10/04/2024
Miss my dad... He died suddenly when I was in jail when I was 18. I was just talking on the phone with him and then he was gone, I got out and had no one, missed the funeral. Because of the jail and the judge that gave me another 30 days instead of releasing me on the day of the funeral. I still have dreams of talking to my dad. He was in jail and in addiction for most of my life but for years he was out and sober at his best and we bonded and everything was okay and then it was all over. Ended in the worst way. His wife .. never spoke to me again after he died she went from being a step mom that apparently loved me to him dying and her never saying a word to me again for 10 years never thought to give me his ashes. Told me 3 different stories in how he died which made no sense. She had 3 other of her men suddenly die too... People suspected she may have done it. There was marital life insurance she was having an affair with his best friend she didn't want him anymore but he always showed up and she didn't want to tell him. I saw it all. That's another story though... I have dreams of my first love that passed away. We were supposed to be together forever. The only girl I ever truly loved when love was actually real. We were teens. Recently one of my best friends hung himself. Took his life.. My other best friend became mentally ill in the streets and forgot who I am disappeared no one knows if he's dead or alive, He had no one either. I have dreams of us running around the city having fun. All these memories. All these people who should still be here in my life but are gone forever. And I'm suffering in life as well. I'm 32. No job. Havnt really ever worked sold drugs most of my life always been an outcast either criminal rejected by society or homeless rejected by society, no mercy just cruelty from the world no empathy or compassion. Ever in my life. Everything I try to do fails. When I try to change my life get a job a place etc it all fails goes to sh*** I've tried so hard and just can't make the cut in society and in this life. The friends I do have left have their own lives now, kids a family animals jobs vehicle. I have nothing. Never have. I'm now at a place where I've tried so hard so many times for so many years to change this and just don't have enough gas left in the tank to do it, and no one is going to help me. Ever. I'm 32. On my own. My mother is suffering in poverty downtown in the big city in a building that has been bugs and cockroaches drug dealers and gangs, I can't even help her. I just struggled with liver disease for 2 years but reversed it, In 2 years. I don't drink and never will again but it was non alcoholic fatty liver disease. Fully infiltrated liver, So just before fibrosis and then cirrhosis. In the last 4 months I've had 2 wisdom teeth become infected costing me $1200. I only have $1500 a month. Barley hanging on. I have no future. Nothing bad pain and darkness in my past. And not enough strength and energy to fix or change it. I used to be able to and have had a few good stretches in life. Jobs a nice place, people in my life. But it never lasts, It doesn't look like I'm going to make it, I needed help most of my life, just the simple things like help getting my licence. Help getting a job, help basically not killing myself, Which I don't want to do especially after seeing my best friend recently in an open casket... When I was 15 I needed help, I needed parents who were sober. I needed a family that took me under their wing, I needed good friends. I have 1. Or 2 left but again they are with their families content at this age that's where I was supposed to be as well. But I walk around in circles alone. For a decade, lost broken and injured, unable. This country is falling apart, the world is falling apart, times are getting worse, I'm not prepared for what's yet to come, People are turning in me trying to cause me harm, trying to attack my income so I lose it, trying to ruin my life and I have haters and enemies who would celebrate my death if they found out I died.. I've been hated everywhere I go betrayed by almost everyone I know abandoned and left for dead homeless in the streets my entire life since age 14 when I ran away from an abusive home full of drunks, my story is unlike anyones story that's just the tip of the iceberg that's nothing. There's much much more. Much I can't even speak on, much is against me, I suppose at this point it's safe to say I'm a failure and not going to make it, And I miss all my people and being happy, and being confident. I've also been single for 5 years. I haven't even felt the touch or love of a woman in years... It hurts. But I have nothing to offer and this age women only want you for what you have not for who you are, And they are out seeking a husband a family and security and they know I can't offer that rn. Maybe not ever. My reality is grim. And there are no signs of change I've actually exhausted every plan and every attempt at obtaining it all and working my way up to have something in life but it continues to fall apart over and over, You can only be resilient for so long until you simply just can't anymore, every dog has their day, I been through a world war 7 times pretty much I'm cheered up. Damaged permanently. PTSD, bipolar, hdhd. Chronic anxiety. Lost goes on. Not even God accepts me anymore.
