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The Medellin Enquirer, poblado, Medellín (2024)

You AOL old timers can now make that hotline@themedellinenquirer.com bling thanks to our contractual partners GoDaddy, M...

12/09/2021

You AOL old timers can now make that [email protected] bling thanks to our contractual partners GoDaddy, Microsoft outlook, and Bancolombia.

24/08/2021

Welcome to week 25 of The Medellin Enquirer! Starting off the week, we had a new business open on Cra 43B directly below parque poblado in between Cl 9 and 8. You can find all your favorite authentic Philadelphia flavors at Philly Medellin!

Without skipping a beat, one landlord claimed that a woman's dog damaged her apartment. According to the landlord, the woman left 10 days early, thinking she would be entitled to a refund that would cover the damages done in lieu of paying for repairs. The tenant maintained that the landlord was a raging cokehead, and a liar that was trying to extort money from her. We are currently seeking a Jr. Investigative reporter to dig deeper into this case.

Caleb was in for a surprise last week when his number mistakenly got listed at the newly opened Philly medellin. After reluctantly fielding requests for steaky cheesy goodness, Caleb was relieved after about a day when Google accepted the correct phone number.

Tragic news came from Cartagena as a young woman was found hung in a hotel room. The man she had been seeing claimed it was a su***de while skeptics state the man killed her before staging the scene and paying off responding officers. There were also allegations that the man referred to as “Chris” had committed multiple murders in Danville, before posting a 5 million dollar bond. The Medellin Enquirer is wary of accepting these details as absolute truths since media reports and inmate records show that the Chris in the US based murders never had a record of posting bond before sentencing, and is currently listed as incarcerated. We are actively seeking additional information in regards to the identity of “Chris” to verify if these are the same, or different people; in addition to seeking any inside information from those close to this heartbreaking situation.

We would once again like to remind readers that the best place for a professional colonoscopy is Parque Lleras, where they can be had for as little as $30USD.

One local capturing video claimed that living in far off lands such as Switzerland would be boring because you would miss out on the excitement of Centro ladyboy fights. While the Swiss alps are quite the wonder of the world; nothing quite beats the feeling of yelling “WORLD STAR!” during a high heeled curbstomp.

It is unclear if robberies are on the rise, or if new arrivals are simply more freely showing off their papaya. We urge everyone to be vigilant as there were no less than 4 iPhones reported stolen last week.

One almost thief in Manila stole a phone before being stopped a short distance outside the restaurant. When confronted, he pulled out a gun. The surprised victim backed off, however, the thief decided to stay and wait until police arrived to be arrested.

From straight out of the movies comes a harrowing first hand account from a shaken reader and friend of the enquirer. A young paisa on Wednesday was using his phone in front of the Dann Carlton on Ave Poblado. A man approached him. He brushed him off before the man said ‘I am not asking for money, I want to show you something” and brandished a gun. The victim was taken for a walk before being approached by a 2nd man that also flashed a gun. Both men walked the victim towards the marriot in a secluded location before putting the gun to his head and assuring death if he lied. Over the duration of 15 minutes, the men drained crypto wallets, and his bancolombia account before setting him free. The shaken victim after called police, which of course were no help..

In our dear Medi section this week, a reader asks why his girlfriend he flew to Mexico was mad that he was talking to her friend and upset she called him “Mi Vida”. Top sleuths were quick to point out that “She may know her friend better than you”.

Back by popular demand is the “Poblado Housing Authority” weekly report. With new developments of our previously occasional rental report, we aim to provide consumer advisory services to those that have been impacted by unfair rental practices, price gouged, hold landlords accountable, make renting easier for those without access to a fiador, and also provide clear insights into new listings along with current market pricing. This is an ongoing and evolving initiative we will be expanding on in weeks to come and are open to feedback.

The first reiteration of our market report contains information 7 rental properties.

The first available unit being a lage, 110sqM 2br unit in Zuniga, recently slashed from 4.8 to 4.5 million monthly. The market is hot at this time, and Envigado is very safe, however our professional opinion is this unit is still vacant for a reason.

Next up, a now no longer available studio apartment on the corner of Provenza steps from restaurant row was rented last week at 2.3 million pesos + utilities.

For those looking to escape the noise, living in the hills like a true king, an Enviagdo side of Las Palmas 300sqM mansion with 3 bedrooms is available on contract at 14 million pesos monthly.

Still vacant is another high end apartment located in Tesoro. This large 106sqM 2BR unit features modern touches and an equally futuristic asking price of 7.4 million pesos monthly.

Individuals or couples seeking a “personal penthouse” now have available a large 1 bedroom Laureles condo completely remodeled, expertly styled, and absolutely jam packed with value. Notable features include soundproof windows, fiber internet, a balcony, and movie projector. Additionally a common pool is located within the complex as is the rare added bonus of in apartment AC. This lovely condo can be yours with a signed lease for 3.3 million fully furnished.

Available from the same owner is a massive 3 bedroom condo located in Poblado. Featuring many of the above listed amenities and ever important blackout shades. This spectacular unit with a view is offered at a beyond competitive 5.2 million fully furnished with a lease.

For those seeking a less than prestigious brown riverfront view, a barrio estadio listing is easily resisted with an asking price of 4 million monthly. For that of prime provenza rental pricing, you will receive unparalleled amenities including but not limited to: Mentallly unstable homeless, senoritas with surprises, drug addicts, robbers, various night walkers, dark streets with dim lights, absolutely zero security cameras, a long lonely walk to any nearby tienda, easy access to the autopista, and an unshakable feeling of regret every morning you wake up.

We also would like to thank one of our top contriubtors, Andrei Ermakov for submitting our phot of the week. Remember folks "I am bigger than you" is the rule to live by here.

17/08/2021

The Medellin Enquirer has issued a bolo for any suspicious individuals carrying a bundle of copper wiring in the area of cra 72 and circular 1 of the laureles neighborhood which was lifted from a local restaurant recently.

17/08/2021

As an aspiring intern for The Medellin Enquirer you will report back on the questions our readers ask. There is a current backlog to review. The answers will be captured around Parque Lleras and other hotspots in town.
Initial assignments below:
Where to get a convertible?
How much for a prostate exam?
How long until you can fart in front of your date?
And "What makes the perfect paisa"?
There is no waiver, insurance, benefits, or pay to be considered. You must provide and may be at risk of losing your own cell phone.
Compensation may include an honorable mention up to and above a plaque.

17/08/2021

Before we start week 24 of The Medellin Enquirer we would like to invite everyone to a very special fundraiser at “El Sinaloense” in Poblado on Sunday August 22nd at 4PM. Donations received will support youth soccer programs in disadvantaged neighborhoods. Further details will be listed in the comments.

The Medellin Enquirer would also like to thank The Medellin Cricket Factory for keeping the city chirping. Remember, when legs are moving they’re making noise. To our independent cricket farmers in the valley; please remember that your crickets are entitled to financial compensation. Crickets are sensitive creatures that must be cared for at all times. You do not have to and should not love your crickets; Crickets should be returned to their nests within 24-48 hours for optimal longevity.

One returning expat found himself awaking from a wild night outside his apartment door with no cell phone or shoes in a puddle of his own urine. He discovered his key in his pocket and was able to enter his apartment.

Keeping up with our ever exciting theme, a pole was knocked down when struck by a car outside selina. Transverial 7a was briefly closed as crews installed a new utility pole during the night.

2 folks sitting outside a local restaurant or tienda type establishment were deprived of their cell phones at gunpoint last week. It is unclear where this happened however it should serve as a reminder not to sit on the ledge outside with a phone.

Gr**gos without local credit or debit cards can now rejoice as a recent IFood partnership now allows foreign cards to be processed. Foreigners lamenting they could not order McDonalds deliveries with their cards from back home are now able to order all the low quality, fatty, cold sandwiches they desire without having to leave their gr**go rappicave.

One local man found a debit card with a thumb attached. Readers asked how it was possible someone would lose their thumbs so absentmindedly along with their debit card.

Words of caution have been issued from new renters. One discovered 2 “security guards” that came along with a house he rented. The men seemed less focused on security while they lived in the house with the paying guest, and more concerned with drinking all the available beer while hitting on female party guests.

Another renter stated after spending one night in a luxury Airbnb, the host tried to extort them for additional hundreds of dollars claiming the apartment was dirty and they had too many guests.

Sad news came from Bogota the past week as 2 officers making an arrest were both gunned down in broad daylight. One died on the scene while the other was transferred to the hospital with serious injuries.

One local lady asked if anyone was looking to meet sugar babies. It turned out most people were more interested in receiving sugar than handing it out.

A confused gr**go asked what a deportation letter declining a visa he applied for in 2018 was about. Upon further investigation the letter had been sent in 2019 and was just recently delivered.

One local Karen claimed a reputable transportation service left her family member that did not speak any Spanish stranded at the airport with valuable luggage. After being told she had given too much papaya; it was discovered a driver was at the airport waiting for the family member. The reporting Karen had gone ballistic, stating she only wanted one specific driver from the company and no other driver would do. She was beyond reasoning with and had her relative get into a taxi.

Once again, fireworks clearly going off in front of an apartment were reported as automated gunfire.

For those not in the know, a rola entrepreneur with her own brands and 300+ employees had gone viral some time ago for an “Epa Colombia” video. She filmed herself in the protests damaging public property; and encouraging others to fight against systematic oppression. She had already paid for all damages and was still sentenced to 5 years in prison. Supporters are outraged that she is being prosecuted for being “low class” and “new money”. Many generationally rich Colombians are incredibly classist, and practice hypergamy to a T where you would never date down or even associate with people of lower socio economic backgrounds. Drama is further extended by 2 large legal blunders where a woman in charge of connecting disadvantaged school children to online learning *lost* 70 mil million ($18 million usd) for this program. The woman who lost the money is still employed, and being exalted as innocent by her close peers. The 2nd is that of a very rich and well known celebrity husband, who was caught with hundreds of kilos of co***ne. Being part of the so-called elite; there was no more than a mere slap on the wrist.

One expat annoyedly asked that peeping toms stop checking out his terrace with their drone. Something that should no longer be an issue after the drone hit a tree and went crashing to the ground.

A sickly man reported he stayed at a below budget hotel (the Lincoln) only to discover he had paid nearly double the internet price. While not feeling well, he was also informed that his room had been rented and he would not be able to extend any further days.

In new business news, Luno swung open their doors for the first time roughly 2 weeks ago. Featuring an expansive and modern design inside; Luno is nestled between Flamante and Bastardo. Labeled a “Spanish Restaurant”. The menu includes a variety of starters that include flavorful and well presented dips. Main courses include panela, steaks, risotto, an impressive cheeseburger, and more. Craft cocktails are expertly presented. While slightly upmarket; value of ingredients and service far outweigh any costs.

10/08/2021

Welcome to week 23 of The Medellin Enquirer! The week started off when a 2nd purple Andina was found in the singles section at Exito Express in Comuna divina eucaristia. Upon a not-so-close inspection the can was interpreted to commemorate a bicycle race and tasted no better than a standard Andina.

We are currently seeking the assistance of a Jr. Investigative reporter at this time to discover why pools are only waist deep in Medellin.

There was also further development on the naked man story. He checked into YOLO Hostel the next day, before eating at Betty’s Bowls, stripping down again, and being arrested (again). Our last report stated he was being held at a station in cisneros.

One Gr**go thought he had found love, only to discover the Western Union payments he had sent did not grant him any s*xy time. He had already taken her and her extended family out to fancy restaurants, while having a taste for expensive bottles of liquor. He cut things off when she said she wanted to wait for marriage.

Things seem to be returning to normal as traffic problems continue to increase. These problems were not eased by a stalled car that burst into flames in Poblado last week.

Our breaking news of the week comes from a paisa who states “Colombia has Colombianas” At time of publishing; it is still unclear whether or not the sky in Medellin is blue. We are expecting confirmation from top Meteorologists within 16 business weeks after uno mas tintico.

The Medellin Enquirer would like to give special thanks to our correspondent in Cartagena, who finally answered the question of how much a re**al exam costs, and if they are offered for free. The answer is that the road to Beru has a military checkpoint and is offering one to every passenger. These checkups do not require Sura, and are not voluntary. Unfortunately our Bottom Correspondent Ashley Maria Rodríguez Vargas. has had their Application for the position of Jr. Investigative reporter revoked after failing to come in close contact with any answers.

A local eccentric was mocked this week after posting a WAV file of automatic machine gun fire. Inside sources quickly dispelled the false news report as nothing more than fireworks from a large-scale motorcycle stunt show.

Our crime section is unfortunately filled with a report of another death. Michael Andres Toro Cano was found dead in the river last week after being stabbed. Reports from those that had encountered him stated he claimed to have been deported from the states, and progressively declined from apparent drug use over the years.

One new arrival lamented a reminder to both read the guest policy of a building, and also check the credentials of the people you plan to date before booking trips. He was disappointed to discover his “girlfriend” he was going to spend the first night with had no valid form of identification, and was not allowed to enter his Airbnb.

Dear Medelli is packed with questions as readers ask:

Can I date a 17 year old? The answer is you should not.

How to marry from overseas? See above.

And if you can marry 2 women in Medellin at once? While the answer is once again the same, you could as long as neither find out. If they do, you could face punishment beyond that of a chancla beating as having 2 spouses is illegal in Colombia.

Ending out the week, a giant nerd alert was sounded due to a report that a condom was found in the ex vice president’s friend’s ice tray at The Charlee hotel in Parque Lleras while an orgie occurred next door. Our top undercover agents are currently investigating if the condom was new or used.

We also have a handy guide on how to carry 100K cash through an internation airport.

1.Post about it on Facebook.
2.Put $9,999 in your wallet, and ensure your spare change equals under $1USD.
3.Fill socks, shoes, laptops, whatever, with all the cash you can.
4.Say a prayer.
5.Hope you don’t pass those money sniffing dogs.
6.Do a hail marry the TSA agents are asleep as your bags go through.
7.Check in through customs
8.Trust the stranger you met on Facebook to pick you up at the airport.
9??????
10.Get featured on the front page of The Medellin Enquirer
11.Profit.

05/08/2021

The Medellin Enquirer is still actively seeking hungry applicants for the highly coveted "Jr. Investigative Reporter" internship.
https://www.facebook.com/112742640897569/posts/183099143861918

03/08/2021

Grab yourself a hot tinto for week 22 of The Medellin Enquirer! Before the week even started; 12 kilos of gold were lifted by 10 men in uniforms “for official use” from Edificio forum, an event center located within Milla de Oro. At time of publishing no new golden roads have been paved and Kansas has been ruled out as a suspect.

In an attempt to up the ante of front page news, an unidentified man went for a n**e stroll up Calle 10 before casually wandering into Selina. Inside sources state panic ensued before the man dipped off. Police arrived, allegedly shooting rubber bullets and hitting the man with batons before arresting him.

Another man self reported he was was scopolamined and asleep for 2 days after getting down and dirty with a tinder date. He woke up with all of his possessions and gaming equipment missing. Wisely, he stated he would get a hooked in Lleras next time since it would be cheaper.

One 20 year old on eternal spring break was disappointed after thinking he found a hot date at a club on Calle 10, only to have his phone lifted while dancing on a Monday.

One German outside of Medellin solicited mixed reactions with the news she had been deported after participating in anti government marches with the controversial group “Primera linea”. She has maintained her innocence however she is a stern example for expats that we are visitors and not to contribute to social unrest.

Barrio Buenos Aires, has been declared the city's newest tourist hotspot after a champagne ball spilled into dimly lit streets where gr**gos enjoyed the aguila, aguardiente. Tecno, and wandered pitchback streets while techno faded in the distance.

Thanks to vigilant paparazzi, we had yet another celebrity sighting last week in Medellin as La Liendra was spotted at Dos Santos Wednesday at 10:51 PM. He reportedly dipped off in a jet black lambo shortly after.

The Gallery at Divas unfortunately announced plans to close in the upcoming weeks after being cheated out of an untold sum in excess of 50K USD. The money was embezzled by the trusted business partner from the gallery owner over the last 3 or so years.

Sunday closed out the week yet again with crime as it was reported that an expat was held at gunpoint for their phone Sunday in broad daylight within the Laureles sector outside a busy mall.

In our ever popular relationships column, a young lady has asked if anyone has the number for the cute young agent at Migracion.

We have also had confidential reports of Tik Tok / Instagram celebrities matching for dates online. If you go out with a star, please feel free to send us a confidential review.

We are desperately trying to fill 2 openings for Jr. Investigative Reporters that have what it takes to answer the tough questions this week:
How to denounce unauthorized pornagrahpic images of yourself others shared?
And
If Johnny’s $100 guys and free girls party happened, if so, what happened?

Our editorial staff has also recently been made aware of 90 day fiance shenanigans regarding multiple sets of participants engaging in scandalous activity. We are actively seeking information from confidential informants, and undercover detectives.

28/07/2021

Welcome to week 21 of The Medellin Enquirer! We are happy to report this weeks, the airport white cabs, have pleged to accept euros, dollars, korean won, zimbabean dollars, venezual bolivars, bitcoin, dogecoin, ethereum, and new york subway tokens.

The worlds #1 dating coach has arrived to Medellin, challenging previously run out of town pickup artist Austen summers to a celbrity boxing match at 101 Boxing in Tesoro. The match is to be concluded with a race down the waterslide at santa fe mall and an after hours soiree at luna lunera.

Jumping atraight into last weeks crime, one loacl was jumped by 2 men with a taser that were riding a moto on CL 7 below transversial inferior. He was able to hold his ground with minor injuries.

A man from Spain is traveling with parents, and stiffing finca owners, running up tabs at local stores, and stealing appliances before leaving without paying. He travels in a red renault SUV.

A costa rican man leaving santa marta has been labled as a terrorist after making a false bomb claim on a flight bound for Medellin. The airport was evacuated and temporirly suspended all flights which were redirected for other airports.

Our dirtbag of the week goes by the name of "Cesar Kohn". He frequently hangs around Starbucks and MIlla de oro area. He targets new expats, walking out on tabs, and fleecing them for money. At this time police are currently looking for him (albeit, not very hard) and he is allegedly wanted in the united states for similar crimess.

In an unfortunate rental incident, one man was deprived of his apartment after it was accidently rented to someone else and he had already.

One whiner complained that Colombia's uniforms at the olympics were cultural appropriation. However, the peanut gallery overwhelmingly approved of the design.

Residents of Las Lomas are lamenting after a sewage leak has left their pristine section of barrio poblado smelling like sewage.

With deep regret, we report a woman died bungee jumping when she was not hooked up, mistaking the jump signal given to her boyfriend as for her. Please, always double check your harness and lines in any extreme sport.

Our weekly fashion column returns to another gr**go asking why they can't wear shorts and flip flops when there is clearly a beach at Linea La presidenta next to the Dann Carlton. Shorts are for little boys. When you become a man, you need to present yourself as such.
Wearing shorts is looked at as no tienes. This could mean you do not have style, maturity, money, a job, or pants. We aren't sure, but it is best to wear jeans and a nice shirt with closed toe shoes.

In our seeking arrangements column, a local AC tech is looking to marry a gringa for papers. He promises to not only keep his cool but keep you cool as well. Interested applicants may bring a gallon of used freon mixed with 50% water to the edge of Rio Medellin.

Our photo of the week comes from cartagena, where covid doesn't travel in tightly packed nightclubs, but it's still too dangerous to visit the bird sanctuary.

19/07/2021

Welcome to week 20 of The Medellin Enquirer! We would like to remind all of our readers that you cannot get and should not expect a vaccine in Colombia without a cedula.

This week, during an extensive survey; riding escalators was ranked as the #1 pastime by paisas!

This week continued to heat up as a trash chute caught fire in one local apartment complex; it is believed a lit cigarette caused the fire.

In local crime reporting there was quite a streak the last few days. Starting out there was a shooting in Loma de Las Bernal. A body was found in the streets.

At hotel Diez on Calle Diez, a guest reported missing roughly $420. When setting up a camera the next day; a cleaning lady cleaned out his bag and pack of ci******es. The hotel provided absolutely zero assistance.

Another local man was relieved of his belongings in Poblado after bringing home his tinder flavor of the night.

A couple walking home from a late dinner also had an unfortunate encounter after being robbed at gunpoint in Las Lomas I at around 1:30 in the morning. They returned home missing a purse, and phones. This occurred on the foot path near CRA 36 and CL 11.

One gentleman walking was stopped by police, and forced to show his passport on his phone. The police looked at the apps and questioned why the ma had crypto.

In Manila, there was yet another robbery as a man had his phone stolen at gunpoint. The thief took off running, before jumping in a taxi.

In real estate news, 2 high dollar listings hit the market. The first being a 3 story penthouse featuring a whirlpool bath off of CRA 32 / CL6 at roughly 8 million pesos.

A much larger, nearly renovated 2 story castle in the clouds topped the market at nearly 5,000 square feet and an asking price of nearly $6K a month in rent.

In our deal Medi section, we had 2 serious questions this week. The first being how to assist victims of domestic abuse. While the police and Govt, May not do much, dialing 123 and speaking with agencia de mujer is the correct first step.

The 2nd question is how to deal with barrio thugs harassing you or other locals. It was suggested by readers you do exactly as Clint Eastwod in Gran Torino.

Our last column of the week is a job opening. The Chief Executive renter of The Hustle House is hiring an executive assistant! This educated, motivated, bilingual, part-time applicant will challenge the themselves to encounter the executive's favorite cereals, fruits, and choice steaks at pricesmart. Additional duties may include more shopping, cleaning up after grown men, scheduling appointments, managing a calendar, joining important meetings, and taking scrupulous notes so that our aforementioned party animal can continue in brain melting activities on other people's luxury properties instead of focusing on work or any other worldly responsibility. This opportunity pays at least $3.25 an hour and offers limited potential for growth.

13/07/2021

The 19th weekly edition of The Medellin Enquirer is sure to entice with an epic saga starting in 2019. A developing story this week began 2 years ago when a man was approached by prepagos in Lleras. He turned down the offer, but was approached by police. They took a photo of his ID and he thought nothing of it. Months later, it was discovered that an order from Migracion had been put out to wiretap the individual based on evidence of the man being part of a s*x trafficking ring. It was later discovered the only evidence was an incident report with no tracking # or officer on it and a photo of his identification. The man was also denied entry to Colombia back in September of 2020, and a post dated letter stated he was denied entry based on the ICE wiretap that was collected due to the fraudulent initial report. There have been no further developments in this case since May and it is still assumed the man is out of the country.

Jumping straight to crime reporting; a man was relieved of his watch when exiting his car to eat at Mondongos. He declined the opportunity to speak with the police saying the police will not do anything.

We had a late piece of information come to surface regarding a deranged gr**go Comuna Transversal Inferior. On July 4th, the man threw a rock through the front windows of Lleras Bike, taking with him a Mercedes C63 AMG that showed a little too much papaya. Several of our readers knew the man from around town, with one stating the assailant had tried to borrow 50 mil for a cake on Ave Las Vegas at one time.

There were 3 murders reported the weekend before last. A Brazilian was stabbed outside a taxi, while another individual that was non-gender-conforming was stabbed in Astorga. A 3rd individual was shot outside the clubs on Calle 10 at around 4AM when clubs closed.

Most recently 2 fleteros in Parque Sabaneta learned a hard lesson after police returned fire. The boys were laying on the ground still clutching a stolen necklace. One of the thieves was pronounced dead on the scene while the other was brought to the hospital in serious condition.

Our dear Medi section continues to fill up as applicants for the coveted Jr. Investigative Reporter internships come up short when it comes to answering the tough questions.
Our extra credit assignments this week include :
What makes the perfect paisa?

How long before you can fart in front of a prepago?

What are the long term tax implications of staying here? We are looking for first hand experience of people that stay here more than 6 months and leave without paying taxes. The longer the better.

One big baller is still wondering where he can get a convertible.

Our headline story is that of 2 missing individuals.Their photos are below The first is Ada Carrio Rivera. She has not been heard from by friends in 5 months. She was last seen in parts of Colombia with the man pictured.

The 2nd starts as the sad tale of a man looking for his friend Fraser. After some suspicious comments and fine investigative journalism it was discovered Fraser was missing by choice it would seem. Fraser recently stole a few hundred thousand USD in bitcoin. He vanished off the map. It is rumored his passport is being held by a person close to him that is also looking for him. It is not clear if he has a 2nd passport or not. He is described as being from both the UK and Australia. At this point he could have hidden in Poblado, a nearby town, taken a local domestic flight to a remote area, or hopped a land border. There is reportedly a $10,000 reward to find Fraser. A close friend states the money was to buy a finca. He considered Fraser a friend, and just wanted the victim to get his money back. It seems like violence is not in the plans if the money is returned. Another commenter stated they always got a bad vibe from Fraser, and that he had asked about bank account numbers once.