Fishpants

19/12/2023

I have always had a weird relationship with Sleep.

I have heard there are studies with ADHD and sleep patterns, chemical differences where people with ADHD tend to have an out of place cycle. They get tired later and such. ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4340974/ )

I believe it.

For years I try and keep myself to a reasonable sleep pattern so I can do my 'flexible' but laregly 9-5 day. I struggle to keep my sleep pattern regular. I cant get to sleep, I wake up constantly tired. Its a bit of hell.

Last night .. I gave up. Didnt struggle to get to sleep, didnt fight it.. just stayed up til i was tired at 5am. Slept 8 hours. Work up late as hell for work in a way but ... rested; awake and actually feeling better than I have for ages.

The problem is .. the world isnt going to let me be like that long term lol ..

I might see if i can do this once or twice a week though .. god it feels like a relief to just not wake up tired as f.

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is commonly associated with disordered or disturbed sleep. The relationships of ADHD with sleep problems, psychiatric comorbidities and medications are complex and multidirectional. Evidence from published ...

15/12/2023

The Weight of Christmas.
Trigger warning: Su***de.

I've wanted to talk about this for a while.

Everyone seems to want such a high level of positivity around Christmas, if you are at all negative about it, you can / are labelled as a Grinch by many.

But .. We know that Christmas 'for many' causes depression. The additional financial burdens..the fact it has a much higher su***de rate.

As christmas draws closer, I am not so much looking forward to time with my child, as feeling impending dread. This is now 5 years after my divorce. But is part of what is causing extra pressure for me.

Of course part of me is looking forward to it; time with my son; tme off for the holidays but..

Have I done enough?
Am I letting him down by not doing more?
Have i decorated enough.
Spent enough.

Between demand avoidance, executive dysfunction and anxiety something as simple as putting up the christmas tree with him; can cause a lot of stress and I wonder if this is the reason I cant sleep well currently.

My ex wife brought up 'in court', the fact that last Christmas I gave my son Lasagna for dinner; in an effort to demonstrate that I am not doing enough.. and / or am a bad father as a result.

Despite knowing deep down that I did the right thing I'm still thinking about it .. its still causing pressure.

The simple facts of the matter are. He wanted anything but another Roast dinner. As at that stage he had had 3 roast dinners in one week. So given the choice; he chose lasagna and me being me, I said sure whatever you want.

But I can see all of these small things, building the pressure. Causing the stress. Ruining the holidays and primarily because...

I cant even admit how hard Christmas is for me.
Its other peoples expectations.

This of course means that I want to again push people away. Sometimes even people that should 'be' my support circle.

Its a vicious circle and it sucks you in.

And I dont even consider myself to have a high level of reason for depression over the Christmas period. We are 5 years down and im now off of anti-depressants, things are getting better slowly.

So if I am struggling this much .. How much is someone else struggling with worse problems..

I am sorry if this sounds depressing or Grinch like :)

But. I want to be able to speak with my peers; have a healthy talk about what we can do to manage the season better and help each other.

14/12/2023

So .. basically this page is just somewhere I can be me, away from prying eyes, unmasked in a spectrum sense.

Minecraft, and neurodiversity. Quite possibly some re-posting and memes.