12/20/2024
Can you relate to this in your own life? How to Recognize a Narcissistic Apology: Breaking Down Manipulative Language
Let's break down this "apology" from Dennis Rodman. Recently in the news, Dennis Rodman issued a public apology to his estranged daughter Trinity Rodman after the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team star opened up about their relationship on a podcast, saying her NBA father is “not a dad” and that his relationship with her is “by blood but nothing else.”
Breaking it down:
Sometimes, apologies don’t feel like apologies at all. They can leave you confused, guilty, or even more frustrated than before. These types of statements often come from individuals who may unintentionally (or intentionally) centre themselves in the conversation. Let’s break down a real-world example and learn how to spot the signs of a narcissistic apology so you can protect your emotional boundaries.
The Example:
"Sorry I wasn’t the Dad you wanted me to be, but either way, I still tried and I still try and never will stop. I will keep trying even when you’re being told as an adult not to respond to my phone calls. I always had one wish and it was I wish my kids would call me and come see me. Hopefully, one day I can get that. Pick up the phone, you have my number. You see me calling, I’m still here."
Why This Feels Off:
This apology may seem heartfelt at first glance, but a closer look reveals red flags of emotional manipulation. Instead of taking responsibility or validating the other person’s feelings, it focuses on the speaker's experience, using guilt and victimhood to demand attention. Here’s how:
1. False Accountability
"Sorry I wasn’t the Dad you wanted me to be, but either way, I still tried and I still try."
The speaker starts with an apology but quickly deflects by justifying their actions. This diminishes the sincerity of the statement, turning the focus from their shortcomings to how much effort they’ve put in.
What to Watch For:
Look for a quick pivot from acknowledging harm to self-praise or justification.
2. Victim Narrative
"I will keep trying even when you’re being told as an adult not to respond to my phone calls."
By blaming external forces (e.g., "someone told you not to respond"), the speaker avoids addressing why the recipient might not want to communicate. This reframing casts the speaker as the victim instead of acknowledging the recipient’s autonomy.
What to Watch For:
Statements that paint the speaker as powerless against "unfair" circumstances while ignoring their role in the conflict.
3. Guilt-Tripping
"I always had one wish, and it was I wish my kids would call me and come see me."
While it sounds like a simple wish, this phrasing shifts the emotional burden onto the recipient. The implication is that their lack of action is withholding the speaker’s happiness.
What to Watch For:
Statements that make you feel responsible for someone else’s emotional well-being, especially when tied to their "suffering."
4. Centre of Attention
"I’m still here, I’m still trying, pick up the phone."
Rather than focusing on how the recipient feels or why boundaries exist, the speaker repeatedly highlights their own efforts. This makes the apology feel more like a demand for recognition than an acknowledgment of harm.
What to Watch For:
Repetition of “I” and “me,” with little or no attention to your feelings.
5. Martyr Complex
"I actually flew in to watch you play… so I watched from my hotel balcony just to make everybody happy."
The speaker portrays themselves as self-sacrificing, using this example to elicit pity. Instead of addressing why their presence might have caused discomfort, they paint themselves as misunderstood or unfairly treated.
What to Watch For:
References to grand gestures, sacrifices, or “noble” efforts meant to guilt you into reconsidering their intentions.
6. Performative Love
"I love all my kids."
While love is important, repeatedly emphasising it in an apology can feel performative, as though the speaker is trying to bypass accountability. It suggests their love should outweigh any mistakes or hurt they’ve caused.
What to Watch For:
Statements that attempt to overshadow valid grievances with declarations of affection.
How to Respond:
If you receive a message like this, it’s important to hold your boundaries. An effective response might look like this:
Acknowledge their feelings but redirect the focus.
Example: "I appreciate your efforts, but I need us to address what caused this distance in the first place. Let’s have an honest conversation when you’re ready to listen."
➔Stay firm in your boundaries.
Example: "I’m not ready to reconnect right now, but I’ll reach out when I feel ready."
Key Takeaways:
A narcissistic apology often focuses more on the speaker’s emotions and struggles than on genuine accountability. Look for these signs:
➔Justification of actions rather than full acceptance of fault.
➔Shifting blame to external factors or others.
➔Emotional manipulation through guilt, pity, or demands for recognition.
Empower Yourself:
Recognising these patterns allows you to step back and protect your emotional well-being. Remember, a true apology:
➔Centres your feelings, not theirs.
➔Accepts responsibility without justification.
➔Focuses on actions to repair the relationship, not demands for recognition.
By learning to spot the difference, you can respond with clarity and maintain healthy boundaries.
