20/10/2024
Something happened yesterday that made me stop and really examine the last MANY years of my life
It was as if everything suddenly came into sharp focus
And I realised just how much I've been in survival mode for years and years. Running on adrenaline to survive, make things happen, make it work, build it, bring in the money, keep a roof over our heads, keep my head down and not upset anyone
I made a decision three years ago to build an airbnb on my property to avoid mandates in the job I was in at the time. While at the same time navigating the end of a toxic relationship and the death of my little sister
I worked my butt off and built a bathroom onto the back of my house through the heat of summer to get it up and running, I had $5k to my name, a mortgage to pay and no longer a job
I made it happen, and it was instantly successful
I decided to build another in my dusty old shed down the back
I called it The Laneway Garage, and they absolutely loved it!
Last night I hosted my last guests in both, and my property settles this coming week
But part of me feels shame at just how much has been left unfinished, unattended to and brushed over because of just how crazy busy life has been
And the other part of me feels pride for finding a way to survive through it all
And I thought of what my closest girlfriends would say, and my sister. They'd say that they're proud of me, that I did the best I could
And in the early hours of this morning as I awoke to begin the cleanup of the last bits of a life of doing it hard that I'm now leaving behind, thoughts swirling through my head, there was a fight going on between those two parts. The one who wanted me to feel shame, and the one who wanted to lift me up
And I'm happy to say that the one who wanted to lift me up and love me through this has come out on top today, and I put this down to all of the thousands of hours of work that I've done to overcome the negative story that runs in the background. Shame from my childhood, never being enough, never doing enough, never getting it right
So, I'm celebrating that part of myself for her strength and resilience, and I'm giving myself a break for not doing better. And today I'm going to be speaking to myself like I would if I was my own best friend
And it's a good reminder that we are always doing the best that we can with our given circumstances. We cannot be more than we are. We are exactly where the path and our experiences have led us thus far
I hope you can give yourself a break today as well, if you're struggling with self sabotage
Love Janet
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