15/04/2024
My life as I see it, feel it, know it, experienced it…..
When you are faced with something that is out of your control, and it hits you to the core as it is totally unexpected, your dignity is lost, you lose your self worth, you easily spiral into a depressed state, but know that you have to dig deep to get out, but how when you are numbed by the experience, and you are overwhelmed with grief in all forms.
Losing my eldest boy in a drowning incident 13 years ago near tipped me over the edge. Not that anyone noticed, I played the strong game! But I am still working through the grief and emotion that I have buried for near 13 years. The living through it gets easier but the pain still stays with you and shows up in unhealthy ways unknowingly.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago I faced my own mortality, or so it seemed at the time because I had just lost my dad to brain cancer and thought f**k I have it too and am I going to experience the same as dad did and are my family going to have to watch the same as I did with my dad… that journey for myself was a s**tty tough gig and would not wish it on anyone. I also lost a close friend to cancer at the end of my treatment. We spent nights and days chatting about our treatments and reassured each other, but she could not be saved from this insidious disease. I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt knowing I would survive.
You sometimes wonder what life is going to throw at you next (change your thoughts, mental note) and boom it did it again, the Friday before Christmas my role was made redundant at a job that I loved, with people I loved and had made so many friendships that again it felt so unfair.
January came and I was home alone most days wallowing in what my life had turned into and mid January, just see how much you can handle Tara, just maybe a Marriage breakdown might tip you…. I was digging deep to understand what the actual f**k had just gone on with my life! At that time it possibly seemed easier if I just disappeared off the face of the earth because what was the use of this life if it kept throwing s**tty experiences at me, experiences I or anyone else did not deserve! You see there is a chain reaction to your actions and thoughts if you allow it and this is where you can spiral or not. I felt embarrassed of my life and what others would think. Any dignity I had was lost at that time so to say I have been walking around feeling emotionless and numb for years is an understatement. I had to change the narrative of my thoughts and actions and we are finally getting the help we need to help us navigate the grief and traumas we have experienced through life but have buried away to try and raise a family the best way we have.
All this numb dumb f**kery of experiences I had been thrown, I found myself walking around not knowing what to do, where to start and how am I going to convince others of my worth when I had no self worth myself. I started frantically looking for a new job, I searched so many online opportunities, coaching, self employment, consulting in a field where I bring 35 years experience. I just couldn’t think straight, and was grasping at straws, applying for jobs, going for interviews, being offered jobs that didn’t quite align, being rejected from jobs and not having clear answers as to why? Really doesn’t do good for your self esteem! I sat on one job offer for a couple of weeks and I don’t know why, and out of the blue I got offered a job that I did not apply for, that they found me, that they needed my expertise and knowledge and just knowing this helped me work through one of my darkest times.
We don’t often speak about depression or anxiety and how it effects every cell in your body! The constant stress and high levels of cortisol running through your body 24/7 is not a good climate for your health especially when you have already experienced health altering disEASE.
I speak all this because in some ways it is cathartic and I know I will heal in time with mindset, guidance and counselling.
So I am changing the narrative of my next chapters where these life altering experiences has made me realise you only have only life and you get to write your own story.
I do have something exciting to share but have kept it under wraps as I didn’t want it turning into something s**t before I got it off the ground… the health challenges above have helped me make a huge decsision and I have jumped into it boots and all.
I’ll share tomorrow as this post turned into a bit of a deep depressing share. Eeeks soz that was not my intention, but this is my form of journalling. I am OK and am working through stuff. My number one focus at the moment is my health and making sure that I am nurtured and healing.
Please scroll by if you find it rambling or offensive, but know that it’s helping me heal. This is barely just one snippet of my life. There is so much joy to celebrate right now and that is in the form of grandchildren. They give me unconditional love which is all I need. 🩵💗🩵🩵
My life as I see it, feel it, experienced it and perceived it.
Watch this space!
I help women who are tired & exhausted after raising children, to live life free from the 9-5 grind!
