Tidal End of Life Doula

06/08/2023

Thank you to facebook.com/Light.Love.Spirit for this tender post.

Nine years ago tonight I went to bed for the first time as a widow. Lost, alone, and so very afraid.
I wasn’t sure I’d even make it through the night. But I did.
The sun rose the next day, and the day after, and the day after.
My husband was gone. But I was still here.
The pain of those first few weeks was the most excoriating pain I have ever felt in my life. My lungs collapsed, my heart shattered as it was brutally ripped from my chest.
I was at the end of a dark tunnel struggling to breathe.
And then one day, a voice reached me through the darkness.
“Life will be good again, maybe not perfect but good.”
It was steady and sure.
I was neither.
But still, I held onto that spark of hope through the tough weeks and months ahead.
I repeated the words to myself over and over again.
Life will be good again.
Life WILL be good again.
But only if I made it so. If I wanted to have a good happy life, I had to build it.
The spark became a flame. And that flame helped guide me out of the darkness.
Tonight, if you are at the end of that dark tunnel; if you are broken, if you think you will never heal, that you will never be happy again, I offer you the same hope my dear friend once offered me.
Shattered hearts do heal.
The pain will subside.
The memories will bring you more happiness than pain.
You will once again feel joy.
Life will be good again.
But only if you choose for it to be.
The sun will continue to rise. And the sun will continue to set. Whether you like it or not, time marches on. You can march with it or you can let time, and life, pass you by.
You don’t heal with time, you heal with intention.
It won’t be easy, in fact, it will be the hardest thing you ever do. Difficult things are never easy, but they are so worth it.
You are so worth it.
Tonight, nine years later, I give you a spark, it’s up to you nourish it and grow the flame.
You are still here.

06/07/2023

As a strong advocate of green and greener burials, I would like to share with you this information from my friend and colleague, Pashta MaryMoon, and yes, she is every bit as groovy, grounded, and connected as her name implies.

Pashta is the founder of CINDEA, the Canadian Integrative Network for Death Education and Alternatives. Her newly released page on Greening Death will answer many questions on earth friendly methods of body disposition. I hope you find it interesting and thought provoking.

Photo credit: https://www.greenburialcouncil.org/

05/25/2023

A year after the death of a client, I received this lovely note from one of his children.

"We are so so grateful that you were with our family. The fact that Dad let you in at the end of his life, to help navigate this path, was quite remarkable in hindsight, as he was such a private man. Thank you, thank you, thank you for supporting all of us as a family, and individually. You helped us to be able to honour Dad’s wishes as he wanted, something I’m not sure we could have achieved without you."

04/14/2023

Yesterday I was a guest on the ‘Death Doula Chats’ podcast hosted by Olga Nikolajev of the Death Doula Network of Ontario. We talked about the messages received in our childhood about death and grief, being the parent of a dying child, the approach I use for my work, supporting new doulas, shifting our expectations of healthcare providers, self-care, and the future of end of life doula work. Thanks for the opportunity Olga! (http://bit.ly/3KAenri - 33 minutes)

04/06/2023

Had a wonderful opportunity yesterday to bring the end of life doula perspective to a focus group on end of life care. About 40 compassionate souls, many struggling with their broken hearts, contributed to strategic planning for the coming years. (Sidebar ... AND discovered that the CEO, Jeff, is son of the lovely Carolyn Chant, my maternity nurse when Maggie was born 34 years ago. Two degrees of separation in the Maritimes, eh?!)

04/03/2023

Last Saturday I attended an End of Life Expo in Bridgewater with my colleagues, all End of Life Doulas from across Nova Scotia. What a pleasure to be in the company of these compassionate souls!

Left to right: Sarina Selig, Cindie Smith, Randy Harris, Cindy Kincaid, Angela Welsh, Terrie Zweep, Christel Soper, Allison Rew.

03/27/2023

I am often asked why I became an end of life doula. Part of my motivation is found in a comment shared in this article, that "being part of a beautiful dying experience is a joy. To help a family reunite, to relieve the fear of dying, to watch a dying person find a peaceful acceptance, and even a curious wonder of the next place beyond this earthly life is an amazing spiritual experience for me as well." It is also an interesting perspective from someone who is aging alone and worried about what lies ahead.

I know I need support navigating the complexities of dying and I want to die on my own terms

03/20/2023

So pleased to be presenting to the members of the End of Life Doula Association of Canada (EOLDAC) tomorrow night, talking with our members across the country about the practicalities around personal directives and end of life planning. Description below. (Hint: It's ALL about clear communication!)

“A well-constructed holistic healthcare directive, or advance care plan, can contribute significantly to creating a more peaceful, calm and supportive dying space. It can greatly reduce your risk of unwanted interventions. It can also spare your family the stress and future self-doubt of making difficult decisions at a highly emotional time - everyone can feel a bit more secure because they know what you want and who is in charge.

But the task of creating a holistic healthcare directive is more than simply committing to paper your wishes and preferences for serious illness or end of life care if you can no longer speak for yourself. It holds the potential to establish normalized conversations about death, dying and grief within a family that may have avoided the topic in the past.

In this session, Cindie Smith, owner and operator of Tidal End of Life Doula (www.tidaldoula.ca), will give a brief overview of the practicalities of creating holistic healthcare directives. Using the process she has developed over the past 10 years, we will discuss how to begin the conversation by looking back before we can move forward, the essential components of a holistic directive, tools that can help identify medical and environmental priorities, and what to do with the document when it is finished. Cindie will also cover some options on how the client might share their decisions with their family.“

03/03/2023

For the broken-hearted and those who support them ...

02/28/2023

I had a wonderful time yesterday with the graduating students of the Canadian College of Massage Therapy and Hydrotherapy in Halifax. I helped them understand what I do as an end of life doula and how our practices are complimentary, how we can better serve our clients, and how to help each other be successful in the care we extend. A lovely group of skilled and compassionate MTs ready to be released into our heart-broken world!

02/17/2023

I will be offering a free workshop on holistic personal directives at First United in Truro on March 18/23. Please see the attached poster for details and share widely. Let em know if you have questions. Many thanks.

01/26/2023

The community of practice is growing!

Death doulas part of the circle of care available to a dying loved one.

01/25/2023

I can't count the number of times a client has asked, "What is 'normal' grief?"

These are common and reasonable reactions to grief.
- to feel like you’re losing your mind
- for little things to overwhelm you
- to feel irritated all of the time and not know why
- to sometimes forget that your person died
- to crave the company of others from loneliness, and
- to want to leave as soon as other people are around
- to have trouble focusing on tasks that used to be easy
- to talk to your person as if they are still alive
- to think you see your person walking down the street
- to set a place for them at dinner
- to cry or rage at the drop of a hat and not know why
- to feel like all of the joy has been sucked out of the world
- to experience grief triggers years after your person’s death
- to wonder, “Why am I still here?”
- to replay certain memories over and over in your mind
- to feel like no one else understands the pain you’re going through
- to resent the world for continuing as if nothing has happened
- to look at the huge hole that used to be your life and want to jump in

In the rawness of grief, it is near impossible to imagine a time when the pain will be less.

But it will.

01/12/2023

If you've ever thought that someone should be "over" grieving their partner, you might want to reconsider your opinion. We just don't know until we have walked that mile.

12/09/2022

“The most important skill at the bedside of dying people is not what to do, but how to be” – Kathryn Mannix, palliative care physician and Patron of End of Life Doula UK. This podcast from MBSWorks has ABSOLUTELY strengthened my end of life doula practice. And as a flag-waving death-nerd I want her latest book for Christmas - Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations.

What makes you uncomfortable? And, how do you hold yourself when you’re in that space? Some years ago, I noticed that a pair of leather shoes I was wearing was badly creased across the top of the right shoe. A friend of mine pointed out the problem – when I get nervous in a group, I sit on the e...

11/29/2022

More wisdom from Kathryn Mannix, this time on how to support a teen when a loved one is dying.

11/14/2022

A gentle thought for a blustery Monday morning ...

11/07/2022

One woman's perspective in plain language.

Since my husband, Bill, died of brain cancer in June, I’ve found myself unclear about what it means to grieve.