Brave People Solutions

10/09/2024

Imposter syndrome is a complex topic worthy of exploration because so many people, both women and men, refer to themselves as having imposter syndrome. This has been said to me by many people in my work providing coaching and in workshops and programs.

I'm very excited to be presenting Overcoming Imposter Syndrome for the Women's Leadership Network and IPAA NSW and as part of its online Skills for Success series at 10 am on 11 September. Around 4000 people have registered which is the highest number in its history. Something is happening here that needs attention.

I will be exploring what imposter syndrome is, its origins, whether it's even helpful to use it as a term, external and internal sources of imposter thoughts and practical strategies to manage feelings of self-doubt.

https://lnkd.in/g-zT7Bbt

05/06/2024

Burnout and overwhelm was a theme in my last week, personally and for the lovely people that I worked with.

🔹 On Monday and Tuesday, I saw clients for therapy.

🔹 On Wednesday morning, I ran a public 1 hour session on avoiding burnout on behalf of IPAA for NSW government departments and staff.

🔹 On Wednesday afternoon, I facilitated an Accidental Counsellor workshop for a purpose driven organisation’s staff to strengthen their communication skills to provide support to their clients.

🔹 On Thursday, I facilitated a fifth Building True Resilience to Avoid Burnout workshop for staff at a NSW government department that is very focused on supporting their staff.

🔹On Friday, I facilitated a Women's Mindful Leadership Masterclass for the Mindful Women's Leadership Summit in Melbourne for the Leadership Institute.

Two things stood out to me. The first is that the vast majority of people that I worked with are experiencing the overwhelm of this hectic life.

If you are committed, passionate and hard-working you are more likely to be on the train to burnout.

The second one is that recognising the signs of ongoing tension and stress, its build up and taking action is important and always a work in progress.

This is a personal challenge of mine as I navigate the work that I feel incredibly privileged to do and my own personal challenges including supporting family members with mental health concerns.

At times, I notice myself struggling to say no and I don’t focus enough on prioritising ways of creating breathing space to recover and repair.

I know that I consistently need to check in with myself to see what I can manage and what I can’t. I am often asked to speak on these important topics of resilience, avoiding burnout, self-care and providing support to others. I recognise that none of us are immune from these challenges.

Pay attention to the signs that tell you, you are struggling to cope. Speak to someone you trust and let them know you are noticing warning signs. Take moments in your day, to create space, even if it is a light-hearted chat with a colleague, three slow extended breaths in with a longer breath out, a quick walk outside or consciously sigh (out of hearing of others). These are just some examples of strategies that can tend to your nervous system, tell it that you’re safe and can help you get back to equilibrium.

More recently, at times I’ve described my life as feeling like a big, strong brick wall (not a great description). I have to chisel holes in that wall to allow air and light to shine through.

Don’t wait for that holiday. Create moments in your day for even just a little bit of space regularly. Settle your nervous system down in moments. Those moments could make all the difference.

09/09/2023

I have just finished facilitating a 3 day team retreat in Hua Hin, Thailand for the international team of Health Equity Matters.

It was such a joyful experience to work with this incredible team and organisation. Given we (Brave People Solutions) specialise in team repair, it is particularly gratifying to work with such a strong organisation with inspiring leaders who create time for their teams to enhance connection and build on their strengths. The group did such great work including learning more about each other, their working styles, celebrating achievements, building advanced communication skills, appreciating each other and having lots of laughter and fun.

Here they are at the end of the retreat reading the post it note messages of appreciation from each other, which they loved. I saw how this time meant so much to the team and how they appreciated the new insights to enable them to work even more effectively together.

I wish all organisations would prioritise this work as it makes all the difference to staff and team satisfaction, wellbeing and productivity.

26/08/2023

This last week, I had three fantastic days with two very different excellent leadership groups, united by a common experience of how sharing openly and vulnerably, creates rich opportunities for connection, growth and learning.

I was privileged to work with the leadership team at Lendlease for Heart On My Sleeve, running Real Conversations training. It was inspiring to see the leaders supporting their people and themselves in having real conversations and building deeper connections, while experiencing significant insights and learning over the day.

For two days I then had the joy of working with leaders from Tafe Children's Centres, building advanced communication, feedback and leadership skills and saw how important it is for a team to have time for connection, reflection, learning and fun.

I was uplifted by all these great leaders and wonderful people.

This work always highlights to me how lightheartedness and humour can be experienced alongside important and significant real conversations. As a result, these days were not just powerful, they were also rich with laughter, sharing and feelings of closeness. I’m so grateful to all these humans who showed up and did the work with me this week. Here is a photo of the lovely Tafe leadership group after two days of good work.

Tulsi

13/07/2023

Our amazing Robyn Mercer spoke on appropriate responses to difficult, dangerous and damaging people and presented her practical and very helpful workbook on this topic. Congratulations Robyn! I know this content will help so many!

A great night last night at the Hunter Business Womens Network (HBWN) event where our own Yvonne Reynolds was the host for the evening.

Guest speaker, Robyn Mercer of Brave People Solutions, shared her experience and expertise around dealing with difficult work situations/people and helped identify different categories of people we may come across in a work setting as well as how to manage our approach.

The evening also included the opportunity to meet Dr Jason Geres from Oasis Health Centre in Warners Bay, who stressed the importance of looking after our spinal health and wellness to live a happy, healthy and fulfilled life.

For more information on these wonderful guest speakers please visit: https://bravepeoplesolutions.com.au/robyn-mercer/ and https://oasishealthcentre.com.au/meet-the-chiropractor

Thanks again to the HBWN Committee for another wonderful night👏

01/06/2023

Happy and colour coordinated after a fantastic two days of Building a Positive Performance Culture workshop for 32 people with Robyn and Tulsi. It was excellent to hear the participants share that they felt so much more confident in their ability to influence the workplace culture and that they walked away with many practical tools and skills that they know will make a positive difference.

A key learning: if you shy away from the hard conversations you create an environment that is harder and less supportive for your team. You can do it!

29/11/2022

A wonderful event with beautiful participants. Thank you to all who came to the CBD Sydney Chamber Women in Business event on speaking up. Our special speakers Robyn Mercer and Dr Holi Birman, PhD joined me as we discussed an important and profound topic for many of us.

Robyn shared her own personal history and how she transformed herself from one who was taught to not speak up, ‘don’t stand out from the crowd’ and ‘don’t get too big for your boots’ to an accomplished and successful professional woman who has strengthened herself in many ways. Some key messages and strategies she shared that are helpful for us all are:

1. Self-awareness is the first step. Identify the messages you learned from childhood.
2. Work on unlearning the messages and limitations placed on you through observing your behaviour, the results and asking yourself if they are helpful. Seek professional help when needed.
3. Learn new skills and accept it takes time to learn and will become smoother with practice.

Some practical actions that have helped Robyn include learning to stand tall through yoga practice, building strength through going to the gym and challenging herself with adventure holidays (climbing Kilimanjaro!).

Some key important points shared by Holi include:

1. Stand your ground. She shared that her process for speaking up began with her choosing to hold her ground (literally), when she was walking on the footpath rather than moving to the side and into the gutter.
2. Speak up for others. Holi described how her confidence built from having the courage to call out inequity, when others weren’t given the chance to speak up. From there, she worked towards speaking up for herself.
3. Embrace the discomfort. Even if you feel uncomfortable, awkward and clumsy, you can still speak up.
4. Seek feedback from others you trust. While developing your skills, getting guidance and constructive input will help you build and strengthen your voice. A caring community makes all the difference.

For those of you that find it hard to speak up, it can also be helpful to remind yourself that your voice may be quiet, shaky or you might even have tears, AND you can still speak up.

A key ‘take-home’ is that we all have a shared responsibility to support each other by listening, noticing those who have not yet had a voice, and encouraging everyone to contribute – including the quiet and silenced voices. Let us continue to recognise the value and importance of expressing our own thoughts, feelings and truth. Speak up.

Tulsi

23/11/2022

Team repair has been keeping Brave People Solutions busy. Worth a couple of selfies out on location :).

Here's an article about the 'can and want to' people and the 'can't and won't do' people in a team and the 8 factors that can undermine team repair

Team repair involves supporting those who can and want to change and enabling those who can't or don't want to change to see the impact they have.

23/08/2022

I feel slightly challenged hearing people talk about 'soft skills'. The gentle and strong skills that are needed in times of conflict and tension are the most tricky for people to learn and demonstrate. Here are some practical strategies to help develop the skills that will make all the difference to your relationships and your workplace. I hope you find them helpful and you like the chicken :).

This article describes behaviour that assists people to change the cycle of tension and conflict at work.

19/08/2022

I'm very much looking forward to running this practical day time session on communication for connection. It will be fun, practical and allow you get to know each other better while developing skills that will take your relationships to another level and will be held in the Sydney CBD. If you're around, I'd love to see you 😊.

Mon Aug 29 from 12-2pm
CBD Women in Business Network. Creating Communication For Connection.

This workshop led by Tulsi van de Graaff, Communication and Conflict Expert focuses on learning advanced communication techniques that help you truly get to know another person, listen deeply, find greater connection and may also change some of the habits that might be getting in the way of strong relationships and understanding.

Learn about a variety of communication tools and then have an opportunity to put it into practice with people you haven't met yet or those you don't know well.

You will get to know people as you learn and build on these skills. It will be fun, engaging and an opportunity to get to know each other better in this network of women who are here for this very thing, connection. And, as usual, they'll be plenty of time for discussion and networking.

More information & to register: https://business.cbdsydneychamber.com.au/events/details/cbd-women-in-business-network-creating-communication-for-connection-29-aug-2022-425

30/07/2022

Overcoming couple tension and conflict: a way back to closeness

In my work with couples, (as well as with families, groups and teams), I see so many interactions and reactions that appear harsh and dismissive and cause hurt and wounding. These include shutting down, withdrawing, being closed to other perspectives, attacking and being snappy, scrutinising and critical.

And yet I also see that there is a world of emotion underneath those behaviours and it is one of pain, hurt, fear, disappointment, regret and hardship. When we stay in those harsh reactions and aren’t able to explore and be with those deeper, more vulnerable emotions, we miss an opportunity for softening, for compassion for ourselves and others, for acceptance of the discomfort and for greater healing of the relationship.

As humans we long for and need safety and the bonds with our loved ones are key to our wellbeing. Emotionally Focused Therapy tells us that the attachment needs we have as children, to have a person that comes when we call and keeps us feeling safe and supported, continue into adulthood in our couple and other significant relationships.

As we pay attention to the reactions and interactions that interfere with your couple bond and connection, there is a pathway to greater understanding and closeness. All couples go through times of disconnection and challenge and professional support can be very helpful. With this support, there is important work to do in understanding the particular steps of your ‘dance’, the interactions that repeat and cause you both to feel alone and unsupported. The enemy in this situation is the dance and not each other.

The exploration of this dance, can lead to the softening of your responses as you start to understand each other’s pain, fears and vulnerability and the cycle you’re caught in as a couple. There is then an opportunity to try something different, that is more supportive of the relationship bond. An opportunity for insight can be found in you both exploring what happens when those challenging interactions occur and to reflect on ‘When I feel ___________ , I typically do _____________’ and then understand what your partner feels and typically does in response and again what you feel and do in response. We continue to do this until we understand the full cycle.

As each person begins to see the interaction and reaction ricochet, and understand the emotions beneath the harsher, more hurtful reactions, there is an opportunity to say, ‘I notice that we’re doing that dance again, let’s try something different. I don’t want to do this anymore’. And in those moments, there can be insight, a moving closer and the opening up of the possibility of another way that encourages the kind of gentle, caring, connection and support that we long for and all need as humans.

If you feel your relationship could benefit from some support, please feel free to contact me at [email protected]. I take an Emotionally Focused Therapy approach.

05/09/2021

26/07/2021

Kindness, the antidote to these strange times. I've written this article in response to what we're seeing around us. These current circumstances are the perfect breeding ground for conflict, discord and reaction and yet we all have control over the choices we make in what we say, how we say it and the kindness and compassion that we bring. Sending kindness and love your way

In 2000, I was with my parents in the seaside village of Kovalam, in Kerala, India. We had found a restaurant we particularly liked and each time I chose the same meal. On our fifth visit, as I ordered the same meal again, I said to the waiter, ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m boring’. He […]

01/07/2021

Nicely expressed by Rick Hanson...sometimes you just have to fall apart ❤️. Sometimes you have to go through periods of disorganisation. It's part of life and being human.

24/06/2021

Little article in The Weekly Times 😊.

23/05/2021

How safe and connected do you feel to those close to you? Do you feel insecure and threatened or supported and cared for in your relationship with your partner, your loved ones or your work mates? If something is amiss, it might go deeper than you’ve realised.

The importance of safety in relationships

I'm a relationship counsellor (amongst other roles) and I recently attended some further training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which is an incredible approach to supporting couples find connection. This approach was developed by Sue Johnson. One of the key aspects that stands out to me in relation to EFT is the importance of us as human beings finding safety in the couple bond and in other close relationships. The need for safety also applies to our workplace, where we engage in important and significant relationships every day.

You might have heard about attachment theory – how your early experiences as a child influence and impact on your relationships and the way you engage in the world as an adult. In an ideal world, as a child you would have experienced love, security and a feeling that when you reached out you were responded to and supported. Unfortunately, for many this is not the experience and in adulthood we continue to look and long for safety and security often to heal or manage those childhood wounds.

EFT highlights that the same kind of attachment needs we have as children we also have in relation to our close relationships. We need safety and comfort in the couple bond and our bond with close others and if we don't have this, it can connect us to our deepest fears and cause us to have intense reactions. These reactions can cause more disconnection in relationships even though the underlying longing is understandably to feel safer and connected.

Thinking about your own close relationships, how safe do you feel in the connection? Do you feel you can turn to your partner or your close loved ones? Will they come when you call? If you notice yourself reacting, feeling angry, tetchy, unsettled or hurt, the deeper experience may be that your attachment needs in relation to the bond are not being met and you have not found a place of safety.

If this is the case, it makes sense that you might be reacting, that you may feel anxious, may withdraw, may criticise or attack. It can be difficult to know how to find a way back to the other person or to know how to manage those challenging emotions.

In relation to couples, there is often some tension around how close and distant each person wants to be and again this can be related to your own attachment needs. There is no right or wrong but understanding the underlying emotions and fears that exist inside of you, is an important step to creating understanding and connection again. In other relationships, personal
and at work, you still might have those attachment needs and fears triggered particularly in circumstances where the nature of the engagement feels unsafe or threatening.

It can be hard to build safety without assistance and support particularly where the experience is intense. However, some steps that can help are:

* Check in with how you are feeling. Notice where you feel it in
your body and the circumstances where you feel most
challenged or threatened.

* Think about how your own experience as a child influences
how safe or unsafe you feel in your personal and work
relationships now. Developing self-awareness can help you to
find a way to understand what you bring to relationships and
the impact of the interaction with another.

* Bring gentle self-compassion and acceptance to your
experience.

* Do your best to be clear about what feels okay and not okay
for you.

* Work on communicating clearly and with gentleness when
things don’t feel right or comfortable for you and where
appropriate, the reasons for this so those close around you
understand a little more.

* Seek the support from trusted people, a coach, counsellor or other professional.

If you feel you could do with some help in navigating these challenges in your couple relationship please reach out. I currently have a limited number of spaces for couples, for face to face or online work. All couples welcome. You can find more information at https://bravepeoplesolutions.com.au/relationship-counselling/ or email me at [email protected].

08/05/2021

Today I am thinking of all of you who are mothers, who are celebrating Mother's Day and are being celebrated, Happy Mother's Day and all of you who may be experiencing sadness and other hard emotions because you have lost your mother, longed to be a mother, have lost children, and today is a harder reminder of that loss, those of you who have never known your mother, have had or continue to have a hard or complicated relationship with your mother or circumstances that make this day feel harder than other days. It can make such a difference talking about things or connecting with a trusted loved one. You can also call Lifeline 131114 or send me a message. Sending love and best wishes ❤️.