The Ulster Fry

30/01/2025

CONOR MCGREGOR APPOINTED NEW LEADER OF THE DUP

Following his recent remarks that people living in the North of Ireland can’t claim to be Irish, former UFC fighter Conor McGregor has been sensationally appointed as the new leader of the Democratic Unionist Party, the Ulster Fry has learned.

“With the threat of a United Ireland now looming more than ever, we need a new strong leader who isn’t afraid to fight for our place in the union and remind people in the north that they live under British rule” explained a DUP spokesman.

The move has surprised the DUP electorate, who were shocked that the Dublin man has switched allegiance from the UFC to the UFF.

“I always thought he was a bit of a ballbag” admitted Belfast born Georges Market Pierre. “But with his recent s*x scandals, the Trump and Farage bromances and those comments about catholics in the North not really being Irish, it’s hard to argue that he isn’t qualified”

McGregor visited Belfast today to outline his vision for the future.

“As soon as I heard the DUP had strong party lines I knew this was the job for me.” explained the sc***um faced shortarse whilst beating an 80 year old Lambeg drum in a local pub.

“I won’t just be saying ‘No’ to everything, I’ll be saying absolutely f**king nothing!”

McGregor claimed that this year’s marching season will be 'the biggest and best yet”, with free booze and coke for everyone who turns up.

“We’re gonna have a ‘Proper Twelfth’” he explained

Fellow MMA fighter, Derry born Paul Hughes, who was at the centre of the controversy, was unavailable for comment.

“It’s Londonderry” added McGregor.

29/01/2025

We predicted the future again.

In a move that shows that it's getting harder and harder to make stuff up, German supermarket giant Lidl has revealed plans to include a pub in its new branch in Dundonald. "We're delighted to announce plans for our first ever bar in Northern Ireland," said regional manager James Crownfield. "We'

26/01/2025

Stephen has a brand new comedy show coming to the Mac this year and it's all about the madness of lockdown. We advise coughing for tickets early to avoid fomo. 🎟️

Written by local comedian Stephen Large and based on the huge success of his satirical social media page, Dundonald Liberation Army, this hilarious play…

24/01/2025

Scotland's in for a hard night.

24/01/2025

Seems like everyone got the same alert last night ⚠️📱how yees holding up folks? down to our last two loaves here 😭🤞

07/12/2024

Prepared For Peace. ☮️
Not Ready For Wind 🌬️

29/11/2024

Evening folks,

We're getting messages about the popular 'Snow Surrender', 'Our Sleigh Will Come' and 'Foundered'Christmas jumpers we've sold in the past. We took our own shap offline earlier this year to reorganise - but (FYI) Seamus is selling them in on his wee shap if yees want one.

You can get them on hoodies (new), jumpers, tees and mugs, and cos its Black Friday, everything is a FIVER cheaper, this weekend only.

We'll b**g the link for an 'Ulster Fry Collection' below and sure youse can all argue whether to use the purederry or purelondonderry domain in the comments. 👇

Happy shopping!

11/11/2024

It's that time of year again! 🎄 One of the many videos we made in our long collaboration with our friends at Harp. Lots of happy memories making original content with great people. Yer man Brendan is a big Netflix star now, so he is. ❤️

Own up, who has their tree up already? 🎄👀

02/11/2024

Looking back to the future, not a single person in Northern Ireland, whether man or woman, unionist or nationalist, catholic or protestant, culchie or townie, had: 'Edwin Poots son to look like one of the Libyans who shot Doc Brown whilst turning up for court in a tractor' on their bingo card back in the 90s!

01/11/2024

We've only one type of costume left in our Halloween shop and it's flying out the doors today. Who needs one?

31/10/2024

We have some last minute Halloween outfits. PM for details.

Dundonald Liberation Army | Pure Derry

14/04/2024

LOCAL FOOD DELIVERY DRIVER STEALS ENOUGH DIPS TO RETIRE

After years of secretly keeping dips & sauces customers ordered with their food, but never actually received, one rogue JustEat driver has finally amassed enough of the tiny condiments to retire for life, it has emerged.

"I've been keeping dips customers have ordered for years" admitted 37 year old delivery driver, Duncan McNugget.

"The price of food has gone mental, so I've been making serious dough flogging them on the black market."

McNugget made the shock admission from his mansion home in the tax-free Bahamas, where he now lives in splendor after flogging 12.5 tonnes of tiny pots of garlic mayo, ketchup and sour cream to a buyer in Saudi Arabia.

Local police are now understood to be investigating a cross-border sauce smuggling operation, with strong links to the Monaghan Triads and the Warrenpoint Yakuza.

"It may seem like a minor crime, but all these unhappy meals are funding criminal activity along the border” admitted Sgt Patsy Heinz from the PSNI. “How do you think they make the diesel red?!”

The last person in NI to actually receive dips with their order, back in 2019, was due to appear at a special hearing tomorrow, but has mysteriously disappeared in a 'sinister and worrying development'.

Police are asking people to remain vigilant, and keep a bottle of red sauce at home whilst they ketchup with the culprits.

It's understood Sinn Fein and the DUP will now call an emergency assembly meeting tomorrow to argue over whether it should go in the fridge or the cupboard.

12/04/2024

Seems it's all fun and games at the DUP this weekend unifying the party again, according to this leaked leaflet 👀

Did they miss anything?

29/03/2024

BREAKING NEWS

It has been an interesting day in NI politics to say the least 👀

After much debate amongst our writing team about the massive story currently dominating news feeds, we have decided to not cover this story out of respect for the alleged victims.

It would be easy to poke fun, and many will, but doing so will do nothing to help those affected in what must be a very difficult time. We are also mindful of legal ramifications before the legal process has run its course.

This is not a decision we have made lightly. We understand many look to platforms like ours for a response when such news breaks, but experience has taught us that doing what's right and doing what's easy aren't always the same thing. We hope you understand.

Comments are disabled on this post (for hopefully obvious reasons), and we’ll move on to taking the p**s out of the likes of Gavin Robinson, who for some unknown reason has been appointed interim leader of the DUP.

Thanks.
The Ulster Fry

14/03/2024

BREAKING NEWS

05/03/2024

BANGOR WOMAN REVEALS HARROWING ORDEAL AFTER FACEBOOK CRASH

A Bangor mother has detailed her harrowing experience following this afternoon’s Facebook outage.

35 year old Anita Tention found herself unable to access the site for a mind bending four hours today when the social media giant’s servers mysteriously shat the bed.

“I was just about to leave a judgey comment on a Belfast Live article when suddenly the app stopped working”, recalled the distraught mother-of-three.

Believing it to be a simple WiFi issue Miss Tention told us she ran down the street holding her iPhone in the air to see if she could pick up a neighbour’s WiFi signal, but to no avail.

“I just did what any rational thinking person would do in that situation and rang the peelers”, she explained.

When emergency services arrived on the scene they found Miss Tention begging to know ‘all the biz’ she’d missed out on while Facebook was down.

The 35-yr-old was wrapped in a blanket and whisked away to a nearby community centre where other victims of the Facebook crash were given shelter.

Volunteers held up photographs of various things including cooked meals and encouraged the victims to give them a thumbs up if they approved.

Medical staff also retaught the victims how to communicate verbally after they’d spent the past ten years conversing exclusively in GIFs and emojis.

Eventually Facebook’s fixed the issue though, sparking emotional scenes in the community centre.

“I’m just relieved the nightmare is finally over!”, she wept whilst repeatedly refreshing the app.

“But my thoughts and prayers go out to those who were stuck in work and actually had to do their jobs instead of creeping on Bakebook”.

03/03/2024

There’s still a few weapons that haven’t been decommissioned...

Get em booked ladies. 👀

02/03/2024

Sat night movie 🍿

These Hollywood remakes are getting outta hand.