That Autistic Lady

06/08/2024

I don't share much about my family, yet there are still assumptions made about us. Some of it may come from other people sharing their specific experiences about their neurodivergent families online. But some is down to how social media only shows a glimpse of reality.

"It must be hard to parent two neurodivergent children."-  I wouldn't know any different, and I imagine parenting is hard for everyone. Being responsible for other humans is scary sometimes.

"You must understand them better as you're the same." - No because we are all individual people. There may be a diagnosis or three we have in common, but our support needs, sensory profiles, communication styles, how we process information, and our strengths are all very different.

"You must be able to get them all the support they need at school/college/work/home because of what you do for a living."- No, I have to fight and claw my way through broken systems and discrimination like everyone else.

"You must be an expert." - Nobody is an expert. I've been a parent for 16 years and a partner for 18, yet I question whether I'm doing things right every day.

We argue, laugh, and probably shouldn't play board games together like many other families, and I am beyond grateful for them ❤️

31/07/2024

I'm so excited to be back. I've really missed oversharing with you all. This was the second year that I took a step back from social media and content creation for a few months, but this year, I also took a break from other parts of my life too. I feel refreshed and ready to slowly add things back in when I need to.

I absolutely love having the opportunity to share my experiences and have an outlet for my busy brain. It's hard to stop something I enjoy so much, but I have to prioritise myself, and I'm still getting used to resting out of choice and not when I'm in burnout or unwell.

I know rest is extremely important, but it's not natural for me. I'm unfortunately hardwired to overwork and strive for perfection and ridiculous levels of productivity. That comes at a huge cost, though, and one I refuse to pay now. I've had to battle with that urge to achieve everything, be the problem fixer, the reliable one, and the one that has their sh*t together all the time. It's exhausting to even think about, and I didn't win any medals in the process. All of that for me was avoidance, masking, and an unhealthy coping mechanism.

I now know that I have to prioritise rest and make it part of my life. Sounds simple, but it's been a massive learning curve. For me, rest doesn't need to be laying down in a quiet, dark room doing nothing, although that does sound pretty nice. It's taking smaller steps to reduce how much I'm doing. It's pausing, stripping things back, taking a break, and some space. It's not coming to a full halt, as an understimulated ADHD brain is not my idea of fun. It's not something I need to earn either.

So I won't sit here and tell you how productive I've been or how much I've achieved over the past three months because there is not much to tell. I went to work because feeding two teens and three dogs isn't cheap 😅. I've spent time with my friends and went on a well needed holiday with my family.

That's it.

And that's more than enough.

04/06/2024

Hello 👋

It has been a month since I started my content creation break, so I just wanted to pop in to say I'm alive and I miss you all 🥰

I've reduced so much in my life over the last month to focus on my family, and I've found it quite strange to have the head space to actually focus on myself too. So much has happened in only a month, which I'm really excited to share with you all when I'm back.

Wenna ❤️

01/05/2024

Hey everyone 👋

I just wanted to let you all know that I am taking a break from my page for a little while. I absolutely love creating content and oversharing on a random Monday  afternoon, but things are getting really busy here.

It's GCSE's next week for our son, so we are trying to make sure our home is as calm as possible. Work is really busy and I'm travelling a lot. My 6 monthly check up scans are again booked within the same fortnight of each other so I'm likely to turn up to the wrong hospital at some point 😅 I'm about to start a new physio rehabilitation programme which took a months worth of my energy just in my first session, so that will be a delight to do every day.

And... I have a book to finish. Almost there 🤞🙌

I'll be back soon, ready to overshare and laugh at my own jokes.

Wenna ❤️

26/04/2024

Today is my and my husbands 18 year anniversary.

Why am I writing about this?...

Because of the stereotype made about neurodivergent people, especially autistic people, that we don't understand love and are somehow incapable of romantic relationships.

How ridiculous is that? Of course we can.

We met at a party when we were 17 and 18. At the end of the night, he told me to "get my coat" (a very British chat up line), however, I had no idea he was using an awful chat up line.

If I had not taken that literally, thinking he was just being nice, reminding me to grab my coat before we left, and instead realised he was being cringey, I probably would have never spoken to him again.

We quickly realised we had a lot in common, but we are also different in so many ways.

He's confident, sociable, pragmatic, and calm. I'm none of those things, but I am hilarious.

We infodump about our interests to each other, usually whilst the other is zoning out.

We support each other seamlessly without question, using our own strengths to support the other with what they find difficult.

We copy each others vocal stims and annoy each other every single day.

And he always says yes to rescuing a new dog 🐕

We are each others safe person 🥰

Is our relationship different? Maybe.
Isn't everyone's unique to them?

Love looks different for everyone ❤️

25/04/2024

Healing is hard 💔

23/04/2024

I use my platform to share my experiences as an autistic ADHDer. To challenge stereotypes, change the narrative and create a safe space for others. I can only do this when I'm creating a safe space for myself.

For the last 2 years, someone has continuously made me feel unsafe and I'm currently fighting for that right to feel safe again. As there are now legal proceedings and the police are involved, I will have to limit what I share here. I'm sharing this as I'm not their first victim, there's 9 of us in total. I hoped I would be their last, but they continue to abuse and control others into believing an altered reality. They're dangerous and in a position of power. A position they thrive in.

When I first met this person, I was in a vulnerable place in survival mode, barely surviving autistic burnout. They came into my life like a breath of fresh air, charming, supportive and full of opportunities. A life line. I didn't sense they were going to abuse, harrass, control, manipulate or stalk me for a year. I'm not sure anyone would have seen it coming.

I didn't see anything 'off' until I started my recovery. As I got better, their behaviour started to change. It started small, almost hard to notice. Then it moved swiftly into anytime I put a boundary in place, I'd be made to regret it. Punished in the form of being ignored, gossiped about or humiliated in front of others, but told it was a joke. Always using my disability as the punchline and my mental health, which was still very fragile at this point would be questioned.

I would think to myself that maybe I was just having a 'wobble' like they said I was. I wasn't, I was being abused in a very subtle way. This continued for a year until one day I challenged their behaviour towards me and the other people I'd witnessed endure the same abuse. Big mistake. They told those around me that I was having a mental health breakdown, even going as far as telling people that didn't know me well to try and tarnish my credibility and mental stability. You can't change someone like that. Someone that is prepared to do anything to gain control, is impossible to challenge on your own, especially when they've tried to alienate you from other people at the same time.

I had no choice but to walk away for my own safety. It makes me ashamed to say that I tried to go on good terms. I was afraid that if I'd been treated like that by them so far, I didn't want to find out how they'd react if we fell out. For two weeks I had peace. I knew I'd made the right choice and the relief I felt was unreal.

Then the harrassment and stalking started. I ignored it at first. They then disclosed my disability in an unsafe way, still trying to prove they had control. I asked them to stop and just wanted nothing more than to move on with my life. But the harrassment and stalking continued. I documented everything and tried everything possible to cut all access to me. Unfortunately it kept escalating. For a year they ramped it up. Daily surveillance, stalking my family, strange messages, spreading rumours and intimidation.

They were asked to stop by a third party, however they still didn't understand how their behaviour was completely unacceptable, inappropriate or dangerous and continued until I took further action.

None of this should have happened. It shouldn't have got to the stage where I have to be cautious and on edge all the time. I shouldn't have had to take extra safety precautions when I travel or I'm on my own.

I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend why you would want to make someone feel like that. Feel so unsafe.

I am lucky to have supportive people around me that have helped me to start to feel safe again.

I deserve to feel safe.

21/04/2024

As there are now 25,000 of you 🤯 it's time for another very awkward hello 👋😂

My name is Wenna, I discovered I'm an Autistic ADHDer with dyspraxia, OCD and PMDD in adulthood, and it's completely changed my life. I live in the UK with my two neurodivergent children, my ADHD husband, and our rescue dogs Hank, Hettie, and Otto. 🥰

When I was younger, I wanted to be a professional ice skater, dancer, physiotherapist, or pizza delivery driver. Instead, I chose a drastically different career path in HR and as a neurodivergent consultant.

That Autistic Lady started out on Instagram originally after my autistic discovery at 30. I felt really lost, and I had so much to process. I didn't know how to tell people or implement any support for myself, so I decided to do what I do best and overshare with everyone. 🤷‍♀️
I posted an open letter about discovering I'm autistic and the rest spiralled from there.

I'm a recovered people pleaser, perfectionist, and I have given up being ridiculously organised because it was another form of masking for me, so I have spent the last few years letting go.
I also have MCAS, so getting stressed, which is the biggest trigger, could quite literally finish me off.

I'm incredibly ambitious, I laugh at my own jokes and cry when I'm happy. I love psychology, true crime, medical literature, and absolutely adore dogs. I've written my first book about my experience as a late diagnosed autistic ADHDer, which will be out later this year.

Although I love creating content and all the amazing people I have met along the way, I'm always really clear that I'm not an intentional advocate. I have a young family, a full-time job, and my own needs. I write about my own neurodivergent experience and hope something I write resonates with someone and helps them feel less alone in the world.

Thank you so much for being here.

Wenna
❤

18/04/2024

It's easy to forget that social media is not realistic. It's often the highlights from our lives or snippets of what we find difficult.

People like to fill in the gaps, both good and bad, making assumptions and shaping someone else's narrative.

13/04/2024

Just casually doing a key note talk after this guy. No big deal 😅

11/04/2024

I recently found out someone had made a derogatory comment about the fact I'm autistic whilst I was not present. There's nothing new there. I'm sure worse things are thought and said about me and others autistic experience than this particular comment. I don't know the person who said it, I only know of them and whilst it's not okay to say what they did, I feel sorry for them.

What surprised me was that they said this directly to one of my friends who defended me in my absence. No big deal, right? Surely that's what friends should do? Maybe, but that's more than friendship. For someone who is not autistic to defend me and educate someone on my disability in my absence. That's a true ally right there.

I am beyond grateful and extremely privileged to have them as an ally and friend. I'm even luckier in the fact, they're not the only person I have in my corner who would have my best interests at heart, support me and advocate for me whether I'm there or not.

This is no humble brag, though. It's acknowledgement of something powerful that makes up a lot of my support. I've not always had the best people around me in my life. But the people I do have in my life, whether it's my friends, colleagues, or my family. Especially the one brother who communicates mainly with dog memes to check in and won't actually read this 😂. They are my support network. They are my allies. Your allies.

Not only do they listen to me talk non stop about being neurodivergent, (almost like a continuous Ted talk they didn't sign up for), they have will advocate for others too and I am beyond grateful for them. ❤️

30/03/2024

There are not many things in life that I have tried and achieved the first time, or have achieved at all. Actually, I fail so often that when I do succeed, I don't believe it.

I wait for a while, expecting the reality check that there has been a mistake, and I've failed as usual. That all sounds very cynical, yet it's hard not to view it as my reality based on evidence of the past.

I've failed almost every exam I've ever taken. I failed my driving test five times before I passed. I've failed at jobs, relationships, and countless friendships. I have failed at parenting, which many parents feel, but that guilt cuts the deepest.

On a daily basis, I fail to remember basic things, sleep, communication, feeling productive, my own basic needs, and trying to function overall. Does this upset and frustrate me? Of course it does. Being like this as someone who holds themselves to a ridiculously high standard, and as someone with zero patience, it's not a great mix.

But that's the issue. I get in my own way. I put immense pressure on myself to succeed, that I stop myself achieving and end up in a cycle of failure. If I'm told by someone else that I can't do something, I will quite happily prove them wrong. But if I'm telling myself the same, that inner criticism stops me in my tracks.

It's been a constant battle with myself for years and something I'll probably always have to work on. I know I can achieve things, but I have to be realistic that it might take multiple attempts, and that's okay. The outcome is still the same. It will just take longer to get there. As long as I pick myself up and try my best, that's enough.

Failure used to fill me with fear and shame, but I've experienced it so much that now I understand failure isn't so bad after all. If anything, it makes me appreciate even the smallest achievements.

19/03/2024

If you've followed my page for some time, you'll know I collect all the troll comments and roll them up into cute content. It is rare that a troll comment bothers me. I only do this with the really ignorant and offensive ones. I'll block them as I do for the people who form an unhealthy attachment to me and have stalked me.

Trolling isn't always direct insults. Sometimes it's unwanted opinions, judgement and policing someone's self expression.

I get extremely frustrated when a fellow autistic or ADHD person tells me what I can and can't write or share. I'm told I'm wrong because that is not their experience or that I should change. Most recently, I've had several people say my experience is wrong because and I should be more like (insert their favourite advocate) who I usually love, but would never in a million compare myself to because we are very different people with different experiences.

I love learning from others and sometimes that does mean being challenged. Not a problem. There's a way to challenge and share different perspectives creating a healthy discussion or debate.

Pretentious and controlling though? Nope. Not for me. It's belittling, infuriating and would only lead to an argument.

These passive aggressive comments cut far deeper than someone throwing slurs and direct insults at me and do you know what? I do not understand it. I'm not even going to try to. I have zero patience or tolerance for it.

What really bothers me is that it fuels the inter community fighting. Don't we have enough to battle in the world without tearing each other down? Do I have or does anyone else have to automatically like someone just because they're neurodivergent? No. If I can't relate to something someone shares, would I pull them up on it? Also no.

My content will not be everyone. I am well aware. My experience will be different from others.

I don't get paid to create and share content and this isn't a support group. Instead what I hope is that it's a safe space for people and that includes me. I share my experiences so others might resonate and feel less alone in the world and because I get just as much back in return. It's an interest and something I do in my spare time because I want to, not because I have to.

This is MY page and I will share MY experience.

I will not be told what to do, especially by someone on the internet.

Not ever.

16/03/2024

This is powerful 👏❤️

13/03/2024

Wow 🤩

I'm am beyond honoured and grateful to have been nominated for the National Diversity Awards 2024 Positive Role Model Award- Disability 🏆💫✨️

If you would like to vote for me, click on the link in the comments.

(you will need to verify your vote by email afterwards)

10/03/2024

You taught me so much of what I know, but the biggest things you taught me growing up and even now in adulthood are to never settle for less, to be myself and to always stand up for what I believe in.

Thank you for being an amazing mum and nanny. Also, a big thanks for the ADHD 😂🥰

Happy mothers day mum ❤️

08/03/2024

Here's to the neurodivergent women who have...

Adapted out of survival.

Hidden parts of themselves to please others.

Made themselves smaller and quieter because they've been told they're too much.

Pushed themselves too far because they've never felt they're enough.

Ignored their own needs just to fit in.

Been laughed at for not knowing something.

Been berated for knowing too much.

Felt pressured to 'keep up' with peers.

Consistently been misunderstood.

Received judgment and are underestimated every day.

Been shamed for feeling different.

Resisted advocating for themselves through fear of being ignored and dismissed again.

Felt reluctant to trust people after years of emotional manipulation.

Experienced a level of loneliness that no one should ever have to feel.

Inequity is a reality for too many neurodivergent women.

Inclusion can often feel out of reach.

We deserve better.

We always have.

 

06/03/2024

I've been unwell recently and had to take time off of work. Yes, very sad, but moving on swiftly...

I have not been able to keep my mind stimulated enough, and an understimulated ADHD brain is not fun for anyone. During times like this, where my brain grasps desperately at any chance of dopamine, the mental hyperactivity ramps up significantly. It then starts seeking answers for things. It will not rest until it has answers, no matter how random these thoughts or questions are.

I call them my 3 am thoughts, and whilst they don't always wake me up in the middle of the night, they are mildy irritating and disrupt my peace because let's not forget... I'm autistic. Therefore, I need to know. I must have all the details and information surrounding these pointless yet mysterious questions.

So, I thought I'd share some of my most recent questions with some of the best problem solvers and deepest thinkers in the world. You, my amazing followers ❤️

I can only answer some of these, how about you?
(I know some of these are subjective)

1. Why does time feel both fast and slow?
2. Am I a good person, or do I only want to be perceived as one?
3. Are ghosts real?
4. What do people without any sense of humour do for fun?
5. What do dogs dream about?
6. If two mind readers read each other's minds at the same time, whose mind are they reading?
7. Do I know too much or too little?
8. What is your favourite song and why? (Toughest question)
9. If you could time travel, where would you go?
10. I feel like I've forgotten something important, what is it? (This is a daily question for me.)

02/03/2024

I am always open about the fact that I find it difficult to communicate. This can often be confusing for people because I can hold a conversation, articulate myself well in writing, hold eye contact and I'm very animated with my facial expressions and body language.

What I'm not so open about is how insecure I feel about one of those ways of communication and how hard I have to work at it. My speech.

The effort it takes to process what I want or need to say is huge. It doesn't matter who I'm talking with, how safe I'm feeling, or what situation I'm in. 90% of the time I'll fumble in my verbal communication.

What is in my brain compared to what comes out of my mouth are two very different things. Whilst my brain has raced ahead and made multiple, quick connections, my mouth will struggle to keep up. This then means that I can't say what I need to. For me, the word will suddenly dissappear from my vocabulary as if it never existed or I'll attempt it and fail because I've only managed to say a word which sounds similar, yet it likely does not hold the same meaning as the word I actually want to say.

It comes across as if I'm confused or possibly that I've simply mixed my words up. Sometimes, I'll manage a similar word. Other times, I lose the ability to pronounce the word, even if I can normally pronounce it. It's more like a lucky dip where my mouth grabs randomly at any word it can. It's clumsy, confusing and incredibly frustrating. I can try to get the right word once this happens, but there's still no guarantee I'll be able to find it or even say it.

People notice and react in different ways. Some will correct me. Some will laugh it off as if it's just a silly mistake and some don't say anything, but they've registered it. I'm not overly bothered by whatever someone may think about my speech, but it can be a tireless task not knowing what is going to process correctly and what isn't. What I intend to say is almost always different from what I do say.

There are times when I choose not to talk at all. Not because I'm anxious, but from feeling stuck because I can't express or articulate verbally what my brain is desperately trying to say, leaving my ADHD brain with all of it's busy thoughts and nowhere for them to go.

Until a few years ago. I realised I had a better, less draining way to use my voice. To share my experiences, communicate how I feel, express myself and be at my most vulnerable. I started to write.

That's my real voice.

29/02/2024

🥳🥳🥳

Tomorrow is the day our autism assessment service opens! 🥳

We are beyond proud of our team and all their hard work to get us here ❤️

For more information on our autism assessment service, please get in touch.

16/02/2024

This is very exciting ✨️

We are pleased to share that we will soon be offering private autism assessments 🥳

These assessments will be neurodivergent led and available to adults and children over 6 years old.

If you'd like more information, get in touch with us 😊

08/02/2024

I'm under no illusions that having safe people in our lives is unfortunately not an option for many people. Whether it's family, friends, or the people you work with, how do you figure out who is safe and who is not?

It might seem obvious to some, but anyone is vulnerable to toxic behaviour, especially those of us who may not see the signs so clearly.

I'm incredibly lucky to have safe people in my life, yet I've had my fair share of being around toxic and unsafe people. I have felt the heartbreak and betrayal, leaving me no choice but to walk away.

Unsafe people 🙅‍♀️

❌️Make you question yourself
❌️Leave you feeling like an option
❌️Things might feel off with them
❌️You might feel drained after seeing them
❌️You feel judged
❌️They love gossip
❌️They are highly critical of others
❌️Even though they treat you badly, they expect a lot from you.
❌️They might be manipulative or controlling
❌️They never take accountability for their bad behaviour

Safe people ⭐️

✅️ Are YOUR people
✅️They're supportive
✅️Empathetic
✅️Appreciate you
✅️Respect boundaries
✅️Treat you as an equal
✅️Non demanding
✅️Non judgemental
✅️Always protect you
✅️They are the ones who know you better than you know yourself
✅️They remind you of your strengths
✅️Inspire you to be your best 🥰

What else would you add to the safe people list?

05/02/2024

To the one that made me a mum.

You're 16 today, but it really does feel like yesterday that you were placed in my arms, and suddenly, the world felt different.

We are so proud of the person you are becoming. You are kind, smart, and incredibly ambitious. We can't wait to see all the incredible things you will achieve in the years ahead. Enjoy your special day and know that we love you more than words can express ❤️

04/02/2024

There are lots of new followers here, so it's time for another awkward introduction 👋

My name is Wenna, and I am an Autistic ADHDer. I also have Dyspraxia, OCD and PMDD. I live in the Oxfordshire in the UK with my neurodivergent family. My husband, our two children, and our rescue dogs Hank, Hettie, and Otto 🥰

I am almost finished with writing my first book that I'm hoping will be out later this year. I LOVE dogs 😍🐕 I'm currently learning Italian (badly), and I've just started to learn to play the guitar. I laugh at my own jokes, and I often get in my own way. I read medical journals for fun and love to unwind by watching anything about true crime.

I'm a recovered people pleaser and perfectionist. I'm also a few years into neurodivergent burnout recovery. I have a young family, I work full time, and I have my own support needs to consider. I'm neurodivergent with multiple chronic illnesses, mental health conditions, and an auto immune disease, which means I don't always have the energy to write or engage as much as I'd like to.  

I write and create videos about my own personal experiences as a late discovered neurodivergent person. After years of masking, feeling lost, and alone, I want to share my journey and change the narratives around Autism, ADHD, OCD, Dyspraxia and PMDD. I really hope that my content resonates with someone and helps them feel less alone in the world 💖

I have met some truly amazing people since starting this page, and every single one of you that follows me supports me more than I can put into words 🥰

Wenna ❤️

01/02/2024

Small

I've always felt confused about the fact that throughout my life, some people have assumed I'm laid back, passive, patient, and would avoid confrontation. Then suddenly, when they realise I'm not any of those things, they'd be shocked. I'd be frustrated and left wondering if they'd simply not read me correctly or didn't know me as well as I thought.

It's been a consistent problem that has left me wondering if it's me? Am I doing something wrong?

Yes, I am.

I'm naturally assertive and tenacious. I have an opinion on everything, and I'm not sure what patience is. Although I don't seek confrontation, I thrive in it, and there's only one person I know who I can't keep up with in an argument. They aren't personality traits I like to admit to or that I'm proud of, in any sense. They can come across as 'too much' or 'difficult', and they easily irritate people.

For most of my life, I really felt on the outside looking in. I felt I was different, so I moulded myself into a more acceptable version of myself. Something far beyond masking, although that does come into play to some extent. I'd shrink my very big and boisterous personality to please others, and it backfired every single time.

I've grown to understand how being autistic, ADHD and dyspraxic is for me in my 30s, which has meant unlearning decades of damaging ways that have prevented me from being my authentic self

It has taken a huge amount of self compassion and self-acceptance to understand that I'm not 'too much', 'difficult' or 'small'.

I'm ambitious, driven, kind, loyal, funny, intelligent, strong-willed, outspoken, and I stand up for what I believe in. I'm brave, loud, curious, and persistent beyond belief.

I'm big.

27/01/2024

From a very young age, I noticed patterns in people's behaviour. Not because I wanted to, but out of pure confusion and frustration that I couldn't naturally read people. I observed, studied, and recognised obvious patterns to begin with. When I'd mastered that, I looked for the subtleties and the granular details.

I'm always open that I analyse everyone. I don't do it out of judgement, but more from a place of curiosity and, unfortunately, safety. I'd go as far as to say I'm good at it. So much so, it's my biggest strength. It's something I've worked hard at for 30+ years because, unfortunately, I've had no choice but to be vigilant and protect myself.

Behaviour, body language, communication, actions, all of it. I find it fascinating. People are complex and unpredictable, but even then, there are patterns. For me, the mixture of being highly empathetic, curious, not trusting easily, and decades of masking means I've developed an intuitive ability.

But...it comes at a cost.

I'm certainly no mind reader, but can I notice patterns in speech, the smallest changes in body language, if someone's energy is different, or if someone is lying. Does that annoy other people? Yes, it does.

What annoys people more is that I'm not particularly easy to read myself. Even as I gradually unmask, my body language and facial expressions don't match up, meaning I'm often misunderstood. It then seems like a pointless skill to have when people have assumed things about me and got it wrong. It can feel extremely isolating, lonely, and, at times, frustrating.

I used to try and make myself smaller, easier to understand, and I spent years hiding who I was, appeasing others' expectations that, ironically, I still can't read myself very well. Naturally, living as authentically as possible now means I'm not accepted by many, but I've learnt I'd much rather be myself and truly accepted by the few than lose myself in unrealistic expectations.