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The News As It Should Be (Satire) The Ulster Fry is a parody news site and does not report real news. If you aren’t a solicitor, wise up and press ‘back’.

We present our own version of current events through comedy and satire. We only added this bit for solicitors and such to read to be honest. Spoil’a’buzz.

07/12/2024

Prepared For Peace. ☮️
Not Ready For Wind 🌬️

29/11/2024

Evening folks,

We're getting messages about the popular 'Snow Surrender', 'Our Sleigh Will Come' and 'Foundered'Christmas jumpers we've sold in the past. We took our own shap offline earlier this year to reorganise - but (FYI) Seamus is selling them in on his wee shap if yees want one.

You can get them on hoodies (new), jumpers, tees and mugs, and cos its Black Friday, everything is a FIVER cheaper, this weekend only.

We'll b**g the link for an 'Ulster Fry Collection' below and sure youse can all argue whether to use the purederry or purelondonderry domain in the comments. 👇

Happy shopping!

11/11/2024

It's that time of year again! 🎄 One of the many videos we made in our long collaboration with our friends at Harp. Lots of happy memories making original content with great people. Yer man Brendan is a big Netflix star now, so he is. ❤️

Own up, who has their tree up already? 🎄👀

02/11/2024

Looking back to the future, not a single person in Northern Ireland, whether man or woman, unionist or nationalist, catholic or protestant, culchie or townie, had: 'Edwin Poots son to look like one of the Libyans who shot Doc Brown whilst turning up for court in a tractor' on their bingo card back in the 90s!

01/11/2024

We've only one type of costume left in our Halloween shop and it's flying out the doors today. Who needs one?

31/10/2024

We have some last minute Halloween outfits. PM for details.

Dundonald Liberation Army | Pure Derry

14/04/2024

LOCAL FOOD DELIVERY DRIVER STEALS ENOUGH DIPS TO RETIRE

After years of secretly keeping dips & sauces customers ordered with their food, but never actually received, one rogue JustEat driver has finally amassed enough of the tiny condiments to retire for life, it has emerged.

"I've been keeping dips customers have ordered for years" admitted 37 year old delivery driver, Duncan McNugget.

"The price of food has gone mental, so I've been making serious dough flogging them on the black market."

McNugget made the shock admission from his mansion home in the tax-free Bahamas, where he now lives in splendor after flogging 12.5 tonnes of tiny pots of garlic mayo, ketchup and sour cream to a buyer in Saudi Arabia.

Local police are now understood to be investigating a cross-border sauce smuggling operation, with strong links to the Monaghan Triads and the Warrenpoint Yakuza.

"It may seem like a minor crime, but all these unhappy meals are funding criminal activity along the border” admitted Sgt Patsy Heinz from the PSNI. “How do you think they make the diesel red?!”

The last person in NI to actually receive dips with their order, back in 2019, was due to appear at a special hearing tomorrow, but has mysteriously disappeared in a 'sinister and worrying development'.

Police are asking people to remain vigilant, and keep a bottle of red sauce at home whilst they ketchup with the culprits.

It's understood Sinn Fein and the DUP will now call an emergency assembly meeting tomorrow to argue over whether it should go in the fridge or the cupboard.

12/04/2024

Seems it's all fun and games at the DUP this weekend unifying the party again, according to this leaked leaflet 👀

Did they miss anything?

29/03/2024

BREAKING NEWS

It has been an interesting day in NI politics to say the least 👀

After much debate amongst our writing team about the massive story currently dominating news feeds, we have decided to not cover this story out of respect for the alleged victims.

It would be easy to poke fun, and many will, but doing so will do nothing to help those affected in what must be a very difficult time. We are also mindful of legal ramifications before the legal process has run its course.

This is not a decision we have made lightly. We understand many look to platforms like ours for a response when such news breaks, but experience has taught us that doing what's right and doing what's easy aren't always the same thing. We hope you understand.

Comments are disabled on this post (for hopefully obvious reasons), and we’ll move on to taking the p**s out of the likes of Gavin Robinson, who for some unknown reason has been appointed interim leader of the DUP.

Thanks.
The Ulster Fry

14/03/2024

BREAKING NEWS

05/03/2024

BANGOR WOMAN REVEALS HARROWING ORDEAL AFTER FACEBOOK CRASH

A Bangor mother has detailed her harrowing experience following this afternoon’s Facebook outage.

35 year old Anita Tention found herself unable to access the site for a mind bending four hours today when the social media giant’s servers mysteriously shat the bed.

“I was just about to leave a judgey comment on a Belfast Live article when suddenly the app stopped working”, recalled the distraught mother-of-three.

Believing it to be a simple WiFi issue Miss Tention told us she ran down the street holding her iPhone in the air to see if she could pick up a neighbour’s WiFi signal, but to no avail.

“I just did what any rational thinking person would do in that situation and rang the peelers”, she explained.

When emergency services arrived on the scene they found Miss Tention begging to know ‘all the biz’ she’d missed out on while Facebook was down.

The 35-yr-old was wrapped in a blanket and whisked away to a nearby community centre where other victims of the Facebook crash were given shelter.

Volunteers held up photographs of various things including cooked meals and encouraged the victims to give them a thumbs up if they approved.

Medical staff also retaught the victims how to communicate verbally after they’d spent the past ten years conversing exclusively in GIFs and emojis.

Eventually Facebook’s fixed the issue though, sparking emotional scenes in the community centre.

“I’m just relieved the nightmare is finally over!”, she wept whilst repeatedly refreshing the app.

“But my thoughts and prayers go out to those who were stuck in work and actually had to do their jobs instead of creeping on Bakebook”.

03/03/2024

There’s still a few weapons that haven’t been decommissioned...

Get em booked ladies. 👀

02/03/2024

Sat night movie 🍿

These Hollywood remakes are getting outta hand.

29/02/2024

MEDIA FRENZY AS FARMER FORCED TO APOLOGISE TO SHEEPDOG OVER 'GOOD GIRL' REMARK

A County Down farmer accused of ‘casual sexism’ has apologised to his sheepdog following a media storm.

51-year-old Sammy Skim sparked sexism complaints when he called his Border Collie a ‘good girl’ after she rounded up his flock.

Although Mr Skim argued ‘good girl’ was a term of endearment used widely in farming circles, a women’s group demanded that he apologise.

‘I only wanted Lady to know she did a good job’, he explained.

‘In retrospect though, the pat on the head was a bit demeaning. So, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to her. Ah sh*te, is that the correct pronoun? Did I just assume my dog’s gender? This is a ballix. The dog wasn’t even offended. Her wee tail was wagging and everything. Ah frig, I did it again’.

Lady said on Wednesday she accepted the interview had ‘become a talking point’.

But she added: ‘I don’t believe there was any offence meant by Sammy – and for my part, there was none taken. I even got a treat’.

‘One of the sheep, Woolly McCrea, got offended on my behalf. Woolly’s a good lad and a massive Teddy Bears fan’.

‘Coincidentally, Sammy is a Celtic season ticket holder. But I’m confident Woolly’s just a huge women’s rights advocate and doesn’t even care that Sammy supports the filth’.

28/02/2024

TOURISM BOOST AS NI ROADS DECLARED PART OF THE GRAND CANYON

The boundary of the world famous Grand Canyon has been dramatically expanded to include Northern Ireland, after a US delegation visited and seen our impressive pothole network first-hand.

“God dang, I really felt right at home!” exclaimed Doug Pitt from the Arizona Tourist Board. “We’ve been looking for ways to take the Grand Canyon global, and when I seen the absolute state of your roads, I knew we were onto a winner!”

US authorities have moved quickly to strike a deal with the Department for Infrastructure, which will see almost £0m ploughed into fixing and maintaining NI roads over the next few years.

“We’ve bought a new fleet of helicopters to take tourists to some of the most impressive road craters around the country instead” explained NI Tourism chief, Phil McCracken. “Derry, Tyrone and Armagh are nearly sold out, but there are still of seats left for Antrim and Fermanagh”

“This is gonna be a much needed boost to our declining tourism industry after they ballsed up the ending to Game Of Thrones” he added.

The plan has come under criticism though, with some questioning how it would be funded during the current economic decline. However a DFI spokesman assured us that money wouldn't be a problem.

“Our rich American backers are savvy business people! They know how to monetise services and maximise profits.” explained Pat Tyre from the Road Service.

“So we’ll be putting up your road tax to pay for it all immediately”

27/02/2024

PARENTS HIRE SECRETARY TO DEAL WITH SCHOOL EMAILS

A Dundonald couple have hired a secretary to deal with the endless stream of correspondence from their son’s primary school, it has emerged.

Lottie Letters and her partner Justin Box discovered they were spending on average around 23 & ½ hours per day reading countless emails, texts, memos, app notifications, DMs and handwritten messages sent by carrier pigeon from their child’s school.

In a desperate bid to regain some control over their lives, the pair have employed a professional secretary to read the correspondence for them.

"Finally, five minutes to myself", said Lottie, while waxing her upper lip for the first time in months.

"It was ok at the beginning. One or two emails per day. But once I downloaded the app my life was over as I knew it".

"When I closed my eyes at night I could see PDF attachments, sponsor forms and my child’s dreadful drawings".

"I miss the old days when you found a crumpled up letter covered in yoghurt and Tayto Cheese & Onion at the bottom of their school bag about three weeks after it was sent home".

Her partner Justin was less diplomatic about the situation.

"Did I really need the school to email telling me he was 'Star of the Week'? The wee ballix told me as soon as I picked him up!".

"But the final straw came when the carrier pigeon sh*t on my freshly washed car.. That’s when I asked Sandra from work if she fancied a bit of unpaid overtime".

26/02/2024

ULSTER FRY TO END CEASEFIRE

Following the news that MLA’s at Stormont have finally decided to get their finger out of their holes and do a bit of work, Northern Ireland’s fragile peace process was dealt a further blow today, after The Ulster Fry announced that they are ending their so-called ‘ceasefryer’, with immediate effect.

The notorious cross-community comedy group, who spent years terrorising local politicians and planting truth bombs in unsuspecting news-feeds, are now set to resume their campaign of hostilities against hypocrisy, incompetent politicians, hipsters and Larne.

“We cannot stand idly by whilst these eejits make a ballix out of everything, again” explained spokesman, Seamus O’Shea. “The Ulster Fry has been silent long enough. We believe all politicians in this country, whether orange or green, need to live in constant fear of a good boot up the hole”

“Also” he continued. “We’ve run out of sh*te to watch on Netflix… and we’ve spent all the Harp money”

A security forces insider has confirmed that several laptops were dug up in an undisclosed field in Fermanagh over the weekend, as Northern Ireland braces itself for another spate of tit-for-tat nonsense.

It’s understood several new comrades have been recruited includeing Dundonald Liberation Army and other dissident content creators - and that several deadly memes and killer headlines have already been constructed ahead of a new campaign.

A spokesman for Stormont said “At least we’ll have something to read now whilst we’re pretending to be working”

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Local woman in court for putting up her Christmas decorations too early

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