give it the space it needs, even if that’s a bit uncomfortable.
You’re going to spend 3/4 of that time honestly examining ALL the thoughts, whether they seem rational or irrational. Ideally, write them out or speak them out loud in a voice note (this will help avoid the circling because you’ll see or notice where you might be repeating yourself).
The last 5 minutes, you’re going to decide what should happen next: Is there an action you now need to take? When are you going to take it?
And then, you’re going to focus on helping your brain to understand that the message it was trying to send you was heard and understood, and your body to feel safe and grounded again through committing to whatever actions need taking and regulating your nervous system.
No more waking up in the night with racing thoughts you can’t shut down! 🙌🏻
Are you going to try it? I’d love to hear how you get on.
And if you’re a people-pleaser ready to make a big shift and be supported, I have a limited number of Freedom Accelerator Sessions available. Comment or DM the word Freedom (or just say hi and let me know you’re interested) and I’ll share the details ☺️
#peoplepleasing #
I’m not saying you don’t already have those, but maybe they could do with developing a bit further?
✨ Self-awareness:
By this I mean the ability to observe ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts and our behaviours with curiosity and compassion. The more we understand ourselves and the kinder we can be to ourselves, the easier it becomes to unpick our patterns and develop new strategies.
✨ Communication:
As people-pleasers, our communication tends to be focused on appeasing others. We lack clarity, often adding waffle and fluffiness to our message to overexplain ourselves and soften any trickier messages we have. On the other hand, we can be defensive and struggle to communicate through conflict. Developing communication skills is key to help us set and hold boundaries and just generally live an easier life.
✨ Emotional regulation:
In part, people pleasing happens because we struggle to cope with other people’s and our own ‘negative’ feelings. We feel constantly guilty for letting people down, we feel anxious when we perceive someone else as not liking us, we overthink interactions and people’s judgments of us.
To be able to implement other strategies and interrupt the people-pleasing patterns, we’re going to have to learn to sit with some discomfort that is inevitably going to come up, and support ourselves through it.
Which one would you pick to focus on right now?
Follow along @helen.bryer for more on people-pleasing ✨
#peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #peoplepleaserproblems #peoplepleasingrecovery #boundaries #settingboundaries #personaldevelopment #growth #healing #selflove #selfcare #wellness #wellbeing #coaching #lifecoach #lifecoaching #lifecoachuk
An impromptu chat about when we have resistance to what we need the most.
I chat about:
✨ How nervous system regulation is key in people-pleasing recovery
✨ The fact that people-pleasers tend to live in a near constant state of activation with little opportunities for our body to truly get into a rest and digest state
✨ The reasons why we can feel so resistant to nervous system regulation practices, even when we need them the most
If you’re keen to hear more, I’d love to know! Comment or DM me 🙂
#peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #peoplepleaserproblems
When we stop being at war with ourselves and adding so much pressure, we give ourselves the best opportunity to actually learn a new way of being ✨
The way I see it, this harshly self-critical way of talking to ourselves can be part of what keeps us stuck in the problem because anytime we don’t manage to do something perfectly, we’re then feeling like maybe it’s pointless (“maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe people-pleasing is just the way I am” etc) 😫
Imagine if a child were learning to read or write and all you kept saying was:
“You should know this by now.”
“Why is it taking so long, it shouldn’t be this hard?”
“I can’t believe you messed that up”
😰
You just wouldn’t, would you?
Most of us intuitively have a sense that learning a huge new skill or behaviour is going to take a little time, require lots of opportunities to practice, and a lot of compassion and encouragement when things are hard.
We need those things!
3 questions to reflect or journal on that can help with accessing that compassion 👇🏻
✨ How has people-pleasing benefitted you in the past?
✨ The part of you that wants to keep people-pleasing, what is it trying to protect you from?
✨ If you were speaking to a loved one about this struggle, how would you encourage them?
If you’ve thought about working together, I have some availability coming up for 1:1 work so DM me the word “COACHING” to have a chat ☺️
#peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleaserproblems #peoplepleasingnomore #peoplepleasingrecovery #peoplepleaserinrecovery #coaching #lifecoach #lifecoaching #lifecoachuk #change #transformation #learning #growth #personaldevelopment
Have you ever felt disappointed, forgotten, unappreciated? ❤️🩹
I’m sure everyone has at some point, but for people-pleasers it’s easy to fall into relationships in which you’re making all the effort, investing all the energy… for people who don’t afford you that same care.
Sometimes it’s mostly about the other person - they just don’t truly care about us, or they’re selfish, or they’re downright abusive.
But often at least some of the dynamic is actually about us 🫢
I’ve unpicked it a little more on the podcast (🎙️the link is in my bio), but here’s a question for you to reflect on:
How well are you able to receive in your life?
Whether it’s a compliment, a gift, someone’s time and energy…
Because my experience is this: For many people-pleasers it feels excruciatingly uncomfortable to ask for help or accept even the simplest kind gestures 😬
We’re so focused on giving and being useful to others, making sure we’re never a burden… that we inadvertently make it VERY tricky for others to give to us, to support us.
After all, if your partner was always jumping to take care of everything, brushed off any compliments you made, insisted they could do everything themselves… how motivated would you be to keep offering your support?
When actually, if you could let them in a little more…
Maybe they would actually ENJOY supporting you?
Maybe they want to be on your team?
Maybe they’d feel closer to you if they felt you trusted them with what you need, if you trusted them enough to be a little vulnerable?
(This of course applies to people who CAN be trusted but people-pleasing beliefs are holding us back)
If you’ve an inkling that you’ve been doing this, perhaps this week you could practice receiving in a tiny way:
Maybe you could fully accept and receive a compliment from your partner.
Maybe you could share a tiny thing they could support you with.
And see what happens, notice how it feels.
Fo
