30/05/2024
☸️ Emptiness & Non-duality ☯️
The silent meditation retreat came and went.
It contained a whole lot of Nothing.
Sitting very still, doing as little as possible, just observing.
In stillness, the mind manifests itself. It always does, but in the absence of external stimuli, it becomes a brighter signal to contemplate. Mind-manifesting is the technical meaning of psychedelic, although there was also psychedelics used in service of this fundamental inquiry.
In contemplating the manifestations of the mind, be it thoughts or ideas or perceptions, it is possible to recognize their unreality, the illusory nature. The inheretlnt emptiness, as the buddhists would say. "Form is emptiness".
It reminded me of a deep knowing - something that I realized in my very first psychedelic experience. It was an important revelation - I thought it was a feature of the drug, and led me to investigate this particular rabbit hole deeply. If I had had the same insight in another context, I am sure I would have become an acolyte of that particular tradition instead.
It turns out that not everyone that takes psychedelics have awakening experiences. It's not unique - but not exactly common either. And yet, the truths that are intuitively apparent in such states have become spititual clichés. We are One. God is Love. Things like that.
It was a great privilege to have nothing to do but sit and investigate the nature of mind and reality, and contemplate these kinds of ideas. It's true you know. It's of no use as beliefs, and I'm not here to argue them logically, but as intuitive realizations it can be life transforming.
I also saw how it has in fact shaped my life, which have taken other turns than the socially default... My curiosity was sparked in a certain directions, I was trying to make sense of, develop and integrate these sorts of insights, while not being enchanted by the regular social constructs. My hippie phase, you might say.
I listened to a lot of Alan Watts, who introduced a language that helped these experiences make sense. Concepts from buddhism, hinduism, taoism. I got curious about meditation, and on another silent retreat I also had an experience of nonduality, in the sense of my mind being an inseperable part of the world symphony. Solidifying also the idea that this was not a feature of psychedelics, but of the mind.
In the later years, I've felt a consolidation of my identity. I put a stake in the ground somewhere, and decided somehow on "this is who I am". Psychedelic guide / therapist / activist. Other people also know this character, and it's useful in the sense that people come to me if they want services I provide.
This decision also led me to start this training programme, which has deepened a lot of things for me. And ironically, or appropriately, now returned me to the remembrance that this persona is an illusion. An act that is played by the greater I, hopefully convincingly - but I am under no obligation to be that person.
If you've read so far, you apparently aren't repelled by spiritual clichés so I'll just let rip:
The self is eternally changing. Any appearances of solidity are just appearances. Appearances come and go; holding on to them causes suffering.
Love is radical acceptance. Fully inviting in the present experience. In that state there is no suffering, and wounds are healed.
You have the freedom at any point to take a mental step back into witnessing consciousness. This ability IS freedom.
It is possible at any moment to merge with the present moment, and that is bliss. You can just Be the process that's unfolding, whether that's skiing, or drawing, or just breathing. Some call it samadhi, others flow, or full presence. Even things that are considered unpleasant, like sorrow or pain - if you allow it, in fact *become it*, there is no suffering. And because the self is eternally changing, it won't even last long either.
At one point I felt fear. Instead of resisting it, I welcomed it, and learned that what I was afraid of was suffering.
Turning then towards suffering, I said: "Ok then, go ahead. Bring it on. I will become suffering and love the s**t out of it."
And I couldn't find it.
I tried the other way: "No, I don't like it, I don't want it! Go away!"
And there was suffering.