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Earls Colnes news Network

Up to date news for Earls Colne and surrounding villages

08/11/2022

Braintree MP reforms his 70's pop group BONEY MP to release a their hit single "By the rivers of Bablycolne" to raise relief funds for those effected by the Colne great flood and manhole lifting in the Colnes! Downloads of the song will be out on Thursday during PMQ'S instead of dealing with local issues!

07/11/2022

Early evening chaos as a drugged up Squirrel hits a fiat 500! Basil D'Brush 67 of Great Tey had spent a after binging on Co***ne and watching Rodent Hub non stop then had a runabout after he though somebody had stolen his nut! The driver a female lip filler specialist was saved after her airbag failed to deploy and lips and oversized eyebrows saved the day!

07/11/2022

Earls Colne Rasputin slated after a big build up but only lasted 10 minutes!
Ed School bigged himself up for weeks bragging about a night with him would be like a firework display but the Earls Colne Community group was flooded with complaints after he only lasted 10 minutes by angry ladies who felt traumatised and let down! One lady quoted " last year we got a full 20 mins but we thought it was a rest stop and he would continue but nothing happened and we were left frustrated and damp!"
Updates soon!

04/11/2022

Clarks Shoes announce their 2023 Earls Colne collection!

30/10/2022

We rang Thought Angles DIY to get some screws!

30/10/2022

American family found in Chalkney Woods!
They were left behind after USAF pulled out of Earls Colne Airfield!
Support is being given to the family by local Social services!
Some viewer's my find it distressing that they ain't from Colne Engaine!

30/10/2022

Drug driving Fur Baby crashes into book exchange telephone box! Adorable puppy got high on co***ne after spending 6 hours at a Wakes Colne dog rave then stole his two legged mummy's Nissan Micra and tried to drive to Halsted for a Kebab!
Police found the raving dog who goes by the street name " Bone Thang" Incoherent and bashing up a line inbedded in the community book exchange whilst trying to c**k his leg and tunning the cars radio to Woof SX! PC Dave Smith said she is conducting inquiries and a statement will be issued later!

28/10/2022

Residents of Wakes Colne are protesting after parish Council cutbacks denies the village of a Pelican crossing! They get a Zebra that was due to be put down by Colchester Zoo instead!

27/10/2022

STD Crabs knife Crime increase in Earls Colne now out of control!
Weekend romance is blamed for the increase STD p***c lice violence!
Young Earls Colneians are being blamed for the rapid spread of p***c lice violence on the streets! After having unprotected s*x for as little as one bag of pub grub co***ne! The locals are responsible for the violent crab stabbings and crustacean drunken brawls! The crabs who are in competition with Engaine crabs battle it out for a host clunge with disregard to size, innies or outies! They only avoid clean ginger girls but favour those who use Burgundy hair dye from B&M!
Braintree police and Colchester General Hospital are increasing patrols at weekends and handing out Ginger Vajazzells to help combat the spread of violence and avoiding spilling clunge juice on the streets!

26/10/2022

At dusk tonight we received a report of a Marsh Mellow family rampaging across Earls Colne Golf course after Mr Mellow trod in discarded dog poo!
Mr Mellow 57 of Messingham Drive is now in police custody after being tracked down and spiked by the village constable!

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